#starhunt

Cause you can't go back, darling

The time has come for moving on

You can't be always trying to dig up

What you've already buried

‘ Sometimes, I just wish I could turn back the clock and save all of them—do better, be better.. they’d still be alive now if it wasn’t for me, ‘ he says, fiddling with the watch on his wrist.

Her brown eyes meet his the moment he glances up and she gives him a sad smile, something of understanding buried in there, while also unsure of how he feels that way. Helene was well aware, like most people around him, that he hadn’t been at fault all those years ago. Blaming himself had now become something he couldn’t go a day without, however.

‘ Ethan, there was nothing you could have done to save them, even if you had tried. Their deaths were not your fault, ‘ she is reassuring and encouraging in her belief of this. Moving over to where he sits on one end of the sofa, his elbows resting on his knees as he is slouched forward, she reaches out.

‘ Helene.. please, I could have done more, ‘ he insists that if he had been more capable at the time, then he would have found a way to deter the tragedy and save his team. It had been such a long time ago now, though, yet he held onto it as if it was no more than a few days ago.

‘ Perhaps, ‘ she begins, pulling his attention and focus back to her immediately as she utters that word. ‘ But you’re human - and you wouldn’t have been able to stop it all in time, Ethan. If you could have been in two places at once.. maybe, but there isn’t one person in the world who is that gifted. ‘

Ethan bows his head again then, returning his attention to the watch on his wrist once more and twisting the band around a few times. The woman offers a comforting touch to his back in the few moments of silence that follow, gently running it up and down to ease the woe that he is currently suffering with.

‘ I miss them all, ‘ he confesses, remembering Claire, Sarah and Jack as though it was only yesterday he saw them last. It seemed the ordeal had impacted his entire life in a way that wounded him consistently, whenever he lost team members since his first experience with tragedy. ‘ I won’t let it happen like that again. I can’t.. I couldn’t forgive myself. ‘

‘ You still haven’t forgiven yourself for the last time, Ethan. It’s time you did, allowed yourself to move on and breathe new life into how far you’ve come and how many lives you have saved since that day, ‘ Helene offers further comfort, recognising just how pained he is deep down and how hard it is for him to get by. She wonders then how he even manages missions.

‘ Impossible— ‘ he answers, lifting his gaze to meet hers again and leaning toward her, body resting against her own while he allows her to rub circles over his lower back.

‘ So are your missions, but they’re a walk in the park for you .. I’d say you got this, ‘ her smile coaxes one of his own, as well as making way for brief laughter as he finds amusement in her words. It warms her heart to see him still able to smile even in his darkest moments when he is battling his demons.

‘ Alright, not impossible. It’s just really hard some days, trying to forget while also wanting to remember. One step at a time I guess, ‘ he says, shrugging his shoulders and shifting around a little, so his arm is now nestled around her instead of vice versa and he pulls her in closer to his side. ‘ Thanks for listening, Hel. ‘