#starred gateways

The two years I almost screwed everything up.

The two years I almost lost all my friends.

The two years I worked up a relationship to tear it apart.

The two years I worked on and ruined a chance with my best friend.

The two years I almost relapsed back to my old ways.

Two years of just hoping I could make it to the next day.

Two years I ended up rebuilding a relationship from scratch when I didn’t even expect to.

I got hit, I got attacked. I got hurt. I hurt others. Some I didn’t even apologize to. Some who will never/shouldn’t forgive me.

Two years I played my favorite game and then ditched it out of spite and anger.

I lost a job. I gained a bad job. That job got me a nice job, and now I have a better job offer.

The time my cat got taken away from me.

The moment my mom finally lost it and got out of the frying pan.

The years a defunked wrestling promoter screwed me out of money.

The years I did so much wrong in an attempt to make right for just being awful.

The years I came back from being this evil person and found solace in friends that stuck by me and really cared for my safety. Even though during all of that I was meaner than ever, they didn’t care. Some even came back and proved they weren’t as bad as I thought.

I sat in my old office chair thinking of all of the goods, the bads, the wonderfuls, and the horribles. The fact people were looking out for me, and still are. The ideas that I could make a difference, and stood still only for it to pass by.

I was stuck on this idea I needed to rebuild myself, but the pieces were always kinda there, just in weird spots. I don’t know a better way to explain it but as I sat in that chair, I felt like I was saying goodbye to all the sadness and horrible things I felt before. It all honestly began during the finale of AOS. During those last two months of recording, a lot changed in who I was and what I was about.

I met people i’ll never forget. For better or worst they are building blocks for me. Even people who don’t exist who I build in this time. My own Tabletop character, who became a queen in her own world, and a warrior I left alone for this whole last year because I was burnt out and still angry.

I think it’s time to stop being angry, and start making a difference in peoples lives- even in my own life! The real first step, was out of that old office chair.

The last post I read was the most hypocritical statement I’ve ever read. Be happy about what you have and stop thinking others are entitled.