#stuart diamond

By Gwynne Robins Unlike the Gauteng branch of the SA Jewish Board of Deputies, which transferred responsibility of their country communities to a separate body, the Cape SA Jewish Board of Deputies had maintained its involvement with its Western Cape country communities, most of which are now defunct. The professionals visit the towns, repair cemeteries – sometimes the damage is the result of…

In case you didn't know, I love Stuart Diamond’s book on negotiation called Getting More. I reference the process in that book at least weekly, if not daily. My copy sits on my desk at work and is often where I turn when confronted with an issue that I don’t know how to address. That isn’t to say it is the source of all knowledge, but the process therein has helped me collect the relevant pieces of a problem and evaluate the situation in ways that can lead to better outcomes. And when you are a professional problem solver, like attorneys are, that is a good thing.

One part of the process in the book deals with thinking about the picture in the other person’s head. I find myself coming back to this idea often, especially when it comes to furthering my client’s goals. Let’s say, for example, that a client comes to you with a goal to get a divorce. A simple enough goal from a legal standpoint that is both attainable and subject to state laws that lead to predictable outcomes. That said, for those that have practiced family law, a “simple” divorce can become unpredictable quick. This is because family law, like other areas of the law, is based on people’s emotions. Emotion or a lack thereof is ever present, at every document signing or hearing along the way. Ultimately, understanding your client’s emotions and the picture in her head when she says she wants a divorce is critical to reaching that goal.

So how do we really understand what is going on in someone else’s mind? A CT scan? That might give you an idea of the mechanics at play. A questionnaire? Maybe. An intake interview? Perhaps.

Image by Stan Dominguez CC BY 2.0.

While there are many ways to become better communicators, I would like to list two ways that have helped me get better at understanding the picture in my client’s heads.

1 - Training

Understanding an area of the law is basic competence. We have an ethical duty to be competent in the legal advice we give. But to become more than someone who can pass a family law exam is how you move from a newly minted attorney to a useful attorney. While experience will most definitely help, training will take you there quicker. Training on how people react in certain situations. Training on how a particular case type might affect the people involved. For example, people who have experienced trauma might communicate in a certain way. Understanding that communication will make you a better attorney in the area of law you practice.  Seek out training on those soft-skills that your time in law school didn’t teach, or maybe even harmed.

2 - Listening

ALWAYS Communicate

Listen / Ask Questions, Value, Don't Blame Others

Provide Reflective Summaries

Do Role Reversal

Remain Rational Amid Strong Feelings

Articulate Your Goals

Be Firm Without Damaging The Relationship

Look For Small Signals

Discuss Perceptual Differences

Find Out How They Make Commitments

Consult Before Deciding

Focus On What is Controllable

Way back … forever ago it seems, before the world was remade, there was a race of creatures. Special creatures with amazing abilities. They lived above ground in places called houses. Homes made of stone and wood and painted metal. They moved about busily in machines made with wheels on the bottom. Machines of many colors and so fast you can’t imagine. Now, they were seven-times taller than you and I, and super-looper smart. So smart they could do most anything. They changed the course of rivers, learned to fly like birds and swim like fish, and built buildings that touched the sky. Daniel’s red eyes twinkled as the words sparked his imagination. He tweaked his whiskers a bit as he laid back to listen.

            Now these creatures, called men and women, knew things. Things none of the other creatures knew or were meant to know. And each one of these men and women had their own name. Every one of them. So they lived in houses, moved about in machines, built wonderful things, and all had their very own names. Now they didn’t have fur or wiggly little tails like you and I, so they wore clothes. Brightly colored clothes of many kinds to cover their bodies and protect and keep them warm. And these remarkable creatures played and ate and drank and made music together. Their bodies, so marvelously made, could do most anything their minds could imagine. And imagine they did. They invented games, made horns and stringed instruments, and they ran and danced and played excitedly night and day.

            The men and women lived together throughout the world. Here and there and every-all-around. The places where they gathered were called cities … and therein the trouble lay. “What trouble?” asked Daniel, sipping his carrot juice through a striped straw. Trouble upon trouble, and triple trouble too, offered Daddy. For when these men and women gathered in these cities and began to be so busy with all their going and doing, a bad, bad thing began to happen. They started forgetting they were creatures. Impossible you say! Could I forget I’m a rabbit? Certainly not. But with tall and mighty buildings everywhere, and fast machines traveling about, and their very own names to worry over, it was easier than you might think to forget they were creatures. “So what did they think they were?” asked Daniel. Well, what they thought and what they said were two different things. “How could that be?” It could be, and was, because they were dishonest. “But I thought you said they were super-looper smart and built and did things hard to imagine and knew things the other creatures didn’t?” I did. I said they were smart, but I didn’t say they were good.

            You see young fella, before the world was remade, Prince Lamb let bad happen. And happen it did. Once these creatures called men and women forgot someone else had made them, all the things they knew began to work against them. In time they even began to imagine life itself was only an accident. “But Dad, all the animals know the Prince made them. This story can’t be true.” True or not, these creatures forgot. And now, because their names were so dear to them, they began to try to outdo one another. Every day they struggled against their fellows to see who could build, and ride, and wear, the biggest and the fastest and the prettiest whatever. And even when they played they couldn’t have fun because they couldn’t forget their names. Helping, and loving, and caring, stopped being the main thing. Such stuff was pushed aside, no longer as important as Prince Lamb had intended. Everyone got so busy they no longer noticed how remarkably gifted each and every creature was. The slower, weaker, less lovely men and women became less important in the eyes of some. And the things they said were worst of all, for they said worse things than they did, not realizing it was every bit as bad and hurtful. Everyone was unhappy with everyone else and all anyone ever did was complain. No one seemed to be able to live up to the expectations of others.

            Every so often Prince Lamb would allow sorrowful things to enter the lives of these creatures to try to remind them what they were, but they always banded together and used their strength to go on the same way. And though their buildings grew taller, their machines faster, their clothes prettier, and the things they imagined more stupendous --- sadness and fear increased, and an ugly tangly mess just grew and grew out of the midst of the world these wayward and dishonest creatures had created for themselves. And as if it wasn’t all bad enough, a whole band of these creatures who said they were friends of Prince Lamb and wanted to help, only used his name to make their own names shine. “So what happened?” questioned a wide-eyed Daniel. A most remarkable and unexpected thing. The Prince, who was quite sad for all the misery everywhere, gave some gifts to a rabbit. Three to be particular. First, he gave him a name. Hector. Hector the rabbit. Second, Hector could talk the same language as these men and women. And third, he knew things. He knew of love and hate and good and evil and all the Prince had shown to this race of creatures and hidden from all others. “What’s evil Daddy?” said Daniel. A bad feeling. A feeling that comes when a good name means more to you than goodness itself.

            Now Hector made his way into the cities and began to talk to the creatures he met there. And, because he was a rabbit, had a name, and could talk and knew things, they listened closely to what he said. At first his popularity grew and men and women wondered at his words. But, because they had forgotten they were creatures and become so busy in their cities doing and going and worrying about their names, they misunderstood the meaning of Hector’s words. Some became suspicious and supposed Hector was trying to make a name for himself. Soon they asked Hector to leave the cities and go and live among his own. The things Hector said about helping, and loving, and caring, upset them and took the shine from their names.

            So Hector went away into the wild and lived his life quite happily. The other rabbits enjoyed Hector’s special gifts and learned valuable lessons from the tales of Hector’s experiences among men and women. They were more content than ever for the simple joy of being beautiful creatures in Prince Lamb’s world.

            “And what happened to men and women Dad?” asked Daniel. Oh, nothing good could happen. Everything in their world just got bigger and faster. Those with the shiniest names insisted everything was getting better and better, but most men and women just grew tired and afraid. More tired and afraid than you can imagine. And because they had all forgotten they were creatures they did not know where to turn for help.

            And then one day a strange and astonishing light appeared in the skies over the cities where the race of creatures called men and women lived. And suddenly all the homes, and machines, and buildings that touched the sky disappeared in the time it takes a baby bunny to twitch its nose. “And the men and women, what happened to them?” They vanished from the face of the earth and the tales of their stupendous inventions are all that remain of them. All their names have been forgotten. Now go to sleep you rascal and dream of happier things.