#steventodd

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Adult life is scary. Every time you’re getting your shit together and getting more stable a crisis comes up and kills it. I want to combat that by just rolling into the wave and still having a good time while shit gets scary.

That being said I’m now seriously looking for a job and thats exciting. I’m ready for a fresh start. School helps me feel progress. It’s fake but it’s nice. This is gonna be a really hard year but maybe we’ll make it pretty cool.

I switched to spotify to save money but also to do that playlist thing up there. I liked how the other format looked because you got to see some cool colors from the album art and that’s kind of lost here. I’ve started to try and take more pictures so I’m gonna start adding those to these. I think it’ll seperate the music from my rambling after.

I’ll make two posts from now on, one with the music, one with my ramble s. there we go. it’s settled. wow that was easy.

and ill post some pics.

if you were to look at my blog like two months ago, i didn't really blog pictures of girls. at all. movie stars every once and a while but not nearly close to the same scale that ive progressed to. and the reason i didnt was for that exact reason. i didnt want anyone around me looking at what people find pretty and wanting to fit into that or feel worse about what they are. because it happens to me. i work out and all but i cant nearly match what i see on tumblr with my life style. like i see these guys with arms bigger than my head and all the pictures of people with abs and you sort of look over and go blah. but whatever. my point is i understand that. but id like to think that theres something different about the girls that i blog on tumblr. but there probably isnt. i myself am not really attracted to the commercial idea of beauty. i like pretty eyes and cute face before i give a fuck about how skinny a girl is, her boobs, or her ass. granted, i do like those things, i'm human. but the beauty that really stands out to me, that i would like to walk up to and get to know, is more of a natural kind. i like a girl that's herself and doesnt cover that part up with trying to be more commercial. when i reblog a girl on tumblr it's either because, the photo looks fantastic from a photographers stand point, she's an actress i like for who she is and how she looks, or she has a really pretty face. everything else is like extra. but i think that its a little silly to let peoples commercial taste dictate weather or not you see they're real taste. i think if a guy says that you're beautiful, but on his blog or on twitter or what ever you see a picture of emma stone or zooey, it probably doesn't mean that you're on a level lower than them. but rather on the same level or higher. 

speaking for myself, i don't toss words around. i tell who i really feel is beautiful that they are just that. i happen to mean it. and that's sort of the way i approach that situation.

im worried about a lot of things. i need a fucking job. and like the real world is here and i need to fucking wake up and get it done. it scares me but i am actually trying now. im worried about my friendships. for some i just cant relate to the person people are becoming. and maybe its me thats changing. i dont know. i miss abby a lot. since summer started we havent really talked. i mean i think this is my fault for something else that happened. but like i dont know. im sure its being moved past. thats not the real issue. i get like sad. a lot. and panicy. and i sit here and ill tweet something and ill expect her to come running. but obviously thats just not how things work. people cant be expected of anything like that. i sit and sometimes i dont say anything at all and i wait for some sort of like long text goodnight but it doesnt come. and it shouldnt. 

our friendship is weird anyway. i mean its fantastic but its an interesting mix. i mean we dont talk about everything because we always sort of know. we get along that way. we dont need to be around eachother or to text eachother every second of the day or whatever, but we're always comfortable knowing we are what we are. i mean when i fall asleep she's still my best friend. no matter what the day was or whatever. its just that way. and we dont really write about eachother. like we dont get sappy on the internet or in public about anything. because we sort of just know. in fact, this is probably the first ive ever written in detail about that whole thing. its weird. i mean its fantastic. but weird. i think i started this post complaining about something but now im just praising the whole existence. and i am. its true. im more grateful than anything.

but that doesnt neglect the existence of problems. or things that are bothersome. im not a very good friend. or at least i could be better. and im working on it. but im also not treated the greatest either. im not asking for anything with this, but im like just not. it's just a fact. i appreciate what i get but theres always a weird line drawn where people decide what they deserve and what they dont. and i cant be the one to draw the line on what i deserve. so i just keep quiet. i just think sometimes i deserve more than all of this. for the record im not talking about anyone or anything specifically right now. this applies to all things currently. 

anyway, i keep letting people down. i'm sure. friends im close to and those that im not. i have a responsibility to be better for these people and i havent been. ive only been mediocre. and i need to fix that. for everyone. so im trying. please believe me.

i think my biggest issue in my life or the biggest i complain about is my lack of any consistency. and again, nothing specific. just everything. with all friends and with all shit in general. now i'm going to bitch for a second because i can, girls. oh girls. im aware i dont need a relationship. im aware it isnt that important. but im a person and i have wants that i should be free to express. with all the girls ive had in my life, all that ive liked, no one has even fucking liked me at a consistent level. like me one day but not the next. this week. this sentence, that text, but never actually genuinely liked me for an amount of time. maybe this happens all the time and im bitching about status-quo. but all the girls that ive liked, or genuinely liked, ive spent so much time on. so much time that its still going. that i am still open to any of the girls who i laid out my heart for. that even though they've kept me waiting or how ever you would say it, rather than leaving, im still here. i am. im open. theres the girls that you would leave anyone your with for. and my heart is open for them when they're ready. because each of them sort of rubs their feet on the carpet and i roll it back out. and they take a few steps and entertain me. then they move to the left and walk off it. it's a constant ebbing and flowing. but never knowing when to flow or to ebb. it's insane. im dying and im hurt, but i live. and will live. im done complaining. and im more or so just talking about it.

i need to get on with my life and meet some new people and connect with those that matter. get a job, get on with it all. i like talking to some of the newer people ive made a bigger part of my life now. and wouldnt mind making people more important to me. but theres always the stars.