#stfm

Everything inside of Langa fizzed and popped with anger. All his rage were stabbing at his insides, though he wasn’t quite sure who he was mad at. Was this irritation directed at Reki, Reki who had only been himself, flirting with a girl he obviously found pretty? Was it because Reki had flirted with his cousin of all people? 

Or was his fury pointed at Emily for bothering him at work? For having such an effortless smile that always made the boys fall for her, even when they were kids? For knowing just the right way to laugh, for always excelling at being social and never stumbling when talking to those around her? 

Or was Langa’s wrath aimed at himself, stabbing him in the heart for being the worst of traitors? Was this all just him being pissed at himself for allowing his feelings to be hurt by something so inevitable? He knew this would happen at some point. He knew he’d eventually watch Reki be mesmerized by someone who wasn’t him. He knew he was doomed from the start. Was Langa simply furious at himself for falling for yet another straight boy? 

“Langa! You can’t keep ignoring me like this!” 

Emily’s voice had grown distant, buzzing at the back of Langa’s mind. The familiar voice aggravated him, like that of a mosquito circling him. It was as if she were doing it on purpose, poking and prodding him until he finally screamed. Until he finally cried. Until he finally let it all out. Until everything around him disappeared, leaving him in a void of nothing. 

There’d finally be no Emily in Okinawa. There’d be no Okinawa at all. No Japan. No awkwardness. No feelings. No flutters. No boys. No Reki. Or maybe, only Emily would go away. He’d be finally out of his life, letting him return to all he had known these past few months. He’d finally be back to feeling nothing but numbness, just as it was before she had set foot in the country. Langa wouldn’t be feeling any of this anger he hated so much. And all he desperately wanted was to feel nothing, just like before, because nothing was so much easier than everything. It was so much easier to be numb. Empty. Emotionless. Feelingless. Mess-less.  

“Langa!”

It was a reflex, violently yanking his arm back as fingers curls around his skin. His knuckles had gone white around the doorknob. The world had gone red around Langa. Anger burned him, but cold laced his words. 

“Don’t touch me.” 

“Langa! It’s been three days!” 

Three long and painful days of withdrawal. Three long and painful days of having that damn giggle play over and over in his mind. Three long and painful days of remembering that smile, that twinkle in Reki’s eyes. Three long and painful days of feeling like a nothing in the eyes of the one who was everything.

“What did I even do for you to suddenly avoid me like the plague? I don’t even know why you hate me!” 

She didn’t know what she did? The princess was unaware of the pain she had caused? The little angel didn’t know she had done the one thing she had sworn up and down she would never do? Sweet, sweet Emily was innocent as always, wasn’t she? Her and her cruel and twisted, sick fucking jokes.

“You know exactly what you fucking did!” 

A wild look bloomed in Emily’s normally calm but playful eyes. Maybe it matched the look in Langa’s eyes, matched the flames that hazed his vision. The distant honking, the cries of children, the sound of tires against pavement, it all faded out the moment Langa snapped, whipping around to face his cousin. The whole world seemed to stop, cowering at the sight of Langa’s wrath. Everything faded, everything except Emily. Emily with the bright expression. Emily with the glare of ice. 

“I actually don’t fucking know, Langa! I don’t fucking know what I did because you won’t fucking tell me! I didn’t fucking do anything, goddamn it! You’re just being a fucking asshole and honestly, I don’t even think you know why you’re being such an insufferable fucking bastard! But if you do so happen to know why you’re being such a fucking ass, please, I beg of you, enlighten me. Enlighten me with the knowledge, Langa. Because I don’t fucking know what I did and I would goddamn fucking adore knowing why you’re making everyone so fucking miserable with you shitface attitude. So please, if you would be so kind as to tell me, that would be abso-fucking-lutely fantastic!”

A laugh threatened to spill from Langa’s lips. It was an impressive speech, after all. Not everyone would be able to pull out such eloquence, a curse at every second word. But he held back. Langa bit back the laughter, scoffing instead as he folded his arms over his chest. 

So he was the one making everyone miserable? He was the one with a shitty attitude? That was news to him. Really. Or perhaps, Emily had simply never heard of the concept of a mirror. 

As the words formed on Langa’s tongue, he felt the venom drip, hot and dangerous. He’d never been one to be explosive, or even easily angered. Truly, he was more in line with someone who let things roll of his back; he never particularly cared for others or what they had to say about him. But here, now, well, control and politeness were possible the last things on his mind. He’d regret his words one day, maybe, but there was no point in keeping recklessness and danger trapped like a caged bird. 

“That’s real rich coming from the reason why I feel like absolute dogshit. Not that you’d care in the slightest. I should have known. You’ve been the world’s most entitled little brat of a princess. Or rather, there’s only ever been you in this world.” 

Bitter, poisonous laughter spilled from those perfectly pink-painted lips. Flawlessly manicured fingers touched at her heart as the girl scoffed. And something twisted on her face, something Langa had never seen before. Craze or mania might have been the closest descriptors he could think of to describe the look. 

“Me? I’m the brat? Me?” More choked laughter broke her speech. “Are you… Are you fucking hearing yourself? You refuse to fucking talk to me for three fucking days, purposefully avoiding me, but I’m the brat?” 

“Always playing the fucking victim. Well news flash! You’re not the one who’s all alone! You still have everyone you love! You’re not fucking losing everyone you’ve ever cared about!” 

“Oh don’t you dare fucking try to guilt trip me! The sad boy card isn’t going to work on me.  I’m not going to fucking pity you because boo-hoo, little Langa is sad again and mommy isn’t here to kiss it all better.”

“I don’t fucking want your pity, anyway!” 

“Langa! Emily!” 

The shout was a bucket of ice water, silencing the two cousins. For the briefest of moment, solidarity was born, an exchange of looks that confirmed what Langa knew was behind him. Ever so slowly, he turned to face his mother. Nanako, the sweetest woman Langa had been blessed to call his mother, despite her anxiety sometimes hindering him while growing up, was almost unrecognizable. Fury filled her eyes as she stood in the doorway. A chill of terror shot through Langa’s bones as she crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes never breaking contact with either child. 

“In the apartment. Both of you. Now.” 

Like schoolchildren, both followed the woman up the stairs, their gazes fixed on their feet. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, but it was nowhere near as palpable as the fear that coursed through Langa’s body. He felt his nails digging into his palms, his anger still pulsing through his veins. His cheeks were flushed with burning rage, but never could it compare to the ice of fear. It was that which kept him from talking. It was that which kept him silent. He wouldn’t dare make his mother angrier than she already was. 

Like schoolchildren, Langa followed Emily’s lead, dropping his body into the opposite side of the couch. She wasn’t looking at him, refusing to acknowledge his presence, and once more, he followed her lead. If she didn’t want to see him, then neither did he. His feet would be far more interesting than her stupid face could ever be. His lap and feet would be the only thing he’d be looking at for awhile; it was still far scarier to face his mother than it would be to look at a fuming Emily. Every little glance Langa had gotten of his mother, the woman standing in front of them, her arms crossed as she tapped her foot repeatedly, had sent chills down his spine. The mixture of anger, annoyance, and disappointment was more than Langa could ever bear. Never had he felt so small under her glare. Never had he felt so scared of his own mother. 

“So,” Nanako let out breath, something to stabilize her unnaturally calm tone. However, despite her efforts, it was still painfully obvious she was not pleased with either child. “Which one of you two is going to explain to me why I could hear you yelling profanities outside at each other from my kitchen?”

“Langa’s being a little bitch.” 

“Emily, language. You are talking about my son.” 

More poison broke from Emily’s lips. Her huff leaned dangerously close to mocking laughter as she leaned into the armrest. Her eyes still didn’t dare meet those of Nanako; she didn’t have a death wish, after all.

“Exactly. He’s your son. You’re gonna take his side no matter what happened. So what even is the use of his? Just do your worst and lets just it over with already.”

Nanako sighed, her eyes falling shut as she pinched the bridge of her nose. It was the first time since the start of this whole ordeal that Langa found the courage to look at his mother; her age began to show through her expression, fatigue and annoyance seamlessly intertwined with one another. And yet, it was still all so new, that look of what might have been exasperation, or maybe annoyance. Langa wasn’t sure; he’d never seen that look upon his mother’s face. 

“You guys aren’t five anymore. You aren’t children fighting over the last candy bar. And I’m too old to be scolding you and sending you to your rooms to reflect on your actions. You’re both adults. You are adults who are smart enough to know right from wrong. You are adults who should be capable of acting your age. You are adults who should know better than to get into a screaming match, yelling at each other like children.” Another deep breath shook Nanako’s breath. “I’m not going to take anyone’s side, because I know you are both partially responsible for what happened. Neither one of you is some kind of innocent angel, but I want to understand why I’ve been living through hell this week. I want to understand why you,” brown eyes locked with blue, sending once more chills down the boy’s spine as he straightened out, “have been avoiding your cousin like the plague. And you,” Emily recoiled when Nanako turned to her, “I want to know why you were swearing enough to put a sailor to shame. And loud enough for the whole world to hear you? This is a quiet, residential area, not downtown Vancouver where you can barely hear the person you’re yelling at.” 

Silence fell over the two once more. Neither one of them was ready to talk. Neither one of them was ready to explain anything. Langa knew he wasn’t in any condition to be rational and clearly explain his side of the story. He knew the moment he would open his mouth to try to explain anything, try to put everything out there, he would break down. He knew that if he dared try to let anything out, a waterfall of something would beat down on the earth, something he wasn’t ready to let the world witness. And yet, despite those fears, he knew he had to be the bigger person. He knew he had to break the silence. 

“I’m sorry, mom. I’ve just…” Finally, finally courage swelled deep within Langa’s bones; finally he found in himself to meet his mother’s eyes which seemed to have softened for him. “I’ve been a mess.” 

“Kiss ass…” 

It was too strong. The words snapped out of his mouth, escaping him before he could swallow them back. It was wrong, he should have kept everything to himself, but he was no saint. He never claimed to be one either.

“Prissy bitch.”

“Enough!” Langa flinched at his mother’s snappy tone. “I’ve had enough of you two! Both of you, rooms! Now!” Both remained frozen in place, staring at Nanako who seemed unfazed by their wide eyes. 

“Do not make me repeat myself.” Slowly, hesitantly, Langa pushed himself off the couch; Emily seemed to follow suit. “And I want you both calmed before dinner. And you will be talking this through whether you like it or not.” 

Another huff fell from her lips as she made her way to the kitchen, immediately reaching for a mug. She seemed so stressed, so strained, so exhausted. She seemed like a shell of her former self, of the woman she normally was, and yet, Langa couldn’t bring himself to focus entirely on that. Maybe if he had been a better son, then he would be more concerned with his mother’s sudden outburst. Or maybe there wouldn’t have been the need for an outburst; Langa had no idea how to deal with this type of situation. No, all he could do was let his legs lead him to his room. All he could do was feel the numbness wrap itself around every one of his organs, draining him of any type of feeling that might have flowed through him. The only thing left to feel was shame, something adjacent to the burning cheeks of a child stomping off to their room to pout. All he felt was ridiculous and childish.

Cautiously, he shut his door behind him, his back pressed to the wood. Maybe in another life he’d have Emily’s explosive energy, slamming his door as she had. Maybe in another universe he’d have let out every one of his frustrations, let them finally fizzle out. Maybe in some other world, he’d scream into his pillow. Maybe he’d punch something. Maybe he’d sob until sleep finally took him. Maybe he’d finally find a way to physically strain himself enough that his body would give in, completely passing out. Maybe he’d finally feel normal, less numb. Maybe some other time he would exhaust himself more than only emotionally, but not today. Today, he couldn’t bring himself to do any of that. Today, he didn’t have the energy to do anything. 

It was strange, remembering the one time he had let everything out in a fit of violence. Langa had been much younger then, maybe 12, maybe 13. It had been after a particularly bad snowboarding competition, though the moment and reasons had now grown hazy with time. But one thing had been certain: tears had steamed down his face, sobs choking him as he kicked and hit whatever he could in his room. His pillow had taken the bulk of it, ending up half torn up from his fit. And none of it had left him feeling satisfied. All he had felt afterwards was regret and exhaustion. His misery didn’t magically vanish; it was instead amplified upon seeing the state of his room afterwards. 

Langa simply wasn’t explosive, not like Emily. Screaming and shouting and slamming doors just wasn’t the way for him to evacuate his frustration. No. No, Langa, he just… he needed to disassociate until everything felt almost okay. That was how he had coped when… 

Langa let his body flop onto his bed as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Nothing interesting flashed as the screen lit up. A few texts from Reki appeared in his notifications, though far less than usual. Maybe such was the effect of ignoring the only friend he had. 

The first day Langa had felt anger well up inside his core, Reki hadn’t seemed to take the hint. He had sent him the usual dozens of skating reels and clips. He had been Reki, the same cheery boy he’d always been. The second day, worry seemed to have begun washing over Reki. Text after text came through, asking Langa if everything was alright. And as the hours passed, so did the number of texts Langa received. By the third day, his phone had become a desert. Or at least, almost; Reki was still persistent, sending him a little something every few hours.

I don’t know what happened Langa please tell me I’m sorry Langa Can you please answer me? At least tell me you’re ok? I’m about to call your mom to make sure you’re not in the hospital or something Langa please

Langa knew it wasn’t fair of him to be such a shut-in. He knew it wasn’t fair of him to refuse to tell anyone why he was mad. He knew all this, but he also knew he wasn’t ready to let it out, as much as he would have loved to just put it all out there. If he were to answer Reki, who knew what might be said; Langa wasn’t going to test fate, allowing the possibility of him snapping at Reki as he had just done at Emily. He couldn’t risk being cruel to yet another person he cared for. 

Silence fell with Langa’s phone as he sunk deeper into his mattress. Another day of silence, it seemed. Another day, but it was for the best. Reki could finally spend time with his other friends instead of having Langa monopolize his time, energy, and attention. He could maybe finally find the time to go talk to all those pretty girls his eyes go wide for. He’d finally be able to make them giggle, flirt with the prettiest of the bunch. And his smile; he’d be smiling wider than he ever has as his fingers intertwine with this pretty girl’s fingers, as she’d pressed a kiss to his cheek. Reki would be so thrilled to spend time with someone he liked. He’d be so thrilled to be able to hold hands, touch, kiss. Reki would finally be able to have that sweet first kiss he’d been dreaming of for so long. He’d finally have a chance to chase that dream, rather than limiting himself to a pathetic and clingy Langa.  Langa who was so lonely in this dumb, stupid world. Reki didn’t have to be like that; he was allowed to have friendships, relationships outside of just Langa. 

Langa rolled over, burying his face into his pillow as he groaned. The more he thought about Reki, the more he thought of that faceless girl who’d get to do everything Langa wished he could do with Reki, the more Langa felt sick. Just the thought of some girl getting to kiss Reki, come home to him every day, marry him, share everything with him, it drove Langa insane. Everything inside of him twisted; a little more and he’d be sick on his bed. Pathetic. Useless. Ridiculous.

“Langa, baby?”

Reluctantly, Langa lifted his head from his pillow. His eyes followed the sound of the creaking door, finding his mother standing there, two mugs in hand. Her shoulders seemed heavy, leaning into the doorframe, but that didn’t stop her from sporting that maternal look she always had when looking at her son. A sliver of a smile hung from her lips as she waited for him to let her in, be it just with a curt nod as he readjusted his body on the mattress. And with that, she made her way into the room, placing one of the mugs on the nightstand before settling at the edge of the bed. 

Nanako’s touch was comforting, that same little pat to Langa’s leg she had always done as he sat up, legs crossed on the bed. Her smile stretched and her eyes relaxed as she pressed the mug into the boy’s hands. 

“I made you hot chocolate since I know you’re not that big on tea. Thought you could use the pick-me-up.” 

There was no reason for Langa to feel so embarrassed. There was no one to judge the scene. There was no one who could laugh at him, pointing fingers. There were no voices chanting that he was a mama’s boy. In the confines of his own home, in his room, there was no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed of being cared for by his mother, the woman who had always made it a point to remind him that she would always look out for him, even when he would be big, even when he would be living his own life, even when he would have kids of his own. There was no reason, and yet, the feeling lingered. It lingered as he mumbled out a thanks and took a sip of the drink. It wasn’t quite like back in the day, not quite like the chocolates he’d have on the couch after a long day on the slopes, not quite like the hot chocolates that would wait for him on the kitchen table after school, but still, it was sweet. It was sweet enough to fill him with a comforting warmth. 

“Langa? What’s wrong, baby? You’re not usually so…” Nanako chewed at her thumbnail, brows furrowed. “You’re usually so much calmer than this. I’ve never seen you…” 

The waver in his mother’s voice was enough for Langa’s chest to tighten. He had to be a fool to not notice the exhaustion or the worry that lingered on hr facial features. Every word she let out, it was laced with a mother’s natural protectiveness, and yet, it seemed like she was walking on eggshells. Perhaps she genuinely did think that one wrong statement would be enough to send Langa back into a fury. And having all of that staring back at him, all that potential guilt, it was enough to make him choke up. It was enough for him to begin cracking. 

Don’t cry. Don’t cry in your mother’s arms. You’re stronger than this. You’re not a baby anymore. Don’t sob. Hold it in. Don’t—

“I miss Dad.” 

The words fell out as the tears streamed down his cheeks. He should have held them back, bottled them as he had always done. He shouldn’t have let the gasp break from his lips, let the sobbing begin. But then again, was it not that very thing that led him here? Was this confession not the real reason he felt like utter, absolute shit? Was it not, in a way, the root of all of this misery? 

How long had he been afraid of losing someone else so dear to him? How long had the paralyzing fear of being all alone, completely destabilized, abandoned once more held him in such a chokehold?  How long had he feared to lose Reki to another? Was this not the very reason for all his frustrations? His anger towards Emily? Towards Reki? Towards himself? 

“Oh, baby…” 

Langa hadn’t realized he had begun shaking until his mother was prying the mug from his fingers and pulling him into a tight hug. He hiccupped into her shoulder, gasping for air between the sobs, as she stroked his hair, pushing his bangs back and gently hushing him as she had always done all those years ago. And just as it had help soothe him the last time he had broken down this badly, the gesture was a welcoming comfort. It had, once again, made opening up just every so slightly easier. 

“I—!" Langa gasped, his grip on his mother’s sweater tightening. “I miss him. I miss him so much…” 

“Sh… Sh, I know, baby. I know.” 

“I miss Canada. I… I miss my room, and our house. I just… I miss home, mom. I miss grandma and grandpa. I miss it all so much. I just… All of it.” 

Langa peeled himself off of his mother as he wiped the tears away. It had been so long since the last time he had sobbed into his mother’s shirt, soaking it with salty tears. When had been the last time he had cried so much? Maybe back when he had been a child, back in Canada, in the neighborhood’s park, scrapping his knee after falling from the swings? Maybe it had been after a particularly bad loss, out in the mountains? Or maybe after he failed a test for the first time? All those times, the pain had seemed unbearable, but slowly, it faded away, dissipating with every stray tear. Every time, things had felt a lot more dire than they actually were; this time, things were as bad as they felt. Unlike the previous wounds, this one cut much deeper; this one hurt a lot more. This was a wound that had been left untreated for far too long. 

“I miss the noise of the city. And the snow. And the cold. I miss…” Langa hiccupped again, his chest heaving with every ragged breath. “I just miss it all. I miss not having to translate everything and think of every single word I want to say. I miss only having grandma and grandpa to speak Japanese to. I miss not being so behind on everything and I miss being able to write normally. I miss not struggling to read even the most basic signs like a restaurant or street name. I just…” Langa wiped the last few tears away, finally having managed to calm himself down completely. “I miss being myself.” 

“Baby, haven’t you been yourself? With Reki?” Nanako’s hands were cool against Langa’s burning cheeks, the circular motion of her thumb soothing as it had always been. “You’ve been smiling so much more lately, if we ignore the last couple of days. And it had been so long since the last time I had heard you laugh as you do now. You seemed so happy, baby.” 

Langa watched as his mother paused. A weak smile pulled at the corner of her mouth as she pulled back, her fingers curling once more around her mug. There was more she wanted to say, so much was obvious, but just like her son, wording it was difficult. So they sat there, basking in the silence, until Nanako’s light chuckle broke it once more. 

“You know, I was so afraid that bring you here wouldn’t change anything. I was terrified that it would be Canada all over again. I stressed morning, day, and night that you’d still be terrified to talk to kids your age, if not even more now because of the language barrier. Because, I just… I really thought you were just a shy kid and that it was completely normal for you to hide behind me or your father whenever anyone would talk to you. I remember laughing about, thinking it was the most adorable thing when you were a toddler. But then, you were still doing it at 14. And I don’t know if you were scared of talking to others, or if you genuinely had no interest in them, but all I ever wanted was for you to have friends your own age. And real friends, kids that you would hang out with after school and go do whatever dumb things boys normally do. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I wanted you to break out of your shell, and finally, you did! Baby, you have a friend! You have Reki! And I don’t think you know how happy it makes me to see you go out all the time. Langa, it makes me so happy to see you happy. I’m so grateful to see you be, well… you.” 

Had he really been himself with Reki? If anything, it felt like the opposite; Langa felt so deceitful, so not himself around Reki. He had always made it a point to hide parts of himself that he knew wouldn’t be fun to have around. Or was he being himself? Was it possible for him to be himself but also conceal crucial parts of himself? Was it possible for those two things to coexist? There was just so much more to Langa; there were a million extra little things that made him who he truly was, but none of those things could be brought out, shown to the sun. 

“I can’t…” Langa felt his throat clog up, but still, he persisted. “I just can’t… There’s no way for me to… He still doesn’t know that… I’m just— He— I—!” 

“You’ll figure it out, I know you will. I know, because you’re my son, and I know my son can do whatever he sets his mind to.” A small smile tugged at the corners of Langa’s mouth as his mother gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Things will be alright; I promise they will.” 

He didn’t resist his mother pressing a kiss to his hair, whispering an ‘I love you’ as she had once had the habit of doing. A lifetime might have gone by since then, but still, Langa remembered needing his good night kiss, every night. Without it, there was no way he was falling asleep, at least not until he was about 10, suddenly deciding that kisses were only for babies and moms weren’t cool anymore. Oh, the influences of eavesdropping around the playground at school. 

There was not point in denying to himself that he wished his mother had continued pressing kisses to his head and cheeks, despite all his youthful protests. If she had continued, or had Langa not been so stubborn, then maybe things wouldn’t be so tense. Nowadays, Nanako didn’t give him much physical affection. Smiles and reminders of her love for him still happened nearly on the daily, but hugs between them were scarce and kisses even rarer. But now, a warm feeling swelled inside of Langa as Nanako held him, showering him with affection just as she used to when he was a child. And it was nice. It was a nice feeling that Langa had forgotten about. It was a really nice feeling. 

“So, will you finally tell me why you were screaming at your cousin outside?” 

Langa blinked, finally being pulled back to the present day. His argument with Emily, he had basically forgotten about it. He’d been so caught up in his own downpour of emotions that he had forgotten that the scream-fest right outside the apartment complex had been the reason for his current captivity. He had long forgotten about the bubbles of anger in the pit of his stomach. 

Langa’s gaze fell aside as he took a deep breath. Now, with this new found clarity, the reason for his outburst was stupid. Like, really stupid. 

“Reki hit on her?”

The whisper that left his lips sounded way worse than when it was but a scream in his head. Not only did it sound absolutely ridiculous, but those words also forced him to relive the scene over and over again, as if the darkness of the night wasn’t enough to torture him with the mental images. Those words, they conjured up the image of the smiles. Of the laughter. Of the teasing. The obvious chasing. The buzzing. The ringing. The panicking. The blurring. The leaving. The running. The crying. Those words, they forced Langa to relive the situation, something far worse than living it in the moment. Thinking back to it forced him to acknowledge what happened, searing the images in his mind. Another nightmare turned to reality.

“Baby, are you certain?” 

The laughter felt like venom dripping from Langa’s lips, bitter and angry. Was he certain? Absolutely. There was no doubt in Langa’s mind that Reki had been flirting with the traitor. He’d seen him flirt in the past; the near same exact words had been used again. And Emily? Well, Langa hadn’t stuck around long enough to know what she had done in return, locking himself in the backroom before he would be sick. 

“Langa, have you tried talking to Reki about this?” 

“And say what?” Nanako barely reacted as Langa threw his hands up in the air before crashing back into his mattress, fingers gripping at his hair. “Hey, could you not hit on my cousin and flirt with me instead? Could we pretend I’m a pretty girl instead? I’ll even grow my hair out longer if that could help you out! Or how about you open your eyes to see how absolutely broken I am? Or,” the laughter was hysterical, tears welling at the corners of Langa’s eyes once more, tears he couldn’t claw away fast enough, “or how absolutely fucking I am in the head? How I’m not normal for… for this mess? Because I’m a… I’m…” 

Langa gasped for air. Suffocating. He was suffocating in this room, this room that was too small, this room that was closing up on him. He needed air. He needed to be outside. He needed to be out in the open. He needed to be anywhere other than in this room. He needed to be let out of this cage. He needed to get out. Trapped. Choking. Out. 

“Baby.” Nanako’s hand on his leg pulled Langa back to earth, back to the room, back to a place of safety. “You’re none of those things. Langa, you know you’re none of those things.” 

“Why can’t I just be like all the others? Why can’t I just… It’s be so much easier if I just liked girls.”

Never in his entire life did Langa think he would utter those words. Never had he ever thought of a single instance where he would have to say those words. For as long as he could remember, he had been proud of his sexuality. It had always been a part of himself that he had embraced without a problem, never shying away from the fact that he liked boys. He had never felt the need to hide that part of himself. And sure, it probably helped that his parents did not flinch when he first hinted at it; they had never questioned him, nor had they ever suggested it was unacceptable. And while he never explicitly came out to them, he had been pretty open about his queerness. Everyone had accepted it as fact that Langa liked boys and that was the end of the conversation. Well, other than his grandmother who still asked him when he was going to bring home a nice girl from school. 

Truly, being gay was the least of Langa’s problems. At least, it used to be. It never mattered to him that he liked boy. And if people couldn’t accept that, then there was no reason for Langa to associate himself with them. There was no denial phase; never had he tried to convince himself that he liked girls. Never had he ever wished himself to be straight. His sexuality, there was never any questioning or any desire to try to fit into a mold. He liked boys and that was that. End of story. At least, until now it had been.

Now, well, there was no desire to become straight, not that he could change that core part of himself. No, but maybe it would’ve been easier if he had just been like the majority and liked girls. And it wasn’t like it would be difficult! He wasn’t stupid; anyone with eyes knew that girls were pretty. Just like how boys could be pretty. Just like how Reki was just so goddamn pretty. 

Maybe everything would have been so much easier if he didn’t like Reki as much as he did.  

“You know that’s not how that works.”

A pillow swallowed Langa’s muffled groan. “I’m painfully aware.” 

Nanako signed as she got up from the bed. She gave Langa’s leg one last comforting pat, a warm touch that was enough for him to peer above his pillow again, before sending him a smile as she made her way towards the door. And that smile was what Langa needed to realize how lucky he was to have her as a mother. He hadn’t fully grasped how lucky he was to have a mother who loved him as unconditionally as Nanako did. He never stopped being her baby boy; if she was here now, she’d always be there for him.

“I’m going to go check on your cousin, see if she’s a little calmer now. And I’m going to go make dinner. If you need me, you know where to find me.” She pushed the door open before turning back to her son with that same soft smile she always wore for him. “You can always talk to me, Langa. Always. Whenever. Even when it’s weird. And while I don’t promise to always know what to say, or how to answer all your questions, I will always try my best. And I’ll always be there for you.” A pause; the crinkle by her eyes was almost embarrassing to spot. “I love you, baby. I love you so much, my son.” 

“Love you too, mom.” 

“And you’re perfect. You’re not broken. Don’t you ever forget that.” 

Langa sighed, dropping the pillow back onto his head as Nanako closed the door behind herself. You’re not broken. The words rand in Langa’s ears. You’re perfect. He definitely didn’t feel perfect. If anything, he was a complete mess. There was so, so much he could fix about himself, and even more that he could change about himself. Maybe, just maybe, everything would be a little easier if he managed to be who everyone else wanted him to be? 

The buzzing in his ears echoed in his brain. It echoed through the room, that rhythmic buzzing that always seemed to get louder. It just didn’t stop. It just buzzed. And buzzed. And buzzed. And… 

Langa’s heart leap to his throat as he scrambled off his bed. Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing. His phone. It was his phone. It was the phone that had fallen earlier. It was his phone that was echoing through his room. It was his phone that was struggling to light up the underside of his bed, lost among the stray socks and t-shirts he had kicked under there in an attempt to clean his room. 

Hastily, he grabbed it, his eyes falling on Reki’s contact picture flashing across his screen. A smile was bitten back as Langa stared at the immortalized grin directed right at him. That smile, it was all for him. It was a grin no one else got to see. That one, it was the brightest, widest grin Langa had ever gotten the pleasure of seeing in his life; it was no wonder he had felt the need to pull out his phone to capture the moment. And now, with the tricks of time, he had forgotten why Reki had smiled that wide. Maybe it was because he had finally pulled off a trick he had been practicing for hours, days, weeks. Maybe it had been the victory that accompanied a good test grade. There was no way to truly knowing anymore what had caused such a grin; the memory had turned hazy, its details lost like the days prior. But one thing was for certain: that was the brightest smile of all and he would do anything to—!

Silence and darkness rested in the palm of Langa’s hand. His reflection stared back at him before being briefly broken up by a flash of a notification: Missed call from Reki. Reki had called him. Reki who never, ever called, had dialed his number. Reki was reaching out to him and Langa had failed to answer. He had missed his one chance at actually talking to Reki. 

Mortified didn’t even begin to describe the feeling growing in his chest and cheeks. How could be so stupidly caught up in staring at a picture of best friend that it didn’t register for a single second that it was a call coming in? How could he be so stupidly mesmerized by Reki’s ridiculously adorable grin that he had forgotten that his phone wouldn’t ring forever and that he had to answer his fucking phone? How could he be such a fucking dumbass? Why was he such a dumbass who was way too down bad? 

The screen lit up once more, Reki’s name reappearing. 

Sorry, guess you’re busy I just miss you

Langa’s inside tightened once more, his heart skipping a beat. Reki missed him. Reki wanted to talk to him. Reki wanted to hear his voice. Reki was reaching out. And it was stupid to have not realized any of this earlier. It was worse that he hadn’t done anything to prevent them getting to this point. It wasn’t like Langa didn’t want to hear Reki’s voice as well. If anything, he didn’t just want to hear that laughter, that voice that always picked up whatever broken part left shattered on the ground; Langa needed to hear Reki’s voice. He needed to call him back. He needed to finally do something about this mess he had created. 

Clumsy fingers unlocked the phone before frantically scrolling through the ungodly number of apps that needed to be deleted. But all of that could wait. Right now, only one thing rang, pounded in Langa’s brain: phone. Reki. Phone. Reki. Nothing in the world other than calling Reki mattered. Nothing. 

“Langa?”

A wave of relieve crashed against Langa’s chest, a feeling he wasn’t particularly proud of. Still, it left him with a dopey grin he didn’t even try to hide. Reki’s voice had come through only an instant later; he hadn’t been like Langa, staring at the screen, not doing anything. Reki, he barely let the phone ring a single time. Reki, he was so quick to fill Langa’s head with his sweet voice. Reki, whether or not he knew it, he was undeniably Langa’s anchor in life. 

“Hey.” 

Langa felt his voice crack on the single word. No matter how relieving it was to hear Reki’s voice, something still choked him from the inside. Relief crashed against his ribs, but something was still stabbing him. Something hurt. Something made Langa’s inside twist. 

Reki was everything he had wanted. His voice was the one thing he craved more than life itself. Getting to talk to Reki again was his one goal, and yet… Nothing had ever hurt so badly. Reki… 

“You alright, man? You sound…” There was a pause, a deafening silence between the two. “You sound like you just cried.” 

It was almost scary how easily Reki would pick up on things. He’d always been weirdly perceptive with these types of things, never needing to be near to know something was off with Langa. He didn’t need to see the puffy red eyes, the shaky, heaving breaths, or the tear-stained cheeks. All it took was a single word for Reki to know something was wrong. Just one crack and Reki had him all figured out. Well, almost figured out. If Reki really was a mind reader, or if Langa was as much of an open book as he felt in the moment, then neither of them would be in this current situation. If Reki had known everything, then he could have walked away a long, long time ago.

“I’m fine. Really. But you called.” A pause. “You never call.” 

“Just wanted to check up on you. You just… seemed to be avoiding me and all since our last shift, and I don’t really know why. But I know it’s something I did or maybe some dumb shit I said? Since I’m always saying some dumb shit because…” The short, choked laugh felt like another stab to the heart. “Y’know, I’m just dumb and—”

“You’re not dumb.” 

“But I am sorry.” 

An apology? What was Reki apologizing for? He didn’t really have anything to apologize for. If anything, Langa was the one who needed to apologize to Reki. He was the one who needed to say sorry for running off, for ignoring him, for being dumb. Not Reki. Reki didn’t really have anything to apologize for.

“You don’t even know why you’re apologizing.” 

“I hurt you somehow and I want to say sorry for that. And maybe I don’t really know what I did, but I know I did something. It’s pretty obvious something upset you. So I’m saying sorry for upsetting you and hoping that you’ll tell me what it is I did so I can never do it again. So, please, Langa? Tell me what I did wrong?”

Tell me what I did wrong so I can never do it again. If only Reki knew. If only he knew what had started this whole spiral of Langa’s. But asking him to stop, that would be unfair to Reki. Never repeating what he had done was impossible. It wasn’t possible or fair to stop Reki from flirting with people, with the girls he liked just because Lagna wanted to be the center of his universe. Reki was allowed to fond someone to eventually love; Langa wasn’t allowed to get in the middle of that. 

“You didn’t do anything. I’ve just been having bad days.” 

“Is that why you’re crying?” 

Crying? Langa wasn’t crying anymore. Maybe before, maybe when his mother had been in the room with him, but not anymore. Now he was—oh. 

Instinctively, Langa touched his damp cheek. So there were more tears. There were more pathetic tears.

“Langa, I’m coming over. I gotta. I can’t just leave you like this.”

“Please don’t.” Another chocked sob was muffled by Langa’s hand. “Please.”

“Langa…” 

Oh, there was nothing worse than hearing Reki pleading to be let in. He had never been one to push, always preferring to let things happen when the time was right, but he also knew first hand what it was like to be hurt by his best friend. He knew what it had been like to be hurt by Langa. And he had sworn to never let himself hurt Langa, or at least never let it fester as they had the last time. If there was one promise he would not be breaking, it was the promise to make things better. He had promised to be the shoulder Langa could cry on. Reki promised to be there, Reki who knew how much it sucked to be crying alone. 

“Langa, please, can I come over?” 

“Okay.”

It was barely over a whisper. It barely left Langa’s lips, barely making it into the world, but Reki had heard him. Reki had heard his answer and that was all that mattered. All that had ever mattered was that Reki was there.

Everything had gone so quickly; everything had been so chaotic. Langa hadn’t managed to pinpoint at what moment exactly Reki had left his house, but he knew he was outside under the setting sun. The wind whooshed, a scratching sound muffling Reki through the phone. But that didn’t stop the boy from rambling on, talking about everything and nothing. He just kept talking, filling the silence Langa had expected. Because he really had expected Reki to hang up before making his way to the apartment, but he never ended the call. He just did what he did best: he held a conversation with himself, retelling funny stories that Langa had already heard a thousand times but always managed to pull a laugh out him. Reki just talked: about his sisters, about work, about S, about their friends. Reki repeated stories about all of them, never stopping, always talking by himself. And never was there a hint of discomfort or awkwardness; this was, after all, another of Reki’s many talents. 

The call disconnected as a light knock on the door echoed through the room. Langa didn’t have time to answer before the door was creaking open, revealing amber eyes and a pretty smile. A pretty smile all for Langa. A pretty smile that was not for Langa. A pretty smile that filled Langa with joy. A pretty smile that filled him with hurt and dread. 

“What happened to you, man?” 

Langa pressed his back to wall and pulled his knees to his chest as Reki sank down into the mattress. His eyes flickered between the boy and the floor as he thought of an answer to the question, because what had happened to Langa? Everything? Nothing? It felt like a lifetime had happened to him in only a few short years, months, days, hours… So much had happened, too much had happened, and yet, nothing that he could share. He couldn’t tell Reki a single thing that had happened to him. 

“Just in a mood.” That was what Langa settled on. He accompanied it with a shrug, hoping, praying that his voice wasn’t betraying him once more. 

“Is it something I said? I know I can be an idiot sometimes and I—!” 

“You’re not an idiot, Reki. Don’t… Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re not dumb or idiotic or any of those things. You’re amazing. You’re…” Big amber eyes stared at Langa, eyes that seemed full of something he couldn’t quite describe or understand. “I’m the idiot.”

Silence weighed down on both boys, a silence so different from that comfortable one Langa was so used to. This time, it was tense and thick enough to slice with a knife. It was one of the worst things Langa have experienced in a very long time. 

“When she let me in, your mom…” If those amber eyes flickered one more time between Langa and Reki’s knees, he might have just screamed. “She said that you got into a fight with your cousin and that’s why you’re all…” Reki gestured vaguely in Langa’s direction, the cuffs of his hoodie covering most of his hands. “And I just… Is it ‘cause I suggested teaching her how to skate?” 

Yes.

“No.” 

More silence. Nails picked at skin before being swatted away by Langa. Then eyes. Big, round, amber eyes filled with pain. A look of fear, something akin to a puppy being kicked. 

“It’s just that she seemed so bored and I know that skating cheered you up, so I thought… maybe it would cheer her up too? And I don’t know, but I thought maybe she’d pick up on it as quickly as you did? And she’d get to feel free or something like that? ‘Cause you don’t have to talk or anything when skating? And also, I thought it’d be kinda cool if she did end up being good at skating, ‘specially since we don’t know any girls who skate?” 

“Koyomi skates.” 

“Yeah but that’s my little sister! It doesn’t count and it’s not cool!” 

“Emmy’s my cousin. What’s the difference between her and Koyomi?” 

Reki chewed at his lip. He had no answer, just as Langa had expected, because there was no difference between Koyomi and Emily. Or rather, it was because of one very obvious difference between the girls.

“It’s because you like her, isn’t it?” 

The question dripped in pain, pain he hadn’t meant to let slip out but simply could not contain anymore. He couldn’t bottle it up anymore. The uncertainty, the possibility, it was slowly killing him. Not knowing the full extent of the truth was like death by a thousand cuts; it was slow and excruciating. But now, now that it was out in the open, maybe, just maybe, Langa would be able to grieve properly. With Reki’s agreement, with his confession, he’d finally be able to let his feelings die down; he’d finally be able to move on from whatever little hope he so desperately clung onto. With Reki finally admitting that he liked girls, he liked Emily, Langa would finally be able to stop breaking his own heart with the smallest slivers of delusion.

“No! Yes? I mean…. I don’t know, man. Like, she’s cool and all, but I… I just… Do I like her?” 

Langa shrugged, not quite able to meet Reki’s eyes. His head was saying yes, but his heart was screaming no. And no matter how hard he tried, Langa knew there would be no consensus between those two fundamental parts of himself. There was simply no way they could agree on this topic. Then again, rationality and feelings rarely agreed with one another. 

“Emily’s real cool and all, but…” Hoodie sleeves covered Reki’s hands once more, the fabric being pulled and stretched and twisted and bunched. “Like, I know it’s kinda hard talking to her since, y’know, the whole language thing, but I still do like hangout with her. I like hanging out with her and talking to her ‘cause she just… I don’t know… She kinda reminds me of you?” 

Langa blinked at the boy who was now staring at him. He stared as he processed the words; Emily reminded Reki of Langa. Emily, the preppy, over-the-top, extroverted chatterbox, reminded Reki of Langa, the boy known for his silence. Emily and Langa, the cousins who could not be any more different from one another. Somehow, Reki saw some Langa in Emily. And by that logic, he saw some Emily in Langa. 

“How?” 

A snort escaped Reki before he could clasp a hand over his mouth. A snort followed by an eruption of laughter, a sound that had his whole body shaking. A sound that had Langa’s heart melting and freezing over all at the same time. 

“I- I don’t know? You two are just… You’re both so stupidly stubborn and reckless. And neither one of you care that others think of you! You’re also both…” A deep breath steadied Reki’s speech. “Okay, so you’re way more polite than she is – I’ve never actually seen someone flip a person off in the streets, but I guess the guy did deserve it – but you both stand up for yourselves. And you’re also both super impulsive and just… I don’t know! You’re just similar!” 

Similar. Langa and Emily. Emily who was the definition of outgoing. Emily who lived on a stage. Emily who made a show out of everything she did. Emily who lived to be the center of attention. How was she anything like Langa? How could she be anything like the boy who dreaded being around other people? How could she be anything like Langa who hated talking, who didn’t give a single shit about what other people thought of him because that would require him to acknowledge others thought of him? How was she anything like him, the boy who panicked so easily but rarely ever showed it? It was impossible for them to be anything alive; they were, by definition, polar opposites. South and north. Hot and cold. 

“You are insane, Reki.” 

“Gee,” Reki rubbed his nose, chuckling lightly, “thanks, man. Real good for the self-esteem there.” 

Langa tensed at the words. Another difference between him and Emily: she was amazing with people while he was absolute shit. He always managed to say the wrong things. He always managed to make everything worse. 

“I’m kidding! Dude, I’m just joking! Don’t gotta freak out!” 

Reki’s voice faded out as warmth wrapped around Langa’s shoulders, leaving him frozen in place. A hug. Reki was hugging him. Reki was hugging him, fingers gripping the back of his t-shirt. Reki was hugging him, holding him close, holding him like he could slip out of his grip at any moment. Reki was hugging him, and Langa? What could Langa do other than loop his arms around Reki’s waist, hugging him right back? 

“You mean everything to me.” The English broke out, Reki’s shoulder muffling the words. Langa simply didn’t have the words in Japanese to say what he needed to say; the words he knew weren’t correct. English was just easier – safer – as he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to stain Reki’s sweater with more tears. The wobbly English was just easier than any attempt at formulating a Japanese sentence. “I don’t know if you know this, but you’re my everything. You’re my favorite person, my only person. You’re honestly the only person I actually like, because… You’re just so amazing. You’re the most amazing person I have ever met and you’re just so great. You’re… I don’t know what I’d do without you. So please…” Another gasp. A tighter grasp of Reki’s hoodie. “Please don’t leave me. Please don’t go. Please… Please, you’re just… You’re my everything.” 

Langa’s fingers dug into the fabric of the hoodie as Reki patted his back. He could feel himself shaking as he clung onto Reki. He could feel the horrid feeling pulsing through his whole body, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go of Reki. Not yet. Right now, he just needed this. He needed Reki for just for one moment more. 

“Hey, Langa, dude…” Another pat. “I… have no idea what you just said, but like, everything’s gonna be fine. But also, dude, I have never heard you talk so fast? I couldn’t even make out where the words separated! You talk crazy fast, d’you know that?”

“S’fine.” The sniffling felt gross, but better sniffling than ruining Reki’s hoodie. “T’was nothing. Just dumb stuff. Nothing important.” Reki gave Langa’s back one last pat before pulling back, creating some distance between the two. His smile was bright, something so similar to the morning sun, warm and beautiful. This, this was a smile just for Langa. 

“If you say so, dude. But,” Reki rubbed his neck sheepishly, a grin to match, “I really should be heading home now. I was so worried for you, man, that I skipped dinner at my place.” 

“You can eat with us. There’ll be enough.”

Reki opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it as Langa placed his hand on Reki’s arm. It was selfish, sure, but he needed just a little more time with Reki. He needed just a little longer with Reki present, physically. 

“Please, Reki?” Everything was on autopilot; when had his fingers curled around Reki’s wrist? “Please, for all the times I’ve eaten at your place, please stay this one time?” 

Langa felt his insides squeeze at the words. It wasn’t the first time she teased him about his apparently not-so-subtle crush, but it didn’t mean it didn’t make him choke up at the mention. And the girl’s grin only made him want to shove her aside.

“Reki,” Langa turned the name in his mouth a few times, muttering it under his breath. It was weird, saying it in English. It felt… off. Kind of like when he was back in Canada and people would pronounce his name weird. “Reki,” he finally said, pronouncing it in Japanese as he was used to before switching back to English, “is busy today. Also, he’s not my boyfriend, Emmy.”

Emily hummed, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. “Yet. He’s not your boyfriend yet. Unless,” a glint of mischief flashed in her eyes as glanced at the boy, “you have another boyfriend and he’s just the side chick? Side dude? What’s the equivalent-?”

“I’m not in a relationship!” Langa finally snapped. It wasn’t like him to lose his cool – he didn’t care what people thought of him – but this was just too much. He wasn’t ready to have this conversation. Again. Once with his mother was more than enough. “Just drop it.”

Emily stuffed her hands in her pockets, turning on her heel to settle next to Langa. He was walking fast, probably too fast for his cousin – she was practically jogging next to him – but he couldn’t be bothered. He hadn’t been thrilled about having to show her around.

Years ago, they had been best friends. They would spend their summers together at their grandparents while their parents worked. For 10 years, Langa had spent day after day under the B-C summer sun with the girl. But then she turned 12 and didn’t want to be babysat by her grandparents. That first summer had been weird. She had spent most of her summer with him and their grandparents, but it wasn’t every day. She didn’t want to play with him as much. She had more ballet recitals, she had friends outside of Langa, she had… a life outside the family. And by the summer Langa turned 11, he was alone. No matter how much his grandparents spoiled him, encouraged him to go make friends at the park, invite friends over to play, he couldn’t bring himself to make new friends. Making friends, talking to people, it was… scary.

“Could you slow down, you giant twig!”

“Huh?”

Emily was huffing next to him, hands on her knees. Her cheeks were flushed as she panted.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a ballerina or something? Shouldn’t you… not be winded from walking?”

“A ballerina! Not an Olympic sprinter, you ass! You’re like 6’10! One step for you is like 6 of mine!”

“That’s not true. I’m not that tall. And one step of mine is,” he took a step, tugging the girl along, “is about one and a half of yours.”

“You…” she huffed, straightening herself out, “you never change. Just, slow down, won't you? Please?”

Langa gave her a curt nod, careful with his walking speed. His fast pace never bothered Reki, so he just got used to going fast. And on their skateboards, well, they would fly.

“You thinking of your boyfriend again?” Emily teased, grinning at Langa.

“I said drop it.”

“Fine!” She rested her hands on the top of her hair, eyes closing as she soaked up the summer sun. “Not like your love life would be interesting. You’re too useless to give me any juicy gossip.”

Emily’s brown eyes fluttered back open as Langa grabbed her arm, bringing her to a halt. A street. And knowing how reckless she was – just as reckless as Langa was, must run in the family – Langa knew that she would have walked right into traffic, eyes closed. It was a miracle that she hadn’t been hit by a car yet.

“Hey, Langa?”

“What?”

Her finger curled around one of his blue locks, inspecting it. “You still dye your hair?”

“Well…” The answer was obvious. There was no way his color was natural. No one thought it was natural, and not just because his light brown roots were starting to show. “No. This is all natural. I cried one night until my fairy godmother showed up and I wished for my hair to be naturally light blue.”

Emily tugged on the lock, causing Langa to yelp. “Asshole! I was seven! Not my fault I thought fairy godmothers were real! And you’re gonna kill your hair like this! You’re supposed to let it breathe every once in a while!”

Langa passed a hand through his hair, smoothing it out. “Not like I bleach it. Just color. It’ll be fine. Also,” he poked Emily’s cheek, causing her to huff, “you’re to blame. You started this.”

“You’d think after three years you’d grow out of the color. No 15 year old’s decision is ever good.”

“You were 17 when you did this to me. I was just stupid enough to agree to let you touch my hair.”

Both laughed together, remember the scene. It was Christmas, at their grandparents, as usual. The adults were gathered together, chatting, mostly in Japanese. And while Langa actually understood and spoke the language, Emily had fallen out of the habit of speaking it, losing most of it. Which meant she spent most of their family gatherings alone in a corner, not participating in any conversations. Langa spent time with her, sure, but it got awkward at times. They didn’t have similar interests, after all. Snowboarding and ballet just did not go together.

Still, Langa tried his best to connect with his cousin. They had been close as kids, after all.

Emily had been in her corner, as usual, scrolling through her phone. Peering over her shoulder, Langa noticed that she was looking up hair tutorials. Dying, styling, cutting, reel after reel. So he tried to connect with her over that, despite knowing absolutely nothing about hair. All he knew was that he was in dying need of a haircut – or at least, that’s what his grandmother said as she pulled on one of his locks.

“You looking into doing something to your hair?”

Emily looked up at her cousin who was leaning over her shoulder. “Oh, well… not really? I just, I’d like to, but with my recitals and all, I can’t have crazy hair. So I just, I like looking at videos. It’s enough.”

“Want to do something to mine?”

Langa had never seen her eyes light up in that manner. And just like that, she was jumping to her feet, tugging him along towards the front door.

“The pharmacy is open, so we can get you a color you like! Like… Like, blue! You like blue, right? Or maybe red? Or green! No… No, blue would suit you best, with your eyes and all.”

And just like that, Langa was pulling on his boots and coat, sneaking out of the house and letting himself be pulled along to the closest pharmacy, letting Emily pick out a color that she insisted was his color. And once they got back home, they settled on the floor of the bathroom, getting to work.

It had been a mess. Langa’s white button-down had been stained in the process, Emily's fingers looking like she had killed a Smurf, but it had been fun. The most fun they had had since they were kids. It was worth the gasps and yells during Christmas dinner. It had been worth the pinching and scolding. It had been so worth it that, three years later, Langa was still dying his hair on a regular basis, keeping it the same shade of blue that Emily had picked out on that Christmas day.

“Man, I remember being grounded for a month for that. Grandma never forgave me for ruining her precious little Langa. She still brings it up when I see her. I think she’d really appreciate if you grew back into your natural color. I mean,” Emily stretched her arms over her head once again, resting her hands on her head as she had the habit of doing, “she keeps going on and on about how you’re now an adult and you’re never going to find a wife looking like,” she gestured at Langa, “that.”

“But I don’t want a wife. She knows this! I mean, she does know, right? I know she’s not all that cool with it, but she is aware that I’m not…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I think the whole country is aware that you’re the most useless homosexual ever. Remember that one amateur competition where you blurted out that you were 14 and gay? Man, poor guy didn’t know what to say to you after that.”

“I got nervous! And I, it was new to me! The whole,” Langa dropped his voice, “the whole gay thing.”

The quietness of Langa’s voice drew Emily’s attention back to him. His eyes had shifted away from the girl, staring straight at a tree. It was… his sexuality was weird. He wasn’t ashamed about it. Not at all. He embraced the fact that he was a gay man and he wasn’t going to take anyone’s shit. Not even his grandmother’s who insisted that he would some day find a beautiful wife. But still, it was weird to him.

Back in Canada, it was easy to be out. Sexualities were constantly on display, be it from pin on backpacks, or bracelets, or color-coded accessories representing certain flags. Liking boys or girls had never been a problem back in school. People were open to it. But here? Langa didn’t know. He was the new kid. He was in a new country. A new environment. He didn’t know how people would take it. So he had taken off his pins from his backpack. He had stowed away his string bracelet. He didn’t display himself in the way he had back in Canada. Here, he was just Langa. Supposedly straight Langa that got confessions every other week and turned them all down. None of the girls seemed to get the hint that he just… wasn’t into them.

Langa hadn’t noticed that Emily had tugged him to a quiet spot under a tree. It wasn’t until he pulled down rather forcefully, stumbling in the grass, that he noticed her cross-legged, leaning back onto her hands. She was flushed from the heat, her cheeks having probably already burned.

“You know, sunscreen is going to be your best friend this summer. I suggest you get used to bringing some everywhere you go and putting some on in the morning before leaving.”

“Is that why you’re so pale? You should tan. Stop looking like a snow monster.”

Langa sighed again as he got comfortable on the ground. “You know I don’t tan. I just burn.”

“Sucks to be you! But,” she leaned closer to him, pulling her knees to her chest, “are you out here? Like, do people know? Does that boy, what’s his name? That red-head there, does he know?”

Langa’s silence was enough of an answer for her.

“You should have told me! I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t have teased you about him, at least not in front of him. Would have kept that for when only Auntie Nanako is around. I just… You’ve never hidden it. At least, not lately. Your last board was literally just the gay flag colors, for crying out loud! But like, I get it. New start and all that. Don’t need to make your sexuality your whole personality.”

“I don’t make it my whole personality.”

“‘Hi, I’m Langa and I’m gay,’” Emily teased, causing Langa to flush. “But like, I’d think you’d at least tell your friends. Especially your best friend slash crush.”

“Not my crush,” Langa snapped, eyes narrowing onto the girl.

“Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you say. But you’re never gonna have a shot with him if you keep that part of you a secret.”

“It’s not like I’m purposefully withholding the information. Just, it never came up. And he likes girls. So, either way, no chance.”

“You ever thought about, I don’t know, bisexuality?” Emily grabbed his shoulders, shaking him a little. “Langa, my man, my favorite cousin, have you not seen the way he looks at you? He looks at you like you’re the sun!”

“So he squints at me? Also, I’m your only cousin.”

“No! And besides the point! I just, I’ve never seen a kid smile so big. It’s almost blinding! He just- Ugh, I don’t know! But if you stopped being Mr. Ice Cold, maybe you’d have a shot!”

“Look,” Langa wrapped an arm around himself, staring at the grass with which he had been fiddling with, “I’m okay with just being friends. At least I get to have him in my life. I don’t need to date him or whatever. Relationships are overrated anyway.”

“You sound like- Never mind. You’re useless, you know that? At least answer me this: you like him, right?”

“Well, maybe? I guess? Yeah?”

“You’d kiss his adorable like puppy dog face?”

Langa had never felt himself flush so deeply. It was worse than the conversation he had had with his mother all those months ago. He came to terms with the fact that he would never get to love Reki the way he wanted to. He had accepted that they would remain friends. Relationships were overrated. It was time to embrace and appreciate good old fashion platonic relationships. So why, why was the mental image of getting to kiss Reki’s forehead, his cheek, his nose, his mouth… why was Langa thinking about that now? Why was it making him nervous?

“Langa has a crush,” Emily chanted teasingly, poking at his arm. “Langa has a big fat crush on his best friend!”

“What are you? Four?” he muttered, burying his face in his knees.

“20, but that’s beside the point. You have a whole summer of enduring me, so get used to it.”

Langa groaned as Emily flopped back into the grass, staring up at the sky. Silence enveloped the two, which was weird. As quiet as Langa normally was, Emily was his polar opposite. Extroverted and loud, constantly talking. A bit like Reki, really. Maybe, maybe that was why he never minded when Reki would go on and on about skating, or his boards, or his art, or whatever it was that he was rambling about. Langa was used to it. Langa was used to listening to his favorite people talk and talk and talk while he just listened, soaking up all the words. He liked listening. He liked… hearing people talk about whatever it was they were passionate about.

“You know,” Emily said, still laying on the grass, “I always assumed you’d find a boyfriend before me. And that you’d be married before me. You’re such a people pleaser that it was only a matter of time before you find a guy you’re head over heels for and you’d run off to get married together or whatever. Or at least, that’s what I thought from all of Grandma’s idolization of you. You’re her only grandson, after all. You’re legit perfect in her eyes. You speak Japanese fluently, you’re polite, you have good grades. You could have gone pro, been an Olympic athlete. And now you’re here, back in Japan! Back to your roots!”

“You know none of that is true, right? I barely interact with people, and I’m only polite because I don’t like people and being polite means I don’t actually have to talk too much and just repeat the same things over and over again. She only likes me because I’m a boy, which sucks. I hold the family name which she wants me to pass down. Between the two of us, she should be favoring you.”

Emily hummed. She made no sign of arguing or agreeing, which prompted Langa to continue.

“You’ve always been the one to help her. You helped her make lunch when we were kids, you used to hang around her, have tea with her, have actual conversations with her. You always tried so hard to please her. She’s just… She tough on you. And I’m not… I’m not gonna run off with some guy and get eloped. I don’t even think I’m going to get married. You on the other hand? You always dreamed of a big wedding. The whole family would be there. And you’d have that stupid big dress you’ve dreamed of since you were a kid. It would be the biggest party of the decade! Maybe of the century even.”

“I,” Emily choked, rubbing at her eyes, “stupid kid’s dream. I’m over it. I rather be planning your wedding with the cute boy you like.”

For once, Langa just scoffed. There was no getting that off his cousin’s mind. And honestly, it was nice being able to talk to someone about it. Especially in a language that felt like a secret, a language only they understood.

“Fine. Indulge me with this hypothetical wedding. Since you know, I’m no good with the big romantic gestures and traditions and all. How would you plan my hypothetical wedding?”

“White and red. And royal blue to tie it all together. I don’t know anything about traditional Japanese weddings, so we’re going western with this one. You’d definitely have a white suit, because you look good in white.” She sat up, running her fingers through his hair to pull it back. “We’d have to tie your hair back if you don’t constantly want it in your face. Unless you have the intention of cutting it by then. And your hypothetical husband-to-be, Reki was his name?” Langa flushed at the name, giving his cousin a curt nod. “Yeah, he’d be in a black suit because contrasts. I’d force you to have flowers somewhere, just because I know it would piss you off.”

“Thanks. Real sweet of you.”

“And… what do people need for weddings?”

“A venue?”

“Yes! Oh… Actually, I don’t know where you’d get married. Not like you can get married in a skatepark or anything.”

Langa snorted at the mental image. A wedding in a skatepark. A wedding at S. A midnight wedding down in the abandoned mine, all his friends and close family gathered. He wondered if they would be dressed nice or if they would be in their S clothes. This hypothetical wedding sounded ridiculous. Marrying Reki sounded ridiculous.

“Okay, okay, enough about hypothetical weddings. Not like it would happen. Don’t get my hopes up.”

“You really should tell him how you feel. It’ll bite you in the ass someday if you bottle it all up. And like, if he doesn’t take it well, you can tell him it was a dare or something. Or be honest and tell him that telling him how you feel is the only way you could move on from it. Sure, your friendship might be a little weird for a couple of days, but if he really is your best friend, then it should be fine. And you can rant to me if you happen to get hurt. I’m here all summer, after all.”

“You are the worst.” A fond smile pulled at Langa’s mouth as he opened his arms for a hug. Emily fell right into his embrace, hooking her chin over his shoulder. “The worst cousin ever. The pushiest brat.”

It was a miracle Oka still gave him shared shifts with Reki. It didn’t take a genius to know that employing two best friends was not the ideal recipe for productivity, but maybe the man knew how lonely it could get in the shop. Maybe that was why he let the boys keep each other company during their long shifts. And that was what they did; even if they silently did their own separate thing, at least they had each other. As long as they were together, everything would be okay. As long as they had one another, the day wouldn’t feel eternal. And sometimes, a calm and silent afternoon was exactly what they needed. 

Langa groaned as he leaned back against the counter, tipping his head back in annoyance. He had tried, he had really tried to get a head start on his summer schoolwork. He had really tried to power through his assigned readings as fast of possible. He had tried to get it over with as soon as possible, but that determination was too good to be true. When it came to actually doing it, it proved itself much harder than anticipated. And Langa hadn’t been proud to admit that his reading skills could almost rival his handwriting. 

“I don’t get it.” His eyes fell shut as another sign fell from his lips. “Why do we need literature? What’s the use of old books no one cares about? Even in English, I sucked at it. I just…” The world reappeared before him, brighter than he remembered it to be just a few seconds ago. “I don’t get it! And I just don’t care!” 

A pen was clicked a few times as Reki hummed to himself. He must have been sketching in the margins of his notebook instead of doing the math problems he had said he would be doing. He had to have been; the pen strokes were far too methodical and repetitive to be that of writing. 

“I don’t know, man. Something about culture and it’s important we know about our past.” A smile broke across Langa’s face as he peeked out from under the counter just as Reki surrounded the last part of his statement with air quotes. “But I can help you if you want. But in exchange,” red hair fell to the side as Reki leaned over to get a better view of Langa, “you gotta explain to me our next English project. ‘Cause like, that man talks way too fast for me to catch a single thing he says. I’m pretty sure I understand those American sitcoms better than him, and I never know what’s happening in those.” 

Langa chuckled as he agreed on their deal. Reki would be helped with some English homework and Langa wouldn’t fail yet another written assignment; this friendship definitely had its perks beyond the whole having a friend thing. And it wasn’t even like Reki was exaggerating about their English teacher; the man really did speak way too fast. It also did not help that he had the heaviest accent Langa had ever come across, occasionally slurring his words and making it hard for even Langa to perfectly understand what was being said. But at least he had the advantage of being completely fluent, even if his grades didn’t always reflect that, which meant he could rely on the instruction sheet rather than the verbal expectations. 

Silence reigned once more in the little shop, both boys having returned to their individual activities. Quiet, methodical pen strokes echoed against the walls; the sound of rustling pages made its place in the song being composed in the little skateboard shop. It was quiet and relaxing, peaceful even. 

Langa had come to appreciate watching Reki work his crafts, be it doodling in the margins of his notebooks or his repetitive shaving of a board. Whether he knew it or not, he made the funniest faces as he concentrated on his work. Sometimes he would furrow his brow, leaning closer to the paper before straightening out to continue adding endless details to his drawing. Other times, he would stick his tongue out as if that was what helped keep focus on his work. And once he completed something he was particularly proud of, his eyes would glow with pride as he held his piece up to the light. That was the face Langa liked the most; it was the face of someone who was proud of themselves, and Reki deserved most of all to be proud of himself. He deserved to be proud of himself, to see himself the way Langa saw him. None of that frustration that would often overcome him as he would huff and rip the page out of his sketchbook or notebook. No more crumpling and tossing of masterpieces he simply could not see. If it were up to Langa, none of that would ever happen again, but for now, he would content himself in collecting Reki’s trashed art. Even if they weren’t up to Reki’s standards, they would always be works of art to Langa. 

Langa loved watching Reki draw. It was quiet and tranquil, a moment where Reki wasn’t bouncing around, talking with his hands, words stumbling over themselves as he went on and on. And as much as Langa loved Reki’s endless energy, he also deeply appreciated the calm moments they would share. But as with everything else, good moments must come to an end, the door chiming as a customer walked in. 

“Welcome to Dope— Oh, hey Emily!”

Langa perked up at the name. Emily? Why was she here of all places? Langa had purposely avoided telling her where he worked in hopes of getting away from her. Dope Sketch had been the only place Langa could go to escape the teasing remarks and those eyes that stared straight into his soul. It was the one place where he felt safe from her badgering questions about his oh-so-obvious crush on Reki. Work had somehow become his little slice of quiet heaven, and now that bubble had burst. Now, she had found him and his hiding spot. 

Reluctantly, Langa pushed himself off the ground only to smash his head against the counter and crash back down. He held the top of his head as she let out a whiney cry of pain. 

“Dude! Langa!” Amber eyes fell onto him, eyes filled with worry and shock. “What’s up with you and hitting your head lately?”

If Langa had known the answer, he would have told Reki. Or maybe he wouldn’t have. Maybe it was all those distractions, distractions disguised as the people hovering around him. Maybe it was Reki and just how absolutely distracting he was, be it while he would sketch, his face will with concentration, or when he would kneel next to Langa, his beautiful eyes still wide and filled with worry.

Between Reki and Langa, there was no doubt that Reki was the more accident-prone one. He was the one constantly sporting bandages for his sprained ankles and wrists. He was the one scraping his knees after wiping out from trying another new trick he had found on the Internet. He was always the one laughing as he fell on his ass, his board flying from under his feet. Reki was so much more the accident-prone one, at least when it came to skating. When it came to their daily lives, Langa was starting to believe he was the clumsy one, if the last two weeks were any indication. He was the one tripping over his untied shoelaces, eating pavement as Reki choked on his laughter. He was the one splitting his eyebrow open on a window frame in the dead of the night. He was the one smashing his head against the counter instead of greeting his cousin.

“Is he… Is he alright?”

Emily’s head poked from above the counter, her hair a curtain for the nook under the counter. She must have climbed onto the counter to see what mishap was happening away from her prying eyes. And given the frown that pulled at the corners of her mouth, she mustn’t have been proud of clumsy Langa.

A flood of memories washed through Langa at the sight. It wasn’t the first time she had looked down at him like this. Somewhere, somewhere long lost to the fog of memory, this exact situation had happened. But somewhere in those memories, there had also been smiles. A flash of a faceless childish grin. A flash of a girl hanging above his head. A flash of blond hair blocking the sun. Some distant chatter. A storybook. A treehouse. Grass. Laughter. Summer.

Reki pulled Langa from the floor, pulling him out of his impromptus trip down memory lane. He looped his arm around Langa’s waist, holding him tightly as if he were afraid that Langa would drop back down to the ground as soon as he would let go of him. Or maybe Reki feared that Langa had concussed himself; thankfully, that had yet to happen. A miracle, really. 

Langa let himself be guided towards the stool Reki had been using earlier. He let his body crash against the wood as soon as he felt it brush against his thighs. If Reki was asking him to sit, then Langa could not refuse. He could never refuse Reki, no matter what it was he was asking. He had learned that the hard way, and there was no way he was going through those torturous days without Reki ever again. No way, especially not when Reki was this close, squeezing his way between Langa’s knees, his rough yet soft fingers holding onto Langa’s burning cheeks. Especially not when he was letting Langa hold on to his waist as he steadied himself onto the stool. Because obviously he needed something to steady himself; otherwise, he would have risked falling again. And he couldn’t fall again. Or was it too late for that? 

Reki was so close. So fucking close. Langa could practically count the freckles scattered across his nose, his cheeks, his forehead, his ears… He could almost count every short lash of Reki’s. And he was talking so softly to Langa. His voice was just so mesmerizing, so magical. 

“How’s your vision? Do things look blurry?”

“Not more than usual.” A frown pulled at the corners of Reki’s mouth; so much for cracking a joke to lighten the mood. “My vision is fine if that’s what you’re asking. I see just fine. It was an accident; didn’t think I was that far under the counter.” 

 “And your head? Does it hurt? Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel like—!”

Now, had this been some teen summer romance blockbuster, then maybe Langa would have quieted Reki with a spontaneous kiss. And maybe that would have been the beginning of the best summer of Langa’s life. But Langa was no movie protagonist and, while he was gutsy, he wasn’t that impulsive. So instead, he simply tightened his grip on Reki’s waist, interrupting the boy’s panicked questions. 

“I’m fine, Reki. I barely bumped my head against the counter. I’ve dealt with far worse in the past and I’ve survived every one of those blows.” 

“You smashed your head against my window frame the other day! I don’t know dude, but that’s kinda worrying! You could be concussed or something! Like, it’s not normal or good for you to constantly be hitting your head! You’re,” Reki’s voice dropped, his eyes finding Langa’s, “you’re not lying to me, are you?”

Reki had never made it easier to smile. “I’m fine, I swear. And I’m not lying to you, I promise.”

Reki huffed as Langa held up his pinkie finger. A light chuckle fell from his lips as his hold on Langa fell away before returning, his own finger curled around Langa’s. A promise had been formed and sealed, a promise that could no longer be broken, at least according to the rules of pinkie promises. But that touch didn’t linger, Reki finally backing away from between Langa’s legs. 

“I’m getting you some water and you better not have moved when I get back, you hear me?” 

Langa scoffed but still gave Reki a curt nod. There was no point in arguing with Reki; if he had to tape Langa down to the chair to keep him from getting up and wandering around, then he wouldn’t hesitate to do so. So Langa knew better than to try to argue. He simply watched the boy dash to the backroom where their bags were stashed. 

It never took much for Langa to look absolutely smitten. All he needed was a door swinging shut behind Reki, leaving Langa hidden from judgement. All it took was that adorably serious expression on Reki’s face as he ran off. All it required was for Reki to be, well, Reki. Everything about Reki was enough to leave Langa floating, because Reki was adorable. Seriously, absolutely adorable. 

“He sure it touchy with you.” 

Langa jumped at the sound of the voice, having forgotten about the girl standing by him. She had since gotten off the counter, but still, she leaned over it, eyes also glued to the door. The English almost sounded strange, like a foreign dialect taking over a safe space. Emily’s presence felt wrong, as if she had no business being here, next to him. Her presence left Langa annoyed once more, the feeling tugging on his insides. Work had always been one of the places where it truly was just him and Reki. Sure, sometimes Manager Oka would pop in, but most of the time, it was just Reki and Langa. Most of the time, it was a space for just them, somewhere where no one could burst their little bubble.

Dope Sketch was one of the few places where Langa didn’t feel self-conscious every time he snuck a glance at Reki. It was the only place where he knew he wouldn’t be caught by anyone. It was the only place where he felt he could be so unapologetically himself, knee-deep in his feelings without the fear that someone would bring it up, tease him about, or worst of all, call him out on his dumb crush. Here, at work, it was a land that belongs to only Reki and Langa. 

“He’s just treating me the same way he treats his sisters when they get hurt.” Langa’s tone was sharp and dry, leaving little room for a retort from the queen of annoying. “Probably just his brotherly instincts kicking in or whatever. It comes naturally to him to be caring, y’know?” 

“Uh-huh, sure.” Emily clicked her tongue as she climbed back onto the counter to sit cross-legged on top of it. “You keep telling yourself that, Lover Boy.” 

Langa had gotten his fair share of nicknames over the course of his life. He had gotten used to being called a variety of names by the people surrounding him. Reki often teased him by calling him Prince Langa, a name which made no sense to Langa given that he was the furthest thing from a prince. His mother still called him her little man or her baby, which, the more Langa thought about it, were hilarious things to be called. And Emily had gotten into the habit of calling him whatever passed through that thick skull of hers, though she did tend to favor the twig insult. There had been so many names that had shaped Langa, but Lover Boy had never been one of them. Lover Boy was… it wasn’t Langa. It was a name for someone with confidence, someone who was a smooth talker, things that were definitely not Langa when it came to people. Those were things that left Langa’s inside squirming with discomfort. It was a name he wanted to run from, and the best way to do that was by completely changing the subject before Emily could ever bring it up again. 

“Hey, Emmy? Did we have a treehouse as kids?” 

Emily scrunched her nose as she turned towards Langa. Her brow was pinched, looking strangely at her cousin. “Yeah? Grandpa built it when I was 10, but had to take it down that same summer for some unknown reason, don’t you remember?” 

Langa shook his head with a shrug. 

“We spent nearly the entire summer in that tree. But why bring that up now? That’s so random.” 

Langa shrugged once more. He wanted to change subjects and had had a flashback right after hitting his head. It was random, but that was the thing with foggy memories: they reappeared at the strangest of moments. 

“Seeing you looking down on me reminded me of that summer, but I wasn’t sure if it was a real memory or just my brain making things up. It’s just… It’s all a little haze, like every summer memory overlaps. I can’t really tell what happened and when, except the really big events that often got us in shit. Like that one time everyone thought I broke my arm after I fell from a tree? The first time we were allowed to go to the park alone and got home like an hour after the set time? Or that time we accidentally splashed paint on Grandma’s carpet?” 

“Oh man! She was so pissed at us! The stain is still there, you know? Almost faded, but you can still see it if you know where to look. And like, I was so sure she was going to rip our heads off that day.” 

“Yeah, she was not happy about that one. But the treehouse…” Langa leaned back on the stool, careful to not tip over and crash once again. “The memory feels fake. It’s like I had made it up to give myself some resemblance of a real childhood.”

“But you did have a real childhood, Langa. Sure, it was maybe a little unconventional with all your snowboarding training and competitions, maybe a bit of a gifted kid childhood, but you did still have a childhood. Your parents still took you out to the park when you were a kid and weren’t such an antisocial mess.” Emily stuck her tongue out at Langa’s pointed glare, grinning at the low blow. “But for real though, you had a pretty normal childhood otherwise. Like your parents used to push you on the swings for hours on end when you were a baby. Apparently, you like those things so damn much that the only time you would cry was when someone took you out of your swing.”

Langa slumped down on his stool, ducking his head in embarrassment. The swings were one of those vague baby memories he still had. He had forgotten the whole of it, but he did remember the wind in his face and how much liked it. Still likes it, actually. That had maybe played a big part in why he had gotten into snowboarding in the first place. Maybe that was why he still loved skateboarding so much. All Langa wanted was to be able to fly.

“We spent summer after summer together, playing in the basement and outside and all around the grandparents’ house. And you even throw the biggest temper tantrum ever in the supermarket because your mom didn’t get you the cookies you wanted.” 

“I did not do that.”

Emily snorted at Langa’s defensiveness. “Uh, yes you did. Auntie Nanako even has the pictures to prove it and she showed them tome. Something about despite not being pleased with her yelling child, she needed physical proof of you being a total brat out in public so that if ever you have kids and want to kill them for screaming in a public place, then she’d show you that you were no better despite being the quietest, shyest kid ever. Something about every kid throwing a temper tantrum at the most inconvenient of times. And then you’d just have to deal with it and understand your kid’s point of view of some shit like that?” 

Langa bit the insides of his cheeks, not quite wanting to believe the story. His mother had always insisted that he had been an exceptionally easy child, though a little worryingly emotionless. He would rarely argue or cry, so the possibility that he had been an absolute monster in the middle of a supermarket because of a box of cookies, it felt wrong. It felt impossible. Out of character. Fabricated, especially since Langa didn’t like cookies that much. 

“But it’s not because you weren’t part of the popular group at school or that you didn’t hang out with the other kids at the park after class that you lack a childhood. Childhood is… It’s a lot of things. Like trying to teach you how to do ballet. Or watching movies during lunchtime. Or playing video games in a basement.” 

“I think you mean repeatedly hitting me with a Wii remote because I somehow managed to beat your high score on Just Dance.”

“You weren’t even trying!” 

Langa chuckled at the girl’s outburst. “Just have to learn the mechanics of the game to win. You don’t actually have to be good at dancing. Or dance at all.” 

“You…”

Emily huffed, but it wasn’t long before her frown broke into a grin. Laughter spilled from her lips as Langa swatted her hand away, dodging her attempt at a hair ruffle. Because even if they were going down memory lane, Langa sure as hell was not letting her treat him like he was 5 years old again. 

“I know you feel like you’re a big weirdo and you didn’t have a childhood since your past doesn’t look like some American Walmart Thanksgiving commercial, but I can guarantee you had one. And a damn good one, for that matter! And you also definitely made mine a whole lot more memorable and fun. Like, I don’t know what I would have done without my little baby cousin to play with all summer long. Most probably would have turned out a whole lot worse than I have had you not been there to entertain me and keep me in check.”

Despite Emily’s teasing tone, it was her sentimentality that really stood out to Langa. And he never knew what to do with that. He didn’t know how to respond to the girl who always seemed so energetic, always so ready for the future. She wasn’t one to reminisce, tripping over memories from the past. Or at least, that was how Langa had always perceived her; that wasn’t the Emily he knew. To him, she was someone who lived to tease and annoy him, wholeheartedly. She wasn’t one to smile as softly as she was now, a light mist covering her eyes as the ancient years rolled by like a silent film. Those brown eyes, they were made to shine from mischief and scheming, not from the threat of tears. 

For the first time in what felt like forever, Langa felt something in his chest. His heart? Was it beating? If it was, it sure wasn’t the same heartbeat as when he was around Reki. It also wasn’t the same heartbeat that would race as he would slide through the world on a board. No, this time, it was going slower, feeling calmer. It beat with such a different feeling that Langa could not name it. It wasn’t excitement; it wasn’t anticipation. Was it perhaps nostalgia? Safety? Was it remembering what it was like to be a little kid, scrapping his knee as they played soccer against the garage door? Was it finding his first best friend, the person who had once been so important to him? It wasn’t anything like being with Reki, exciting and energetic and new, but still, it was nice. It felt like forgetting the distance that had estranged him from the girl who had been his only friend for so many years.

“Em,” Langa felt himself choke up, but he had to say something. He couldn’t remain silent. He couldn’t let the moment die. He couldn’t leave things unsaid, things he’d later have to bury deep within himself because it would be too late. He couldn’t let this moment pass, let the words fester until there would be no one to say them to anymore. “You also—!”

“Sorry it took so long! I just couldn’t find my water bottle anywhere, but I finally found it!”

Reki’s head poked out from behind the door as he held the bottle in the air. Almost like magic, all signs of tears vanished from Emily’s face. She perked up, a grin lighting up her face. And with such a grin came the dawning realization that all hell was about to break loose, the girl leaning dangerously close to Reki. 

“You should feed it to him.” 

Never had Langa felt so mortified in his life. He didn’t even dare look at Reki; his eyes remained on Emily who was now giggling hysterically to herself as she kicked her feet in the air like a child. For the first time since landing in Japan, she didn’t stumble on her Japanese words. They came as naturally as if they had been English. There had been no hesitancy whatsoever, which only made it worse for Langa and his stupidly burning cheeks. No need for a mirror to guess the color of his face; the blossoming heat was the only indicator he needed. 

“You feeling sick, man? If you need anything else, you’d tell me, right? If you’re not feeling well, you can go home. I’ll tell Oka what happened, don’t worry about it! I promise he’ll understand and I’m totally capable to working alone! You don’t have to worry about me at all!” 

Emily may not have hesitated, but bless her word for word translation passing over Reki’s head. And bless his not asking what she meant; explaining would have been far too awkward. Otherwise, there would have been more hesitancy in Langa’s grabbing of the water bottle before chugging down half of its contents. 

“I’m fine, Reki. Really. You have to stop worrying so much about me. And Emmy’s just being a bitch who thinks I can’t do anything on my own.” 

“Not my fault you were a mega crybaby back when you were a kid.” The shrug was just for show, but the twinkle in her eye was the real jab. “Took you forever to figure out chopsticks, I was convinced the grandmother was going to have to feed you until the day you die.” 

“Wait, but if I remember correctly, weren’t you the family’s crybaby? Because I’m pretty sure I saw you sobbed uncontrollably that time your pink spoon was dirty and you were forced to eat with a purple one.”

“I—!"

“I can’t imagine either one of you crying.” Reki’s voice cut through the argument, both turning towards the boy. He was glancing away, refusing to meet either of their gazes. “You guys are both just so… not like me.” 

The forced, bitter laughter that fell from Reki’s mouth broke Langa’s heart. Crying had always been a sensitive topic for Reki. He had never liked how easily his emotions could get the best of him. He hated how easily tears formed at the corners of his eyes. Just the idea of crying left him insecure, feeling like less than those around him. And Langa, well, he hated how Reki felt obligated to bottle up his feelings, not wanting to let others see his sadness or distress out of fear of being seen as less.

Langa remembered the first time he had seen Reki cry. It had been a hard time for both of them. It had been hard on Reki who had been holding back his tears until the dam broke free, a flood of tears pouring from his usually bright amber eyes. All his sadness, all his stress, all his insecurities had been let out, a ticking timebomb that exploded at the worst possible moment. And it had been hard on Langa who hadn’t known what to do. He didn’t know how to comfort Reki. He didn’t know what to say to him either. He didn’t know how to deal with everything that was happening so quickly, all around him. 

Since then, Langa made sure to remind Reki that crying wasn’t a bad thing. There was no reason for him to be ashamed of the tears. They weren’t a weakness. They weren’t a character flaw. It didn’t matter what other said or did or how they looked at him. None of it mattered; all that mattered was that Reki knew that crying was natural. All that mattered was that he didn’t find himself hating himself more for letting it all out. 

“Someone willing to let others see them cry is the bravest and strongest kind of person out there,” Langa had once said when Reki looked like he was holding back tears. “Not only are they honest with themselves, but they’re also not afraid to let others know how they’re feeling. There’s no point in hiding when you’re hurt.” 

It wasn’t every day Langa knew what to say, but in that moment, he remembered his mother’s words. They had been said to him when he was at his lowest, but still, he hadn’t taken them to heart. Still, he hadn’t let himself cry. But thankfully, Reki had listened. Thankfully, Reki had let it all out, weeping into Langa’s shoulder, hiccupping muffled words into a soaked t-shirt until he passed out from sheer exhaustion.

Reki didn’t need to be like Langa. He didn’t have to put up some emotionless person. He didn’t need to be ice cold like Langa. He didn’t need to look like he was ready to fight whoever got in his way or brush off everything anyone said. He didn’t need tears to be foreign to him. 

Reki, he was allowed to be emotional. He was allowed to be messy with his feelings. He was allowed to care about everyone around him and he was allowed to feel something about what as being said about him. He was allowed to cry his frustrations out if that was what helped him because Langa would be there. Langa would always be there. He would always be a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold if Reki so wanted. 

Emily’s fingers curled around Reki’s forearm, leaning in closer than strictly necessary. “Don’t cry! I was kidding, you know! Langa is more than capable of taking care of himself! See? He can drink all on his own!” Her fingers dug into Reki’s skin, nearly breaking it as she gestured frantically at Langa with her other hand. “See? He’s a big boy! Totally capable of using his weird lanky body all on his own!”

Had it not been for the far more natural and pretty laughter that bubbled out of Reki, Langa would have hit his cousin upside the head. Or thrown the water bottle at her. Really, anything to shut her up. But Reki was rubbing at his nose, a grin slowly making its way across his face once more. There he was, smiling and bright, just the way Langa like it. Because while Reki was allowed to cry, it didn’t mean Langa liked it. If he could have it his way, he would have kept Reki happy for the rest of eternity. If he could keep Reki laughing, then there was nothing Langa wasn’t willing to do for that. There was absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do to see that pretty smile blossom across Reki’s face. 

“So,” Reki straightened himself out as he fell back into his more cheerful and professional voice, “can I help you with anything? Looking for anything in particular?” 

Emily slid down from the counter, her eyes scanning the environment as she hummed. It was obvious she hadn’t come here for anything at all; all she knew of skateboarding was that they had wheels and Langa could go fast on his board. Other than that, she had never shown interest in the sport. 

“Not really?” Langa rolled his eyes at the girl’s words. “I mean, I was looking for something, but that was mostly company from you guys. I’m just so bored at the apartment with Auntie Nanako at work and Langa’s not there either and there’s just so much tv and doomscrolling a girl can do in a day.  So yeah, I was just bored and wanted to check out where you two spend your days.” 

Reki leaned against the counter, his eyes following Emily’s gaze and fingers. “That sucks. Can’t you visit around or something?” 

“Not fluent enough and definitely can’t read anything. I’d be lost in a matter of seconds.” 

Her fingers swept over rough boards and smooth helmets. The colors reflected against her skin, staining her momentarily as she moved across the little shop. She seemed so out of place here, surrounded by loud t-shirts and colors. but at the same time, Emily seemed at ease. She browsed as if she were in any other shop, her eyes flickering between the many pieces on display. There were no questions or disgust in her eyes; there was an understanding that this was just another sports shop.

“Well, you know how to skate?” 

Emily turned back to the boy and shook her head. So much was obvious; she didn’t have the scars that Langa had or the fearlessness. She was dainty and princess-like, the exact opposite of what a skateboarder should be. Or maybe she did have what it took to be a skateboarder. Maybe Langa was just afraid of the sudden direction of this conversation.

“I tried to do a bit of figure skating back in the day, but I highly doubt that’s the skating you’re referring to. I always had to be careful to keep my bones intact since, you know, dancing and all that.”

“I can teach you if you’d like. I promise I won’t let you get hurt. You got my hand to hold for as long as you need and want.”

Reki’s smile was… Emily’s laughter… Everything started to fade out. Everything but the ringing in Langa’s ears. Everything but the tightness in his chest. Everything but the twist in his gut. Everything but the choking sensation building up at the base of his throat. 

Everything was fading. Everything was buzzing. Everything was going to hell.

It was almost commendable how quickly Reki could switch between grins and that flush of embarrassment. He was so good at complimenting everyone around him, praising every little thing he admired, but the moment those compliments were pointed at him, he froze up. His face always turned that bright red as he denied any sort of praise directed at him; he shook his head as if shaking away the words presented to him.

“No, nope, no way. Can’t be cool, I lost. You, on the other hand…”

“Reki,” Langa settled on the edge of the bed, unable to peel his eyes away from Reki, “you’re so cool. It’s not about winning or losing—”

“I know, I know, it’s about having fun.”

Reki stuck his tongue out, annoyance coating his words as he called Langa a sap, but not once had Langa thought him serious. Despite his tone, his bright smile shone through, piercing the annoyance like sunshine breaks through rain clouds. Reki, he always had the ability to be the brightest person in the room, from the twinkle in his eyes to his wide grin; Reki, he was always so captivating. But before Langa could say anything more, insist once more that Reki was amazing, him with his countless talents, the boy was bouncing back onto his feet.

“You mind if I ditch you for a bit? I really need a shower; feel gross and all, y’know?”

Reki shifted his weight back and forth, his fingers pulling at the skin of his wrist. Sparkling amber eyes were decidedly pointed at his feet, his gaze flickering between his toes and whatever was scattered around his bedroom floor. His eyes were avoiding Langa, so much was obvious; Langa would have had to be a complete idiot to not notice it.

Compliments always made Reki feel awkward; Langa had started to note the sudden shift between Reki’s bubbliness and that awkwardness whenever dared say anything nice about him. Maybe he just didn’t know how to react, not yet accustomed to accepting compliments, always feeling the need to deny what was obviously there. Maybe. But regardless of the reason, that had to change. Langa was not going to allow Reki to deny every little wonderful thing that made him so wonderful; he wasn’t going to let Reki deflect every compliment Langa would shower him with. Things would have to change, but not quite yet. That was something to work on later.

“Go. You’re sweaty and gross and I know your mom hates having to wash your sweaty sheets. I’ll just…” Langa’s eyes scanned over the room; he wasn’t sure what he was looking for, so he settled his gaze back on Reki. “Can I take one after you?”

“Yeah, sure man!” A grin broke across Reki’s face, a smile Langa couldn’t help but mirror at the best of his abilities. “Just don’t drop my mom’s shampoo down the drain this time.”

Langa frowned, groaning at the memory. It had been an accident, and Reki knew that. The bottle had slipped from his hands and had spilled all over. He had tried to present the damage, he had tried scooping back up what had poured out of the container, but his effort had been in vain. Everything was going faster than he could react. And Langa had apologized; he had apologized at least a thousand times over, having even replaced the bottle of Mrs. Kyan’s shampoo with his own hard-earned money despite her assuring him it was fine. He had done everything in his power to fix his mistake, but Reki had it his own personal mission to remind Langa of the incident. A grin always broke across his face as he teased him about his butterfingers.

Langa shoved a snickering Reki out of his room. “Get out of here. Go take your stupid shower.”

And just like that, Reki was gone. Langa knew he wouldn’t be alone for very long, Reki always being quick to wash, unlike Langa, but that didn’t stop the room from suddenly seeming intimidating. And sure, he knew the room better than his own, knew it as well as the back of his hand, if not even better, but without Reki physically in it, everything seemed so strange. He was there; he was everywhere, from the posters on the walls to his clothing scattered on the ground, probably having been thrown at the hamper but missed, and yet, it was too quiet to be Reki. It was missing that loud energy that accompanied Reki wherever he went; everything felt too small to be Reki, Reki, who made everything feel so big. Or maybe it was just that Langa suddenly had all the freedom in the world; maybe it was just that he had free rein for a few minutes. That freedom was the most intimidating thing of all; Langa could do as he pleased without consequence.

A flash of yellow caught Langa’s eye. A yellow sleeve poked out from under the bed; mindlessly, Langa’s fingers curled around the soft fabric. His eyes fell shut as he pressed the hoodie to his chest and buried his face in the hood. A faded scent of orange mixed with what was undeniably Reki enveloped Langa as he sunk into the mattress once more; sweat, sunshine, his deodorant, his shampoo, it was all imprinted in the fabric. That hoodie, it was so undeniably Reki. That hoodie, it had the power to calm Langa, leaving him grounded and content. Paradise.

“Whatcha doing?”

A blush flared across Langa’s face as he pushed the hoodie into his lap and straightened his back. Reki stood in his doorway, a towel loosely hanging around his neck. His hair was damp, water trickling down his cheek, his jaw, his neck… Langa gulped; there was no way he was allowing himself to follow the path of those stray drops of water. There was absolutely no way.

“Langa?”

Sirens blared in Langa’s head as Reki grew closer, his eyebrow arched. A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth, a smile Langa knew far too well. It was that same smile Reki always wore, that smile coated with a hint of confusion or uncertainty. It was one of those smiles that left Langa’s stomach flipping as his eyes darted to his lap. What was he supposed to do when Reki was looking at him so intently?

“I’m…” Slowly, blue skies found the sun. “Checking if it’s clean?”

It wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement, but panic had mangled Langa’s voice. It had left him cringing at himself, at the way Reki was looking at him, at the sudden heaviness in the room and on his chest. He had sounded as guilty as he looked, as he felt, the hoodie half-buried between his thighs.

Reki, he had to know. He had to know what Langa was being weird. He had to have felt the awkwardness that coated Langa’s words. He had to know all of this; it had to be the reason he was getting closer. He had to be readying himself to take the hoodie away, readying the names he could throw Langa’s way before asking him to leave and never come back. He had thought Langa was weird, and this was going to be their downfall. Noticing that wretched hoodie under the bed was going to be the reason Langa would lose what meant the most to him.

Langa’s stomach dropped to his feet as fingers, then a palm, settled against his forehead, pushing his bangs away. His heart flipped in his chest as the movement followed its course, those calloused fingers sliding down to his cheek. Everything felt like it was suffocating him as Reki stared at him with a look Langa couldn’t quite decipher. Concern? Worry? What exactly was it that shone in those eyes?

“Dude, you’re burning up.” The suffocating summer air felt cold against Langa’s cheek as Reki pulled his hand back, though it quickly settled back in its spot against Langa’s skin. “You sure you’re alright? Y’know, sleep depravation can-!”

“I’m fine! I just—” Everything was moving on its own, Langa’s feet leading him to the door are his fingers shoved Reki’s hand away and curled around the hoodie, “I need a shower. That’s all.”

Everything sounded so far away as Langa pushed his way out of the room, making a beeline for the bathroom. Everything seemed to be buzzing between his ears as he marched ahead. Everything seemed like it was going to kill him. Everything that was Reki, at least.

Reki… He was going to kill Langa with all that touching and worrying and genuine kindness. He was being an amazing friend, better than anything Langa knew back in Canada. He was being the best friend Langa could ever ask for and he could not risk ruining that because his stupid heart wanted to jump out of his chest every time Reki dared look or smile at him. He could not risk ruining his friendship over a stupid little crush.

A hot shower was exactly what Langa needed. The scorching water was soothing against his aching muscles, leaving his skin red with a slight burning sensation. And perhaps a cold shower would have been better to cool down from the summer heat, to cool the fire that had pumped through his veins as sweat dripped down his forehead, to wash away the grim from his hair after a long night of skateboarding, but there was just something so comforting about the hot water. It was something Langa couldn’t quite explain to others. It just felt like… home. Home in Canada. Home in the snow. Home where he would wash away the freezing cold away under a scorching rain. Hot showers had always felt so nice to him. They had always been so relaxing to him. That was until the bathroom door was opened.

The yelp was involuntary, a natural reaction as Langa’s back slammed against the wall. Steam swirled around him as hot rain splattered against the tiles, concealing him from prying eyes, not that there was anyone searching for his body. An arm was all that was poked in, a pair of sweatpants waving around the small bathroom as Reki’s whispers echoes against the walls.

“Thought these would be more comfortable than your sweaty jeans.” The clothes were tossed into the sink with a worrying amount of accuracy, leaving Reki’s hand waving about. “Sorry for freaking out, man. Didn’t think you’d notice me or anything, and I didn’t want to interrupt you. And I swear I’m not looking!”

“Why…” Langa huffed as he grabbed his towel and shut the water off. His whispers echoed almost too loudly, annoyance dripping like the water down his neck. “Why didn’t you just knock?”

“Didn’t want to interrupt you? And like, you could’ve locked the door if you didn’t want to be bothered, so this is on you, dude. Just—” Reki’s arm disappeared behind the door, probably returning to his side, “hurry up and don’t break anything!”

And with that, the door was clicking behind Reki, leaving Langa alone once more.

Isolation had never suited Langa very well. It left him with his thoughts to spiral, a state of mind that always worried those around him. And if he was being totally honest, he never enjoyed being completely alone. It was scary not having a single person to turn to; it was scary seeing a vast world with no color to shine through. Loneliness had always been Langa’s darkest foe, at least everywhere other than the bathroom. There, he valued his privacy. There, he enjoyed not having any company. He didn’t need crowds cheering him on as he went on with his personal business. He didn’t need Reki talking to him through the door.

Light laughter bubbled out of Langa as he got dressed, hopping around as he pulled the pants on one leg at a time. The bathroom was a place for privacy anywhere but in the Kyan household. Here, family members burst through doors with little to no warning. Here, privacy was a privilege, not a right. Here, well, he had witnessed firsthand Reki’s mother walking into the bathroom to pick up some laundry as he brushed his teeth.

“Unless the door is locked,” Reki had once warned, “expect someone to walk in on you.”

And Reki had been right; he more often than not was right. Someone had walked in on Langa, someone who was none other than Reki. Someone had opened the door and tossed some clothes for Langa. Someone had handpicked soft jersey pants for Langa, pants that hung loosely around his hips and cuffed above his ankles.

These were probably the longest, and largest, pair of pants Reki owned. And looking at how strange the clothing looked against Langa’s pale skin, how everything, from the hoodie to the sweatpants, seemed so large on his small frame and narrow hips, Langa knew that these weren’t made for him. This outfit was made some someone with broader shoulders, someone with stronger thighs. This was made for someone whose strength was apparent to the naked eye, not someone built like a twig. These were clothes that would look wonderful on Reki, falling loosely around his body just the way he liked. This outfit was made for comfort, something Langa always found in Reki. This outfit was made for Reki, Reki who was soft and comfortable and…

Langa shook his head, hoping to shake the thought of Reki out of his mind. The last thing he needed right now was to think of Reki wearing this exact outfit, how beautiful he would look wearing this, as Langa made his way back to the bedroom. The last thing he needed was for his mind to be flooded with memories of Reki, of his smiles, as he lightly knocked on the door before sliding it open and slipping in soundlessly. The last thing he needed was to be distracted as he was faced with Reki already pressed deep into his mattress, his pretty face illuminated by a screen as the rest of the room was plunged into darkness.

The bed curved under Langa’s weight as he took a seat at the edge, his eyes never leaving Reki. A snort parted the boy’s lips as he flipped onto his back, pressing his phone into the sheets and pushing himself into a sitting position. Everything had gone dark until Reki was close, his shoulder brushing against Langa’s as his lock screen stared back at Langa, leaving him with a hint of a smile. As embarrassing as it was to see his face below the ungodly hour of 2:53 am, it was always nice to see Reki’s picture-perfect smile right next to him.

“Sorry ‘bout the bathroom thing. I forgot you…” A sharp inhale drew Langa out of his overflowing inner monologue about Reki’s lock screen. “I should have knocked.”

“It’s okay. Just startled me.”

“Sorry again.” Silence fell as Reki’s eyes flicked down to Langa’s chest, sending an electric shock down his spine. “Aw, dude, you sure you wanna wear that one? It’s gross and—”

“No.” It was defensive; it was instinctive, the arms that wrapped around his own body, the fingers digging into the thick fabric, the lean back as Reki tried grabbing one of the hoodie’s strings. “I like this one. It’s soft.”

It smells like you. It reminds me of you. The words felt heavy on Langa’s tongue, words he bit back before ruining everything. Some things were just best left unsaid.

A shrug of the shoulders was enough for him to know that Reki hadn’t found the comment completely deranged. Reki was good at that, not questioning things further than they needed to be.

“Alright, whatever you say, man.”

And with that, the boy fell back into this mattress, his phone bouncing to the ground and falling with a thud, which Reki didn’t seem to care for in the slightest. No, his mind seemed to be far from this room, from this moment, from his phone which might have shattered beyond its usual extent.

Bothered amber eyes stared ahead at the dark ceiling as his nails dug and picked at the scarred skin of his knees. Light marks had blossomed across his sun-kissed skin, the result of all those years of skating and bailing, concrete leaving its mark on a once blank canvas. And how Langa wished to kiss every one of those scars away. How he wished to leave his mark, his promise to never let anything ever hurt Reki again. If it were up to Langa, if he could help it, not a single scar or bruise would ever form anywhere on Reki’s body. Not ever.

“We…” Another sharp inhale broke the silence, drawing Langa’s attention back to Reki’s face as the boy pushed himself into a sitting position. “Koyomi is using the guest futon, which means we’re gonna have to share. Again.” Sunny eyes set, a worrying gleam coating them with something Langa couldn’t quite place. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” The question was blurted out faster than Langa could process what was happening. “We share my bed all the time when we stay at my place.” Such were the facts, facts that Reki seemed that have been forgetting as he seemed to chew on the inside of his lip, still refusing to look at Langa. “We don’t have a guest futon.”

Finally, those pretty eyes met Langa. “Yeah, but your bed is bigger!” And just as quickly, they dipped back down. “Mine is, well…”

Reki gestured his bed, spreading his arms open and falling back to demonstrate the lack of room on his twin mattress. So what if it wasn’t the biggest bed Langa had come across during his lifetime? It was big enough for the two of them; the proof was that they had been just fine the last time Langa had stayed over. And anyway, it wasn’t like they weren’t accustomed to being in each other’s bubble. What was one night pressed together compared to all those months spent connected at the hip?

A smile pulled at the corner of Langa’s mouth as he squeezed himself between Reki and the wall. Their shoulders pressed together as Reki’s eyes found Langa’s, though not without seeming to widen ever so slightly.

“It’s fine, Reki.” Another smile, always a little easier than the last. “I don’t mind if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

And to prove his point, Langa nuzzled his face into the pillow, getting ever so comfortable in Reki’s bed. And maybe his heart was pounding in his chest, threatening to break out of its cage, but given how all the worry seemed to melt from Reki’s face, his cheek also pressed into a pillow as the boys laid facing each other, he couldn’t bring himself to care. All Langa could care for was the way Reki was snuggling closer to him, his nose pressed against the crook of Langa’s neck, an arm draped over Langa’s waist, right on the small patch of exposed skin where neither the hoodie nor the sweatpants quite reached.

Hesitantly, Langa’s hand found its way to Reki’s head, fingers tentatively stroking the boy’s wild red hair. And even if Langa knew it from all the times locks of hair had brushed against his cheek, it was always so surprising to feel the softness of Reki’s hair. It was nothing like Langa’s silky hair, hair that fell nearly perfectly without doing anything to it, but it had its own kind of softness: a Reki kind of soft. And when Reki let out a low hum of satisfaction as he snuggled closer, Langa felt his breath hitch and his insides tightening.

Reki, he liked this. He liked being there, pressed against Langa. And it wasn’t surprising, Langa knew Reki was a cuddler, but still, it had simply never occurred to him that this might be something that would be enjoyed. It had never occurred to Langa that Reki might like having his hair played with, fingers threading through wild locks. It had never occurred to Langa that he had the power to make Reki feel good and safe. It had never occurred to Langa that it was as simple as this.

“You’re gonna make me fall asleep…”

Another smile pulled at the corners of Langa’s mouth as Reki mumbled into the hoodie. His eyes had since fallen shut; his breath had also steadied. The small room, which had once been filled with uncertainty, had given in to peace. If Langa had felt a pit form at the pit of his stomach before, it had long left him.

“That’s the point. You need sleep.” Light laughter lost itself in the red wilderness as Reki huffed, not bothering to fight back. There simply was no fighting when soothing fingers tangled themselves with locks of red hair, nails lightly grazing Reki’s scalp. “But you know, you really are amazing, Reki. Never sell yourself short. Like, that turn you did? It was fucking amazing. I still don’t get how you managed to pull it off without bailing. When you had finally perfected it, finally nailing it for the first time, I spent an entire week trying to copy you and never got it. Just kept falling off my board. Never seemed to get it right. But you? You were so fucking cool, I could just—!”

Reki’s hands shot up to cover Langa’s mouth, muffling the end of his sentence. Big amber eyes were once again avoiding Langa’s; Reki’s face burned bright red once again, matching his cheeks to his hair.

“If you don’t stop right now, I will shove you off the bed.”

Langa sighed, pushing Reki’s hands away. Slowly, the boy settled against him once again, burying his face in the hood of the yellow sweater. There was no doubt that Reki was still burning up, but Langa didn’t mention it. Bringing up the color, no matter how pretty it made Reki look, no matter how much it made Reki’s freckles stand out, it would be setting himself up for a night spent on the floor. Instead, Langa simply let his hand find its way back to the red hair, playing with the strands once more.

“Fine, but just so you know, I still find you cool. And I’d be nothing without you since you’re the one who taught me how to skate and all.”

“Sleep, Langa. You’re rambling nonsense again.”

This time, Langa didn’t protest. There was no point; Reki would deflect the praise until the sun came up, and probably until it dipped back down again. One day, Reki would accept the praise Langa showered him in, but tonight was not that day. Tonight was the night Langa would let out a sigh as a smile hung from his lips; it was the night he would rest his chin atop Reki’s head, breathing in his shampoo. Tonight was the night Langa would resist the urge to press a kiss right there, right where it would feel so right to do so.

It would only be one night, Langa knew that, but it would be a night he would enjoy. It was a night he would treasure, a night he wouldn’t let slip through his fingers. Tonight, he would spend his time cuddled up under the sheets with Reki, pretending this was every night. Tonight, he would enjoy the feeling of Reki’s weight against him, the steady rise and fall of his chest. Tonight, Langa wouldn’t think of how he would trade anything in the world to have this every single day of his life.

------

Langa wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep, but when his eyes opened to greet the morning, the bed was empty. The spot beside him was cold; Reki must have gotten up a good while ago. It was a mystery as to how or when Reki had left him; he hadn’t felt him slip out from under his arm.

Disappointment accompanied the morning sun peering through the curtains. Langa had really hoped to wake up before Reki; he had hoped he would be able to watch him sleep a little longer, watch him snuggle deeper into his pillow, watch him snore softly, so calm and peaceful. Langa’s heart had wished to experience such a joy; he had always wondered what it would be like to wake up next to Reki. But alas, Langa wasn’t known to be an early bird, and Reki, well, he had always had the habit of being up far earlier than Langa.

Begrudgingly, Langa got out of bed. Life was already bustling outside of Reki’s room. The twins could be heard running around the house, screams and squeals of children echoing against the thin walls as they played whatever games toddlers would play. A littler farther away, a little more muffled than Chihiro and Nanaka’s voices, Langa could hear Reki’s mother in the kitchen, her sweet hum as she went on about her day, probably preparing breakfast for everyone. And in the living room, there sat Koyomi, her knees folded under her as she watched some rerun on the television. Everyone had fallen into their usual morning routines, filling the house. Everyone but Reki who was nowhere to be seen.

Without Reki to steer the conversation, Langa didn’t know what to do with himself. He was far too aware of how awkward he was as he took a seat on the couch, right next to the girl. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, but unlike when he was around Reki, this one wasn’t as easy. This one felt forced and terrified; Langa was scared to know what he looked like.

Silence filled the space between the two; only the tv gave way to some sort of liveliness. Neither dared say a word, at least not until the show cut to a commercial break. Until then, shyness, or perhaps indifference, Langa couldn’t tell the difference, reigned. Until then, Langa rehearsed possible conversation starters, turning the words over and over in his head; Reki had told him to talk to his sisters, to his mother. He had insisted that no one would bite and that they all liked him. He had assured Langa that nothing would go wrong, and yet, as Langa attempted at a conversation with the 14-year-old, it felt like everything had gone wrong.

“So, where’s your friend?”

The girl raised an eyebrow at Langa, seeming confused. Her head tilted to the side, leaving Langa just as puzzled as her. She had used the guest futon last night, hadn’t she? Reki had said so, unless Langa had once again misunderstood.

“What friend?”

“You used the guest futon, didn’t you?”

“No?”

The air suddenly felt tense, both Langa and Koyomi staring at each other in utter confusion. No matter how much Langa tried to demystify the situation, tried to understand what Koyomi was telling him, it just didn’t make sense. Clearly, there had been some kind of mistake or miscommunication. It wasn’t possible that what Reki had said was—

“Are you guys having a staring contest without me?”

Reki bounced into the room with more energy than was humanely possible.  But this was Reki, after all, Reki with his bright sunshine-like grin and his headband he was yet again readjusting. This was Reki, Reki who left Langa in shambles as his chest squeezed at the memory of how soft that red hair had been last night. This was Reki, the very same Reki who had hummed in satisfaction as fingers weaved through his hair. This was Reki, Reki who was so easy to be around, Reki who never left Langa confused and misunderstanding. Being with Reki, talking to him, it was nothing like whatever attempted conversation Langa had had with Koyomi.

“Didn’t your sister have a friend over last night?”

Reki blinked a few times while his sister once again insisted she had had no one over. Her words tumbled out of her mouth faster than Reki’s rambling normally would, jumbled claims that the only person who had stayed over last night was Langa and that even if she had wanted to spend a night with friends, it wouldn’t have been in this overly crowded house of embarrassing people. Her instances filled the room until they buzzed out; Langa’s mind had wandered elsewhere, leaving him nearly clueless as to what was happening around him. There was simply too much noise, noise that was quickly tuned out as questions and thoughts spiralled out of control in Langa’s messy brain. Why couldn’t he understand what was happening? Why had he been so convinced that Koyomi had had a friend over? Why couldn’t he understand the situation?

“Right!” Reki’s voice was loud, his fist pounding in his hand and drawing Langa out of his futile spiral. “Friend! Yes! Koyomi had invited a friend over!”

“I just said I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did!” Reki stared at this sister, lips pressed into a thin line. The two seemed to be having some sort of staring contest; was this some kind of sibling telepathic communication that Langa would never understand? “You know, the friend who left a few minutes ago?”

“Reki, what are you talking about?”

“Your friend. That used the guest futon. The futon Langa normally uses but couldn’t yesterday. That friend.”

“What are yo—? Oh!” A grin stretched across Koyomi’s face, a smile so similar to Reki but filled with so much more mischief. It was a look that always terrified Langa; what was up with 14-year-olds and looking like absolute shit starters? “You… Oh, I’m so telling mom!”

“Don’t! Don’t you fucking dare.”

Reki’s eyes narrowed onto the girl as Langa sank back into the couch, making himself as small as possible. Anger seemed to have sparked in those eyes that were usually so kind; or maybe it was the way Reki had hissed out the curse, Reki who never swore. He had made it a point to keep his vocabulary as clean as possible; he had made it clear that he wanted to be a good example for his sisters. And that determination had stuck, even when his family was nowhere near him. But here, in the Kyan living room, hearing Reki swear at his sister, Langa knew better than reminding Reki that there were young impressionable ears not too far away. Instead, he simply observed; this was between the Kyan siblings. And if things really did escalate, Mrs. Kyan would set them straight.

“Fine! But you owe me!”

“What do you mean, I owe you? I don’t owe you shit!”

“Don’t test me, Reki! I won’t hesitate! And I’ll even tell Langa if I have to!”

Was now a good time to step in? Or should he remain invisible? It was hard to tell what the best course of action was, but Langa had been mentioned. Why, he couldn’t tell, but he had been mentioned. So was it a good time to stop being a ghost?

“Tell me what?”

The siblings froze, both still in each other’s faces. Anger pulled on every one of their features, leaving them red in the face, but the shouting had subsided at the sound of Langa’s voice. Frustrated deep breaths instead filled the tense air.

Who knew when the shouting and fighting would flare up again, but from what Langa had gathered from tv shows, the Kyan household, and his occasional disagreements with Emily back when they were children, this wasn’t strange or unusual. If anything, it seemed to be quite natural for siblings to argue, though it didn’t mean it wasn’t at least a little bit fascinating to watch the nearly magical switch of energy. Only with Koyomi did Langa ever see Reki go from bubbly and happy to moody and annoyed with nothing more than one snide remark from his sister. And the same applied to Koyomi; he had seen her go from sniffling and crying to smiling and giggling with just one of Reki’s jokes. So it didn’t come as a surprise to see the girl bounce up to him, a grin nearly identical to the one her brother normally wore as she rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.

“Oh, just that I did have a friend over. Well, we’re not really friends, not yet, but almost? Maybe – hopefully – we’ll be good friends one day. Oh!” A giggle broke from her lips as Koyomi glanced at her brother. “Also, Reki is totally way too embarrassed to admit it, but he has a huge crush on my friend.”

More giggles filled the air as Koyomi poked her brother’s cheek, drawing attention to his wide-eyed look and burning cheeks. Fingernails dug into Reki’s palm once more, one of the few nervous ticks Langa got to learn about over the course of their friendship. And this friendship had led Langa to learn so many things about Reki: his favorite skateboard trick, his lack of a favorite color, his adoration for Westerner food whenever he was over. Langa knew so much about Reki, but at the same time, it felt like he knew nothing. Or at least, it felt like he knew nothing when it came to the more important things like who Reki liked. Because apparently he liked someone. According to Koyomi, he liked one of her friends. He liked this person who Langa knew nothing about. He liked a person Langa had never met before. What could she possibly be like?

“I— I will murder you in your sleep, sister dearest.”

And with that, Koyomi was bouncing out of the living room, though not without flipping her brother off and sticking her tongue out at him, a grin having broken across her face.

A tense and heavy silence hung in the air. A shadow of hair had cast over sunset eyes, obscuring them from Langa’s view. All that was left to be seen was the slight shake of shoulders, something akin to a threat of tears, something Langa hated most of all. He never knew what to do when Reki cried; he never wanted Reki to cry, not if it could be helped. And if Reki started crying now, what was the best course of action? Would it be best to leave him alone, or should Langa pull him into a hug, holding him close to his chest as he told him everything would be alright? If only Reki would smile instead of being close to tears.

If only they had been anywhere else; if only they had been in Reki’s room. Had  they been alone, then maybe Langa would have found the courage to push those bangs out of Reki’s eyes, revealing those pretty amber eyes that should have been filled with happiness. Maybe he would have gotten up and wrapped his arms around Reki, holding him tight for as long as Reki needed or wanted. Maybe he would have stroked that soft hair as he had only hours prior, hoping it would calm Reki. There was so much Langa could have done, would have liked to do, but instead, he let the boy be. He didn’t need Reki snapping at him for overstepping.

“You know…” Langa’s voice wobbled ever so slightly, afraid this was the wrong thing to do. He hoped a bit of conversation would pull Reki out of his sudden sour mood, but there was no guarantee it would work or that it wouldn’t make things even worse. “She reminds me a bit of Miya, with the whole… whatever that was about.”

Emily grinned as she flipped to the side, somehow seeming to get even more comfortable. She nestled her phone next to her, perfectly settled there for her to easily scroll through her typical content: makeup tutorials, hair styling reels, dance videos, and the occasional pretty actor or fictional boy. She had made herself right at home, which could have been a good thing had it not been in Langa’s space.

“That’s my bed.” Langa said, his voice utterly devoid of amusement as he crossed his arms over his chest. “We set up the couch for you until we find you an air mattress or something.”

The phone fell over as the girl flopped onto her back, pulling a pillow into her chest and burying her nose into it. Her voice came out as a muffled whine, sounding more pathetic than ever.

“But the couch is uncomfy!” Pleading brown eyes peered over the pillow in an attempt to make Langa feel bad. “And Auntie Nanako said I can take your bed if you sleep out since you’re gone like half of the week. Probably off cuddling your boyfriend or something.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

The words escaped him before he could even imagine what a response of the sort could entail, and, given the smile on Emily’s face, it had entailed something. She was thinking of something, something that was clearly wrong, but it was something nonetheless. It was something that she was going to hold over his head for as long as she could, that was for sure.

“Whatever you say, but you’re still not denying that you cuddle with him, so…” Langa opened his mouth to object, but no sound came out, leaving Emily with an even wider grin as she shooed him away, the pillow now falling to the ground. “Go! Go sleep with him! Let me get a bit of beauty sleep!”

“I—” Heat spread across Langa’s cheeks, but he was not going to let it leave him tongue-tied. He was not going to let Emily win this battle – not that it was a battle to begin with. “I can’t just show up at his door and expect him to let me in! I don’t live there!”

Emily raised an eyebrow at Langa, an unimpressed look in her eyes. So they both knew that was a lie; Langa had never been the best liar, after all. They both knew that Reki would let him in, no matter the time. And in the worst-case scenario, Langa could just sneak through Reki’s window – which was never locked – but that sounded far too much like some teen drama cliché, and he was not about to become the leading role in Emily’s favorite show.

The girl flopped back down into the nest she had created for herself, repositioning the phone on her left. Her alien face was out of Langa’s sight, but still, she wasn’t gone. Blond locks engulfed the pillow that Langa knew to be perfect for him, leaving him even more annoyed than he had been when he had first walked into his room. But the voice, the squeak of smugness, was his true breaking point.

“Well, off you go!” Emily waved her hand without even bothering to look at Langa. “I have a big day tomorrow, so I would highly enjoy some good ol’ beauty sleep.”

Langa sighed, finally accepting his defeat. Maybe he could sleep on the couch tonight. Or he could tell his mother about his stolen bed. He could probably do something about the situation at hand, but still, Emily had a point. Maybe Reki’s place really was the best option. Or maybe it was just that going to Reki was always his solution and that was why he was mindlessly stuffing stray pieces of clothes into his bag. He was far too used to going to Reki that his body had memorized the routine.

“One of these days, I’m gonna kick you.”

The mutter was mostly for him, but he knew that Emily had heard him. He knew from the fact that she was grinning on her – no, his – pillow, from the fact that her eyes quickly flickered between his face and her phone, from the fact that she was talking, her tone light and mocking.

“Can’t wait to see that day come.” Her snickering was muffled into the pillow, her brown eyes glowing with a burning undercut insult. “Because we both know that it’ll never happen, you klutz. You’ll break your leg trying.”

Langa didn’t bother answering the girl; flipping her off would only fuel her bratty little attitude and would give her a reason to make a scene. The last thing he needed was another excuse for her to come at him. So he simply huffed as he threw his bag over his shoulder and walked out of his room, phone in hand. It was almost unconscious, his fingers gliding over Reki’s name and sending him a text without context.

Finally got kicked out of my own home

Can I crash at yours tonight?

It seemed that Reki was on his phone rather than doing the homework he had promised to do. The answers came back far too quickly, and even if he had claimed he was “just taking a quick break,” Langa knew that was a lie. Not Reki nor Langa acknowledge the homework that would eventually have to be done. Instead, concerned texts buzzed in Langa’s hand, little bubbles appearing and disappearing faster than the best S skater around each corner of the track. And with each text, Langa had to bite his lip, trying his best to keep the laughter locked away. He couldn’t wake his mother up, especially not via the sound of his shoes hitting the floor for the fifth time in an attempt to tie them. Damned bunny ear laces were finally failing him after nearly 15 years of doing it on the daily. Or maybe it was his brain that was failing him, too busy pounding with Reki Reki Reki

What do you mean kicked out?????

Langa???

What happened??

Did your mom find out about S??????

Is she kicking you out because of S???

Because of skateboarding???

Because of all the sneaking out????

Are you being kicked out beCAUSE OF ME?????

LANGAAAAAAAAAA ANSWER MEEEEEE

LANGAAAAAA

LANGAAAAAAAA

Skateboard in one hand, phone in the other, Reki’s words were the only thing that lit up the night and Langa’s smile. A stifled laughter echoed in the streets as Langa hit send and pocketed the phone. Wheels scrapped against the pavement as he pushed forward, thinking of the possible faces Reki might have been making, staring at his phone.

So can I crash at yours?

-----

When Langa had asked if he could crash at Reki’s, he hadn’t meant it literally. But seeing Reki’s face light up as he approached the window, seeing his eyes sparkle under the soft light of his lamp, seeing his whole face light up as soon as he came into view, Langa forgot everything he had practiced in the last year. He had forgotten that his board wouldn’t magically stop when he came close to colliding with something. He forgot that he was the one that had to control his movement. He forgot that the wheels under his feet weren’t fixed to the ground.  Hell, he had even forgotten how to breathe for a moment! But only for a moment, because by the next, he was slipping off his board, the death trap flying across the room and crashing into the wall while his forehead collided with the top of Reki’s window.

Everything had gone hazy from that point on. Langa could hear Reki’s mother shouting from another room, somewhere in the distance, but what she had said, he couldn’t tell. And Reki. He had been right there, right next to Langa, but then he was far, peaking his head out of the door and whisper-shouting an apology. Something about falling off his bed? Langa couldn’t tell what that was about.

“Dude, Langa!” His voice was distant, but his eyes were right there, big with a wild panic. He was right there, but he also seemed so far away which was unfortunate. Langa liked having the boy right next to him. He liked him too much to let him fade out. “Dude, what the hell? Why didn’t you stop?”

Langa grunted, a throbbing pain shooting through his head. Why hadn’t he stopped? That was a good question and Langa didn’t have an answer for it. He couldn’t remember why he hadn’t stopped. He was always so good at stopping; it’s how he had made it this far without badly fucking up. But all this thinking, all this searching for an answer, it made his head hurt. Thinking hurt, and Langa just didn’t like doing it.

“Dude,” Reki’s hand was warm against Langa’s cheek. It was so warm and comforting. “Why didn’t you stop?”

Oh, right. “S’cause I like you.”

-----

Langa blinked a few times. It was suddenly a lot darker than he remembered. Sure, it wasn’t early when he had left his place, his mother and the near-entirety of the Kyan family were already fast asleep, but it wasn’t this late. Had he fallen asleep? When had that happened? He remembered getting to Reki’s house, but the rest of the night? Nothing. Blank. Nothing but Reki. Reki…

Instinctively, Langa touched his eyebrow, right where a hot pain had started to form again. The feeling of a bandage under his fingertips had become a familiar one over the last couple of months, but he didn’t remember having one on his face. At least, not recently. He hadn’t had any bad falls in months. The most he would get would be little scraps and cuts on his hands and knees which Reki always insisted on patching up for him. Reki had always fussed over him, Reki who had his arm over him, squirming under his sheets. Next to Langa. Bed. Shit.

The boy sat up, rubbing his eyes. His figure was barely distinguishable against the darkness, but Langa had memorized him. He memorized the way his bed hair was always a mess, strands sticking out uncontrollably. He had memorized how Reki always rubbed the sleep out of his right eye. He had memorized everything that was Reki.

“You okay there, dude?”

Reki’s weight was comfortable against Langa’s shoulder. He was warm and soft, almost melting into the boy. And the proximity, it left Langa with an irregular heartbeat, a pounding that echoed in his ears. Could Reki hear it? Could he feel it? There was no way of knowing since there was no way that Langa was going to ask him.

“Yeah, great.”

Langa cringed at the pitchiness of his whisper. Shame coated his squeak, a sound he had never heard come out of his mouth. A sound he had wished had never left his body. Ever.

“You busted your eyebrow.” Reki tentatively covered the yawn that escaped him before moving closer to Langa, if that were even possible. His calloused fingers brushed against Langa’s forehead, sending shivers down his spine. “Blood ‘nd all, then bam! Passed out cold. Patched you up, don’t worry ‘bout it. Even kissed it better!”

Fucked didn’t even begin to describe Langa’s state. From start to finish, he was fucked. Not only had he somehow managed to forget everything Reki had taught him about skating and his special awareness in general, resulting in a split eyebrow thanks to the window, but he had also somehow missed his chance at being conscious as Reki planted a kiss to his wound. That is if Reki actually did do as he said. But knowing Reki and how much he believed in the magic of “kissing it better,” he most probably did kiss his eyebrow, whispering to the wound to heal quickly. And Langa missed it. Langa missed it because of his stupid phobia of his own blood. Just the smell of it was enough to get him to black out, which was what probably happened. Just the idea of his own blood left him feeling dizzy, but not for long. With Reki’s hands on his shoulders, it wasn’t hard to snap back to reality.

“Whoa, dude! Stay with me.” Pretty sounds bubbled out of Reki as he flopped back down onto his mattress. “It was a pain in the ass to haul you up on the bed, and I’m not down to do it all over again. You know,” Langa watches as Reki settled against his pillow, probably trying to find a comfortable position, “you’re a lot heavier than you seem. All skinny and boney but still heavy as hell.”

“I’m,” Langa gulped,” trying his best to extinguish the wildfire that started to spread across his face and ears. A silent prayer left his parted lips, a hope that the darkness would conceal his shameful blush. “I’m not that heavy. And…” And what? What could he possibly say to Reki? What could he say that wouldn’t sound too stupid? “You could’ve left me on the floor or something. Not like I would’ve noticed. I was out cold anyway.”

Reki shifted under the sheets, turning to face Langa as he propped himself up on his elbows. “Nah, I couldn’t just leave you on the floor. You would’ve woken up with a sore neck or something and then you would’ve whined about it all day tomorrow. But it’s late, dude.” He was pretty as he snuggled his pillow, getting ready for bed once more. “C’mere.” His arms opened, as if he were beckoning Langa closer. “Bed’s not big enough for the two of us.”

Reki had to know what he was doing to Langa. He had to be aware of the tightness he was causing in Langa’s chest. And the racing of his heart. He had to know that he was killing him from within with his stupid little grabby hands and his attempts to pull Langa into his arms. He had to be conscious of it all. There was no way he was that oblivious.

Reluctantly – or at least, that was what Langa was trying to go for – Langa settled against the pillows, letting Reki wrap his arms around his shoulders. The scent of Reki filled the air surrounding Langa, sweet orange and a dash of sweat. Reki filled every corner of Langa’s mind as he let himself melt under the other boy’s touch, snuggling closer to his chest.

This is how I die. Or I’m finally going to wake up and this is all just a dream.

Reki shifted against him, somehow cuddling even closer. Langa didn’t know what was more unbearable: being pressed against his best friend’s chest or dreaming of being pressed against Reki, breathing him in, letting him fill Langa’s lungs.

“Oh,” Langa could feel the ride and fall of Reki’s chest as she spoke, more cuddling as he got comfortable. “You said something in English, which, by the way, was really rude! I actually understood you, dude! For once! And I know we’ve said we’re basically the same, but I’ll have you know that I would never crash my head against your window frame! I am the one who taught you how to skate, after all! I’m not useless on a board! But I still don’t get why you didn’t stop.”

Basically the same… what had Langa-?

“What? Better with your hands?”

 Heat flared up in Langa’s cheeks as he shoved his cousin aside. She stumbled into the street, laughing in a way that wasn’t pretty but was truly genuine, before coming back to his side. She stumbled around, drunk on her laughter, only finding her footing as she crashed back into Langa’s side and latching onto his arm. And seeing her like that, control completely loss over something as stupid as a sex joke of all things, Langa never wanted to see her after a night out on the town.

“You’re the worst, you know that?”

“It was funny!”

Langa rolled his eyes as he marched on, the girl still at his side. Her laughter calmed, from snorts to huffs. She calmed, slowly falling back into that semi-seriousness. At least there wasn’t that annoyed look in her eyes anymore.

“So do you plan on telling him today?”

Another sigh, though this one came from Langa. He knew she wasn’t going to let this go. He knew that no matter what he did, she would be asking him over and over again until he got over his fear and did it. And anyway, what was he afraid of? Emily was right; Reki had shown time and time again that he wouldn’t push Langa away. Over and over again, Reki had given Langa the chance to come clean with his feelings, but time and time again, Langa hadn’t ceased the moment. Maybe that was what he was afraid of. Maybe he was scared of having missed his chance. Maybe Reki had gotten tired of waiting for him, waiting for him to make up his mind and say something. Or maybe Langa was scared that he was reading the signs all wrong, despite Emily’s reassurances that there were no other options.

“I don’t know. When the right moment—”

“Fuck the right moment.” Langa glanced down at the girl. She wasn’t even looking at him. Her deep brown eyes which were usually riveted onto him, an intensity in that fixated gaze of hers, trailed ahead. She seemed lost in her thoughts, but she also seemed to have never been as present as now. She seemed to know exactly what she wanted to say. “The right moment won’t ever come and you know that. You know that it’s just because you’re being a big coward that you haven’t said anything. You’re just waiting for someone to jump before you do.”

She was calling him a coward. She was scolding him but refused to even look at him, like a coward. So who was she to call him a coward when she was being one, refusing to even look him in the eyes? She had no right to make such a claim, especially when it couldn’t be any farther from the truth. Langa really was just waiting for the right moment. He was just waiting for an opening, a moment that felt natural. There couldn’t be anything more awkward than just spilling all his feelings when it didn’t come into the conversation naturally.

“I could name you about a thousand times that would have been ‘the right moment’ but even then, you didn’t do anything. You chickened out before even entertaining him with the possibility of a confession! You—”

“You ruined every one of my chances.”

The silence that hung around them was heavy. It was heavier than any silence they had ever encountered before, especially between themselves. It was an uncomfortable silence, something choking as the girl’s eyes finally found Langa’s. And that look she was giving him, a pointed look that seemed to burn, it sent shivers down Langa’s spine. For the first time since her arrival, Langa wanted to back away from her. For the first time he was ready to give in to her completely out of fear of what she would do to him, but with his own blood pumping, he stood strong. He stood with his back straight, a look of nonchalance on his face.

“I ruined your chances?”

“Every. Single. One.”

Despite their height difference, they stood on equal grounds. Neither one faltered; neither one backed down. Both stood head strong, practically glaring at each other. But it wasn’t like the last time they had fought. No. They weren’t going to scream at each other like children, cursing each other out. This was a different type of anger. It was an anger that boiled, but that the same time, it froze Langa to his core. He was a frozen volcano.

“I ruined your chances? So now you’re blaming me for your cowardice? Even though I’ve been nothing but encouraging towards you? You fucking dare go there?”

A deep breath, just something to calm himself. Langa was going to be cool about this. He wasn’t going to let his emotions get the best of him. Not this time. He was going to be objective and concise. He was going to tell it straight. Or as straight as he could manage.

“I’m not saying it was on purpose. I’m not saying you went out of your way to ruin every moment I had to tell Reki. But you still did. You have horrible timing, that’s all. So, you did ruin every one of my chances. More than once.”

“I can’t believe you’re still trying to blame me!” The girl scoffed as she bit her thumb. Pink started to flare across her face, a pink that seemed to make its way as soon as emotions bubbled out of control. And it was often enough with Emily. One thing was for certain: unlike Langa, she let her emotions take control. “You actually, genuinely think that I ruined your chances!”

“But you did!”

“I did not ruin your chances!”

“Who ruined what chances?”

Chills shot down Langa’s back as his eyes widened at the voice. He didn’t need to turn around to know who was behind him. He recognized that voice anywhere; he dreamed of that voice and the smile that came with it. He didn’t need to see the sunset eyes or the flaming red hair to know that Reki was behind him, that scrunched up look he wore whenever he was ever slightly confused.

At the beginning of the summer, Langa had thought Emily really falling back into Japanese and getting familiar with the language would make his life easier. If she was able to communicate well enough on her own, he wasn’t obligated to translate everything and act as a translator between the girl and whoever they were talking to. So he and his mother had made an effort to speak as much Japanese around the girl, hoping it would help Emily find that language she had lost as a child. And with time, it did, to a certain degree. Sure, whenever she spoke to either Nanako or Langa, their discussions were more in English than Japanese, but they had gotten to that point where they could all weave in and out of Japanese, mixing Japanese and English as if it were a language of its own. It always felt more natural to Langa anyway; it’s how he had always communicated with his parents, that English-Japanese mix. But now, standing with his back turned to Reki, Langa wished Emily had never gotten used to the Japanese. Or maybe he wished that Reki had never picked up on English. Or maybe he wished that no one knew how to speak at all, the whole world plunged in an abysmal silence.

Something squeezed in Langa’s chest as Emily turned on her heel, a cheery smile instantaneously replacing the pinched look she had been directing at him just a moment prior. It was that fake innocent that only meant trouble for him. It was that look that meant that she was going to do something he wasn’t going to like. And he wasn’t wrong; as soon as her voice filled the space around them, Langa cringed, praying to be struck down by lightning right that moment.

“Apparently,” Emily’s voice was too high to be natural or sweet, “Langa thinks I’ve ruined his chances with his crush. Like, obviously, it’s not my fault he can’t come clean with his feelings, right Reki?”

She rolled the r whenever she said Reki’s name. Maybe that’s what it meant to purr a name. At least, that’s what Langa thought it might mean; he had never encountered someone purr out a name. How did one purr out a name? And didn’t purring involve something sultry or sensual? And Emily had no feelings for Reki, so why would she do that? It made no sense for her to roll that R. It made not sense—

“You like someone?”

Langa felt his heart break as he slowly faced his best friend. If there had been a grin on that pretty face, it was long gone now. Now, all Reki had was dull eyes, eyes that almost looked like they could fill with tears in a heartbeat. It was the way he was looking at his feet, pulling at his fingers under the sleeves of his yellow hoodie. It was the way he was fidgeting. It was the way he seemed so hurt, so sad. It was the way he was making Langa want nothing more than to pull him into his arms and promise that he didn’t like just anyone. It was the way Langa wanted nothing more than to make him smile by telling him that he was the one that he liked. Reki was the only one Langa liked. Or least, he was the only one he had a crush on.

“I—”

“Why…” A forced smile and a forced chuckle as Reki lifted his eyes to meet Langa’s, half-shrugging. The hurt in his eyes that seemed to twinkle with silent tears as he continued pulling at his fingers. Or maybe Langa was imagining it all. Maybe there were no tears nor hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me? I mean, you… You don’t have to tell me, but since we’re best friends and all, I thought that maybe… Maybe we’d talk about that kind of thing? And like, I could have helped you score the girl? Not that you need my help for that.” A scoff? A laugh? Another broken smile as Reki’s eyes fell back to his feet? “Any girl would be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend. I’m kinda jealous, if I’m being honest. And they like you so much, dude. Like,” eyes that shone like stars found Langa’s and in that moment, he felt his breath catch. “They’re always whispering about you and how good you look. So yeah, I just… I just thought you’d trust me with… with feelings and that kinda thing.”

Langa hated that he found himself frozen there. He hated that all he wanted to do was hug Reki, tell him that he did trust him and that it was going to be alright. All Langa wanted was to make the hurt disappear, but he found himself unable to do anything. He couldn’t hold Reki’s hand or pull him in for a hug. He wasn’t Reki; he didn’t have it in him to find the courage to initiate touch.

“I…” He had to say something. Langa had to do something as his hand twitched at his side. “I trust you Reki. I trust you so much.” Sunsets reflected against the ocean, beauty that was meant to come together. “I trust you. I trust you with everything, even this. I just…” A small, tentative smile quirked at the corner of Langa’s mouth and Reki’s expression mirrored his. “I didn’t really tell anyone, especially not Emmy. She just… sorta figure it out on her own? Apparently I… I wasn’t the most subtle? Or maybe it’s just because apparently I have the same look on my face as I did when I was a little kid, watching my favorite show. I don’t know, but I was gonna tell you! I was gonna tell you, I swear. I just… never found the right time.” The ocean left the sunny shore, concrete roads filling Langa’s sight as his voice dropped to a mumble. “It’s just a li’l awkward…”

A light chuckle pulled Langa’s eyes away from the ground. Forgiveness. Forgiveness shone in front of him. Forgiveness shone through that beautiful smile he adored so much. Reki was forgiving him for the withheld information. He was forgiving him, even if Langa had only given him a taste of the truth. The whole truth was too much to be let out right away. Langa had to pace himself.

“So…” Langa felt his heart squeeze in his chest as Reki caught his lip between his teeth, holding back the whole of his smile as his eyes shone brighter than the north star Langa occasionally got to see on those cold winter nights spent on deserted slopes. “Who’s the lucky girl?”

And his heart sunk. Girl. Reki was still expecting it to be a girl. The taste of the truth didn’t include the part which said that it wasn’t a girl, despite the obvious signs that Langa was at least also into boys. And as of late, Langa had absolutely not been concealing his gay very well. When even he realized how gay he was acting, it meant that he was absolutely not hiding it as well as he once hoped. And Reki? Reki couldn’t be that oblivious, even if they had never had the sexuality talk. Reki had to at least suspect that Langa was into boys, or so Langa thought. He thought Reki would have at least suspected it, but here he was, asking Langa about a girl.

Langa knew he hadn’t always been the subtlest about his sexuality, especially not back in Canada. Here, he was a little more careful. Here he tried his best to somewhat pass under the radar, but he had still been showing what could be considered signs; he had rejected every girl’s confession, blatantly stating that he wasn’t interested, and he had never once shown sign of wanting to date a girl. Then again, he also hadn’t shown signs of wanting to date boys either, but that was a minor detail. Anyway, he had shown interest in Reki on multiple occasions, maybe. Langa honestly wasn’t sure if he was as obvious in public as he felt himself to be.

Maybe Langa was a little less obvious than he thought himself to be. Maybe he was just so used to being The Gay Kid back in Canada that he forgot that it wasn’t as open in Japan. Maybe what was considered so blatantly gay back in Canada wasn’t taken the same way as it was here. Because back in Canada, it was easy being gay and out, especially around the other kids. Back then, it was normal to have “sexual awakenings” to fictional characters, and Langa had not been immune to it. He had had more than a few crushes and more often than not, he and his few friends would laugh about them over lunch.  Even now, he would think back to his childhood crushes and none had been girls. Not once had he found himself liking a girl, at least nothing more than that forced normative crush he had convinced himself of at 13 before realizing that being gay was a possibility for him at 14. He had never shown any signs of being straight, not once in his life, not that Reki knew any of this. Langa had made sure to conceal that part of himself from the boy and now, a little over a year later, it was biting him in the ass.

It was nerve-wracking, the idea of telling Reki that not only was he not straight, but that he also had a big, fat crush on him. And while he knew Reki wouldn’t be disgusted or mean about it, it didn’t make it any less scary. Emily had managed to convince him that he wouldn’t be rejected, but there always was that uncertainty. In the end, Reki might have only wanted a friendship with him. Or if he didn’t, if he did want more with Langa, the way Langa wanted more with Reki, then there still was that possibility that Reki wasn’t ready to accept his own sexuality or take that step forward. Who knew where he was on that journey, if it even was a journey for him! They never talked about sexuality or crushes besides Reki’s off-handed comments about girls looking pretty. They never talked about that stuff because it was awkward! But eventually, Langa would have to do something about it. Eventually.

“I…” Langa felt his throat close around the words. He felt his heart start racing in his chest, but not the way it did at S. This wasn’t the same sort of adrenaline. This one felt like poison in his veins. “I… It’s just… You…”

“Dude.” Langa’s breath caught in his clogged throat as Reki took his hand in his and gave it a squeeze of reassurance. His smile was soft and understanding, one of the many things Langa adored of the boy. “You don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. I know it’s not always easy for you to talk about your feelings and people make you feel weird sometimes, so you don’t have to tell me who it is. Just tell me when you’ll have asked her out, alright?”

Langa couldn’t help the laughter which fell from his lips as he nodded. He’d tell Reki when he’d ask his crush out. Reki would be the first to know since he would be the one being asked out, not that Reki knew that yet.  He’d know, Langa was convinced of that. He had made up his mind, after all. Reki was going to know how much Langa liked him, liked him for all that he was. He liked him for his sunny smile and how understanding and positive he was. Langa liked him so much and he would tell him, even if he was terrified of the unknown.

“But if you want,” Langa’s heart skipped a beat as Reki sent him another smile and gave him another reassuring squeeze, “you can practice on me? Like!” Pink spread across Reki’s cheeks as he pulled his hand back, leaving a coldness against Langa’s skin. “Like, you could practice a confession on me! See what works! Pretend I’m a girl and try confessing to me! Or would that be too awkward for you?”

“You wouldn’t mind me confessing to you?”

Maybe blurting that out without thinking wasn’t the best idea Langa had had. Well, perhaps it wasn’t an idea at all since it was a thoughtless question. But in a way, it was the thing Langa wanted to know most: would Reki mind him confessing to him, even if it had to be masked as a shitty hypothetical confession to an imaginary girl? And if it went well, would he be able to tell Reki that he meant it for real? Would he be able to tell Reki that those feelings he was spilling were genuine feelings he had for the boy?

“I… Dude…” Reki’s eyes shifted to the side, his yellow sleeve covering the color in his face as he rubbed his nose again. “When you say it like that…” Langa felt his heart clench; here came the rejection. “If it’s not too weird for you, I… I don’t mind.”

Langa wouldn’t have been able to say what had come over him as he grabbed Reki’s arm. He wouldn’t have been able to tell what was going through his head at that moment, but when Reki’s eyes snapped back towards him, big amber eyes in which Langa was ready to get lost in, he did care how forward or bold his move was. All he could think of was how bright Reki looked in that moment and how fast his heart was pounding in his chest. It was now or never. Langa was going to do this now.

“So I can try?”

“Yeah.” Another bright smile, a smile that was so undeniably Reki. “Yeah, you can give it a go.” Laughter. Beautiful laughter which had Langa’s head spinning. “Anything for you, man.”

Anything for you. Did Reki what he was doing to Langa? Did he know that the reason Langa’s heart was beating so fast was because of him? Did he know that he was the reason Langa’s head was spinning, nerves and exhilaration driving him insane? Did he know that he was giving Langa his only chance to confess to his best friend, spill all his secrets, all his feelings? Did Reki know what he was getting into or was he just being Reki, beautiful and kind Reki who always had Langa’s back, no matter how messy things got?

“Reki…”

The palms of his hands suddenly felt so sweaty and sticky, an uncomfortable feeling that he knew he would just have to push through. But his sweaty palms were the least of his problems at the moment. Right now, all Langa could think of was the way he would manage to tell Reki how he felt. All Langa could think of – or rather stress over – was the way he was going to properly confess to his best friend.

Surely, he knew Reki didn’t expect it to be perfect; the pretext was that this would be a practice confession, after all, even if Langa would mean what he was going to say. And while he had rehearsed his confession a million times over already, written it time and time again in the corners of his notebooks instead of listening to the teacher at the front of the class, when it came down to the real thing, Langa had no idea how to proceed. Every word he had come up with in the past had evaporated from his mind, leaving him completely blank and lost in those amber eyes which were looking at him expectantly. Langa was blank and anxious and nervous and full of fears, fears of rejection and of fucking up, and yet, he pushed through those fears. He pushed, even if he didn’t know where he was pushing towards. He pushed because while he wanted it to be perfect and so much more than just I like you, will you go out with me?, he also knew that this was Reki, Reki that liked him for him. Just hopefully that like went beyond pure platonic feelings.

“Yeah? What’s up, Langa?”

His heart didn’t calm as Reki slipped his fingers between Langa’s and gave his hand an encouraging squeeze. If anything, his heart picked up speed. And that speed, it was nothing like the feeling of being on a skateboard. This felt nothing like that one night he was taped his feet to a board and nearly killed himself for Reki. This was nothing like that night, even if it was once again all for Reki. Today, it was so different from that night. Today, it was so much scarier even if it didn’t look that way at all. Today, Langa would do the impossible; today Langa would actually say how he was feeling for the one he had fallen for. He would tell Reki, no matter how awkward and scary it may feel.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?” Brightness took over Reki’s face as he let out a soft chuckle, nodding as he grinned. “You’re my best friend and I… I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t want to lose you but… I just… Reki, I want to have you in my life. Always. And I know I’ve already told you this, but I just… Infinity sounds really nice. Infinity together is what I want. And I…” Now or never. This was it. The words were right there. The words would finally see the light of day. “I don’t want that just for skating. I want that for everything. And… And what I’m trying to say is that I like you. I like like you. A lot. I like you so much, Reki. I’ve liked you for so long.”

Everything felt so tight inside of Langa. From his stomach to his throat, everything felt like it was choking him. The wave had finally crashed, the ocean laid out completely for the world to see. Every word had been said and if Reki didn’t say anything soon, Langa feared he might cry. The deafening silence was enough to break him and leave him with silent tears streaming down his cheeks. The silence was worse than a rejection.

“Langa, that…” Red had spread across the boy’s face, red even more vibrant than his hair. Like a wildfire, it had spread across his cheeks, all the way up to his ears. Like fire, his face burnt up, much like a sunburn. Except the sun had nothing to do with that beautiful color on that beautiful face, or at least, Langa sure hoped it wasn’t from the sun. “That… that was great and all, but I don’t think you can… I don’t think you can use that on a girl.”

The wave crashed and Langa’s whole world shattered under it. Reki hadn’t left him in the deafening silence, he had said something just as Langa had wanted, but those words were worse than the silence. Those words cut like a knife. Those words meant Reki didn’t feel the same way at all and that all this was as they had said it would be: a practice confession for some faceless girl Langa had made up on the spot. This confession wasn’t for Reki, and Reki, with all the gentleness and kindness in the world, had reminded Langa of that. Reki had steered him back to their initial plan. Reki reminded Langa that this confession was for someone who didn’t skate, who wasn’t his best friend, who hadn’t promised to skate infinitely with him. This confession was for someone who didn’t exist.

“Unless…”

It was barely over a whisper, a fleeting word that could have vanished in the wind. And it almost did, but Langa caught it, caught it before it had gone to far, bringing it back to the little space that separated the two boys. Langa caught it, letting it fill the small world that was just them, Langa with his beating heart and Reki with his burning cheeks. And those cheeks were flushed a deep red, skin as hot as a fire, a heat Langa wanted nothing more than to ease with the coolness of his fingertips. And for once, he did. He did what he had wanted it, even if it was rather hesitantly. And while he may have been shaking as he brought his hand to Reki’s cheek, letting his fingers cradle the warm sun-kissed freckly skin, he didn’t pull back. And neither did Reki.

“Unless what, Reki?”

“Unless you…”

The fire spread onto Langa, heat invading his face as Reki glanced down, his amber eyes catching and lingering on Langa’s lips. This wasn’t like at Reki’s birthday. This wasn’t just Langa thinking about it. This time, Reki had made it evident that whatever he felt for Langa, it wasn’t just his way of being friendly. This time, Langa didn’t feel bad for wondering if he would get a chance to see if Reki was as sweet as he seemed or if he tasted of oranges just like how he smelled.  Langa didn’t feel bad for the slight tilt of his head, the lean-in nearly closing any kind of distance that separated the boys. For the first time all summer, Langa didn’t feel bad for craving to know how Reki felt, how he tasted, how it was to kiss him.

“Can…?”

“Yeah…”

Reki’s breath was warm against Langa’s lips. He was right there, his nose grazing Langa’s as the whisper broke from his soft-looking lips. He was right there, his head tilted up, just waiting for a kiss to be pressed to his lips. Or at least, that was what Langa hoped. He sure hoped he was reading the situation correctly; he had never been the best at reading social cues.

His deflated courage soon came back as warm fingers curled around his, Reki giving Langa’s hand yet another squeeze of encouragement. Or maybe it was his way of calming himself; his fingers twisted with Langa’s, that nervous twisting Reki usually did with the sleeves of his hoodies. Reki was nervous. Reki was nervous and if Langa knew his best friend as well as he hoped he did, then it was probably over the fact that this would be his first kiss. Reki was thinking about the fact that his first kiss would be with Langa; it was with a boy rather than the pretty girl he had probably been dreaming of since he was a child. Reki was giving Langa his first kiss, trusting him with that, and just for that, Langa had to make sure it was perfect. Everything had to be perfect for Reki.

And perfect it was not. As he leaned in, Langa missed, pressing the kiss to the corner of Reki’s mouth, closer to his cheek than to his lips. The perfect fairy tale kiss had been ruined and Langa could tell it went to hell as Reki went stiff, tensing at the contact. There was none of that picture-perfect softness in their kiss. It was awkward and ruined and Langa hadn’t been able to give Reki that one thing he had wanted to give him and now Reki would never get it because there was no second chance for a first. The first time was a one-time thing and now Langa had ruined it and for that, Reki was going to leave him and hate him and Langa was going to be alone again. Langa once again ruined a friendship because he failed at-!

Langa’s breath hitched at the contact of lips against his, Reki having tugged him back closer. And unlike him, Reki didn’t miss. Reki didn’t miss and with the kiss, all of Langa’s worries bled away, his head only spinning from the feeling of this kiss. Every anxious thought dissipated, quickly being replaced with thoughts of Reki, of how sweet he tasted, of how he felt on his tiptoes, his whole weight pressed into Langa, and of how Langa never wanted this moment to end. Langa wanted nothing but to stay in this paradise he had found in Reki, Reki and his sweetness Langa had been dreaming of for far too long.

Blissful was an understatement. Blissful didn’t even begin to describe the feeling of Reki’s chapped lips against Langa’s. Blissful didn’t even take into account the way he felt himself melt against Reki. Blissful said nothing about the way Reki’s fingers found their way up Langa’s neck, strands of hair being played with as the kiss was pressed to his lips. Blissful was the start of all the ways Langa could describe the moment. Blissful and perfect only described a fraction of that sweetness, of Reki’s gentleness, and of the way the moment seemed to last forever.

“I like you too.”

Reki’s breath was warm against Langa’s lips as he pulled back ever so slightly. He hadn’t broken the kiss completely, Langa still being able to feel every word being said, lips still brushing against each other, but the distance was still big enough for Langa to not be able to press another kiss to those pretty lips. And Reki held him at an every so small distance, a distance just wide enough to force Langa to acknowledge what was being said to him rather than thinking about stealing yet another one of Reki’s scarce kisses. One kiss was enough for him to know that he wanted more, more every day of his life. One kiss of Reki’s was enough for Langa to know that he wanted one in the morning as the sun greeted the world and one as lights went out and so many more throughout the day. One kiss of Reki’s was enough for Langa to be sure that this was what he wanted every day, if Reki so wanted them too.

“I like you, if you were serious about liking me. Otherwise-!”

“I like you, Reki! I like you a lot! Like, a lot a lot! And I… I have for a while. Like… Since…”

That sweet laughter that drove Langa crazy. Those bubbling giggles as Reki’s nose collided with Langa’s shoulder. Everything Langa adored of Reki, it was all there as Reki’s arms circled around Langa’s waist, holding him in a hug tighter than the last time. Everything was there, from his laughter to his smile to the heat that seeped through Langa’s clothing. Reki was there, right there in his arms, and he wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t running away or leaving Langa. He was staying as Langa returned the hug, his cheek pressed to Reki’s hair. Reki was staying right there, in the little pocket of a universe they had created for themselves. Reki was staying right there, staying where Langa was sure he was going to be his happiness for as long as the universe allowed it.

“Hey, Langa?” Neither one really moved, just a slight nudge of Reki’s, those little nudges he always gave whenever he wanted Langa’s full attention. “If you’ve liked me for a while, why… why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Sooner? Langa almost laughed as he buried his head in Reki’s shoulder. He almost burst out laughing because if anything, he had said it sooner. He had, in a way, said it multiple times. He had said it in so many ways, maybe even in all ways except in a direct Japanese confession. And even then, Langa had finally committed to it, giving Reki a sincere confession in words he would understand, unlike the many times before that.

“I mean, like…” Langa lifted his head as Reki wiggled out of their hug, creating just enough distance between them to be able to slip his fingers between Langa’s. A grin stretched across the boy’s face, a pretty grin that Langa knew he could never resist again. “You could have at least told me that you liked boys?”

“What about you? I…” Heat rose in Langa’s face as his eyes fell to the side, his gaze tracing the outline of their tangled shadows. “I didn’t think I was that subtle… I did tell you I liked you at the beginning of the summer and I did almost kiss you—”

“When?”

Instinctively, Langa raised his hand to his eyebrow, right where a light scar had formed. It was barely noticeable anymore, but he could feel the way his skin wasn’t quite the same in that spot. He could still feel the way it dug in ever so slightly. He could still feel the wound as if it were the first day, despite having healed quite well since then.

“When I crashed in your window. I… I said I like you, not I’m like you. Or when we went to get ice cream and I pushed my cone in your face.” Blue eyes flickered to meet the deep amber of Reki’s eyes before darting back down. “Or for your birthday or even just last week. I’ve been…” With a quick breath, Langa raised his head, coming eye to eye with Reki. “I’ve been anything but subtle with the way I feel about you.”

The pinks and reds against Reki’s cheeks were by far the prettiest thing Langa had ever seen. No sunset could ever compare to the beauty that was Reki and those heating cheeks. The only thing cuter than the color of his face was the little sound he made, the barely audible oh that escaped him before biting his lip and hiding his face in Langa’s shoulder. And laughter, always that sweet laughter that felt like magic. Sweet laughter Langa now knew the feeling of against his shoulder, against his lips, against him. Sweet laughter he knew he could have so easily gotten drunk off of.

“Is that…” More giggles broke Reki’s words as they fell from his lips. Giggles escaped, leaving Langa’s heart jumping in his chest. “Is that why you were so obsessed over the idea of me having a crush on Emily? D’you think you were gonna lose your shot to your cousin?”

Langa felt his heart sink at the mention of Emily. It wasn’t fear striking him; it was embarrassment. What was more embarrassing than being caught in the middle of something as mortifying as that? Reki now knew why he was so insistent about that. Reki now knew how often he thought of him, of the way he did. And surely that wasn’t a bad thing, but was it weird? Was it weird for Reki to know that Langa, Langa of all people, was insecure about losing his best friend to a girl Reki had met a few weeks prior? Was it weird that the king of nonchalance was obsessive because of his fear of losing one of the most important people to him? Perhaps it wasn’t, but Langa wasn’t ready to get into that. He was not going to confess all his secrets in the span of a few minutes.

“Are you really okay with liking a boy?”

Reki blinked as he peeled himself off of Langa for what felt like the twentieth time that day. Big eyes stared at him, big eyes that seemed to have been caught off guard. Or at least, seemed to have been caught even more off guard than before.

“I… I don’t know?” Langa felt the pain pierce through him as the words fell from Reki’s lips. “No! Yes! I mean…” The boy grunted as he let his head fall in his hands. “Let me restart, please. I just…” Another sunrise met the ocean, a sunrise so soft that it calmed the storm that began to crash against Langa’s chest. “I like you. I know that I like you. A lot. But also…” Reki’s eyes shifted to the side as he began pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie once again, that nervous tic of his. “Does that mean I like boys? Since I like you and you’re…” The way Reki’s eyes moved left Langa’s heart flipping, from those shifts to the side to their intensity as they stared right into Langa’s. “You’re clearly not a girl even though you are really pretty.”

It was the way Reki said it so matter-of-factly. It was the way he said it so casually, as if it was one of the few universal truths. It was the way he said it with so much sincerity which left Langa’s heart skipping a beat, butterflies erupting from their cocoons in his chest. It was the way Reki looked at him, always with that fondness, a fondness that was in his voice and in his gaze. It was the way Reki was so himself which had Langa falling so helplessly for him. And Langa was falling, always falling, falling deeper and deeper for this boy to which he promised to be a shoulder to lean on. 

“I…” One deep breath before pressing his forehead to Reki’s, hoping that all the affection he felt for the boy would seep through the point of contact. “I can’t answer that for you. I can’t figure it out for you, but as long as you like me, that’s enough. That’s all you really need to know right now.”

“I just…” Langa’s breath hitched as Reki scrunched his nose, biting the inside of his lip. He had seen the boy do it hundreds of times before, but now, from this proximity, it felt completely new and completely and utterly adorable. “I’ve never liked any of the guys I know, y’know? Like… At least not the way I like you? But then again, I don’t think I’ve ever liked any girls the way I like you either which is really weird. I mean, I know they’re really pretty and all that, but beyond that? I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone until you. Except you.”

The way Langa’s heart flipped in his chest almost felt unnatural. And maybe it was; maybe hearts weren’t supposed to do summersaults in one’s chest, but when Reki was looking at him with his big amber eyes, looking at him with all the affection in the world, Langa couldn’t help his reaction. He couldn’t stop his heart from beating for the boy. He couldn’t stop falling for him.

“Can I just say that I like you? You and only you?”

Light laughter fell from Langa’s lips as he pulled the boy in for a hug, holding him tighter than he had ever held anyone. He couldn’t let Reki go. He couldn’t risk losing him again. And under no circumstance was he letting Reki believe that he didn’t have anyone at his side or that what he was feeling was wrong. Langa was going to be the comfort Reki wanted, no matter how new being someone’s comfort was to him. For Reki, he was ready to go to the moon and back.

“That’s okay. You don’t owe anyone anything. As long as you’re happy with that. You don’t have to pick a label.”

“How long have you known that you like boys?”

Langa blinked as he pulled back ever so slightly, just enough to look at the boy. How long had he known that he had liked boys? Langa wanted to say forever, even if he only come to terms with his sexuality a few years prior. He wanted to say forever because deep down within him, he had always only felt an attraction towards boys, no matter the nature of said attraction. It had always been boys, boys that made him smile, that made his heart pound whenever he found himself with a schoolyard crush. It had always been boys, never girls. Girls had never left him nervous, at least not the way boys had. And sure, girls were pretty, Langa knew that. They were pretty to look at, but the same way a flower was pretty or the way stars against the night sky were pretty. Girls were pretty but they were a distant thing, something to look at, to admire from afar, but with no desire to get close, to touch, to have. Girls were pretty, but not in the way boys were.

“I came out as gay when I was fourteen, but it was pretty obvious ever since I was a kid. I… I did things that were not exactly… straight.”

“What kind of things?”

Another snort, but not for the same reasons as earlier. This time, he was making himself laugh. He was making himself laugh as he thought back to the things his kid-self did. There were so many things that could have ticked everyone off a lot sooner than it had. In every memory he had, he remembered doing something that wasn’t exactly straight kid behavior. From letting Emily dress him in dresses to always wanting to hold his friends’ hands, he didn’t exactly have the typical straight boy childhood, playing with little trucks in the sand or climbing trees. Or maybe those were just clichés and there was no such thing as a straight boy childhood.

“I wanted to marry the boy who lived a couple of houses down from me when I was four. We used to play house at the park and I would always go out of my way to kiss his cheek because…”  Langa felt his cheeks burn as he thought back to his days at the park. Even if it was over a decade ago, it was still embarrassing to think about the things he did. It was dumb yet so embarrassing to think back to all the little things he did. “Then he moved away and I completely forgot about him until my mom started teasing me about it.”

More laughter. More beautiful laughter, prettier than the most beautiful of melodies. Nothing could compare to the sounds that came out of Reki, his little choked laughter, muffled by his hand. And if any clouds of doubt shadowed his brightness, his sunshine came back out with the laughter, sweetness that blew away any fears. All it took was a smile of Reki’s for the world to be right again. All it took was one beautiful smile of Reki’s for Kanga to know that all was going to be alright.

“Damn, already thinking about marriage as a toddler. Like, dude, how did your mom react? How are you supposed to react to that? Because I don’t know what I’d do if one of the twins came home one day and told me they wanted to marry the neighbor.”

“I…” Langa bit the inside of his cheek, eyes glancing away as he felt the heat creep up his neck. “I don’t know. You’d have to ask my mom, but it’s… it’s too embarrassing.”

“I’ll be sure to ask. But first…” Reki’s bright sunny voice fell to a hushed whisper as he moved in, his nose brushing against Langa’s as his eyes fell half-shut. “Can I kiss you again?”

It was stupid and embarrassing but Langa couldn’t help it. It happened before he could even rationalize his actions, the enthusiastic nod of the head. He must have seemed childish from his reaction, but how else was he supposed to react? He wasn’t exactly known for his coolness, after all. And given that Reki was laughing ever so slightly, he couldn’t bring himself to care about his foolishness. If it had Reki laughing and smiling, Langa wouldn’t change a thing. For Reki, he’d do a million stupid things if it meant putting a smile on that pretty face. And whether Reki knew it or not, he had Langa acting like a fool since that faithful first day when he had stolen Langa’s heart. Reki had Langa acting like a fool because he was one; Langa was a fool when it came to love. Langa was a fool when it came to Reki.

Calloused fingers brushed against Lagna’s cheek, pushing a strand of hair away from his face to be tucked behind his ear. He felt himself melt into the touch, his cheek pressed against those wonderful fingers, against that palm he had so long longed for. And as Reki traced circles against Langa’s cheek with his thumb, everything else faded away. All Langa was left with was the lightness in his chest and the annoyance on Reki’s face as he tried in vain to keep the stubborn strand of blue hair at bay.

Silky blue bangs slipped right through the boy’s fingers, leaving the boy sighing before trying once more. They were too short to stay back, Langa knew this from the number of times he found himself eating his bangs, but still, he let Reki struggle a little. Langa couldn’t bring himself to wipe the look of concentration off the boy’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Reki to stop trying, not when he looked that cute trying. Langa absolutely could not bring himself to dissuade Reki from so desperately trying to keep the lock in place, even if he knew he should have.

“It won’t stay. Langa,” a pout formed on Reki’s mouth as his eyes locked with Langa’s, big and beautiful amber eyes, “why won’t it stay?”

It couldn’t be helped, the laughter that fell from Langa’s lips. It couldn’t be helped, any of it, as the strand slipped from Reki’s fingers once more. Everything was falling into place as Langa bumped his nose to Reki’s, pulling him from a frown to something more surprised-looking. And the annoyance, a look that seemed to say that the lock of hair alone was the bane of his existence in that very moment, faded completely as Reki’s attention was pulled back to Langa, right where the boy liked it.

“It’s too short, Reki. No matter what you do, it won’t stay.”

Reki huffed as he pushed the strand away once more, but his expression was a lot soft this time. He wasn’t fighting the stubborn lock. No, he was just getting comfortable this time as he beckoned Langa closer, his warm fingers making their home against Langa’s cheek. And with a grin, Langa gladly obliged, leaning down to meet Reki halfway.

The kiss was light, clumsy lips pressed together, yet it was still somehow even better than the last one. There was no missing of Reki’s lips, though Langa had Reki’s guidance to thank once again. With an arm looped around Langa’s neck, pulling him closer, and warm fingers cupping his cheek as the kiss was pressed to his lips, Langa felt himself melt against the boy once more. He got to feel Reki against himself once more, bodies flushed against one another, their smiles pressed into one. It was everything he had dreamed of and more; it was better than his dreams, those fleeting touches his mind made up for him. This was real. This was real and Lagna wondered if Reki could feel his heart racing in his chest. Or if he could feel it stop as Reki tilted his head, deepening the kiss.

Instinctively, Langa formed a fist at the collar of Reki’s shirt, his grip tightening around Reki’s waist, holding onto him tightly, as Reki’s lips parted ever so slightly against his own. He could feel Reki’s warm breath against his lips, the ragged breath before the boy closed the distance once more, pulling at Langa’s bottom lip. He could feel so many things, so many new sensations flowing through him. Everything was so new, so foreign, yet it felt so good, despite the hitch in his breath and his wide eyes which Langa quickly squeezed shut. Everything felt perfect, better than perfect even. Everything felt so perfectly good that Langa had to fight the embarrassing sounds he felt clogging at the base of his throat, sounds he knew he couldn’t let out if he wanted to preserve his dignity. There was no way he would survive if he let out a whimper, or even worse, a moan. If anything of the sort escaped his body, he might as well go live as a hermit at the bottom of the ocean.

 Thankfully, nothing more than hitched and shaky breaths left the boy. For once, his body didn’t betray him, leaving his pride intact as Reki broke away, eyes heavy lidded and swiping the pad of his thumb over Langa’s bottom lip. It was probably kiss-swollen and wet, red from every one of Reki’s tugs, but Langa couldn’t bring himself to care. How could he when Reki was looking like that? How could he bring himself to care about anything except the boy when he was so close, so pretty, so everything?

“I’ve been wanting to do this since my birthday.”

And as he pushed himself up against Langa, pressing yet another kiss to Langa’s mouth, all Langa knew was Reki. It was all that pulsed through his body. Reki, Reki, Reki, it was the only thing that filled his brain, every part of it. Reki, the only thing that filled all of Langa, from his head to his stepped-on toes. Reki who was a gentle but eager kisser, chasing Langa’s mouth every time he pulled back to breathe. Reki who seemed to want this just as much as Langa wanted this. Reki who seemed almost as enamored with Langa as Langa was with him. And with every kiss, every touch, Langa melted, his head screaming finally, finally, finally!

Like two pieces of the same puzzle, they fit together perfectly.

“Hell yeah! ‘Bout time!”

Emily grinned as the two boys jumped apart, both their faces burning. Or perhaps grin was too innocent a way to describe the girl’s smile. Her mouth was quirked into a huge smile, gleeful, delighted, but also had its cutting edge that was so intimately Emily. Her brown eyes had a twinkle in them, something more mischievous than usual, something that so easily translated to “Fucking finally, you dumbass.” And together, Langa knew he was never going to hear the end of it. He knew that he had met his doom. Heaven and Hell on the same day. Heaven in Reki’s smile and Hell in Emily’s eyes.  Heaven in the boy Langa could never get off his mind and Hell in the girl he had completely forgotten the existence of the moment his world centered around Reki and his sweet kisses. How could he think of anything other than Reki when he was completely engulfed in the scent of Reki, the taste of Reki, the feeling of Reki, the everything that was Reki? Nothing but Reki and themselves existed.

Reki was the first to break out of the awkward staring directed at the nonchalant girl in front of them. He was the first to burst into laughter, seeing the funny side of the situation rather than the paralyzing mortification. He was the first to shake everything off – literally shaking his discomfort off – before moving into Langa and burying his face into Langa’s shoulder, hiding his still burning cheeks.

He was warm, all pressed up against Langa’s side, tucked under his arm. He was so warm as he made himself at home against Langa. And while the proximity itself wasn’t exactly new to either of them, it felt new. It felt different, somehow. It felt freer, which didn’t make any sense since nothing changed between the two besides that they had kissed. Or maybe that was enough for everything to have changed for the best.

“So…” Emily rocked on the balls of her feet, feigning innocence as she bit – bit like the monster that she was – the ice cream she must have slipped away to get while Langa was busy spilling his feelings at Reki’s feet. “Y’all planned a first date yet?”

Langa’s eyes grew wide at the mention of a first date. Surely, they would eventually go on a date, but at the same time, he hadn’t thought that far. Perhaps he really had been way too hung up on the possibility of even just mentioning his feelings to Reki only to be rejected that a positive reaction had never really crossed his mind. He hadn’t allowed himself to dream about the future, one where they could be skating across life hand-in-hand. He hadn’t let himself even entertain himself with the possibility of going out on a date with Reki, an official, romantic date, with just the two of them. None of it felt like it could be possible. At least not until now. Not until Reki was pressed against him, his nose in the warm soft spot of his neck. Not until Reki had literally kissed him and returned the feelings Langa had been burying so deep that they eventually erupted like the most violent of volcanoes. Dating had felt like an impossible dream until it wasn’t.

“I mean…”

Reki’s voice drew Langa out of the hurricane of thoughts that started to swirl in his brain, the sun peeking through the clouds of panic that had begun to form. He rubbed soothing circles against the small of Langa’s back as he nudged him with his nose, a movement so small yet so comforting. And has their eyes locked, Langa felt himself melt. The amber seemed so big and so shiny, brimming with excitement. He seemed so happy.

“If you want? I mean, I want—!” Color rose to Reki’s cheeks once more as he bit his lip and took a deep breath. “Let me restart: Langa, will you go out on a date with me as soon as I figure something out?” 

And once again, Langa was nodding enthusiastically. He must have been grinning as well; he felt the pull in his cheeks, a pull that almost felt unnatural. Rarely had he smiled so much; besides Reki, nothing was compelling enough to get him to smile this big. There had only ever been Reki who had the power to break down the walls of Langa’s usually cold and distant exterior. There had only ever really been Reki who managed to pull out his dramatic and foolish side. There had only been Reki who managed to draw out the side of Langa that he had long forgotten about.

“Alright, alright you lovebirds, no need to rub it in my face.”  The girl slumped down on the side of the road, stretching her legs as she took another bite of her ice cream. “But see?” Langa gulped as he registered the English and the grin accompanying the language. She didn’t want Reki to understand which meant that Langa was in trouble. It would be embarrassing, so much was certain. “Told ya he liked you back! I told you you had nothing to be scared of! I totally called it that y’all would be so disgustingly in love! And it took you for-fucking-ever, you dumbass! I’ve been telling you to go for it for a whole month!”

“I—!”

“Translation please?”

Big amber eyes flickered between the two, confusion coating the deep color. A small frown had started to form as the boy’s gaze finally settled on Langa’s face, knowing he had a better chance at getting something from him than from the evil girl on the curbside in front of them.

“I know I’ve gotten better at English this summer, but that was way too fast. So… translation please?”

A small smile traced Langa’s lips as he pressed a kiss to Reki’s cheek. Fire ignited under the soft skin Langa was slowly getting used to, heat that seemed unnecessary given that the boy had initiated kisses that were far more intimate and heart-flipping than this one. And yet, he did nothing to calm the flames. If anything, he made Reki flare up even more as he kept his smile pressed there, talking into the skin; if Langa could get Reki to blush this way every day of his life, then he would be satisfied.

 “Nah, Emmy’s just being annoying. As usual. Nothing worth translating.”

Another fit of laughter filled the air as Emily flipped her cousin off as she finished off her cone. Reki and Langa’s laughters intertwined, as if they were made to be heard together. And maybe they had been; how else could someone explain the magnetic pull they had felt for one another since the start? Or perhaps Langa was being dramatic as always, finally letting himself believe in something a little childish yet so comforting.

“Jackass.”

Even more laughter, mostly from Langa as he buried his nose in Reki’s soft tousled hair. Maybe this is why the boy liked teasing his sisters so much; it was just so much fun annoying Emily, little jabs that Langa knew weren’t going to cause the girl to blow up on him. It wasn’t anything mean, but it still got a reaction out of the girl which had him choking on his laughter. And as Emily began giggling along with the two, any doubt that she might genuinely be mad at him faded. It was all fun and games, after all.

Just as everyone was starting to calm, another fit of laughter burst out of Reki as Langa’s stomach let out a low grumble. Sweet giggles filled his ears as pink rose to his cheeks and arms tightened around his middle, giving him a quick squeeze before letting him go completely.

“C’mon,” Langa fell a little more in love with Reki’s smiles as amber eyes that seemed to adore him shone at him, “let’s go find you something to eat. Oh!” The boy’s voice raised an octave, excitement filling the air. “It can be kinda like a date! Not a real first date, but a lunch date!”

“Reki,” he was a puppy as he stared at Langa with his big eyes. “Reki, we go out to eat together almost every day. I hardly think that getting burgers is considered a date. I mean, it won’t really be different from the other times.”

“It will! It will because—” Reki slid his palm against Langa’s, intertwining their fingers together as if they had been made to be clasped together like that— “I get to do this now. Without feeling weird. Don’t have to pull back anymore. I can actually hold your hand now, no weird hand brushing.”

Reki’s cheeks had flushed red again, but still, he grinned wide and bright. He looked so happy; his gaze had fallen onto their clasped hands and rarely had Langa seen the boy look so soft. A little more and he might have been melting the way Langa was. Or maybe he was and Langa was still too dense to notice it; he knew he wouldn’t magically become good at reading the feelings Reki was showing him rather than telling him. He knew he wouldn’t magically become good at reading Reki, but at the same time, if there was one person he knew as well as he knew himself, it was Reki. It was Reki who had always worn his heart on his sleeve, never bothering to really conceal his emotions. Maybe when he was sad or stressed, he would try to hide those worries and insecurities behind a smile, but even those they cracked. Even those Langa eventually understood. Reki was like an open book to Langa; a Japanese open book with a lot of metaphors at times.

“So food?”

Another nod. “Yeah, that would be nice.” A nudge to Reki’s shoulder. A smile. “But I’m paying this time.”

“Wha—?” Reki shook his head, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Fine, but I’m paying for the ice cream I’m getting you after. And you can’t say no! I know you like deserts and that you’re always hungry! No refusing!”

 “Deal.”

“Good. But first,” Reki tugged Langa forward, his free hand reaching forward. Langa watched as the boy grabbed one of Emily’s hands, catching her off guard and causing her to nearly drop her phone. He watched as she got up, looking lost and confused. “You’re coming with us. Can’t leave you all alone and,” Reki’s eyes flickered towards where his house would be, the shadows of it peeking over the other houses lining the house, “have you run off to Komi to tell her everything that just happened here.”

Emily rolled her eyes, finally understanding what was happening. She huffed but didn’t resist, simply taking a place next to Reki who was still tugging her along.

“You’re just pulling me along to rub it in my face that Langa found a good boyfriend before me. Which is absolutely, totally, so cruel of you. I thought you were the nice one.”

“Well,” Reki let go of both Langa and Emily’s hands to stuff his hands in his pocket, shrugging in the process. And while Langa would have whined about the sudden breeze against his skin, he didn’t say anything, just watching the boy, wondering what he was going to do or say next. “I was actually gonna ask you to tell me embarrassing things about Langa from when he was a kid, but since I’m so cruel… Guess I’ll just have to go ask Mrs. Hasegawa for more embarrassing things on the both of you.” Langa felt his stomach drop as mischief shone in the amber eyes that had been filled with so much adoration just moments prior. “She can show me that album we didn’t have time to get through last time. I was promised Halloween pics and I’m sure those are golden.”

Both Emily and Langa gasped in horror before shouting at the boy who was dashing off. He was laughing as he created distance between himself and the cousins, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes from all his giggles. He looked happier than he ever had and Langa felt his heart melt in his chest. Unlike Emily who was chasing Reki, calling him all the names she could think off, Langa just stood there, watching the two dumb kids with the utmost fondness. They seemed to be having fun, running around the little park at the end of Reki’s street, laughing and screaming and tripping over their feet. They seemed to be having a lot of fun even, Reki glancing over his shoulder only to squeak at the distance starting to close between Emily and himself; despite Reki being a fast runner and Emily being significantly shorter than him, she was still pretty fast. In fact, she had always been a fast runner when determined enough. Langa had learned that the hard way, kind of like Reki was in that moment.

“Don’t you fucking dare ask Auntie Nanako about my embarrassing childhood! Don’t you fucking dare, Kyan Reki! Especially not when I had the decency to not ask your sister or mother about yours!”

Langa watched in silence as the banter went back and forth between the two. He watched them with a new kind of fondness. He watched Reki look so pretty, his hair blowing in the wind but also starting to stick to his forehead from the sweat. He watched the way he smiled as he ran, alternating between fast and slow, just enough to give Emily hope but not let her catch up to him completely. He watched the way Reki looked so perfect, so pretty, before letting his eyes trail off to Emily. She was panting already, but that didn’t stop her from trying. It didn’t stop her from doing her best at trying to catch Reki, and on a few occasions, she almost had him. And despite her flushed cheeks and sweaty forehead, she didn’t look anywhere near ready to call it quits.

It was funny how at the beginning of the summer, Langa had wanted to separate the two. Either out of fear that they would hate each other or that they would get along so well that Emily would be the one kissing Reki by the end of the summer, Langa had really tried his best to keep them apart, to never let his childhood best friend meet his current best friend, though those attempts clearly failed. The two had grown close over the summer and Langa was quite glad about it despite his initial hesitancy. He hadn’t realized how nice it was to have two of the most important people in his life be friends until he was watching them, realizing how heartbreaking it would have been if he had had to choose between the two of them. But now, watching them still playing around, acting childish and unguarded, warmth ran through Langa’s body. Or maybe it was hunger. In all honesty, he wasn’t really sure.

Arms wrapped around Langa as Reki’s body crashed against his back, causing them to stagger forward a little. He could feel the hot pants against his neck with every gasp for air Reki took. He could also feel the way Reki’s chest heaved with every deep breath, his racing heart starting to slow against Langa. Everything was, despite not being new, quite overwhelming.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Reki’s chin dropped onto Langa’s shoulder, his voice filled with laughter, fondness, and exhaustion. His hold on Langa tightened as he snuggled closer. Everything around Langa smelled of Reki, a scent sweet enough to drive him crazy. Everything was new, yet it was also the same as it had always been. Nothing changed, yet everything was changed between Reki and himself. They were the same Reki and Langa they had always been, but at the same time, they were so much more now. Langa didn’t have to hesitate when he wanted to push Reki’s bangs out of his eyes anymore. He didn’t have to be afraid it would be weird. He didn’t have to tense every time Reki touched him, terrified that his true feelings would finally surface and drive the boy away from him. He didn’t have to hide how much he liked Reki anymore. He didn’t have to force his eyes away from the boy. Langa didn’t have to hide his feelings from anyone anymore because Reki knew and he returned those feelings. Reki returned his affection which meant that he didn’t have to just dream of holding the boy’s hand, of hugging him, of kissing him. He could do it for real, as soon as he got over the butterflies that erupted in his stomach every time Reki touched him. That’s what Langa was thinking of.

“Food.”

“Of course you are, dude. Why am I not even surprised?”

Reki really did have the most beautiful laughter in the world. The way it bubbled in his throat, coming out a little choked up before spilling freely from his lips, it made Langa melt. He was putty in Reki’s hands, even more than he was before. Now, everything about the boy made him melt like ice cream under the hot summer sun: the way Reki still held onto him so tightly, almost as if he were afraid Langa would disappear if he let go of him, the way he hooked his chin over Langa’s shoulder, the way his hair brushed against Langa’s cheek, tickling him in the process. Everything, every little thing that made Reki so Reki, it had Langa falling a little more. Everything was enough for him to know that this was right.

“C’mon, let's get you fed.”

Reki’s arms fell from Langa’s waist as he peeled himself off of Langa. His fingers trailed down the boy’s arm until their palms were flush against each other. The feeling of Reki’s calloused fingertips against his skin left a trail of sparks, yet another new sensation for Lagna to process. It was new, completely new, but never would it get old. Never would Reki’s touch get old to Langa, no matter how many years would pass, that he was sure of. And as their fingers intertwined, a smile pulled at the corners of Langa’s mouth. He could get used to the feeling of Reki’s hand in his. Even if he knew his hands would get sweaty real fast, as long as Reki wasn’t pulling away, Langa wouldn’t be letting go of that hand. He would not be letting go of Reki, not now, not ever.

“Holding hands isn’t a competition, Langa. You don’t need to hold on so tightly. You’re not gonna win anything even if your grip is stronger than mine.”

Reki’s voice was playful as he bumped Langa’s shoulder with his own. His smile was evident just from his tone and for a moment, Langa’s hold on the boy’s hand loosened. Just for a moment though; as soon as Reki gave Langa’s hand a squeeze, his grip tightened once more.

“Langa!”

“No letting go.”

“I—” Reki rolled his eyes, scoffing a little. “Dude, I wasn’t letting go!”

“Good. Because,” a surge of confidence flowed through Langa as he pulled Reki against him, their hands still clasped together, “mine. No one can take you away from me.”

A little chuckle filled the air as Reki buried his nose in Langa’s shoulder, drawing his attention toward the added weight. It was barely noticeable, but under the red fluff poked out a hint of pink, a color that always looked so pretty on Reki. Reki always looked so pretty when he blushed, no matter what the reason was.

“Don’t worry, dude. All yours. Infinitely.”

Words shouldn’t have had that effect on Langa. His heart shouldn’t have been flipping in his chest at the simple mention of infinity. Infinity was a possibility, a real possibility now. They could be together infinitely. It was them against the world; it was them, hand in hand, against every obstacle. It was Reki and Langa, Reki and Langa infinitely.

“I… Reki?”

The boy hummed, lifting his head to look where he was called. And as soon as the amber met the blue, both fell in sync as they always did. Langa barely had time to lean down before Reki was squeezing his eyes shut and pushing himself up to meet Langa halfway

. They were a team, through and through. They were a team, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be at least a little bit of teasing as Langa pulled back, pressing a quick kiss to Reki’s cheek before calling for Emily who had been hanging back, once more on her phone, doing whatever it was that girls did on their phone.

From the corner of his eye, Langa could see Reki pouting. He looked childish with his little frown and pulled eyebrows, but it didn’t make him any less cute to Langa. A little more and Langa would have genuinely thought that he was mad at him, his little glare pointed at the boy. And if there was any truth to the way he was staring at Langa, then may he would become a clingy boyfriend. Maybe he’d be the type of boyfriend to ask for kisses, once in the morning, one at night, and so many more between. Not that Langa minded. They hadn’t shared many kisses but from the few they had shared, Langa was already certain that he liked kissing Reki. He really liked kissing Reki and he was willing to give Reki all the kisses he would want. Whenever, wherever.

“Tease.”

Langa chuckled once again as Reki huffed annoyedly. The red of his cheeks and ears had darkened even more, fully revealed instead of hidden behind his hair. And the more Reki burned, the more Langa felt pleased with himself. Not only was Reki adorable, but it also happened to be a lot of fun teasing the boy.

“You better get used to it because,” another kiss to Reki’s flushing cheeks, another kiss to make him even redder, “you happen to be very cute when you’re flustered. Gotta enjoy that as much as I can.”

“And,” arms pushed the two boys apart by the shoulders, Emily squeezing herself between them, “you two are actually so gross when you flirt. Which, mind you, you’ve been doing ever since I first stepped foot in this damn country!”

Another burst of laughter, always more laughter. It was impossible to not laugh when it was the three of them. Every little thing, every little smile, every little glance, everything was worthy of a giggle, a chuckle, or even a snort. Everything was worth laughing about as they made their way down to the closest fast-food restaurant, shoving at each other like children.

Things were good. Finally, things were really good. Everything had fallen into place, after so long, and Langa couldn’t have been happier. He could finally hold Reki’s hand, kiss his cheek as he stuffed far too many fries into his mouth, stare at him with the most awed and lovestruck look, and no one could stop him. And he could watch and chuckle to himself as his best friend and cousin argued over dumb things, like what was the superior ice cream flavor or which superhero was the strongest. Langa could finally just be himself, no more panicked, no more scares. He could be himself, full of happiness and full of feelings. He didn’t have to feel out of place anymore. He didn’t have to worry about being lonely. He had his two best friends. Heh ad two wonderful people that he loved with all his heart.

Despite the summer having finally rolled around, schoolwork never stopped, which kind of sucked. There were no more of those summers where Langa would just lounge around the house, watching cable television while his parents worked. There were no more summers spent at his grandparents, summers he would spend playing in their yard. There were no more summers free of school work; Japan hadn’t caught on that the hot months of the year were supposed to be spent not thinking about school. Or maybe it was that there was so little summer heat in Canada – unlike in Japan where it was just constantly hot – that the people in charge of the education system decided to enjoy their summers not working. Langa never really got why summer meant vacation, but that wasn’t his problem. Not anymore at least, now that he had to spend his summer doing homework.

Thankfully, he had Reki to share his homework with. That was if the boy had any intentions of working on their assignments before the last day of break. Knowing Reki, he was most likely going to repeat last summer and rush through everything, resulting in a week’s worth of detention due to the poor quality of his work. And as much as Langa hated the idea of working on assignments, he wasn’t ready to miss out on a week worth of fun just because Reki hated schoolwork even more than he did.

“An hour a day. We agreed on an hour a day to get your grades up.”

“Not like yours are that much better than mine.”

Reki’s voice had been muffled by the textbook still resting on his face. If he stayed like that any longer, Langa would have expected the ink from the pages to have imprinted itself onto the boy’s face, but before he could even entertain the idea of studying off of Reki’s cheeks, he flipped onto his stomach with yet another groan. It looked almost painful for him to do, but once he was comfortable again on his floor, the textbook neatly tucked under his folded arms and chin, Reki let his eyes skirt over the words. He was back to work.

For five minutes. Reki had lasted five minutes before falling asleep, snoring softly into the gutter of his math book. The hums that usually filled the air as they studied together had been replaced by a steady breath, a sound Langa had grown far too accustomed to over the course of the year of impromptu sleepovers. It was just easier to crash in the same room after a night spent at S. It saved Reki the detour of dropping Langa off. It allowed them to catch a few extra minutes of sleep before the morning alarm started to blare in their ears. Or at least that was what Langa told himself.

With a sigh, Langa set his own book aside to poke Reki in the side. The boy yelped as he jumped, grabbing his waist in an attempt to avoid being poked again.

“Dude! What the hell? Don’t just… Don’t do that!”

“You fell asleep.”

“Yeah well, I… Maybe I need the rest! We’re supposed to be on break, after all.” A smile curled onto Langa’s lips as Reki flopped to the side, still whining. “Can’t we go out and skate instead? This is so boring.”

Langa sighed, slumping his back against Reki’s bedframe. His eyes didn’t shift away from the body on the floor, his eyes trailing across the sun-kissed skin, his gaze forming constellations with the pale freckles that ornated Reki’s face. Or at least, he did so until he noticed what he was doing. Quickly, he shook his head, the words he had meant to say finally tumbling out.

“I can’t today. My mom is going to kill me if I don’t show Emmy around like I promised.”

Reki shifted on the floor, slumping his back against his closet door to face Langa. The short-lived nap must have gotten to the boy, his eyes a little duller than usual as he stared at Langa. They lacked their usual shine of excitement, instead seeming a little foggy.

“Your girlfriend?”

“Cousin, Reki. She’s my cousin.” Langa shook his head at the boy. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that she’s my cousin and not my girlfriend.”

 Had he lacked the self-control, Langa would have muttered something about being too gay to have a girlfriend, but instead, Langa bit his tongue and simply watched Reki squirm across from him. Maybe he should have said something. Maybe if he had said it, Reki would stop assuming every girl in his life was his girlfriend. It was always “How is it possible that you, Prince Langa, haven’t at least had a girlfriend back in Canada?” and never why he didn’t have a boyfriend. Then again, it may have been rude to assume someone was gay.

 Langa huffed, thinking back to the time he had managed to render Reki speechless. It didn’t often happen, but with just enough confidence, he was capable of anything, even rendering Reki speechless. It was a surprising moment, really; he hadn’t done much besides lean closer to Reki with a smirk, asking him if he was jealous of the girl who had just asked him out. He hadn’t expected such a strong reaction from Reki, flames taking over his face as his eyes grew wide, his voice cracking over fragments of words and stammering worse than usual before stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and kicking his skateboard into motion. He had rarely raced off so quickly and Langa swore he heard Reki mutter something resembling a yes, but that must have been wishful thinking. If Reki were to be jealous, it wasn’t of the girl; he, too, deserved to be asked out and gifted chocolates and love confessions every other week, even if the thought of it made Langa’s stomach twist.

“Can I come with?” Langa blinked at the boy who was once again sprawled across the floor. “I’m just so bored at home!”

Langa shrugged, closing his textbook. Thinking he’d get any extra work done was purely hopeful and naïve thinking. “Sure, but Emmy’s not exactly… fluent in Japanese.”

“Neither are you.” There was a beat of silence. Then Reki sat up again. “Wait, no. You’re pretty fluent, just…” Reki reached out, his fingers curling around one of Langa’s notebooks and flipping through the pages. “You write like shit, dude. How do you even revise with these notes?”

Heat formed under Langa’s cheeks as he snatched his notebook back. “I’m not that bad!”

 “Pretty sure the twins have better handwriting than you and they’re not even in school yet!”

“You know what?” Langa got up, half-glaring at Reki as he messily stuffed his homework back into his bag. “No, no you can’t come. You’re going to have to deal with your boredom all on your own.”

“No!” Arms wrapped around the boy’s ankles, not letting him move away from the body on the floor. “C’mon! Don’t be like that! I’m sorry! I’m just teasing!”

Sometimes, Langa’s cold exterior came in handy. It took a lot for him to crack, no matter how badly he wanted to smile or laugh. He was more than aware that Reki was just teasing him – not that he was wrong; Langa’s handwriting really was shit – but part of him wanted him to feel at least a little bit bad. Nothing major, not for too long – he wasn’t evil after all – but just for a bit. Or maybe he was evil. Was it evil to purposefully make your best friend feel bad after he just insulted your handwriting? Langa didn’t know; he had never had friends who would tease him the way Reki did.

“C’mon dude, please? Please let me come?”

“Fine.” A smile finally blossomed across Langa’s face as Reki let go of his ankles. “But I’m not translating your endless rambles about boards. You go way too fast and the words are just gonna…”

The softness of Reki’s smile as he got up to be eye level with Langa almost made him melt. “I know, man. I know you have a hard time switching between languages.”

Reki was always so understanding. While his brain was constantly buzzing, ideas bouncing around at the speed of light, Langa’s seemed to shut down at the most unfortunate times. Whenever he needed it to work for him, such as when he was put on the spot and was expected to give an answer, it just decided to go on vacation, leaving him a silent, panicking mess. Or at least, he felt like a panicking mess; others, more often than not, either assumed he was too cool to be answering questions or that he was a total airhead, which he guessed was fair. Maybe he was a little bit of an airhead at times, but most of the time, it was just his brain refusing to cooperate with him. Most of the time, it was the anxiety, or maybe it was just all those high expectations. Regardless of what it was, all he knew was that when someone asked him for an answer, he froze up.

A few people had asked how it was that he was so bad at everything except skateboarding, but he hadn’t given them an answer. Except for Reki. He had answered Reki, but that was probably because Reki had been gentler when asking how it was possible for Langa to know all the answers when it came to skateboarding. And he had answered honestly: he didn’t think then he was skating. He was good at it because he didn’t think; everything went so fast, he didn’t have time to think. He just acted, all his answers for himself and himself alone. He didn’t need to be in someone else’s head when finding answers. He just had to do what felt right to him. Nobody expected anything of him, nothing except what he normally did which was what he wanted.

Skateboarding was easy. People… not so much.

“Quit overthinking this. I’m sure we’ll manage something. And if not, we’ll just mime stuff at each other until we get each other.”

A light chuckle escaped Langa as Reki mimed miming, his arms waving through the air. He had no idea what the boy was trying to communicate with his charade, but neither one lingered too much on that. Instead, he calmed, his focus suddenly lingering on the small point of contact between the two boys, the warmth of Reki’s body against his.

“You know,” his voice was back to its usual coolness, though he could feel a stutter on the tip of his tongue, “there is this thing called a translator app. Not perfect, but better than me.”

“Aw, man, don’t be so hard on yourself!” Reki leaned even more into Langa, his head on the boy’s shoulder. “I’m sure you’re gonna be a great translator!”

As Reki peeled himself off of Langa, the warmth dissipated almost immediately, leaving Langa cold once more. Despite the sun beaming down on all of Okinawa, Langa still felt cold when Reki wasn’t next to him, touching him, cuddling him. It wasn’t weird for best friends to cuddle, was it? People could cuddle platonically, right? It had to be a thing. Girls did it all the time at school, all huddled together, some on each other's laps, arms linked as they giggled together. So it wasn’t weird to have Reki cuddled into his side while they watched skateboarding videos, buried under blankets, in the dead of the night.

“C’mon, man! You’re zoning out on me again! Race you to your place?”

Langa blinked a few times before giving him a curt nod, dropping his skateboard and pushing off after Reki. He wasn’t going to think about cuddling Reki. Nope. No way. Not happening.

Once again, it wasn’t hard to spot the girl sitting on the curb of the road. Her blond hair shone under the hot summer sun, bright against the dull color of the apartment building. Her phone screen also helped with the shine, rays of sunlight reflecting off of it as she continued scrolling mindlessly. If Langa had to describe the girl, phone-addict was one of the first things he’d say; she didn’t do much other than scroll through the countless apps she had. Really, all she did was pull her knees to her chest and stare at a screen all day, which was probably why Langa’s mother had asked for him to take her out for the day.

At the sound of the screeching wheels of two skateboards coming to a halt, Emily lifted her head, seeming a little disoriented. She blinked at them, as if not recognizing the boy in front of her, but as soon as the connections were made in her brain, a grin broke across her face as she bounced up.

“About time you got here! I’ve been–!”

Brown eyes flickered towards Reki, a color breaking across her cheeks as she bit her lower lip. Her fingers picked and pulled at her phone case, a nervousness so uncharacteristic from the girl Langa remembered from his childhood, and yet, it made him bite back a smile.

“Hello, I mean,” she fumbled with her words and her phone, worse than Langa had on his arrival in Japan. “Hello,” she repeated in highly English-accented Japanese.

A cold sweat swept over Langa. As much as he wanted to laugh at the girl and her struggles, he was suddenly more concerned and aware of his own presence. Was he to play translator or was he supposed to let her try and communicate on her own? Was it rude to let her struggle or would it be ruder to cut her off and just tell her that he’d translate whatever she said? Had it been a mistake to let Reki join him today? Should he have told him that he was busy and couldn’t come with him?

“Hello, I… I hope I not…” Reki leaned closer, whispering to Langa in his native Japanese. “How do you say ‘intruding’ in English?”

“Bother.” The English rolled off of his tongue far more naturally than the Japanese ever did despite having spent years speaking it and having lived in Japan for the past year. “I hope I’m not bothering.”

“Bot–! Bot… I…” Reki grinned, pointing at Langa. The clunky attempt at English was quickly replaced by a smooth Japanese. “That! Whatever Langa said, that.”

It would have been easy to have ignored the situation, make nothing of it. Nothing spectacular had happened, after all; Reki had tried to speak English just as Emily had attempted to speak Japanese. Except everything had happened and Langa felt like he could just die. And not just because he would have to play interpreter between Reki and Emily.

It was ridiculous, really. It had no business making his heart skip a beat in his chest the way it did. It wasn’t even like it was the first time he was hearing Reki try to speak English! And yet, here Langa was, the corners of his eyes prickling with potential tears, the urge to curl up in a ball on the ground, knees pressed to his chest, stopped by the mere fact that he was not dramatic by nature.

Reki was cute. Reki was absolutely adorable and it was going to kill Langa. His accent was everything, an accent Langa had never really noticed since Reki never spoke English aside from the couple of words he had to utter during English classes. And Langa had never really thought about speaking English with Reki; the most that would happen would be him turning a word over in his mouth until he found the Japanese translation. He had never seen Reki try so hard to communicate in a langue that wasn’t his own, the concentration so visible on his face as he tried to repeat the words Langa had given him. And when the sheepish grin spread across his face as he gave up? That was it. Langa was gone. Langa was lost to the brightness of the boy, to his ridiculously adorable ways. How was it possible that he had somehow gotten even cuter than he already was?

“Hey, Langa?” Emily’s voice drew Langa back to reality, her fingers curled around his forearm. “You good there? You look like you’re about to have a panic attack.”

“Cute attack actually.”

The words were already out by the time Langa was clasping his hands over his mouth, eyes widened with shame. It was too late; there was no taking them back now. They were out for the world to hear rather than in the safe space in the corner of his mind. His deepest, most embarrassing thoughts had been verbalized, and there was no doubt about that given the way Emily was biting her lip, failing to conceal her laughter.

“You…” A snort escaped the girl, her laughter falling like a waterfall now. “You have it so bad! How have you not slipped up yet?”

“This is your fault!” Heat rose to Langa’s cheeks as he hissed at the girl. “This is all your fault! You—!"

The corner of Langa’s eyes caught on a wisp of red, red that drew him in as always. Amber eyes had been cast down, staring at his fingers picking at the fraying hem of his sleeve. There was a shadow over Reki’s usual brightness, a shadow Langa had learned to quickly notice. It came with the tugging of sleeves, something Reki only did when he was uncomfortable. Something he only did when he felt unwanted. Something he only did when he felt out of place, the last thing Langa wanted him to ever feel; Reki should never feel out of place next to Langa.

“Reki?”

“It’s okay, Langa. I… I’ll just go home. I’m sure I can do something for my mom and you, well, it’ll be easier for you.” He forced a smile as his eyes met Langa’s. The grin looked as fragile as Langa’s heart. “You’ll come around later? Or like, you’ll text me tonight?”

“No.” A pause. Downcast eyes and slender fingers grabbing for the soft yellow fabric. “Yes. No, Reki. Please.” The eyes rose like sunshine in the morning, pulling a grateful smile from Langa. “Please don’t go. I… I want you here.”

“And,” the voice was shaky but held a lot more confidence than what Langa had mustered up all those months ago when he first arrived in the new country, “I understand. Just… Just go slow please?”

The Japanese words were slow and slightly butchered by an English accent, but still, they left a pool of relief in Langa’s chest. He wouldn’t have to translate everything, all the back and forth between Emily and Reki. He wouldn’t have to play interpreter, a job he knew he was terrible at. He’d just get to sit back and listen, something he enjoyed quite a bit; talking was such a tiring thing.

“When’d you…”

The question wasn’t fully out by the time Emily was looking at him, her eyebrow arched, some sort of invitation for Langa to finish his sentence. She often did that, looking at him in a way that meant “go on, I dare you.” But Langa knew better. He knew she knew the rest of the question without needing him to spell it out for her. She was good at predicting what would come next; or maybe Langa was predictable when it came to his questions.

“I’ve been practicing a bit.”

The girl shrugged as she turned on her heel, turning her attention to Reki. So that was why she was using a lot more words than he remembered her knowing. And sure, they weren’t perfect, far from Reki’s native Japanese, but it was nonetheless impressive to Langa. After all, out of the two, he was by far the more “Japanese” one.

Back in Canada, he was the one that people went to when looking for a “foreign” kid, despite his light hair and blue eyes. He was the one people heard speak Japanese with his parents. He was the one that had weird things in his lunches, which now that he thought about it, weren’t even that weird. He was the one that looked the most Asian when he stood next to Emily, Emily with her big brown eyes and her glistening blond hair. Out of the two, he was the one that had embraced the Asian heritage a lot more. Or maybe, he just grew up in an environment where being Asian didn’t mean being a freak. Or maybe he was just used to being alone while Emily hated it. Who really knew.

None of that really mattered anyway. They weren’t grade-school kids back in North America anymore. They weren’t the strange kids that didn’t look like the others anymore. Well, yes, they still were, but they were older and it didn’t really matter anymore. What mattered right now was that Emily had her arm looped with Reki’s, her shoulder pressed to his as they walked ahead, chatting like old friends. Fragments of Japanese and English words filled the air, both stumbling over the language they still struggled with. Reki still mostly answered in Japanese, his flow simply slowed down quite a bit in hopes of Emily grasping at least a part of the meaning of his words, while she simply repeated English words over and over again until the Japanese equivalent made its way on her tongue. They both made such efforts to understand each other, eyes bright as they went back and forth. Both seemed so happy in each other’s company that now, it was Langa’s turn to feel out of place. It was his turn to stand back, kicking rocks as he followed them like a sad puppy.

“So, any lucky girls in your life?”

If he hadn’t been grasping the words thrown around before, this series of words didn’t fly high over his head. These ones struck a chord within him. These words had been unmissable and unmistakably Emily’s attempt at getting fresh gossip. She was going to badger Reki until someone snapped, though it was unclear in Langa’s mind who would snap first.

“Emily…”

His voice was low and warning, a tone he hadn’t heard out of himself in ages, and yet, it didn’t chill the girl the way it had chilled him. If anything, she looked amused at his tone, grinning over her shoulder as her eyes twinkled. As always, there was that mischief, mischief that scared Langa more than he could ever scare her.

“Cool it, Twig Boy.” Slick English filled the air, her words like a song unlike the clunkiness of her Japanese. “I ain’t tryin’ to steal your man. Just trying to figure him out, y’know?”

She shot him a wink which made his stomach turn. She knew what she was doing to him, no doubt about it. She knew he hated every moment of this. She knew the power she had over him, the power to drive him to insanity. And yet, she didn’t make any sign of stopping. If anything, she did the opposite, turning to Reki with a grin.

The boy glanced awkwardly between the two. Confusion glazed his eyes, a look which normally would have worried Langa but left him with unnatural relief. By his look, there was no way he had understood the English. He was left in the dark. He was left at Emily’s mercy.

“Well?” She leaned into him, her blonde locks nearly mingling with the wild red wisps. “Girls? Pretty ones? Interesting ones?”

Reki’s eyes grew wide before softening again and falling to the ground in front of him, vanishing from Langa’s view.

“Ah, well…”

Langa had seen that movement a thousand times already, but never did he get used to it. His eyes always followed the freckled skin, the calloused fingers as they reached for Reki’s neck, rubbing the spot sheepishly. Who knew what the boy’s face looked like; was he blushing? Was he thinking about some of the pretty girls from around town, from school, from S? Langa would have loved to know what Reki was thinking, who he was thinking of, but Reki’s mind was a forbidden place. No one but Reki was allowed into his thoughts.

“No, not really. I… I don’t know? I mean, I, I haven’t really had time to think about girls? With skating and school and all that? My mom’s not super happy about my grades, so I can’t go ‘round thinking ‘bout girls all the time, y’know?”

A nervous chuckle fell from Reki’s lips as he glanced back at Langa. Big amber eyes shot a shiver down Langa’s spine as a relieved sigh left his lips. No girls. Reki wasn’t thinking about girls, not that Langa wasn’t aware of this. Or rather, Reki had never brought one up to him and Langa, perhaps naively, believed it meant that none had caught his eye.

There only ever had been boards for Reki; it was all he would gush about. It was always “Look at the shape of this one!” or “The colors look freaking awesome when you flip this one!” and never… whatever it was that straight boys said about girls. Girls had never been an issue, and Langa couldn’t have been more thankful. He had no idea what he would have done if Reki had confided in him about a crush on some girl in their class. Or one of the older girls that S. Was Reki maybe into older girls? He talked to a lot of girls their age but never mentioned any, but he rarely talked to the older ones under the harsh midnight lights at S. Maybe he was too shy around them because he found them pretty. Or maybe he—

“What about boys?”

“Emily!”

The name tumbled out of Langa’s mouth quicker than his mind was going. Reki wasn’t into any girls, he had just confirmed that despite Langa’s racing thoughts. Reki was still just Reki, his Reki, his best friend. But such a confirmation didn’t mean that he had any interest in guys! Emily was just being annoyingly nosy, asking inappropriate questions to someone she essentially just met.

“What?”

She had that shit-eating grin on her face again, the one Langa knew too well, the one that more often than not made his cheeks burn bright. There was no blaming the sun for this one; the blush was there, probably a deep crimson, and it was definitely that she-devil’s fault. It was her fault and… and… It was her fault because she couldn’t ask Reki questions like that! They were uncalled for and inappropriate! And Reki absolutely did not need to answer or—

“No? I mean, I don’t know? I…” Reki rubbed his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie, the yellow bright like the sun, the yellow giving his pretty face a glow like the setting sun. “I haven’t thought about it?”

The hesitation in Reki’s voice made Langa’s heart skip a beat. What was it doing there? Reki didn’t have to seem bashful or anything about it; he could have easily just said no and moved on with his life. But it was there, clear as day, clear as the blush that Langa tried desperately to make disappear. Perhaps he had just misunderstood the question. Maybe that hesitation stemmed from him trying to decipher what Emily was trying to say to him rather than a consideration of what she was saying, since he didn’t like boys. It was just obvious: Reki did not like boys, at least not the same way Langa did. Reki liked girls and that was that.

“Do you—”

“How about,” Langa squeezed between the two, pushing Emily away a little forcefully. She stumbled next to him, snapping her mouth shut as her words vanished from existence. She shot him a look that Langa ignored, simply grabbing both Reki and Emily by the wrists and dragging them along. “How about we go grab something to eat? Since I’m supposed to be a tour guide, we might as well—”

“Explore what you know best?”

Emily burst out laughing at Reki’s proud grin. And Langa couldn’t even bring himself to be mad at the boy; he was right after all. All he really knew was where he could fill his stomach. All he really knew were the places where he and Reki fit in best, sunken deep into an old booth, two best friends sharing a carton of fries and occasionally some sickly-sweet drink at the crack of dawn.

 “Let’s just go.”

The words were accompanied by a sigh, but the smile didn’t even try to cover itself. How could Langa try to seem frustrated when Reki was smiling like that? How could he even dare try to seem annoyed when Reki was there? It was impossible to try and act like he would have rather be alone.

And Reki, he didn’t seem like he was less excited at the prospect of getting food with his best friend. Or with Emily. Who knew who Reki was more excited about, not that Langa would try to pull the answer out of the boy. Emily, on the hand, still seemed ready to go fishing for more information, yet another thing Langa wouldn’t allow to happen.