#stop overthinking shit

We've been pretty solidly talking for the last like...2 days.

We're friends again. I mean, we were never not friends, I just stopped texting him because I really didn't have much to say. 

I don't know why we ever stopped hooking up (besides the girlfriend..), but I mean he obviously didn't have a problem cheating on her, so I guess it was me who cut it off in October. 

We didn't really talk, except for maybe literally 2 times from then until now. I didn't have much to say. When we did talk, I just asked him things like, "How much is gas in Woodville?", or like..asking about weed or whatever (and he never even would come to BG to sell to me, so it was pointless). If I didn't have anything to say, why talk? He obviously didn't have much to say either, or he would text me. I got busy, he got busy. I wasn't ready to be "friends" with him yet. I still liked him, and I needed time to get over it.

Honestly, it didn't really take much. I got over Seth pretty easily. Pretty soon...the pictures of him and Jessica didn't bother me. It was annoying that she thought (thinks..) she has a loyal boyfriend..because she doesn't. He doesn't love her, that's clear. He probably really likes her, I'm sure. And that's great. I was over it. I think they're cute together. She really loves that kid. He's a lovable fuck. He really is. The pictures didn't make me want to puke. The statuses didn't make me wanna cry. I looked at things he said/pictures of them, and I felt nothing. 

We catch up every so often. The last 2 times, though, it's been different. The "catching up" has been different. We talk, and I try to make it very clear that we're just friends....but he brings up the getting together. He brings up the pictures. He brings up the sex. He brings up all this shit... Who knows what it'll be next time.

If it stays at that, I can handle it. I can handle being asked for a hookup. I can handle talking to him about past hookups. Past memories of us. I can handle all that. But, I know that if I ever truly accepted an offer to hookup with him when I go back to Bowling Green, I just KNOW that I'll get attached. I'm not even gonna front like I won't. I will. I borderline am getting re-attached just talking to him on the regular. I feel my heart opening back up for this idiot.

I know that I loved him. Maybe that's what this is....I mean, doesn't it go "There is no past-tense of love. You either always will love someone, or you never really did"? I loved him. And I feel like, ESPECIALLY, if we hookup again, that all those feelings will come back full-force. We're friends. Honestly, we are. I talk to him about hard stuff I can only talk to a few other people about. He's been through the same type of shit I have, in some respects. We're really great friends. But that's all it can be. I can handle loving Seth as a friend. But unless he's willing to do something crazy like leave Jessica and be with me, I can't have sex with him. My heart can't take that kind of heartbreak again. I barely survived in July. I can't do it again. 

So, what I'm saying is...

they're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkkk..

but, they're under control this time, I swear. I'm keeping us just friends. That's all it can be. That's all I want. I want him in my life, as a friend. I really, really do. 

I also realized, while I'm sitting here not asleep and overthinking my entire life, that I've been officially tangled up with this kid for over a year. That's crazy.