#ssrpdiary

Dear Diary, Everything has finally fallen into place. I’ve got the job at St. Mungo’s and I’m sharing an apartment in London with Kingsley, Hestia, and Edgar this fall. Everything is finally perfect, but I can’t help but feel a sense of dread. Leaving Hogwarts means that I’m going into the real world. A world at war. I know what I stand for and who I stand with. I know who I’m fighting for: my mother, my father, my baba, my grandparents, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even my friends. Benjy, even though I won’t see him everyday or be able to talk to him any time I want to. Remus, because he needs to know I’m there for him. Everybody I know, because someone needs to fight for them. But how?

My entire world is changing in an instant. I no longer have the castle walls to protect me from this war. I’m vulnerable and I’m scared. How do I not be? I’ve always thought of myself as strong but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m eighteen years old going to fight against dark wizards and witches who have done this far longer than I have. What if I can’t protect everyone I care about? What if I fail?

Love,

Dear diary,

Question: What happens when the storm hits? Answer: Absolutely fucking everything. I don't really know how to write any of this down, so I'll go by person.

Alecto Carrow has come back in her normal fashion: chaotic with a pinch of psychopathic. So far, she has attacked Remus and Dorcas. At least that's what I know of. She was in the hospital wing the other day because Doe kicked her pureblooded ass, and I realized that Alecto is about as tough as a puppy. She whined and cried and whimpered her way through a procedure about as painful as a finger prick. As for her twin, apparently Amycus is still with Benjy from what I know, but is apparently engaged to Andromeda Black, Sirius' cousin or something I don't know.

Sirius is back in his normal entertaining fashion. Everything seems alright with him. Peter's fine as well from what I know. James and Lily have finally stopped bickering at each other and are maybe back together? All I know is that am excited for that to finally happen. Dorcas has been her normal self and has earned major props in my book for her win against Alecto. Marlene is... well, Marlene.

Nothing much is going on with Cecelia or Ted from what I've heard. So, I guess that's something to be happy about.

But then there's Remus and Benjy. Can just say well fucking done Benjy? Congratulations on breaking the heart of the nicest guy in the school, dickhead. Summary, big fight between the two of them, big fight between me and Benjy, following recklessness of Remus, resulting depression in me I cannot believe I acted like that, and finalizing make up between me and Benjy. Does it ever end?

Love,

Dear Diary,

It’s Christmas!!!! I haven’t felt this happy in months. I no longer have to deal with everyone else’s bullshit and can just focus on me and my family. My grandmother is coming in from Bulgaria for Christmas, and we’re spending New Year’s with my mum’s family.

So far, I’m still trying to decide what to get everyone for Christmas this year. I know I’m getting Remus a nice sweater (maybe red?), but I was thinking about just making Benjy some cookies or something like that. I’m planning on sending a book on Quidditch to James, a nice scarf for Mary, some chocolates to Marls, a broomstick care set to Cecilia, some candles for Dorcas, and a book for Lily. Hopefully, everyone will like them.

Dear Diary,

I can't shake this feeling. This unbearable feeling of dreadful anticipation. It hasn't stopped, and seems to have been only brought about by the fact that nothing is going on. No one is spreading lies or gossip, and everything seems eerily calm. But that's just the problem: nothing here is ever calm for long. It's like the eye of a storm, and soon the chaos and destruction will begin again.

Maybe I should enjoy the peacefulness while it lasts. All my friends are fine, or seemingly fine. Even though the whole Benjy and Amycus debacle still worries me, at least there isn't any danger at the moment. Remus looks a bit more worn than usual and I want to ask him what's wrong, but I can't.

This feeling will end, but I can't help but wonder: what comes after the tempest?

Love,

Dear Diary,

To say life has been hectic would be the understatement of the year. That total bitch Rita Skeeter has essentially attacked everyone I care about, especially Benjy. She’s torn everyone into pieces and has left blood in her wake. I just want to rip her throat out. I hate her so much!

Benjy looks like he died. The spark that I’ve always known is gone. He doesn’t talk or laugh, and is being threatened every day. What I don’t get is why the Slytherins don’t go after their housemate instead of Benjy. It takes two to tango. I just wish they hadn’t started to dance in the first place.

Sirius came back. He looks more worse for wear than he usually does. So far, I think I’m the only person who’s reasonably glad to see him. Marlene wants to beat him with a stick, though not for the first time. Remus looks like a lost puppy. He and James seem to be ignoring their issues as usual. I want to be there for Sirius, but how can I when all it would do is push away everyone else.

But it isn’t just my friends who are in complete chaos. I don’t know how much longer I can take working in the Hospital Wing. Every night, I wash innocent and not so innocent blood off of my hands. I told Benjy, but it didn’t solve my problem. I haven’t slept in three days, my nights riddled with horrible dreams. In them, I’m fighting with a Death Eater. I can’t see their face, but I know it’s a woman. We duel and spin around each other so fast, we’re almost dancing. Her mask flies into the air, and I see me. Red eyes instead of my own, a snarl on the mouth I was born with.

It scares me. What if can’t control the hate and anger inside of me and it takes over?

Love,

Dear Diary,

I can’t really ignore it anymore. This creeping loneliness in my heart. I’ve been surrounded by people for so long that whenever I’m alone, it kills me. Sirius is gone. One of my best mates is at a funeral for a family he doesn’t love. Is it selfish of me to want him here instead? Benjy no longer can tell what’s bad for him. He’s been sleeping around so much he's become toxic to himself. Dorcas was attacked and I wasn’t there to sit next to her and comfort her. The whole world is crumbling around me and I’m frozen.

Lily’s mum died the other day. I keep wondering if maybe my mum will go the same way. I feel childish to want her to stand beside me and hold my hand. What about my dad? I keep feeling this dread that something bad is going to happen. And it doesn’t help that Sybil Trelawney keeps chasing me around yelling about a terrible death in my future.

Remus has seemed worse for wear these past few days. He seems like a corpse every time he’s in the Hospital Wing. I saw him in there the other day. There was no one with him for the first time in a long time. All I wanted to do was walk over to him and hold his hand while singing the old Bulgarian lullaby my grandmother used to sing to me. But I couldn’t because of the stupid contract that I’m not allowed to interact with him.

I’m alone. I want to help and I want to be there. But what good is standing when you stand alone? I just need a little help.

Love,