#stonecoldheart

I can’t understand myself anymore. Those 8 years we’ve been together, I throw it all away. Yes, I ended my 8 year plus can’t-count-months anymore. And I don’t care. I don’t know when did I stop caring.

Those 8 years, I started to loved you since I was 16 years old. I was head over heels in loved with you. I even pity myself because you always took me for granted that time. It even come to my mind I’ll choose you against my family if you wanted me to. Because I’m still finishing up nursing degree that time and my sister found out about our relationship and threatened me if we don’t end it. So we choose to hide it and keeping it strong. We even plan for marriage that time. our family is a devotee Christian and you come from a royal Muslim family. Yes, a real troublesome if we’ve been found out by our families.

I can’t even believe that my love for you, can expire. Yes. My heart died that time. Emotionally drop dead. It started when you ignore my texts, ignore my calls(we are in a long distance relationship). In short you stop caring and we ended. I cried every night in those times that you have ignored me. Praying to God to end the love I felt for you. After a year you come back again. You explain yourself that you’ve gone through an organ transplant operation that’s why you hide it from me thinking it might end your life and you don’t want me to suffer seeing you died. Of course i still love you that time so I tried ‘us’ once more. Because we really do love each other.

Nursing licensure exam was fast approaching that time. When you drop the bomb. Yes, a bomb of your enfidelity. I was still thankful because you never hide secrets from me. Even that. I burst to tears. My heart was shattered. Pile of mistrust upon mistrust of words. Your still forgiven by me.I pass the board exam. I’m ambitious you know that.

Months and years pass our fragile relationship goes on.. I don’t know why I still cling to ‘us’. It might be because I still love you but not like those times when I was still 16 or might be we became a habit? Of course 8 years is not easy. It’s like I’m fed up. I’m fed up because you done it again just recently and I don’t even cry, I don’t even feel anything when you said it all. Yes, Im numb.

You even cried when you shared your enfidelity. I don’t know why? I should be the one to cry. Isn’t it funny? Now your like a silly lil kid crying, like your lollipop was snatch away from you. But the hard thing is: it’s hard for me to admit to you that I don’t love you anymore. I don’t care about your enfidelity. I don’t care about us anymore. But I still care about you. I love you now as a friend.