#steviewashere

I've hit a new low in my mental health this year. I've been depressed and miserable to put it simply. There's a whole concoction of other things to say in that, but there's still going to be a boundary as to what all of you know. We are strangers after all, as much as I call a lot of you my friends, there still needs to be some sort of safety net here. Anyway, life has sucked. It's sucked a lot. There's some fics I've written over the years where Steve or Eddie is majorly depressed and dealing with suicidal thoughts, suicidal tendencies, suicide—I'm at that point in my life, I've been considering a lot of harmful things again and it's just not good. Obviously it's not good, but the frequency of these thoughts this last year has not lightened in any sort of way, I feel like I'm back at square one, back at December of 2022, staring down the blade of a knife I was too scared to gesture anywhere; and I've written about that, the knife and shit, some of you know my struggle with this, the fact I even survived those thoughts three years ago. But those thoughts are back. They are back and they are heavier this time and they are stickier this time. No matter how much I write, how much I read, how much I run towards my escapism—I am always back at those thoughts by the next time I blink.

Things in my home life are stressing those thoughts. Giving reason to those thoughts. And I refuse to let that happen. So, I've been exploring avenues of how exactly I can get out of this house, get away from the people causing the worst, and find some sort of breathing room. I found something.

Over the next month, I might be very sparse on here. It's gonna just be me offline, cleaning up my shitty depression room, condensing my things to what matters most, and packing up. If things go the way I'm thinking, I should be able to move some time early this next year.

I have some amazing offline friends who are actively helping me leave. We made a priorities list—which, yeah, feels sort of babyish, but I didn't realize how much I actually needed it. I've filled out an application for affordable housing. I've got places of work I'm looking into. And even if the affordable housing stuff isn't immediately approved or whatever, I know I have space with these friends. For the first time in a very long while, there's something for me to look forward to.

The reason I'm telling you all this is just to say, like, hey if I disappear off the internet for the next few months, it's because things are happening in my life to make this plan work. I'll also be focusing on a few Steddie related writing projects, just to give myself something relaxing to do between days where I'm cleaning and packing and throwing shit away. So, I'm not done with fanfiction or Tumblr or any of this.

I did not expect my Tumblr and AO3 community to come to matter so much to me, I really didn't. I started writing fanfic because I thought I had a few good ideas, and then I realized it helped a lot with getting frustrations out about my real life. It's been really great to have readers that frequent my works, who come to chat here on Tumblr, have people who will sit with me for hours and build an idea for some Steve Harrington centric fic. It's probably really silly that at the crux of a lot of this is my fanfic writing—I mean, fanfic, out of all things?—but I love this hobby. I love what I've been able to do, how I've improved on my writing, how I've had something to stick myself to even when things go south everywhere else.

I've never lived on my own before. I haven't had my own bedroom in like two decades. I thought I was done moving for a long, long time, but I guess not. But I'm really excited to get out of here as soon as I can.

Oregon's been home for me. I was born here, my siblings were born here, my parents were born here and they also died here. All of the family that's ever mattered, they all live here. My friends, the few that I still talk to from high school, most of them are still here. I'm nervous, for one thing. I'm sad, for another. This is my home, y'know, and I didn't want to leave it for some time yet, but where I'm going will be so much better for me.

Hey, maybe when things calm down, I'll write a fanfic based on all this. Like I tend to do, right?

So, yeah, my Tumblr and AO3 and things, they aren't going to be top priority for me for a little bit. I'll still be on here, lurking and reblogging, giving my shit ideas probably late at night. But things are steadfastly moving, too. I think most of us are adults here, we can all just state the obvious that my real life and my mental health take priority here.

I've never put myself first before, like, ever. I've been a protector a lot, I'm the older sibling for crying out loud. I've taken the brunt of any and all anger my parents—mainly my shit stepdad—have had over the years. I've been the responsible one for along time, which I intend to still be responsible, but it's just...different. I've had to be mature and independent for a very long time in my life, but I'm glad to hopefully let this incoming independence be different, too.

It's been a miserable month, and yesterday was the worst of it. I thought I had one way out via suicide literally, like, no less than fifteen hours ago. And I took the plunge, finally called up my friends and just laid everything out: life sucks, I'm at a low, these are my thoughts, and I don't know what to do to better help myself. I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I have friends that are able to help me, who have connections in the right places, and are willing to literally drive down from out out of state and help me pick up everything I've got and just leave.

I didn't think I'd have to make a post like this, honestly ever.

But I think it's a good thing. Call your friends when shit gets bad, it's hard and I nearly threw up thinking about calling them, but I knew that I either had to or I wasn't going to make it through the night. So I gotta make it through this. I gotta make it through this because I still have a lot of shit to do in my life; and I can't let my shitty stepdad win out on this, let him be the self-satisfied jackass that he's been since I was seven years old.

I'm not disappearing by any means, but I'm not going to be as active as I thought (even if my Tumblr says I'm active, it's because I just always have the tab open). I'm not going to do anything to fuck myself over right now, there's no point when there's still a few things to look towards to before moving: Stranger Things ending, the fics I'll get to read, Christmas in a couple weeks, that new Tomodachi Life game in the spring of next year. Listen, the things that I'm looking towards to are small and probably unimportant to a good majority of people, but I don't want to disappear before these things happen. And hopefully, by the time that Tomodachi Life game comes out, I'll be somewhere better, happier, and just a little more free.