#stantrell

they're so cute. the only people on this grunge island that got together correctly. everyone else is a hot mess except for my endgame.

ps - for those who are confused by jerrys shirt: it says "im so fucking gay for layne" in front and "#1 slut for staley" on the back and sleeves. you're welcome.

⤷ ⋮ if you'd like to read: angels are dreaming of you

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"i'm wasted in time, and looking everywhere, i don't care where, i don't care where. angels are dreaming of you."

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⤷ ⋮ pairing: layne staley / jerry cantrell [alice in chains]

⤷ ⋮ word count: 5.7k

⤷ ⋮ cw: heroin use / drug abuse mentioned. layne is also coming down from a high during the entire fic.

⤷ ⋮ tags: angst, drug use, implied sexual content (if you so see it that way), ambiguous / open ending, open to interpretation, implied/referenced drug use, pining, reminiscing, song: cotton crown by sonic youth, heroin (layne is also coming down during this. still high but yk. take that as you will), ambiguous time period.

⋮ small snippet..

It clicked in a sudden bullet hole, then. Exactly what he wanted, who he wanted. In a merciless attempt at regaining control over fixation, he attempted to juxtapose that, too. All to avails that rendered him feeble. He couldn't command that hunger. The way that the thoughts seemed to manifest in sparse layers of melodic chimes, rather than the cocksure sporadic nothingness he'd internalized his own beliefs to be, that was a natural settlement.  He almost swore that he'd spoken aloud, right through the fog that was currently the strain within—said something of name, of note—even in its futile nature regarding the current asphyxiated circumstance. There was a fervency in the fact that he could not simply shake the behavior out of that echoing chamber, dissolving by the minute as both the fallout and sleaziness approached his subconscious by a superfluous degree. It sat, festered, lingering in raw heat; because he knew. He couldn't avoid, couldn't change, or shift, or shake it out, like intrinsic hell, the bell toiled, he fucking knew. Right at the striking velocity he expected, he was lured by the prospect, the utterance that he took for granted in dabbled misrememberings. The way he could still picture all things fondly in the palm of his hand, slipping through his fingers, yet still what he clawed to keep as a memento. He could see in the sweet shine of light, put a face to the name, which oftentimes automatically came to his insight in more ferocious cycles than he'd ever admit.  There was shame in such a common trepidation, crawling down his spine in rusted nails, poking and prodding at his stability, at whatever nerves cascaded down the bone to keep him functioning. It was a thrumming, blown-out speakerbox that whirred and whirled tumultuously; whispering in sacred bouts of nauseating clarity.

or; layne finds himself irrevocably high and lonely. he dwells. he yearns. its all too much to bear.

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heres my contribution to the famished nation of yaoi-loving miscreants. i came up with this concept on friday and speedran writing throughout the weekend to end up with this extreme storm of.. drug-induced yearning? cool.

i extend much gratitude to both my typical beta reader (@yarn-scraps) as well as @downtuneddrugdeath for proofing this one (esp to cainespider for helping with accurately portraying the high itself. his guidance genuinely SAVED MY ASS.)

ummm feel free to message me or ask questions in my box about this OR any fics ive done.. or maybe request me an idea and i might do it,,, maybe.

day one of them being on my island and they're already married. woke up today to layne asking about having children.

gif of layne and jerry locket kissing (sunglasses edition)

hi wife! im so erect for you! thanks for feeding my horniness baba.. oh, so sexy, so sexy (i say as you read over my shoulder.)

before i answer, to avoid spoiler shit -> here's where one can read 'angels are dreaming of you' if interested

1. use of alliteration

the alliteration was a choice made to accentuate the overall sleaze of the narration. the whole story is very stream of consciousness, gloopy, and dreamlike in the way that i attempted to describe the concoction of the logic & emotion involved in the comedown. by repeating surrealist terms in obscurity, it felt more 'rapidfire,' especially considering how in the terms of sensation, there is present physical manifestation of guilt. basically, when read aloud (i actually did a recorded audiobook/audiofic version of it, if you're curious,) it really hammers in the points in a heavy emotional lens.

my works are both hindered and accentuated by an acute awareness of emotion. i attempt to convey emotions over all else, and aim to do so in a poignant or striking velocity, in hopes of making points and stances delivered with a profound empathy exuded from the reader. by throwing in the devices i did, i ultimately attempted to convey the perspective of confliction drawn by a severed sense of belonging, expended from the natural circumstances that were presented. alliteration just shoots out certain statements in digestible and/or memorable strides, focusing majorly on the feelings portrayed.

2. bell metaphors and such

for anyone that doesn't know: quick lesson that i learned from one of (whom i consider anyway) the founding fathers of this niche ass fandom.

the surname 'cantrell' (stemming from the root 'cant' -> to sing) means 'singing bells'

could also translate to singer, or bell ringer, (derivative from the french word 'chanterelle,' meaning 'small bell/treble.') depending on the source. i fact checked.

WITH THAT NOW IN THE RING.. (haha bell joke haha)

the use of the bell metaphors for jerrys presence were done both for the aforementioned connotations of his surname, as well as bells representing clarity. the desire comes more significantly when layne isn't high, (or, he surmises such within the fic.) so, during that limbo of high-sober, the affections and yearning bouts come especially vexing because there's still a false sense of security within this piece's context. he thinks he can avoid it whilst even barely high, when that is not the case. similar to the unexpected reaction when one is perturbed by a loud noise, such as a bell, the sudden references catch layne in vulnerability.

generally jerry is represented by musical references throughout the fic. you'll notice mentions of harmony, cacophony, a need for song, and, of course, the bells (to name a few.)

What comes to mind as I ask this is your most recent fic "don't you wanna be nobody every once in a while?" (Which hey btw anyone who hasn't read it should because it's awesome, and it's up on Ao3). I wanted to ask why Jerry behaves the way he does. By that, I mean — why is he just lying to himself about his own struggles? It's clear he is struggling, but he's ignoring it in favor of comforting Layne. Would you say he's just like that naturally, or it's just something that he does for Layne and Layne only because Layne's situation distracts him from his own problems?

Expanding on this idea, is it a possibility (in the fic) that Jerry initially liked Layne only because he was enamored with the "idea" of Layne? In that, he relies on Layne's troubles as a break from his own issues (therefore making the relationship codependent in that regard, more or less?)

Lastly, why did you choose the setting? Why this part of their lives, and why Sedona? What do you think it contributes to the story (and it's grander themes)?

Okay, that's all. It's a lot, I know. As always, I love you, and your writing — it never fails to allow me a good moment to just sit down and think.

hi wifey!! hello lil buddy lil boy lil brobro. i will gladly provide you with some insight from my chasm of a conscience. i'll bullet each point one by one lol..

1. portrayal in the sense of media

obviously i was not there, i did not know these people at the time. however, my characterization comes from analysis of how the people themselves reacted in certain situations. i am very attuned to others' emotions according to what i hear, which comes in handy when i can both infer the obvious nature of humans, and also when i can use my perception to figure out them (to a degree.)

i habitually sense emotions. like, empathy-wise. so, certain (more serious) interviews are always helpful with characterization because i can personally use my emotional background to analyze the band members. though a lot of what i write is inferred, i drag out actions and descriptions to try and portray the intentions of each person i am writing for.

i feel like rpf is very interpretive in general. these are/were real people, experienced convoluted things to make them contradictory and flawed (as all of us are.) so, i see characterization as using emotional intelligence & study to create the most accurate result. i dont know if im the most stupendous characterize-er in the world. probably not. i get fucking terrified to post any fic of mine solely due to that reason alone. but my process is revolved around combining fact and feeling.

2. jerrys behavior in dywbneoiaw (long title...) / the whole "idea" expansion

a lot of his denial in that fic comes from the mutual pining. you'll see a lot of repetition with "typically" or "logically" or "rationally" etc.. because for the first half of that fic he's straight up lying to himself. he feels like having layne down to a science is just NORMAL FRIEND THINGS.. because he doesn't want to accept this part of him, he doesn't quite realize if this part of him is even real at all, he's sort of a mess the entire fic. its just subtexted.

one of my least favorite things is when someone will basically give jerry "caretaker" role for no reason without acknowledging that he is struggling. in this fic, while i do splay out that he has a guilty conscience and paranoia (very lightly subtexted to being drug/alcohol induced paranoia btw. blink and youll miss it.) i try to explain it more outright. or, as outright as my style can really get. he denies himself of the realization that he's likely going out of his way to do all of these things in laynes favor for a more substantial reason. yet, you'll see that he switches from logical to reliant on his senses as the fic goes on (part of it is because he grows more exhausted, part of it is that he's letting himself get close enough to realize the intensity of his own emotions.)

to answer your question though, because i got WAY offtrack: i do think that it could be a mixture of both. this fic, being more fluff-based, does make me think in retrospect that itd be more out of instinct. theyre tight, theyre bros, it just feels right for the both of them to try and be present for the other (as they each have their own issues.) however, due to the denial of feelings on jerrys end, i can say that part of his silence that transitions into aid comes from the need to distract his brain from the obvious "yo youre really gay" shit going on up there. i tried HARD with balancing his motives in a way, trying to portray both rationality combined with the spontaneity of romantic attraction.

you could also see the fact that layne is more spontaneous in this fic as an indirect metaphor for the fact that the object of jerrys fixation in itself is something difficult to describe. he grows to understand more of laynes reasoning for his behavior as the fic progresses, which is also where the logical facade slowly falls into more of an eased acceptance of the matter. so, like, as he understands laynes issues a bit more, he also grows to comprehend his own internalized attraction as well. idk if that made sense. hopefully.

i dont think that hes attracted to layne as a concept. maybe it began that way, when he did his whole "i fell in love with him when i first met him" bullshit in an interview. but this takes place in 1991, i feel as though his attraction is more multi-faceted since theyve been very close for a longer slip of time, imo. i wouldnt rule out codependency, it depends on how you interpret my characterization of them.

3. setting / choices

every fic i do is inspired by a song in some way, whether its extremely crucial to the plot (for example, you my friend, i will defend,) or if that inspiration is rather light (for example, mediocrity rules, man.) the song sedona by sir chloe, which was a cult classic in my playlist at the ripe old age of nine years old, randomly occurred to me in a moment of mass realization: this chorus is very fucking stantrell coded, good lord.

so, the setting itself taking place in sedona does come from the obvious source. however, the seclusion of the area (and being in the wrong direction of their next stop entirely) is symbolic of the obvious struggle presented: that they both feel semi-suffocated by media portrayals and the constant scrutiny of the public eye. its ironic, that they can confess to the stressor in a place where they get that opportunity to be the "nobody" in the title of the fic.

for the actual date itself, being in '91, comes from the knowledge that it was one of the points where the band was quite popular. it made sense to me to let this rising-star stress hit right as they were just hitting a level of fame that they had not experienced thus far. that's why everyone is so tense about fame in the fic, because they're not used to it.

the stargazing plot was sort of a metaphor for the idea of "stars aligning" (aka, jerry realizing that hes a homosexual bitch.) the fact that layne discusses experience with stargazing is because i imagine that he would have been at peace with his very-likely bisexuality by the time that the fic occurs. they don't mutually find any constellations (in my subtext bullshitter terms) because neither of them want to think that the attraction to the other is reciprocated. therefore, their stars do not presently reveal themselves alongside the other's.

this was long and im not proofreading this. youre the beta reader, thats your job (slash jay.) hopefully this made sense and added some further context to everything, i am usually methodical about my stantrell yaoi to a meticulously absurd point. i dont think that even you knew some of these underlying themes.

shameless plug for the subject of the ask: dont you wanna be nobody every once in a while?