#stoplights

Milo and I were part of a pretty large friend group. After the merging of two separate friend groups I had, there were about ten of us in total. We all got along exceptionally well and always had people to hang with, whether it was all together or with those who could hang out that day.

I didn’t have a car of my own yet, so I would often get a ride home from Milo since we only lived a couple of blocks away from each other. Of all of our friends, he was the only one that I had recently met, so it was a nice way to learn more about him.

I had heard about Milo through stories of various friends and peers over the years, so it was nice to finally meet him. Granted, many of these things I had heard about him weren’t the best, including how his last relationship ended with him cheating and getting caught, and my best friend, who had grown up with Milo, warned me to steer clear of him. He didn’t seem to have a very good track record, but he was a part of our friend group so I decided to give him a chance.

Alone in the car together, we finally managed to turn left out of the parking lot and onto the main street, however, were bound for yet another red light not even a hundred feet away. He turned down his car stereo that was playing music from his cassette tape aux. It was here at this red light that Milo opened up to me about how he and his ex broke up. It seemed as though he was waiting to tell me this for some reason like he had hoped for an awkward long silence between our conversations so that he could lay it all out on the table. Maybe it was his way of atoning for the mistakes he’s made.

“It,” Milo hesitated as if to reassure himself that he was going to go through with telling me this, “was with someone that she worked with.”

Already knowing about how their relationship ended, I never prodded for the details as it wouldn’t have felt sincere if he were to tell me because I asked him, nor did I think that it was any of my business to know.

“Ah.” Is all I said.

At the next red light, he explained to me how awful he felt that he did such a thing. He must have suspected that I already knew and my response must have not sat well with him as he continued talking about it.

“I never want anyone to feel the way that I made her feel. I feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“It’s good you recognize that and want to do better.” I was seventeen and had never been in a relationship before. I had no idea what to tell him. I just responded with what I thought was best. I didn’t understand how relationships worked, nor that people who cheat in their relationships will probably cheat again in the future.

Stupidly enough, because of our car rides and the time that we spent together, I felt myself developing feelings for Milo. He matched my high energy as we caused havoc in the friend group. Whenever I was making a fool of myself, he would be two steps behind, doing the same things as the rest of our group would pretend they didn’t know us.

Despite all the negative things that others had said about him, I saw a different side to him, one that didn’t seem to match up with the things that others had said about him. I believed that he wanted to change for the better.

I had come to enjoy our car rides together as it felt like I finally had something with someone in the way that a pair of moms may go out for coffee together on Monday mornings after dropping their kids off at school. I didn’t mind that it would take us almost 45 minutes to get home because it meant we had more time to talk with each other or show one another the latest song that we had become obsessed with.

I told myself that I wouldn’t date anyone in my friend group due to the fear that it could very well be the reason the friend group breaks up. I had followed that personal guideline up until that moment when Milo asked me to be his girlfriend at some frozen yogurt place, writing, “Will you be my girlfriend?” on the chalkboard, in his very typical, illegible handwriting.

At the same mess of intersections, this time below freezing, snow covering the ground, and everything the same desaturated grayish-blue tone, I realized that he may not have the same feelings for me anymore. Sitting in the turn lane, waiting for what seemed like the longest red light, Lauren reassured me that I shouldn’t think too much into it and everything will be okay.

I know Milo was not the same person I had first developed feelings for. He was different from the sad sap who felt like laying his biggest mistake out for me to know and how he wants to be better than that. He was no longer two steps behind me in my craziness. He became the Milo everyone told stories about, the one my best friend warned me about.

The friend group had all gone out for fast food then went back to Milo’s house to hang out. Before leaving the restaurant we were at, Milo stormed out, and shortly after we all followed him out, unsure as to why he stormed out.

“Why did you walk out like that? Are you okay?” I asked him while getting into his car. I didn’t sit next to him in the restaurant and thought that that might have been the reason. I wanted to sit next to Gaby and Lauren, more friends from our friend group, and didn’t think anything of it.

“Gaby was just annoying me, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

She wasn’t doing anything to particularly annoy Milo or anyone for that matter, so I was convinced that it was because I didn’t sit next to him. We got back to his house and Milo sat at the other end of the basement on a different couch with other friends in the group, and Liz sitting very close by. She had a boyfriend but still felt uneasy about seeing the two of them sitting practically on top of each other.

Devin, one of my close friends in the group, sent me a text message a couple of nights after that day we hung out at Milo’s house.

Hey, I know this isn’t something that you probably don’t want to be hearing but, that night, after everyone left his house, they kissed.

I knew this was going to happen, the two of them were inseparable all night.

Devin continued to go into detail about the things that Milo told him of what happened between him and Liz.

They were sitting next to each other close. The night we went to get food… When everyone left… They kissed on the couch.

Don’t.

Text him.

Like kissed or made out?

I’m begging you not to say anything to him or her. Milo told me and just me and that would destroy any trust he has in me.

An extended kiss.

What am I supposed to do then?

I told you because they aren’t just friends, they like each other.

Nothing.

She has a boyfriend!

Do you want my honest opinion?

Yes.

Honestly, I wouldn’t say anything to Milo or Liz because it will cause more problems and create a mess. I think you should just forget about this. I know you’re mad and you wanna know what’s going on, but I think it’s best right now to stay away from him so you can cool down and sort of forget about him.

The next day, my best friend and I drove to Milo’s house and we broke up.

“I know this means absolutely nothing to you but I am so sorry for everything.” He apologized too many times during our conversation.

“You pulled the exact same thing that you told me you never wanted to do again. You haven’t changed.” Something changed in the way that I viewed him. He looked like a stranger, I no longer knew who Milo was. He seemed shorter than me, despite being taller than me. He had a sad puppy dog look on his face, maybe to guilt-trip me into forgiving him after his fifth apology.

“What about the friend group?” Of all the things that were happening, this was an important matter that he felt needed to be discussed.

“I guess,” In shock, I had no idea how to respond to this, “you guys can still hang out, I just won’t be there.”

I soon started to share the same stories about Milo to others that were told to me, except, of my personal experience. I talked to other friends in the group and for some reason, it turned into a sides thing. They all took Milo’s side and continued to hang out without me.

“I think you’re overreacting this whole thing,” Lauren told me at lunch and everyone else agreed. I had no one to rely on and felt like I had no one but myself to get myself through this.

“How am I supposed to react then?”

“It’s just not that big of a deal to get this worked up.”

I now had my own car to drive myself to and from school and took a different route. There was no crazy barrage of stoplights at the intersections. No angered honking because a car would refuse to go through a yellow light in fear of all of the red-light cameras. I made it home in half the time it would take me before, listening to new music, too loud to have an audible conversation with anyone. I drove home alone.

Springtime, two years later, buds growing on the trees and pollen floating freely through the air, at the same intersections Milo would drive me home at. I was told by a friend who was close with Milo’s mom about what recently happened between him and Liz. That their relationship ended similarly, except he didn’t cheat on her. Milo broke up with her because he feared that she was going to cheat on him with someone from the friend group I was ostracised from. He broke her heart in fear of someone doing the same thing that he had done to me and the girl before me.

I was overjoyed to hear how things panned out. I finally felt like I got the closure I needed in knowing that Milo got what he had coming to him. The roles had become switched in which Milo was the poor sap whose heart was hurt. It was the best form of revenge I could have ever wished for, karma.