Numbers
Let’s talk about math. I love math. I like seeing numbers and I would just find myself connecting anything and everything to numbers.
When I was a kid, I really thought that counting everything was normal until I had the subject Personal Development just this 11th grade and learned more about OCDs then I realized I got Arithmomania. It is hard to explain, but when you look at the examples on the internet, it is exactly what I am feeling since I was little. It is hard to understand when I was small, actually. I just enjoy counting my steps every time. What I always do is that when I climb up or go down the stairs, I would always count how many times I stepped until I reached the floor. I would sometimes count my steps when I walk (this used to be consistent like I sometimes counted up to 300+ when I walk to my school). Most of the time I count how many times I gulp, and how long I should press the water dispenser to fill my cup. Usually it would be 7. Once I finish counting up to 7 I should stop drinking or it means that my cup is full. It's insane. I have to meet my desired numbers. When I eat chocolate or snacks I have to only eat pieces in multiples of 3. (like 3 pcs, 6 pcs, 9pcs ...) When I turn the volume of the television it has to be in multiples of 4 or 7. These are what I'm usually feeling and I just do it in thought. When I was small I only counted aloud whenever I ran up or down the stairs in our home. Now that I know more about this, I try to remind myself not to count and just think about a lot of other things. When I'm constantly thinking a lot I forget about counting.
After observing it for a few months, I realized I usually count when I hear sounds. Like when I gulp, when I step, when the water dispenser bubbles up water (I’m not sure what to call it) and so on, I can hear it so I count how many times I or it did. I also tend to count a lot when I wake up. There are a lot more examples that I could share and some are subconscious counting, but it would make it boring and harder to understand. It's been 10+ years already and I haven't really talked about this deeply until now (although we did wrote about it before on our personal development subject but I didn't get a feedback).
At first, I don't know if sharing this helps or if it would just give me anxieties. For the past months, I have been researching in the internet and I just want to talk about it with a person who knows how it feels as well. Thankfully, it stopped when I got to talk it out with my mom and friends. It feels better. Today, I have not been counting, although I still count how many gulps I take when I drink. It probably already became a habit. It’s somehow okay now since it’s not bothering me anymore. I just reassure myself that nothing will happen when I didn’t get the number that I wanted.
Bottom line: Having this kind of disorder lead me to stress and anxieties. I always find myself to be in order and find complexity in life. It makes me think a lot and miss out the simplicity I need to have a better life.












