#sth 103

Freedom Fighters of the Galaxy (Part One)

Writer: Michael Gallagher Pencils: Jim Valentino Colors: Stephanie Vozzo

So for the next couple of issues, we're actually taking a bit of a break from the heavy stuff. For those who don't know, Michael Gallagher was actually a main writer for the Marvel Comics' Guardians of the Galaxy series during the 90s, and this story is a parody of it. To be clear - I usually have a policy of "if it ain't canon, I don't care" but we've covered alternate-zone Sonics before, and this is technically canonically taking place, just in a parallel zone instead of in our very own Mobius Prime. Zonic arrives to welcome us into an alternate zone for the duration of this story, a zone that exists a full millennium into the future. Mobius is by now a barely-habitable wasteland full of burnt-out husks of buildings and flames that consume the skyline. Lovely place! A spaceship descends onto the planet's surface, and Sonic emerges dressed in a black and silver suit, only to have a being who looks like Tails in a black cosplay wig jump down to him from above. Sonic begins asking how long he's been away from the planet, and when "Tails" seems confused he launches into an explanation of his recent past.

Well that sucks, man. The other being, who introduces himself as "Tailon," explains that at some point during the War of the World a thousand years ago, the Freedom Fighters lost their main champion and subsequently lost the entire war. The planet was burned and became largely uninhabitable, even killing Robotnik himself, but some Mobians did manage to survive, and Tailon is the descendant of one of those survivors. Suddenly, they're attacked by a band of "brass knuckles," which are of course robotic echidnas, and Sonic works with Tailon to defeat them. However, even more arrive, too many to fight on their own - but at that moment, another spaceship descends from above, and a group of other superpowered beings emerges.

Now, I have never actually read the Guardians of the Galaxy comics, nor do I know anything else about any iteration of the series besides what's in the first modern movie, which I've only seen once anyway (I'm not really into superheroes, sue me), but the wiki assures me that all of these guys' names and powers are based on the heroes in the comic that Michael wrote for. Together, everyone works to defeat the rest of the brass knuckles, with Michael unable to resist his usual weird penchant for making Bunnie (or rather, "Bunni") shout bizarre and mildly-offensive taunts relating to the American Civil War, and afterwards the Freedom Fighters of the Galaxy explain how they came to be after the planet was burned.

That is… incredibly depressing, what the hell? I don't know, just that shot of an exhausted and beaten-down group of Freedom Fighters walking through the smoking, ruined city streets is really sad. Anyway, despite there only being one inhabitant of each new planet, they somehow managed to populate said planets, evolving into new forms over the centuries. Bunni's ancestors gained acrobatic skills and fiery hair, 'Twan-Du's ancestors literally shaped their toupees into crests to collect solar energy (and I guess that makes them good archers or something?), Rotor-27's ancestors developed into a martial culture that prided themselves on strength, and Saleta's ancestors settled "Bluto," the planet furthest from the sun, and learned to harness the powers of light. Everything was fine, until just a few years ago, when a genocidal species called "The Shark" (which an editor's note informs us evolved from technology that the Forty Fathoms Freedom Fighters launched into space during the War of the World, officially cementing their place as the most useless and harmful Freedom Fighter chapter ever) descended upon the solar system and literally. Ate. Everyone. They just… ate everyone, man, and after they consumed all living matter on every planet (except for Mobius, apparently) they left, with only Saleta, Bunni, Rotor-27, 'Twan-Du, and Hawkhawk surviving. Thus, they formed their Freedom Fighter group, and now intend to protect the galaxy from all evil! Obviously, Sonic and Tailon are invited to join up as well, by which I mean Hawkhawk aggressively orders them to join, and as Sonic understandably balks at his rudeness, an explosion interrupts their discussion, and… this… abomination emerges from the smoke.

I don't think you guys understand just how freaking hard I lost my crap when I first saw this. I just collapsed straight into hysterical laughter and had to take a break from everything, because the sheer absurdity of a naked, silver-coated Snively riding a surfboard that says "bad boy" burned itself into my brain for all eternity and would not let me go. This is objectively one of the best panels in the entirety of this comic and you cannot convince me otherwise. Go ahead. Try to find something funnier than silver bad boy gremlin man. I dare you.

Myth Taken Identity (Part One)

Writer: Michael Gallagher Pencils: Dave Manak Colors: Frank Gagliardo

So you remember how a whiiiile ago, I said that it seemed kind of bizarre that Wombat Stu would so easily leave behind his fellows in the Downunda Freedom Fighters, without even so much as a goodbye? Well it turns out that they've actually been holding auditions to try to find a replacement member to bring their team back up to five. However, everyone who auditions is terrible, and the team resigns themselves to remaining at four for now, eventually taking to reminiscing about the "good old days" back when they first formed the group. Walt, Bill, and Guru found each other first while out wandering, and upon seeing a factory polluting the landscape they ran to check it out. There, they found a prison camp run by Crocbot, who planned to run cruel experiments on his captives, whom the three quickly freed. Wombat Stu showed up then, having been keeping an eye on the camp for some time but not having the manpower to take it down, and eagerly joined up with the other three as they press onward, trying to find Crocbot's main headquarters. On the way they met Barby, who at the time was a roaming mercenary who wanted to take down Crocbot as well, and they agreed to officially form up into the Downunda Freedom Fighters.