#stercus

We normally wouldn’t post our own writing here, as it goes against our rules, but today we’re making an exception.  This is our co-written contribution to the @xfficchallenges dialogue only challenge.  We may or may not have gotten a little drunk last night, and this is the result.  We hope you think it’s as hilarious as we did, because we couldn’t stop laughing.

Authors: @kateyes224 and @piecesofscully Timeline: Season 6, somewhere in the middle of Texas. Rated: PG-13 (for coarse language and potty humor)

“...and my informant promised me he’d meet us at the rendezvous with the photographs he took of the UFO.  I’m really excited about this, Scully, this is the first legitimate sighting I’ve come across since Antarctica, and I just...Scully, are you okay?  You’re not looking super hot.”

“I’m fine. Just feeling a little queasy.  Keep going; since Antarctica?”

“Oh, since Antarctica there have been only a half dozen or so sightings that have been anywhere near legitimate, and I’ve been thinking, would someone in Roswell, New Mexico, be more likely or less-”

“Mulder, does the air conditioning go any higher?”

“Uh, no, I think it’s at the highest setting.  Anyway, Roswell has been a notorious hotbed for UFO activity since the 1940s, as you know, but lately sightings have been more sporadic-”

“Can you, um, oh wow, could you roll down the window or something?”

“Scully, it’s like 115 degrees outside.  It’s way cooler inside the car than it is outside.  Is something wrong?”

“No! No, I just, is it hot in here? It feels really hot in here.  How many more miles until we reach the next rest area?”

“Uhhh, I think I remember a sign about fifty miles back that said it’d be another fifty miles.  Why?  Are you okay, Scully?”

“Do you have any Tums?  I mean, with the garbage that you consume on a daily basis, I assume you carry some sort of antacids.  Give me one.”

“I’m sorry, Scully, I don’t usually need them.  I’ve, uh, I’ve been blessed with kind of a rock solid gut.  Which is really great for me, given my proclivity for gas station sushi and Velveeta.”

“Oh, my God.  It’s rolling.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It’s my...wow, it’s my stomach.  I knew I shouldn’t have let you talk me into that wet chimichanga, Mulder, my stomach is churning.”

“Oh.  Oh God.  Ummm...do you need me to pull over?”

“On the side of the road?!  No, Mulder, there’s nothing but sand and tumbleweeds out here!  Just keep driving.”

“Scully, it’s okay.  There’s no shame in popping a squat.  I promise I won’t look.  I think we have some napkins in the glove compartment or something…”

“Mulder, please, I’m begging you, stop talking and drive faster.”

“Okay.  So our informant allegedly has some kind of intel from a source on Sheppard Air Force Base’s drone project, which Langly told me a few months ago has been-”

“Oh, God, please shut up.  I need to concentrate- oh my god, Mulder, why won’t my window roll down?  My button’s stuck, Mulder, roll my window down.”

“Sorry, Scully, I think the child proof window lock was engaged.  Here, let me see if I can…there, is that a little better?  It’s still over a hundred degrees outside, Scully, I’m not sure why you-”

“For the love of all things holy, stop talking! I need quiet and the wind in my...Mul- Mulder, pull on my sleeve.  I need to take my blazer- Oh, God, now it’s coming in waves…”

“Here, just give me your arm.  There, is that a little better?  What do you mean, ‘it’s coming in waves?’  You’re looking really red, Scully, are you sure you’re okay?”

“How is there not a rest stop for another fifty miles?  What kind of hell state has rest stops so far apart?  Okay, okay, wait.  It’s getting better, I think it’s going away.”

“What’s going away?  Scully...is there something you need to tell me?”

“No, I’m fine.  I don’t think that Tex-Mex agreed- Oh, God. Oh, no. Shit, Mulder, you need to pull over.  Now, right now.  Pull over, pull over.”

“Scully, there’s nothing but desert as far as they eye can see.  Are you sure you can’t wait?”

“I, um, holy sonofabitch.  Now, Mulder, pull over now!  It’s imminent.”

“Imminent?!  Jesus, Scully, there’s...uh, I guess there’s a cactus over there that might offer you some protection?”

“It feels like there’s a brick with claws sitting in my lower abdomen.  I don’t care, pull the damn car over, and give me the napkin!”

“A brick with claws? Jesus, Scully, that’s...graphic.  Hey, I think I remember an X-File about that, ha. Okay, I can tell you’re not in the mood to joke right now, so, uh...listen, we haven’t passed another car for the last ten miles so I don’t think anyone will-”

“THE NAPKIN! Mulder, give me the damn napkin!”

“Do you want me to get it a little wet, Scully?  ‘Cause that might feel a little better on your…”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back-”

“Okay, Scully, vaya con Dios!  Or, ya know, vaya con...ya know…whatever. Just let me know if you need any, uh, you know...help...or...something.”

“...Oh my god, please no, please no, just a little further.  Just get behind the cactus, Dana...I, shit.  Shit!  Oh, God, Mulder.  Mulder!”

“SCULLY!  Hold on, I’ll be right there!  Just let me-!”

“It’s the spines on the cactus, I can’t hold on to it.  Just... my hand.  Hurry, I need you to hold my hand.”

“Okay, no problem.  Um...Here, just squat down and I’ll support your weight..”

“Don’t look at me! Mulder, do NOT look at me, turn around!  Oh, God, I can’t hold it…”

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, Scully.  Just, uh...there.  Just rest back on your ankles.  I’m not looking, I swear to God.  Just let it go, Scully.”

“God, I swear, I will never touch Tex-Mex again if you- oh God, oh my god, Mulder, don’t listen. Can you sing or something?”

“Sing?!  Okay, ummm…

‘Love...is a burning thing… And it makes a fiery ring. Bound by wild desire, I fell into, a ring of fire…’ ”

“The Ring of Fire? Really, Mulder?”

“I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down, And the flames went higher, And it burns, burns, burns, The ring of fire...the ring of fire…”

“Shitshitshit... Um, Mulder, the napkin...it’s, uh, it’s not enough.”

“What?  Uh, wow, okay...well I don’t have any Kleenex or anything so unless you want me to give you my tie I don't think-”

“Your tie, give me your tie.”

“Scully, no. I was only joking, and besides, I love this tie!  Frohike gave me this tie.”

“Mulder, just give me the damn tie!”

“Fine. But you know what, you owe me, Scully. And you get to explain this to Melvin when he asks why I never wear my UFO tie anymore.”