#strengthandweakness

Let’s talk about math. I love math. I like seeing numbers and I would just find myself connecting anything and everything to numbers.

When I was a kid, I really thought that counting everything was normal until I had the subject Personal Development just this 11th grade and learned more about OCDs then I realized I got Arithmomania. It is hard to explain, but when you look at the examples on the internet, it is exactly what I am feeling since I was little. It is hard to understand when I was small, actually. I just enjoy counting my steps every time. What I always do is that when I climb up or go down the stairs, I would always count how many times I stepped until I reached the floor. I would sometimes count my steps when I walk (this used to be consistent like I sometimes counted up to 300+ when I walk to my school). Most of the time I count how many times I gulp, and how long I should press the water dispenser to fill my cup. Usually it would be 7. Once I finish counting up to 7 I should stop drinking or it means that my cup is full. It's insane. I have to meet my desired numbers. When I eat chocolate or snacks I have to only eat pieces in multiples of 3. (like 3 pcs, 6 pcs, 9pcs ...) When I turn the volume of the television it has to be in multiples of 4 or 7. These are what I'm usually feeling and I just do it in thought. When I was small I only counted aloud whenever I ran up or down the stairs in our home. Now that I know more about this, I try to remind myself not to count and just think about a lot of other things. When I'm constantly thinking a lot I forget about counting. 

After observing it for a few months, I realized I usually count when I hear sounds. Like when I gulp, when I step, when the water dispenser bubbles up water (I’m not sure what to call it) and so on, I can hear it so I count how many times I or it did. I also tend to count a lot when I wake up. There are a lot more examples that I could share and some are subconscious counting, but it would make it boring and harder to understand. It's been 10+ years already and I haven't really talked about this deeply until now (although we did wrote about it before on our personal development subject but I didn't get a feedback).

At first, I don't know if sharing this helps or if it would just give me anxieties. For the past months, I have been researching in the internet and I just want to talk about it with a person who knows how it feels as well. Thankfully, it stopped when I got to talk it out with my mom and friends. It feels better. Today, I have not been counting, although I still count how many gulps I take when I drink. It probably already became a habit. It’s somehow okay now since it’s not bothering me anymore. I just reassure myself that nothing will happen when I didn’t get the number that I wanted.

So I saw a really cute domestic couple video on Facebook where they do their daily routines and just entirely fluff, I just had to write and make a song.

I wanna be first thing you’ll see when you open your eyes the woman you’ll reach for while you stretch to your side I'll never be lonely when you’re next to mine even just your voice makes me alright

Wanna cook up our meals every morning and night you wash all the dishes we used up, we fight on which game we would play while we sit on the floor and you always win and laugh while I stomp to my door

You'll say you'll always be a man who tucks me up good night and we'll be just fine no sorrows no crime  

through the tides this love song was sang by me in the sky our lives were meant to be and our minds are always calm and free

domestically in love, just you and me but is it reality?

I’m still shy to post a video with it’s tune but when I do, hopefully it will sound okay.

I also found an old poem I created when I was 15!

What is it? What is Love? No one could explain.

Would you tell me? Is it drama? Happiness or pain?

Pondering silently in my haven,

Have never thought of getting this feeling.

I am lost in a labyrinth garden,

For love has entered, can’t stop from thinking.

Some say that love is something enchanted,

Comparing lives like those in fairy tales.

Magical like rainbow, no start, no end,

Simply paradise, heaven it entails.

Am I lost for thoughts to mention a word?

Or have I questioned my heart what to feel.

Love is astounding, never an absurd,

It is real, but I don’t know how to deal.

Would I let this moment pass over me?

Or should I persevere in loving thee.

- Superales K., February 23, 2015

Not everything is found immediately when you are born. I also had a hard time finding what I truly love, and I remember asking myself, “Do I even have a talent?” Well, thank goodness I like taking risks (but sometimes it’s not actually what I am grateful for since I am clumsy). I tried a lot of things, from singing to dancing, and trying different instruments like guitar, ukulele, piano and violin (I fell in love with the guitar and ukulele). Although I am not really best in anything, I consider them my hobbies. It relieves my stress, just by holding my guitar and strumming a few chords as I sing, when I turn on my playlist and dance while nobody’s looking. 

Since my brother likes to play the piano, we’re truly partners in crime. He always tell me that one day, he’ll play the piano while I play the violin (but I stopped playing the violin to focus on studies. it’s hard to go to lessons and it needs perseverance. I just told myself to continue when I have more free time). I would sing for him and we would do a duet while he makes the beats (he can also play the drums, I tried it when we went to a band studio but I failed completely).

I came to realize what all of these have in common. It’s music. It made me think of wanting to go into the music industry, but with all the genius writers, composers, singers and dancers out there I just don’t stand a chance (so much of being a pessimist). 

合 「Conclusion」 

My Dream 🌸  

Making a dream into reality is hard. Actually, it is even harder to decide and have a concrete dream, something that you both want and need. It took me 16 years to finally settle down into something and hopefully fulfill it into reality.

When I was 13, I got addicted to playing games, watching anime and reading manga. These three hobbies made me fall in love with Japan and Japanese foods such as sushi, maki and ramen.

During my Junior High School years, I competed on cooking and baking contests because I liked it so much that I even thought of becoming a chef or a baker. I also think being a baker is easier since I only have to correctly do the steps with the right measurements from the book. Unlike cooking, I have to keep on adding spices and such until you get the taste that you want.

You might already be stressed out on how many things I want to do in life (disregarding my dream of being a teacher or a doctor when I was young), but I never really had anything I do best. I feel like everything that I do right now, they are all average. I can do a lot of things, but they are not perfect nor mastered. I also make mistakes.

Anyway, It’s not like I thought about those two hobbies for a long time and suddenly I thought of my dream, no. The opportunity came when my aunt is struggling with her restaurant business in Makati, which we have visited a couple of times even before. I admit, the taste is really amazing. The food is worth its price. I thought that since the restaurant is small, covered with trees and bamboos, there is a possibility for people to just drive through and miss it. There are even only three parking spaces for its customers. 

My mom and I talked to her throughout the summer of 2016. I even came up of the name ‘Saku’ which means bloom in Japanese and sent the reservation for the restaurant name, TAT Saku Japanese Restaurant with the help of my aunt’s assistant. I could still remember when we would always meet up with the engineer and architect. I got to travel to a lot of places and went to restaurants that I seldom or haven’t even gone to before. I would always tag along with my mom and even go to municipals to apply permits and such. I learned a lot and I became more open with the business world. 

It was so fun, but it was also so stressful. It even came to the point where my mom just wanted to quit because of all the struggles. The architect doesn’t do it’s job well. The start-up requires a lot of investment and just the building already costs a lot. I almost lost hope when she said, “It’s okay, let’s just think that we gambled a lot, had fun, gained experience and it’s just that not everything goes well so we lose.” Too bad, I already decided that it is my dream, or maybe even our dream. Even though my mother doesn’t care about the lost money, It seems like both of our efforts were thrown and just float along in the wind. I cried to her that day, telling her how much happiness it would bring us. How it will help sustain our family when my dad has to stop working for us. How we could start early so that I could help her in the future while I am young and while she is still strong.

🌸🌸🌸

The pictures above tell you how our conversation went. We got to start our business on January 21, 2017 and we are already on operation for almost 8 months. It’s doing well, although we have ups and downs, quit and continue, stop and go. Yes it’s fluctuating, but it’s normal. We have just started.

If you like animals as well, we’ll probably get along fast!

I could live all day just watching them, petting them and taking pictures. You’ll see my phone gallery full of their photos. I have more of them but, unfortunately, tumblr has limits to posting photos.

轉 「Twist」

Kids! I don’t actually like kids, they don’t really like me either. I’m not good with kids and it’s hard to find a little friend who would accept me as a not-so-loving-and-awkward teen. My baby cousins would sometimes cry because of me (I almost lost hope on having a child myself).

An opportunity came and I got to help in an outreach project in Mandaluyong. I held the camera and took pictures. It was only supposed to be a Christmas party for the group’s chosen community, but it was also the time when the nearby houses caught fire and a lot of residents lost homes. Part of the funds where donated to the said tragedy. I got to enter their basketball court where they are permanently staying for days I wouldn’t know until when they could recover. It was so depressing, to see them sleeping on the floor and look at all the things that they could only save. It was full of less fortunate people.

Going back to the children, I felt so calm seeing them play around and chat with their friends while I take pictures of them. They are really loving. I could see it in their eyes how grateful they are. I could see it in their faces how much they want to improve themselves. Since then, I have tried harder to love children. I came to realize how innocent they are in this world, yet they have to face this kind of environment much harder than how I have lived for the past 17 years. I could see it in their smiles that they are still happy even though they could not live a better and free life.