#stoned wizard

They were deep enough into the castle now that even the bravest first-years wouldn’t have wandered this far past curfew. A long corridor lined with tall windows stretched ahead, moonlight spilling across the stone floor in pale silver stripes.

Perfect.

James grinned. “Right. This is the spot.”

Sirius clapped his hands together once, quiet but sharp. “Finally.”

Remus sighed, already resigned.

Peter looked like he might pass out.

They moved as a unit, dropping into position with the easy familiarity of boys who had done this too many times to count. James crouched, fiddling with the enchanted mechanism. Sirius leaned over his shoulder, offering entirely unhelpful commentary. Remus kept watch, eyes sharp. Peter hovered, looking like a man attending his own execution.

And then—

A voice.

“…oh my god.”

All four of them froze.

Not just froze—stilled, like something had reached into the moment and pressed pause.

Slowly, painfully, they turned.

There, perched in one of the tall windows like he’d grown there, was Regulus Black.

He was sitting cross-legged on the wide stone sill, shoulders slightly hunched, back resting against the glass. The moonlight caught in his hair, turning it into a soft halo of dark curls, and his eyes—

His eyes were wide.

Not sharp.

Not cold.

Wide.

And very, very unfocused.

In one hand, he held something that was very obviously not school-approved. In the other, a lighter that flicked weakly before catching.

He blinked at them.

Once.

Twice.

Then, with exaggerated care, he brought the blunt to his lips, lit it, and inhaled like this was the most normal thing in the world.

The silence stretched.

Then—

“REGULUS—” James hissed, immediately panicking, voice cracking into a whisper-shout. “DON’T—DON’T REPORT US—”

“PLEASE DON’T—” Peter added, near tears already.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose.

Sirius just stared.

Regulus exhaled.

A slow, lazy stream of smoke curled into the air, catching in the moonlight like something almost magical.

He squinted at them.

And then—

He started laughing.

Not a polite chuckle. Not a quiet huff.

A full, breathless, giggly cackle that folded him in on himself slightly, shoulders shaking as he nearly dropped the blunt.

“Wait—” he managed, lifting a hand like he needed them to stop existing for a second, “wait—oh my god—”

“Regulus,” Sirius said carefully, voice dropping into something low and suspicious. “Why do you look like that.”

Regulus looked at him like he’d just asked the most ridiculous question ever conceived.

“Like what,” he said, grinning so wide it almost didn’t fit his face.

“Like you’ve been hit with a confundus charm and then ran headfirst into a wall,” Remus supplied flatly.

Regulus blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then his grin widened.

“Ohhh,” he said, nodding slowly. “No, yeah. That tracks.”

“REGULUS—” James tried again, desperation rising. “You cannot—listen—we can explain—this is—this is harmless—”

Regulus leaned forward slightly.

Squinted.

Then abruptly pointed at James’s wand.

“AH—” he yelped, flinching back dramatically. “DON’T POINT THAT WAND IN MY FACE—”

James immediately lowered it like he’d been burned.

“—waittttt—” Regulus added, tilting his head, eyes narrowing as if he was solving a deeply important puzzle. “Is you… is you LGBT—”

The corridor went dead silent.

“—cause your gun pinkkkkkk—” Regulus finished, dissolving into laughter again, head tipping back against the window as he cackled.

There was a beat.

Then Sirius made a noise somewhere between a choke and a laugh.

James stared at his wand.

Peter looked like he had left his body.

Remus just… closed his eyes.

“Right,” Remus said slowly. “He’s high.”

“No shit,” Sirius muttered, still staring at his brother like he was a particularly fascinating piece of art. “Since when does he—”

Regulus took another drag, completely unbothered.

Then he leaned forward again, peering at them with exaggerated focus.

“You’re—” he said, pointing lazily, finger wavering. “You’re… four.”

“Yes,” Sirius said dryly. “Brilliant observation.”

“No no no—” Regulus waved his hand, shaking his head like Sirius had completely misunderstood him. “No, like. You’re four. Like… one, two—” he counted, tapping the air in front of each of them, missing slightly each time. “—three… four.”

“…we know how many we are,” James said weakly.

Regulus beamed.

“Good.”

Then he paused.

Looked around.

Looked at the glowing contraption at James’s feet.

Looked back at them.

His eyes lit up.

“Ohhhhhh,” he breathed, delighted. “You’re doing crimes.”

Sirius barked a laugh.

“Technically,” Remus said, “yes.”

Regulus gasped.

Actually gasped.

Then clapped a hand over his mouth like he’d just witnessed something scandalous.

“Oh my god,” he whispered loudly. “That’s so illegal.”

“Reg—” Sirius started, stepping closer now, cautious but curious. “You’re supposed to be on prefect rounds.”

Regulus blinked at him.

Then slowly turned his head, looking down at himself like he’d forgotten he existed.

“Oh,” he said.

A pause.

Then, thoughtfully—

“…yeah.”

Another drag.

Another exhale.

Then he shrugged.

“I got bored.”

“Of course you did,” Sirius muttered.

Regulus tilted his head again, staring at Sirius now like he was trying to remember something important about him.

“You—” he said slowly. “You look like me.”

Sirius stared back.

“…what.”

Regulus squinted harder.

“Wait,” he said, leaning forward, frowning in concentration. “No. I look like you.”

A beat.

“…yeah,” Sirius said.

Regulus nodded like this was a massive revelation.

“Twins,” he decided.

“We’re brothers,” Sirius corrected.

Regulus’s face lit up.

“Oh my god, we’re brothers.”

Sirius let out a sharp, disbelieving laugh.

“Unbelievable.”

Behind them, James was starting to grin, the panic melting away.

“He’s not reporting us,” he whispered.

Peter sagged with relief.

Remus glanced between Regulus and Sirius, something softer flickering behind his usual calm.

Regulus, meanwhile, had slid slightly down the windowsill, posture loosening even more as he got comfortable, one leg slipping out of the cross-legged position.

He pointed vaguely at their prank.

“What’s that gonna do,” he asked, words slightly slurred but curious.

James straightened, instantly animated.

“Oh—right—okay, so—when Filch walks past—”

“—if Filch walks past,” Remus corrected.

“—when Filch walks past,” James insisted, “it’s going to trigger a chain reaction—light, sound, bit of smoke—nothing harmful—just enough to scare him out of his skin.”

Regulus listened with intense focus.

Nodded slowly.

Then grinned.

“That’s so mean,” he said, delighted.

“Thank you,” Sirius said proudly.

Regulus giggled again.

Then, very seriously—

“Can I watch.”

All four of them blinked.

“You want to stay,” Remus clarified.

Regulus nodded eagerly.

“Yeah.”

“You,” Sirius said slowly, “are supposed to be the one catching us.”

Regulus frowned.

Thought about that.

Then waved his hand dismissively.

“Yeah, but like… I’m not gonna,” he said.

James snorted.

Peter let out a weak laugh.

Remus shook his head.

Sirius just… stared at him for a second longer.

Then, slowly, a grin spread across his face.

“Alright,” Sirius said. “Stay.”

Regulus beamed like he’d just been handed the world.

He shuffled slightly on the windowsill, getting comfortable again, legs tucked up, blunt still between his fingers as he watched them with bright, unfocused fascination.

“Okay,” James whispered, turning back to the device. “Positions.”

They moved again—quieter this time, lighter. The tension had dissolved into something almost giddy.

Behind them, Regulus hummed softly to himself, occasionally giggling for no reason at all.

“Why is he like that,” Peter whispered.

“Drugs,” Sirius said simply.

“Language,” Remus murmured.

A distant sound echoed down the corridor.

Footsteps.

Heavy.

Distinct.

Filch.

James’s head snapped up.

“Oh, this is it.”

Sirius’s grin turned feral.

Remus straightened.

Peter grabbed Sirius’s sleeve.

Regulus leaned forward, eyes wide with anticipation, like a child about to watch fireworks.

“Shhhhh,” he whispered loudly.

The footsteps grew closer.

Closer.

Closer—

And then—

The device triggered.

A burst of blinding light.

A deafening crack.

A plume of harmless but dramatic smoke exploded outward, accompanied by a shriek from Filch that echoed through the entire corridor.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF—”

Chaos.

Pure chaos.

James doubled over laughing.

Sirius practically howled.

Peter clung to the wall, cackling in relief.

Remus pressed a hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking.

And Regulus—

Regulus lost his mind.

He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the windowsill, clutching his side, gasping for breath as tears streamed down his face.

“Oh my god—” he wheezed. “OH MY GOD—”

Filch’s furious shouting echoed closer.

“RUN,” Remus hissed.

They didn’t need telling twice.

They bolted.

Four boys tearing down the corridor, laughter trailing behind them like something alive.

Behind them, Regulus stayed exactly where he was.

Still laughing.

Still glowing in the moonlight.

Still entirely, blissfully unconcerned.

By the time Filch stormed past him, red-faced and fuming, Regulus had slumped sideways against the window, eyes half-lidded, grin soft and lingering.

“Did you see—” he started, still breathless, gesturing vaguely down the corridor.

Filch rounded on him.

“BLACK—”

Regulus blinked up at him.

Slow.

Dreamy.

Then smiled.

“…hi.”