#statistical math

I’m serious: I can read articles, and academic books, just fine. But if you expect me to just read and understand statistics and math... it won’t work. I thought the ADHD medications would help... but, in between the medication failing to work midway through my course, the COVID-19 vaccine, and me unable to take the medication until 2 days AFTER the vaccine, changing medications, and failing my midterm in between all of that... it’s a godawful sh*t show.

Then there’s the fact that I keep googling stuff about Ph.D. Programs and how math and statistics are required (well of course they’re required, it’s a RESEARCH degree) and how I’ll never be able to be successful in one without knowing that stuff... and it just... kills me. The thing I want to do in my life the most... I can’t... because it feels like I can’t JUST DO STATS after taking (x) number of classes like all my other peers. So either they’re really gifted, or I’m really stupid. Even if I was to jump from Clinical Psychology to Counseling Psychology... I don’t think the statistical and research requirements change much.

Also, WHO THE FUCK DO I TALK TO ABOUT THIS?! Like... I think I’m missing something here. I want to talk to an academic advisor, or an academic coach: someone who KNOWS their stuff. Maybe even specializes in Ph.D. And Psy.D. Programs. Someone who can guide me on what to do, and help me out with what kind of help I’ll need in stats. But... it seems like I’m missing something because Google’s results are NOT what I want: which tells me I’m not googling correctly. It keeps bringing up school advisors... am I missing some kind of key term I need to be googling for?!

I want an INDEPENDENT advisor: someone who isn’t affiliated with a school goddamnit. But it seems like Google doesn’t understand that.

I’m going to reach out to my therapist and tell her this stuff too. Maybe she knows something I don’t.

I failed my Statistics 101 midterm with a score of 44%.

2/4th of the material covered in the midterm, I understood well. 1/4th of the material was completely unknown to me (because I couldn’t stay on-track with the readings). 1/4th of the material was hard because there was math involved and when it comes to the math they cover in class... I don’t get it. I don’t understand it (not because I'm stupid, but because the literal WALLS OF TEXT/MATH they present to me and expect me to understand basically grind my mind to an absolute snails pace... hence me not even being able to keep up on reading. Today, I ran out of time and was forced to take the midterm (or risk getting a 0% score for not even attempting it before time ran out).

Am I sad? Yes.

It’s one midterm. I failed. It was 25% of my overall grade.

I’ll try harder next time... but not without help. I’m going to seek out tutoring, someone who’s willing to work with someone with ADHD. I’ll get through this, might even pass the class with good marks. 

Statistics is NOT OPTIONAL for me, not if I want to go and get a Ph.D. So, learning it now will help me during my Ph.D/Psy.D, therefore, the expense of tutoring is justified and not impulsive. In fact, It would be impulsive to simply brush off the low score, I think.

The other issue that I've identified is that the medication I've been on isn’t working as well... at first, I thought it was just me, that I could simply PUSH THROUGH even without the medication (yes, I know, it was stupid of me to think this way). Good news is: I talked to my doctor today. She’s going to change my meds and I’ll see how they work out.