#stardust rust

Hi everyone,

Some of you may be wondering "hey, where's that sequel you promised us of 'this kind of ruin'?" Or indeed, any fic at all this year.

Well, the thing is, that sequel (currently very tentatively titled 'these temple bones') is actually complete. It's pretty much done, barring edits and some cleanup. The reason I haven't posted it, or had much energy to write at all, or do anything besides mindless doomscrolling, is because my husband got sick some time earlier this year. Like, really sick. Between the stress of that and worrying about bills, my work being crazy draining, my sister going through a crisis and the heartache of having to yet again cancel my already-belated-due-to-covid honeymoon, I was hanging on by a thread of sanity. Frankly, I don't have enough spoons at the moment to manage posting a new story.

Writing is still my haven and my refuge, I have been chipping away here and there on all sorts (including a bkdk Soul Eater AU and a bkdk Hunger Games AU) where the mood takes me, but these days it's been hard to get time to myself. I thought I'd give an update, because I kept convincing myself I'll do it soon, I'll do it next week, but it's not quite manifesting. Don't worry, as I said 'these temple bones' is fully complete and it WILL be posted eventually (who knows, maybe this post will actually kick my ass into gear) but if it doesn't, you'll know why.

So I've played around with this idea in my fics before, but I wanna talk about Izuku's unreasonable expectations of Katsuki - that is, Katsuki being the embodiment of victory. Can you imagine the sort of weight that carries, when you look behind the gilded, rose-tinted admiration? When it's not so much a vote of confidence but rather a millstone around Katsuki's neck?

That's not to say Katsuki isn't very good at winning, even when they were little and he was beating up the older kids. Katsuki himself also holds the belief that Heroes=Winning and has staked almost his entire being on it. And Izuku grew up watching Katsuki excel at everything he's ever tried his hand at, so it's expected that he would have an idealised, lionized version of him in his head, one who fulfils that 'winning' notion. But when does it become... too much?

Spoilers for Chap 362 behind cut.

Art by @NushiChin, commissioned by me

依依不捨; more than you want it

“Long time no see, shizun.” Luo Binghe’s voice is ice cold for all its softness, and Shen Qingqiu shudders. He turns back to him, clutching at the strap of his bag like the last lifeline as the Titanic sank.

“Hello Binghe,” he says softly, and Luo Binghe’s eyes darken. “It has been a long time.”

“Five years, three months, twenty-two days.” Luo Binghe smiles. “But who’s counting?”

Or:

Desperate for a job, Shen Qingqiu returns to the city he left in disgrace to work at Luo Publishing, part of the Luo Enterprises conglomerate and owned by Luo Binghe, a man he has far too much history with - as xuedi, student, lover, and someone he betrayed in the worst way possible. But when they meet again, Shen Qingqiu has to confront the past he left behind and everything Luo Binghe still means to him. And more importantly, everything he still means to Luo Binghe.

SPOILERS FOR CHAP 362!!!!!

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So - yes, ABSOLUTELY therein lies the tragedy of Katsuki's almost-toxic relationship with "Victory." That there is an awful irony to his revival because he wants no casualties, yet someone died for his sake.

Everyone on that battlefield thinks Katsuki should win, and somehow they all think Edgeshot's life is worth the trade? Because I found it incredibly interesting that we specifically see Monoma's reaction to Katsuki's death - it's supposed to hammer in the fact that even his most ardent and mouthy detractor is shocked by Katsuki's loss (or at least, he didn't expect him to die).

But flip that around, and you have yet another convert to the "Katsuki wins" dogma, even though Monoma believed he brought down All Might and isn't worthy to be a hero.

The way Katsuki inspires the drive to win in his teammates and detractors is a double-edged sword: We need you to win vs We need you to win. There are no less than 5 others on the battlefield (and many more on the sidelines) and NONE of them protested Edgeshot giving up his life to revive Katsuki (granted, I don't expect a round table conference to discuss it in the middle of a war, but still). Even Best Jeanist merely cautioned Edgeshot that he "couldn’t return from this" instead of being "holy shit that's cray cray don't do it."

And why is that? Why do they believe Katsuki is absolutely necessary for this war? Beyond the whole "elders must support and look after the younger" is it their belief Katsuki holds the key to winning? Is their grand plan dependent on Katsuki's involvement (if it was, I don't think he would have been as reckless as to fight ShigAFO in close quarters - which ShigAFO himself commented on)? Do they think Deku "needs" his Symbol of Victory to hold it together enough to defeat ShigAFO?

Why must Katsuki bear the weight of these expectations, the heart-clenching grief of this sacrifice? His entire ethos as a hero - "no casualties, perfect victory" is completely invalidated by this death (and I know we're still assuming this is death for Edgeshot, but The Surgery seems almost complete). Sure we can argue that after this sacrifice Katsuki can still go on and inspire the next gen of heroes with a greater significance to his ethos, borne out of solemn experience and not arrogant naiveté, but it's still kind of heartbreaking.

I once wrote in a fic "Katsuki wants to drag Deku close and force him to confront the cost of his dreams, the price that everyone who loves him has to pay." And it's so so painful that the same thing is happening to Katsuki when there is a very complicated argument for whether winning is solely something he wants from himself, or what Deku (and everyone else) wants from him.

Katsuki did not ask nor expect to be resurrected, because his life was his own to sacrifice and in some ways it should have been respected (EVEN THOUGH I AM VERY VERY VERY GLAD HE'S COMING BACK I'M JUST SAYING THERE IS AN ARGUMENT FOR CONSENT AND ETHICS HERE but if their grand plan does need him I will accept this sacrifice as necessary). Horikoshi's own words "Saving (and destroying) are both born out of ego" is VERY APT here.

Title: It Goes Without Saying (Sherlock) By: aestheticmuse (tumblr: stardust-rust) Characters/Pairings: Sherlock/John Rating: G Warnings: None. Except for maybe one self-proclaimed sociopath's rather cynical views on the verbal expression of love. Summary: For the August/September Johnlockchallenges on tumblr, this is for hatters-art, who requested: "Sherlock states on a case that he thinks it’s stupid to say ‘I love you’, people should be able to see if someone loves them and to respond accordingly, John hears. And obviously John and Sherlock end up being in love for a very long time before either one realises (both think the other isn’t in love etc.) and maybe Sherlock having to admit that yes, saying I love you is a good thing. Any rating."