#stron003

It's no secret that I have a blog on tumblr about being a 25 year old virgin and sometimes I get questions that I can't answer (like the one below) so I reach out to others who might be able to help. A few days ago I asked Eli if he would be willing to answer this question and he did. Not only was I shocked that he said yes, it seemed as though he was kind of excited about it. 

So, Thank you Eli for being an amazing person! You are fantastic and I'm glad you have met you!

Below is the question and Eli's answer:

Hello Anon! I don’t know much about being trans so I asked a friend of mine (who has gone though coming out trans to his parents) to help me out. 

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I want to start by saying that your fears are valid. You are contemplating telling your parents one of the most difficult, personal and controversial things that one can. I always hated it when someone said ‘what are you getting so worried about??’ Know that almost every trans person I know has stood where you’re standing, in one way or another. Now, having said that, it pains me to tell you that the truth is, no one can tell you what to do but you. You are the best judge of who your parents are and how they will react. That doesn’t mean they won’t surprise you (good or bad)…just keep in mind that in the end, it has to be your decision, whether you tell them and how/when you do that. What I can give you are a few tips to prepare for this moment.

First, you should develop a community as best you can. If you are in school, try to see if there is a GLBT group on your campus or your community. Find people like you to talk to, whether online or in person (although in person folks may feel like greater allies at times). If there are friends you really trust, tell them. Basically just try not to be ‘alone’ in this time. Regardless of your decision or how your parents react, you will want peers to turn to.

Second, do some research for your parents, should you choose to tell them. Many communities have a PFLAG chapter and some cities even have a branch of PFLAG, called T Families, that is specific to the SOFFAs (Significant Others, Families, Friends and Allies) of trans folks. Also collect items to help educate your parents as to how you feel. PFLAG put out a pamphlet directed at parents of trans children (downloadable here: http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=189) that I gave to my mother, even though I came out to her in my mid-twenties. There are also documentaries, if you think that would be more helpful. I was recently one of three transgender people featured in a National Geographic documentary “American Transgender”. They spoke to all of our parents in the show and how they dealt with our transitions. You can view the show online here: http://www.novamov.com/video/3yke29u0ankj8 (just close the advertisement and click play) or purchase it on DVD here: http://shop.nationalgeographic.com/ngs/product/new/dvds/american-transgender-dvd-r

 Third, just feel it out. Like I said, you are the only one who can make this decision. Have your parents made homophobic or transphobic remarks? Do you think they would kick you out of the house? etc. Being that my mother is an Italian Catholic Republican from Alabama, I was afraid she would never support me and I was afraid of losing her. While she was upset when she found out I was a lesbian at 16, she was completely supportive when I came out as a transman to her about eight years later. Conversely I have known parents who seemed to be liberal react poorly to their child’s coming out.  If you are too afraid, think about the number of years you have left under their roof. Weigh the discomfort of being in the closet against the discomfort of a possible negative reaction. 

Fourth, and I cannot emphasize this enough, exercise patience. Even though my mother supported me, it took her a fair bit of time to use my correct name and pronouns. Even though my father absolutely didn’t want to accept it, I gave him time and now he sees me as his son. Remember that you have known this for a long time…and it’s what feels right to you. Give them some time to get adjusted. In the end, all you can do is make the decision that is right for you. So as the saying goes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If you do that and have a strong loving community around you, it may seem more manageable. Good luck and I sincerely hope this helps!! 

Head up!

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All Eli’s links: Facebook  Twitter  Tumblr  YouTube  WebSite 

Articles/Interviews: Washington Blade Article NatGeo Blog Post (Written by Eli)    SocialWorkersSpeak Article   Queer Talk Radio podcast (Nashville, TN) 

Thank you Eli for doing this for me! You are awesome!