#steph thoughts

Closure. Such a short word, but such huge implications. And also a large problem in my life, to be honest. So many people walk in and out of lives every day, some without a trace, and those are the ones that linger, somehow.

There are so many people in my life that I haven’t gotten closure with, and with most of them, I doubt I will ever get any form of closure. Who knows, maybe I don’t even need it, and maybe that need will fade over time (hopefully).

I’ve never been one for confrontation with people or problems. But lately, I’ve tried to focus at least some of my energy on finding closure whenever possible. I know it’s impossible to get full closure on anything, which is why I’ve started taking advantage whenever the opportunity arises.

I recently met up with and had a long-overdue conversation with an old friend I haven’t seen in almost 4 years. It’s ancient history now, but all those years ago, one day, we were close; the next, we weren’t speaking. I never knew what happened or what I had done, but I always assumed it was something I did that pushed him away. We finally had a chance to see each other again and talk about it today, and everything came to the surface. Everything I had cried about, wondered about, and wanted closure about for 4 years finally came up, and I got what I wanted: closure. He told me he had spent a lot of time thinking me, much like I had been thinking about him. Eventually, I started thinking about him less and less, and he became an after thought to me. I always wondered what happened, though. He told me that what happened had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with himself. He told me that all these years, he always felt like he owed me a huge apology. He was so genuine and told me he thought a lot about what I must have been feeling, too.

My heart is a little bit lighter after today. I now have closure from one more person from my past. A person, I might add, I never thought I would ever get closure from or even ever see again. I’m so blessed to have seen him and spent time with him again, and even more blessed to have gotten my closure. I can only hope that he feels lighter, too. 

Sometimes there are no words to make things all better.

Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

Maybe some feelings are better suppressed.

And maybe sometimes it’s better to cry your eyes out in the middle of the night than it is to say how you really feel.

Self-respect is when you know what you deserve and aren’t afraid to walk away from situations and/or people who don’t make you happy. Such a simple concept, but so rare in today’s society. Everyone is so concerned about how they look on social media that they get “Likes” confused with happiness.

I will admit that I didn’t have self-respect until recently, either, but once I learned, I’ve been so much happier. 

A letter to a friend in need.

I know how awful it is to feel sad and alone. I know all too well. I also know how easy it is to spiral out of control when feeling like that. It’s so easy to push away everyone who cares and shut yourself down from everyone around you and retract into your own downward spiral. And it’s easy to become desperate. I know how awful you feel. I’ve been there, too.

I keep thinking that maybe if I had stayed, you wouldn’t be in this situation and feeling the way you do. That’s probably just wishful thinking, and I’m stupid for thinking that I could have had such a large impact on you and your life, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes.

I can speculate all I want, but honestly, you have to be the one to pick yourself back up. Figure out what you want to do, what kind of person you want to be. Stand back and take a good look at yourself and your life and decide if you’re happy with who you are and what you do. If the answers are no’s, then make a change. Go back to school, take some classes, find a new job, call an old friend or make a new one, find a new hobby. There are so many things you can do for yourself.