While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...
Say what you will about 1998’s Armageddon. Its science is laughable, the sentimentality is cheap, the premise raises at least a couple of eyebrows… but one thing it isn’t is boring. The same can't be said about 1979’s Meteor. This space disaster film is likely to put you to sleep and the one thing it had going for it at the time - the special effects - don’t hold up today.
A comet passes through the Asteroid Belt and hits the asteroid Orpheus, sending it on a collision course with Earth. The United States government has only days to find a way to deflect or destroy it before Orpheus creates an extinction-level event. Our best hope rests in Hercules, a secret orbiting nuclear missile platform satellite designed by Dr. Paul Bradley (Sean Connery).
Let’s get one thing out of the way first. This title is awful. Orpheus is not a meteorite; it’s an asteroid. Why’d they call the film Meteor instead of Asteroid? Probably because the studio didn’t want their movie to sound like a butt thing. This movie is much too serious for that sort of nonsense.
While I appreciate a science fiction film trying to remain realistic, Meteor takes it too far. This story has no race to find a solution. Everything we need to save ourselves is already built. Hercules was designed to knock out space threats and doesn’t even require a pilot. How is there any tension then? Well, Hercules is a secret (illegal) missile base. Admitting it exists - even in the face of armageddon - would be embarrassing for the United States government. This means even though Hercules is our only hope, Major General Adlon (Martin Landau) fights Dr. Bradley every step of the way. World’s gonna end but, you know. Gotta hold onto those Cold War grudges. That’s what the movie is REALLY about. The U.S. has Hercules. They figure the USSR has something similar. On their own, neither station would have the firepower required to blast the space rock but together they would. If only we could come together in peace and harmony…
The movie is frustrating because it takes so long to get to the obvious. This movie is no Dr. Strangelove; it’s not funny or subversive. There aren’t any surprises, no unexpected twists. All you do is wait for people to get over their childish hang-ups. Even Dr. Paul Bradley is acting like a big baby. He’s all upset that the government hijacked his satellite and changed it so the missiles aim TOWARD the planet instead of away. Fair enough but come on, man. The planet’s about to blow up. Unless you’re in a weird state of depression or you don't think there's any point in living unless you're a billionaire and want to hold the planet ransom, there’s no point stalling. Just get on the project and save the world. You’ve got a family. Do it for them. Do it for the audience so we can get this over with and move on.
Meteor doesn’t have a story worth watching. It doesn’t have visuals worth seeing either. The small asteroids that end up falling on Earth (the film’s attempts to keep us awake while we wait for the main event) are just glowing balls that go past the screen. The destruction is nothing special (the fact that director Donald Neame uses footage from the 1978 disaster film Avalanche isn’t worth docking points from the overall score, but does show that we’re not talking spectacular in the least). The main asteroid is just a big cragly rock floating in space. It’s no sight to behold. In theory, the characters would pick up the slack. You’d be so worried about them, so invested in their character arcs this would feel like a big deal (it worked for Titanic) but you won’t care about any of this.
With a star-studded cast that includes Natalie Wood and Henry Fonda, it’s a surprise this disaster flick only sparks to life towards the end, when it’s so cloying you can kind of smirk in a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. Meteor is the kind of movie you barely manage to watch once and then forget you ever did. (On VHS, September 26, 2021)
