Always the First to MessageāBut Not Anymore
Iāve lost count of how many times Iāve been the one to reach out. The first one to check in, the first one to make sure everyone is okay, the one who sends those messages that say, āHey, Iām thinking of youā or āHowās everything going?ā Itās like Iāve made it my job to make sure that people know they arenāt alone, that someone out there actually cares. But what do I get in return? Absolutely nothing when I need it the most.
Itās hard to explain the feeling of being the one who always initiates. You try so hard to stay connected, to be the person who brings others up, who reminds them that theyāre seen and loved. You think youāre creating bonds, building friendships, showing care and concern. But when things arenāt going well in your life, when your world is falling apart, those same people youāve reached out to time and time again? They disappear.
They skip over the messy stuffāthe parts where youāre broken, hurt, and vulnerable. They donāt take the time to ask how youāre really doing. They donāt care about the real stuff because it doesnāt come with a shiny favour or benefit. When youāre not in a position to help or offer something in return, suddenly, you're invisible. The emotional labour Iāve put into these relationships feels one-sided, and itās exhausting.
Iāve realised that people only message me when they want somethingāwhether itās advice, a favour, or just someone to talk to when they need to feel better about themselves. When the tables are turned, though, thereās no reciprocation. No genuine concern when Iām struggling. No one checking in because they care about me as a person. Instead, Iām left staring at my phone, wondering why I always end up alone in my thoughts, when Iām the one who always tried to be there.
And donāt even get me started on the people who know Iām struggling. Those who know that my mind isnāt right, that Iām walking through life with an emotional weight thatās crushing me, and yet they continue to turn a blind eye. Iām sure theyāve noticed. How could they not? But thereās no āHow are you doing?ā No āIs everything okay?ā No āDo you need to talk?ā
They know Iām broken, and they know thereās nothing they can get from me right now. So they donāt bother. Because if thereās no favour in it for them, why invest any energy in me? Why take the time to support me when I canāt give them anything in return?
I see it now, loud and clear. And Iām done.
Iām done being the person who always initiates. Done being the one who sends those messages, always trying to hold the connection together, while the other person just drifts off, waiting for the next time they need something from me. Iām done offering my time and energy to people who wouldnāt even notice if I disappeared from their lives, because Iām just a convenience to them, not a priority.
Yes, Iām talking to the ones whoāve used me. The ones whoāve only called when they needed something, and only when it suited them. The ones whoāve taken from me and never once thought about giving back. Iām done with you. Iām done giving pieces of myself away to people who couldnāt care less.
And no, itās not just about the handful of people who genuinely care. Iām not throwing them all into the same category, because I know who you are, and I appreciate you beyond words. But this isnāt about you. This is about the othersāthe ones who donāt care enough to ask how Iām doing unless itās to ask for a favour. The ones whoāve known Iāve been hurting and havenāt reached out.
So hereās my message: Fuck you all. Iām done. Iām not the emotional dumping ground anymore. Iām not the person who always has to be strong for everyone else while my own strength is drained. Iāve spent too many years giving and giving and getting nothing in return but the same cold silence when I need someone to lean on.
If you want something from me, you can ask someone else. Because from now on, Iām saving my energy for the people who actually give a damn about meānot just when itās convenient, but all the time. For the people who see me as more than just someone they can use. For the ones who check in when they know Iām struggling, not just when they want something. For the people who actually know what it means to be there for someone.
Iāve learnt my lesson. Itās time to stop being the first to message, the first to care, and the one who always makes the effort. From now on, Iāll wait. Iāll wait for the people who actually want to show up for me, just like Iāve shown up for them. If youāre not one of those people, then this is goodbye. And Iām not sorry.
