#ssa-dg

So when Emily turned out to be alive and JJ and Hotch knew the whole time, the team was stunned. You didn’t fully comprehend the travesty of what they went through but you understood the pain and relief that accompanied them. Knowing they probably had 100 million different conflicting emotions swirling in them you suspected they’d be going through “it” the next months.

As JJ walked into the BAU with Prentiss talking about how she had passed all the qualifications to finally become a profiler, JJ saw Spencer come out of the elevator. “Hey, where have you been?” JJ asked him, “I wanted to do brunch this weekend”

“I had to deal with some stuff with my mom,” he flipped through the pages in a file to avoid eye contact with his friend, “have you seen Y/N?” he finished.

“Uh, she’s at her desk I think,” Spencer sped off to your desk. “He hates me,” JJ finished.

You sat at your desk looking over case files when Spencer came rushing up to you. “Hey, Y/N,” he greeted you and looked around.

“What’s up?” You asked expecting there to be a reason he came to your desk.

“Nothing just wanted to say hi,” he saw JJ and Prentiss go into the round table room.

“Well, hi,” you laughed and followed his gaze to your two co-workers. “Ahh, I see,” you said out loud.

His head looked down at you,” what do you mean ‘ahh, I see,’?” He was obviously annoyed by your statement.

You raised your hands up in surrender, “nothing, nothing. Shall we go?” You stood up and tilted your head towards the conference room. He nodded his head.

When you guys walked in and you went to sit in an open seat next to Morgan, Spencer lightly grabbed your elbow and pulled you the opposite way and had you sit between him Emily and JJ. You just looked at him knowing what he was doing. Although you gave him a glare to indicate you didn’t like being manhandled by him, you secretly enjoyed it. You were unsure why it did it but it created a feeling in you that you were not ready to associate with your coworker. He just gave you a bit of a ‘don’t-say-anything’ glare and looked back down at the file. You rolled your eyes and felt Prentiss looking at you. You shrugged your shoulders as if to say ‘I don’t know why he just did that’.

In walked Rossi and Garcia, “look master of all things Italian, I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.” Garcia insisted.

“Maybe you should show a Disney movie and stick with burgers,” Rossi responded, still a bit offended by the pig substitute.

“You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson,” Derek suggested.

“I could help,” you spoke up from across the table. Everyone looked at you confused, “You all act like I’m not Italian. I used to go back there every summer to visit my extended family,” you rolled your eyes and defended yourself.

“Oh my gosh that would be amazing. That would be like- that would be like the iron chef meets the BAU,” Garcia looked back and forth between you and Rossi. You felt Spencer’s eyes on you and looked at him. His scrunched up eyebrows and set jaw told you that he didn’t know that about you or maybe he forgot. You just smiled at him, and tilted your head like it was nothing.

“And we could do it at your house,” Garcia looked over at Rossi.

“I don’t have a house. I have a mansion,” he laughed.

“All right let’s get started,” Hotch instructed.

Everytime JJ talked at the round table, Reid couldn’t even look at her. He kept his gaze down and you saw the muscle in his jaw bone tighten as he clenched his it. The victims were girls who all looked the same, helping a bit to narrow down the victimology. The dump sights also helped narrow down the geographical, although nothing was ever set in stone right off the bat. Everytime Spencer spoke you could tell there was hidden meaning beneath it all directed towards JJ.

On the jet you dug in deeper into the case. You started to notice Spencer stuck close to you, as if you were an extra layer of shielding from JJ. He sat next to you and when JJ spoke he’d either look down at the files in his hands or at your files in your hand. “Dave you and I will talk to the parents.Y/LN head over with us to the police station, and get us set up. Go over what they have and talk to the detectives. Morgan and Prentiss go to the disposal sites. JJ, you and Reid to the abduction sites,” Hotch ordered. JJ gave a soft smile to Spencer and you felt him tighten up next to you, and look away from her. Her smile faded into concern and annoyance and looked at you for help. You just shrugged unsure how to help.

Once you collected all the information on the crime board at the station you helped out Hotch and Rossi at the coroner's office. Then you got the call that there was a third victim. There he burned the woman’s tongue with sulfuric acid. As you, Rossi, JJ, and Reid looked over the body. The quips JJ and Reid were throwing at each other was escalating quickly.

“— instead of dealing with it. He’s acting out,” JJ looked up at Reid as she spoke about the unsub but also meant it for Reid. If looks could inflict pain, the look Reid responded to JJ with would have seriously injured her. Spencer walked off in anger. JJ looked around for help, or maybe back up. You looked at her giving her ‘I’ll take care of it’ look and went after Spencer.

Once you caught up to him and tried to talk to him he wasn’t having it. He quickly dived into perfecting the profile and ignored all conversation about anything else. He was reinforcing the walls he built around himself.

Now back at the station, you all delivered the profile to the police force. Spencer was still not looking at JJ.

Once the profile was delivered Spencer went into the room where the BAU was working out of, JJ following him.

“Spence. Look we gotta talk about this,” JJ insisted.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he responded.

“I get it, okay? You’re disappointed with the way we handled Emily,”

“Listen I have a lot going on alright,”

“You know what I think it is, you’re mad that Hotch and I were able to hold our micro-expressions at the hospital. And you weren’t able to detect our deception,” JJ finally getting angry and defending herself.

“You think it’s about my profiling skills? Jennifer, listen the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you. I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend,” the tears beginning to well in both of their eyes, “and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“I couldn’t,”

“You couldn’t or you wouldn’t,”

“I couldn’t,” she shouted and defended herself.

“What if I started taking dilaudid again. Would you have let me?” he asked.

“You didn’t,” she answered, confused why he was asking.

“Yeah, but I thought about it,” he confessed, and hurt even more that she didn’t realize how low he actually was during that time.

“Spence,” she called out as he tried to walk away, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late, all right?” He walked away from her.

“Reid,” Emily called for him and looked back at JJ.

You followed Spencer out the door. You knew it was risky to seek him out right now but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to try and help him. You couldn’t explain the pull he had on you right now but you usually followed your instincts and they hadn’t let you down yet.

“Spencer, wait up,” you tried to catch up to his long strides.

“Are you here to tell me off, or ask me to apologize to JJ? Because if so, don’t waste your breath. I’m not going to,” he angrily twirled around to you, which made you stop yourself before running into him.

“I wasn’t — I wasn’t going to say that. I know why you’re mad. And I think the way your acting is justified, maybe a bit immature but it’s justified,” you answered.

Spencer looked confused at your response then angrily he said “why am I acting this way then? Why am I so justified?” He was testing you in some way. If you said the wrong thing he’d yell at you too, and he would build that wall around himself so high no one would ever be allowed in again. He was hurting and right now he felt like hurting others was the only way to feel like he was in control.

“You feel betrayed. You understand why Emily had to fake her death. You understand why no one on the team was allowed to know but you don’t understand why JJ was in on it and how she kept her cool. You don’t understand how she could watch your heart break over the loss of a loved one and stand there with the knowledge to save you from all your grieving. JJ is your best friend, you trust her and love her. And best friends are supposed to help take away the pain, and you feel betrayed and taken advantage of because of that,” you finished. You could tell by the look he gave you that the wall he was building was not prepared for you to hit it so hard it cracked. His face went from openness and feeling seen, to defensive and angry at you not giving him a reason to yell at you. “You want her to understand and feel the pain she caused you. which might be why you are acting out? But when the time comes you’ll forgive her because you know deep down what you need JJ and her friendship and eventually you’ll remember all she did for you. Right now you’re hurting, but the way you get rid of that pain isn’t about being mean or hurting her, you’ll need to remember your love for your friend. And find it in yourself if you can forgive her. Am I right?” You asked him, but you already knew the answer. He let out a sigh and looked down at you. He looked at you for the first time in all his time of knowing you. You understood what he was going through more so than his closest friend, and even more so than some of his teammates who had known him for years. How could he have overlooked you for so long. He quickly looked down at your lips and the tension between you two changed. The breathing between you two became heavy and noticeable. He turned quickly and stormed off.

Eventually you all caught the unsub and saved the young girl. This time on the plane though Spencer sat in the back. He spread his stuff across the table indicating he didn’t want anyone to sit there. You took the hint, and even though you had never been close to Spencer other than him using you today for an emotional defense, you felt a coldness being away from him. A coldness, you didn’t even want to know where it would lead you.

Emily walked back to him after a short time on the plane. You could tell what she was doing and thought it was a good idea. You looked at them and analysed their behaviors. You saw the shift in them as Emily laughed for a second and from the back of Spencer you saw him move in his seat to avoid the subject. Emily leaned in as she began to explain her side of what had happened. Spencer was still mad, but by the way his shoulders sloped he was more tired than angry.

You got dressed up in one of your favorite black dresses with knee high black boots and a fancy long coat. As you pulled into the parking lot, you were a bit self conscious about what you were about to do.

You walked up the steps, found the door you were looking for, and knocked lightly. You heard some shuffling around and then heard the door unlock.

“Hey,” you spoke softly as you took in Spencer standing before you. He quickly looked you up and down and smiled, “what are you doing here? I thought you were helping Rossi teach the others how to cook?” He asked.

“Well I was, but I thought my friend might need me more tonight,” you softly smiled at him. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat,” you shyly asked, “or if you have plans, we can do something another time,” You looked at his attire and enjoyed the blue sport coat he was wearing, along with the colorful shirt under it. His hair was brushed with a light amount of product in it. It was like he was ready to go out.

“No, I was actually going to go to Rossi’s,” he admitted and you knew what that meant for him. It was more than going to Rossi’s, it was actually forgiving JJ and Emily.

“Well, I can take us, if you want,” you offered as you jingled your keys in front of him.

He gave a soft laugh, and nodded his head as he grabbed his stuff from his apartment.

“I just need to stop somewhere real quick to pick something up,” you added.

When you showed up to Rossi’s you were obviously late. But the smile on everyone’s face as Spencer walked in the room was worth it. You walked behind them with your arms wrapped around Derek and let everyone take in Spencer. You quickly handed Rossi, the cannoli’s you made and brought for desert.

After everyone said hello and got to cheers their wine glasses, it was time to cook. Instead of you cooking, Rossi decided you needed to help supervise. As you reminded everyone what the texture of the pasta had to be, and how the pancetta should look like cooked, you felt yourself always catching Spencer’s eyes and smiling.

“What’s that about?” Emily asked from behind you.

You turned startled by her, “what do you mean?”

“You and Reid, you guys came together and now you won’t keep your eyes off of each other. So what’s going on?” She asked.

You shook your head, “nothing is going on. I just gave Spencer a ride,” you responded.

“Uh-huh,” Emily skeptically looked at you. You rolled your eyes at her. Once you knew Emily wasn’t looking you slipped a glance at Spencer again and saw him smiling and laughing at something Garcia said. You couldn’t help but smile at them.

“I should say thank you,” you heard JJ say behind you.

You turned and looked at him, “why?” You asked a bit confused.

“You brought Spencer here, and he’s talking to me again. I can’t help but think you had something to do with that,” she answered.

“I didn’t do anything. He came to that conclusion on his own,” you responded.

“Well, either way, thank you for being there for him. I know he has a hard time opening up and trusting people,” she whispered. You nodded your head unsure how to respond. Out of everyone on the team you knew JJ and Emily the least as they weren’t on the team when you joined and had just returned.

As the finishing touches were put on everyone’s pasta you took a seat at Rossi’s big dinner table. You were used to sitting next to Garcia and Rossi. You expected the same people to sit near you but Spencer was quick to steal the seat where Garcia usually sat. You looked up at the young doctor standing over you as he placed a bowl of pasta in front of you. His smile told you everything. The weight of his anger had lifted and he felt rejuvenated. You gave him an odd look as he placed his glass of wine in the spot next to you. He just gave you a goofy face back. You ignored it, but you couldn’t help the feeling bubbling in your chest as you over thought him picking the seat next to you instead of next to the others like JJ, Emily or Derek.

You felt bloated after your meal but it didn’t really matter to you because you felt loved. With your Italian heritage, eating and sharing moments like this is where you felt most loved. This was no exception. You loved this BAU family that you were a part of. As the night went on and moved from the dining table to outside in Rossi’s backyard. You crawled into a loveseat couch and Spencer followed and sat next to you. You pulled a blanket off the back of the seat and draped it across you both. Spencer smiled in gratefulness.

“Say Grazie to the wonderful Y/N, for making and bringing the cannoli,” he announced and brought out the delish Italian treat.

“Oh my gosh I love cannoli,” squealed Garcia. Each person grabbed one and a silence fell over the group as they ate their cannoli. You couldn’t help but snuggle into Spencer a bit as the night moved forward and the talking kept going.

Slowly people left. Hotch was one of the first to go as he had to get back to Jack, then Derek and Garcia, next was JJ and Emily, and you and Reid.

The drive back to Spencer’s was filled with music theory facts, as the two of you got on the subject because you played your favorite songs playlist. One by one you each played songs that mean something to you. You enjoyed hearing the songs that made Spencer Reid, Spencer. They were all over the spectrum of music from classical to pop to indie to folk. You two sat in the parking lot for about an hour before you felt yourself yawning often.

“I should go so you can get home,” Spencer noted sadly.

“Unfortunately, I think you’re right,” you agreed.

“Unfortunately?” His right eyebrow was raised flirtatiously.

You blushed, “yeah, I had a fun night with you.” You looked down in embarrassment.

Spencer moved to place his hand on yours. He hesitated for a second then covered your hand. “I had a fun night too,” he admitted. You looked up at him and smiled.

“Good, because I still owe you a dinner,” you added playfully.

Spencer pulled his lips in and bit them, then let them slide out into a soft smile. “I look forward to it,” he responded.

He waited at the apartment complex entrance for you to pull away.

They had done it in the past but usually they did their best work by watching and observing. So here the team was, their second night in a row all dolled up in fancy cocktail dresses at some art gallery. Tara Lewis and Luke Alves stood around a table pretending to talk to each other as they observed potential victims. Jennifer Jareau, Spencer Reid, and Matt Simmons stood at another end of the room checking for the potential unsub, while your unit chief, Emily Prentiss, and you were pretending to be alone at the event eavesdropping on rich families. You listened to those around you while also scanning the room looking for potential young white men talking to lone young women. “Ten o’clock to the creepy face painting,” you heard Alvez say in your small earpiece. You calmly turned pretending to look at the other art pieces and saw a white male in his mid-thirties walking up to a female. He placed his hand on her low back as he leaned in to talk to her. Emily being the closest nearby out of you two, moved closer acting like she was going for some hors d’oeuvres. “That’s not him. He’s too drunk. I can smell all the alcohol he has consumed. He would need to be smoother than that,” Emily whispered as she took a sip of her glass. That’s how most of the night went. We followed and stared at people who might be the unsub and then filed them out. You felt yourself losing hope. You hated this part of the job. The one that made you feel like the profile was wrong and you all would have to start over, which there was never time to start over. Someone could die. That’s when you felt a hand touch the small of your back, your body tensed up immediately. “Relax,” he whispered in your ear. But you didn’t need to force it, because when you turned to look at the person who touched you, you were met with the face of beauty and your body instantly relaxed. You knew this was a dangerous reaction, as would probably many of Ted Bundy’s victims.

The man before you had slicked back short dark hair, bright blue eyes, strong symmetry in his facial features, and strong cheek and jaw bones. He smiled wickedly at you, causing you to intake a sharp breath. It was so sinister but also so beautiful. It wasn’t the most beautiful smile you’d ever seen, no that was reserved for your teammate, best friend, and love of your life (even if he didn’t know it) Spencer Reid. Now, Spencer’s smile was one you could get lost in. You refocused yourself to the beautiful man in front of you. “They say the artist intended for this particular piece to show trauma while he was drinking. His other pieces are other emotions on different drugs,” his deep voice rattled through your ears. You wanted to unwrap yourself from this man’s embrace. How dare he touch you like that without your permission. “Play along,” Luke spoke as he saw a scowl beginning to form on your lips, “he could be the unsub.” You smoothed the scowl into a smile. “It doesn’t look like it depicts trauma,” you responded dumbly. The man before you cocked his head to the side giving you a lopsided smile. “I guess it all depends on how someone experiences trauma,” the smile now wicked, and scarier. A shiver went up your spine. “Are you cold?” He asked, noticing it, while looking you up and down like he could devour you. “No,” your voice came out scratchy as your throat went dry. You cleared it politely. “Just thinking-” “About your own trauma?” He asked. You could hear the fake tone of concern. That snapped you out of your fear. The pictures of all the murdered women that brought the BAU to this case flashed before your eyes. “Maybe,” the smile you plastered on your face was a one you knew he wanted, a sad smile. You were going to play this role like it’s no one's business because you were here to catch a bad guy and if flirting with a creep got you there then so be it. He leaned in closer to your ear, “my name is Alistair Constantine,” you immediately recognized the name. It was on the list of potential unsubs for the profile. His family’s money was old, going back to the revolutionary war. The family seemed to always be updating with the times and never losing that money. You leaned into his other ear and introduced yourself.

Spencer’s hands were clutched at his side as he watched you interact with the Constantine boy. He felt in his gut at this moment, Alastair was the unsub. The way he was looking at you, it was like you were a quest to conquer. Spencer knew he couldn’t just come up, break you two apart and blow the whole investigation but boy did he want to.

Alastair paraded you around the room.  Every now and then he would talk to fellow members of the society. It took everything in you to pretend that you didn’t want to beat his ass right then and there. You were always an imaginative kid growing up so you blocked out the gruesome pictures of the crime scenes and instead pretended this was your life a young New York woman getting special treatment from a handsome man. It was easier to fit the rom-com role then what was actually happening. Alistair stopped in front of a painting that was particularly psychedelic looking with bright pastel colors. “This is my favorite piece by the artist. This was when he was on Ecstasy. Look at the happiness and distorted-ness to the art. It’s amazing,” he gushed. It would have been odd that he picked this particular painting to attach too, but it was a strong tie to the method of his killings. “Humankind cannot bear very much of reality,” you spoke out, breaking Spencer from his thoughts about if they had enough information to convict Alistair for the murders. Alistair looked at you funny, not understanding why you would say that. “T. S. Eliot” you told Alistair while Spencer whispered it at the same time. a ghost of a smile playing on your lips when you heard Spencer’s voice. “It’s what I think of when I look at this art. T. S. Eliot is one of my favorite poets,” you blushed at your admission. It felt like for a second, with having just heard Spencer’s voice, that you were talking to him instead of Alistair. Spencer was now looking straight at you two. His eyes held bewilderment, he has known you for years and you never once mentioned this, and he knew you knew this was something he cared about. 

“Indeed,” Alistair yawned. 

The next 30 minutes was you telling him how you’d grown up in Boston, Massachusetts, that you had no close relatives anymore, and how when your parents died their life savings all went to you (all of it true), the lie came when it was to talk about why you moved to New York City, what you wanted to do with your life etc. And he ate it up every second. You played the roll of being the lonely damsel in a big city trying to find the answer to life. You were his ideal victim and you knew that he didn’t even question how perfect you were. 

The night ended with an invite to the society’s ball tomorrow night, and Prentiss fed your ear a fake address for Alistair to send a car to tomorrow. You ordered an Uber to the address where Emily said they’ll pick you up to not seem suspicious in case Alistair sent someone to follow you. Once at the address the FBI’s SUV pulled up and you got in. It was Spencer who picked you up, which was unusual, as he never liked driving. You climbed onto the passenger seat and saw his knuckles were white from the strength of his grip on the steering wheel. It didn’t take a profiler to know Spencer was mad. “Spencer, are you alright?” You approached with a soft whisper. There was a pause of silence, Spencer calculating if he should be honest. He eventually gave into the truth as he knew that he couldn’t hide it from you. “No,” he growled, the anger in his voice causing you to jump in surprise. “No, I am not okay. That man is a murderer and he was holding you in his arm! You two were practically dancing around the room in there. We have put you in danger and now, now you are his next target, his next victim!” he hit the wheel in anger. You had never seen Spencer this angry before. Most times when Spencer got angry, he got smart and he used his logic to fight but now he sounded emotional. “Spencer,” you raised your voice, “I am not a victim, I’m an agent. I will do what it takes to protect others. Just like you.” In anger Spencer swerved the car to the side and put it in park. “Dammit, You don’t get it,” he yelled and turned towards you. “If he is our unsub, which we both know he is, I’ve run the calculations and the risk is too high for you,” his hands flying everywhere in gestures, “There are too many dependent variables. There isn’t enough for us to control. The probability of you getting hurt or,” he stopped to collect himself, and in a quieter voice said, “or worse, it’s too high. I’ve run the math.” Now that sounded more like the Spencer you knew. A soft smile crept onto your lips, then you quickly neutralized your face, in hopes he wouldn’t see the way his concern for you made you feel. And You couldn’t do that to yourself. You couldn’t let yourself feel happiness when Spencer showed you affection, because it eventually just leads to heart break. Subconsciously, you turned more towards him in your seat, “In your math is there probability that we get this guy and he never gets the opportunity to hurt another woman again?” You asked. Spencer gave you a pained look like he knew where you were going. You countered that look with one that told him to answer the question. He let out a heavy sigh, “yes. There is that possibility.” You smiled at him knowing you won the argument, “That settles it then.”

With everyone back in the small conference room at the police station, the conversation began about what to do tomorrow. No one was pleased that one of their own is now the target but there was truth that the situation was now more in the BAU’s control than before. Everyone also believed in you. They knew the risk and that scared them but also you are a Special Advisory Agent for a reason. Relief did not fill you but neither did dread, when you thought of the plan. You were doing the right thing. It didn’t matter if you were going to put yourself in danger.

Spencer kept pressing the heel of his hands into his eyes. Something that happened when he started to get headaches and you could guess this headache was caused by stress. As the rest of the team started packing up, you stared at your best friend hurting over the stress you were causing. You took a seat next to Spencer. He was still wearing his suit from the party. “We are going to be okay tomorrow,” you comforted him. He looked up at you, “I’m not worried about all of us, I’m worried about you,” he confessed. Once again, you knew these words shouldn’t have an effect on you like they did, but it did and this time there was something that felt hidden behind those words, something more. “I trust you not to let anything happen to me,” You countered and placed your hand on his forearm to comfort him. You looked in his eyes and tried to let him know that there is more than just trust there. 

The day of the ball, you got ready in the police station bathroom. It wasn’t exactly how you imagined to be getting ready for your first ball in New York City. You’d rather be wearing this gown for other reasons than going undercover to catch a murderer rapist. The Givenchy dress Garcia picked out was gorgeous (as you instructed her to get a designer to fit in the crowd and you would float the bill). It was a long evening dress in blue and green with a gradient-effect. The top had long puffed sleeves, deep V-neckline, and waist accentuated with smooth lamé and long flared skirt. You put your hair up in a loose low bun. The makeup you did was a smooth eye with long flair eyeliner. You put a heavy amount of glow highlighter on your cheek bones and collar bones to accentuate the deep v cut the dress. 

You felt ridiculous walking out of the bathroom into the police station wearing your dress. But the way Spencer looked at you was something powerful and intoxicating, making you forget your embarrassment. You strode up to him. A small smile played on your lips looking up at him. You saw him also smiling at you “You’re almost as tall as me,” he blurted out. You let out a small laugh, “‘I guess that’s what heels will do,” you smiled looking down at your feet. Spencer felt ridiculous that’s what he said. He should have told you how amazing you looked or how your beauty felt like the sun- always pulling him in and having his thoughts orbit around you. But he wasn’t good with voicing his feelings (especially in a room with his colleagues). 

“We are going to have Officer Melinda Jackson drive you over to the apartment, And stake out the car. She’ll be on the radio the whole time till you are in range with us. We will be at the Capitale when you get there.” Emily disclosed as she strapped on a microphone and earpiece.

You stepped out of the car with your head held high even though your anxiety was on another level. “i’m here,” you whispered. “We are here too,” Tara responded. Everyone disclosed where each one was to you. The venue was massive and beautiful. The ceiling was tall with ornate decorations. The lighting was a bright orangish glow. As you examined the room, checking each point of your team, you also saw Alistair. He was at the bar with what looked like to be a group of his friends. Spencer not too far behind them. You walked towards Alistair but kept your eyes on Spencer. He took your breath away dressed in a tux and his hair slicked back like he used to when he was younger. It felt like your heart was lit on fire just by looking at him all dressed up. He was staring at you intensely. It wasn’t that the world stopped the moment your eyes met his, but it was more like everything else just didn’t matter. You knew you’d have to look away soon to not give away anything but you took him in for just one more second. “You look amazing,” you heard a voice next to you say. You turned to see the ever good looking Alistair. He wore a navy 3 piece suite with a large Gucci tag on the sleeve, and a large Gucci flower pinned on his chest. You gave him a soft smile and returned his compliment. “I want to introduce you to my family. Their approval means everything,” he offered you his arm. You took it tentatively,  Spencer watched him lead you away, and he pondered on Alistair’s odd statement about family approval. 

Alistair’s family was everything you’d expect. They were proper and pompous. However they liked you, a lot. You fell right into the role you had to play. You stood there laughing and engaged in the conversation with his mom and cousin. 

“Shall we dance?” Alistair asked, giving you his hand, as your conversation with his sister came to an end. You nodded and let him take you to the dance floor. 

He spun you out and brought you back in close to start the dancing. You gave him a bright smile at his eccentric action. You closed your eyes and let your mind pretend it was Spencer holding you. You followed his lead as he twirled you both around the dance floor. “Stop dancing, we can’t see you,” Spencer frantically said into your ear piece. You snapped your eyes open. Taking in that you were on a secluded corner of the dance floor by an exit door. “You are special. My family, They like you” Alistair said with a sense of manic to it. “you aren’t like the others,” he admitted. His voice sounded different. It was sinister with a tinge of adoration. He pulled you close, so close that his fingers dug into your hand and back. You felt like your brain was freezing up in fear. How many times had you been in fear inducing situations and why did your brain pick now to not work. “you’re hurting me,” you groaned trying to pull yourself away. “Where are you” JJ yelled but then you felt mist hit you, and your mind begin to make things fuzzy, “the left corner, the spray…in the flower,” you breathed out, hoping the team could hear you. You heard a rattle of commands to your co-workers from Emily. Then it went black.

“Feels good doesn’t it? I dosed you with my very own special mixture of MDMA,” said the beautiful looking man in front of you, Alistair. You lazily nodded your head. He grabbed your hands and pulled you up to stand in front of him. You didn’t stand a chance of fighting him or getting out of the current situation you were in but your body and mind couldn’t control themselves. He walked around you and placed himself directly behind you. He pressed his body against your back. The touch and heat of his body made your brain feel pleasure. A louder moan then before escaping your lips. He snaked his hands up and down your body. “I don’t want this,” you moaned out. “Of course you do,” he whispered. His lips touching your ear that didn’t have the bug in it and his breath caused shivers to run down your spine. “You can push me away if you want,” he sinisterly laughed and moved to stand in front of you. The look on his face was one of a boy who got everything he ever wanted and he knew he was just going to get it again. But you had to try. You lazily brought your hands up and placed them on his chest. You internally screamed at your hands to push but instead the feeling of the fabric of his suit on your fingertips was too distracting. It felt amazing like nothing you never felt before. “I can’t,” you whispered as you distractedly pinched and rolled the fabric. His hands gripped your waist and pulled you close with a sinister smile. “That’s what I thought,” and he spun you around so he was behind you again. It felt like flying. ”I love that,” you whispered as the feeling died down slowly. “I have something you’ll love even more,” his hot breath gracing your skin again. He slowly took your dress’ zipper in his hands and pulled it down. His fingers danced down your now exposed spine. “I want you to beg for me,” he whispered, taking his fingers off your burning back. You knew you shouldn’t, but your brain wasn’t functioning like it should. You let out a shaky breath. “Please,” you moaned desperately. He chuckled menacingly at your high disoriented begging. 

The door crashed open and it revealed a glowing angel. “Spencer” you cried out in happiness. “Get out,” Alistair screamed, and pushed you behind him. “She’s here on her own accord. She’s mine,” he snarled as he looked at your best friends. You smiled as the other teammates came into the room. You felt lighter than ever, “My friends, I love you all.” You called out and reached for them but Alistair’s grip on you tightened. Quick as ever he brought you in front of him and placed you in a choke hold.

It should have caused fear to run through you, and maybe that’s why it caused such a reaction out of you. Maybe your brain knew it should feel fear but couldn’t produce it so instead it produced happiness and pleasure. You couldn’t control it so you closed your eyes taking in the happiness of being touched on your neck. 

“You need to let her go,” JJ spoke, “we understand the approval of your family is important, do you think they’d be happy to find you doing this?” JJ asked, trying to get him to think about the situation. “Yes! All my family has ever wanted from me was a perfect partner! That was my dad’s dying wish! And finally I’ve found the one and we will consummate it tonight,” he yelled at your friends. That’s when your brain finally was able to produce fear. Consummate? There wasn’t anything you could do to even protect yourself right now. You tried to move but every movement created a false release of serotonin in your brain. Then the anxiety hit. You couldn’t even control your own emotions let alone produce normal ones. It was like an un-rational bubble of anxiety was building in your chest. You couldn’t control anything at this moment. 

“Alistair?” Whispered a soft but horrified voice. “mom?” He responded, “I did it! I finally found her. The one dad always wanted me to have,” proudness dripped from his voice and he went tighter on your neck. Your breathing finally labored. “She’s…she is wonderful, but you need to let her go. She needs to feel safe. That’s the job of a husband to protect and make her happy,” Mrs. Constantine spoke. “I am!” He yelled back. He sounded like a young toddler who thought they did something right but actually didn’t and just wanted someone to be proud of him. Alistair was breaking down, and Spencer saw it. “I gave her the MDMA to help her feel true ecstasy, like dad used to do, with all those women. He made them feel good,” he smiled as if recalling a fond memory. The mother took a shaky breath. “Honey, your dad wasn’t making those girls feel good,” she cried. That’s when JJ stepped in, “He lied to you when you caught him drugging and raping those women. You always saw him as a hero, and he didn’t want you to see him as any different. All dads want their kids to be better than them. Let her go, and be better than your dad,” JJ finished. That got him. He dropped you and you fell immediately to the ground. You felt the beautiful feeling of coldness on your cheeks and realized you were crying. Your fear and anxiety was still there but you could feel the fake happiness creeping back up. You kept trying to push your dress back on your shoulder but you couldn’t get it to stay. Matt and JJ were the one who arrested Alistair. The rest surveyed the room looking for possible souvenirs of the past victims. It was Spencer that came to you. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” His voice sounded higher than usual. “No, no,” you breathed out anxiously. You grabbed him by the fabric of his suit blazer, “I can’t, Spencer, I can’t come down,” You panicked, as you felt the ecstasy take over. You closed your eyes in the moment of happiness. Seeing you like this was painful for Spencer. He knew the feeling of not being able to gain control over your emotions, and he knew it was scary. Your skin was burning and sweat made every curve caught in the light glisten. 

Spencer shifted around to your back. He began to zip up your dress slowly. Where his fingertips touched, made your skin feel like it was burning. Your heart race sped up and your breathing was labored. You closed your eyes and rolled your neck trying to shake the feeling of his touch. Part of Spencer was disgusted by what was happening to you, even though he knew your reaction wasn’t your fault. The disgust also came from a place of self-hatred as he knew what it was like to feel so good being high on something, and even though he was sober now and didn’t want to be high, he was envious of you and he hated that. 

A small breathy moan escaped your lips as he gently placed his hands on your waist to help you up. At this moment Spencer felt himself blush. You looked crazy and frenzied, a desperate look in your eyes for human contact, and that was quite attractive. You stumbled to get up with the help of Spencer and fell back into him. He instinctively fully wrapped his arm around your waist. When you settled on your feet, Spencer moved to let you go but you held tightly to his arm. “Please don’t, it helps me feel like I’m not floating away,” you panicked. Spencer looked uncomfortable and in any other situation that would have broken your heart but right now all you could focus on was his beauty. His long wonderful brown hair, the sharp angles of his jaw and cheek bones, and his soft lips. You wish you could see him smile right now because you loved his smile. You remember the moment you realized his smile was why you fell in love with him. You were out with JJ, Emily, Penelope, and Tara and this time you were the designated driver. So when you dropped off JJ and Spencer was babysitting. You helped JJ get into the house as she was stumbling very badly. Spencer was there on the couch waiting for her reading a book. “Can you get a glass of water and some aspirin? She’s going to need it in the morning,” you spoke as you brought her to the guest bedroom on the first floor (you weren’t even going to try to get her up the stairs). Spencer wasn’t too far behind you and placed the water and pills on the side table. “SPENCER,” JJ yelled at him excitedly. “Oh my gosh Spencer we were just talking about you in the car. And how much we love you and appreciate you. What did you say about him,” JJ asked, turning to you. You blushed greatly and regretted ever hanging out with a drunk JJ. “Nothing important. It’s time you go to bed missy,” you responded as she flopped down on the pillows. Spencer and you walked out of the room into the hallway. He was smiling amusingly at the interaction. He turned that smile to you. That’s when you knew you were in love with that smile. It was such a mundane moment but it was so important to you. (And for the rest of the week he tried to get you to tell him what you said about him, but you didn’t budge.) 

“How is she?” You heard Emily ask Spencer, which snapped you out of your daze. You looked at your unit chief and instantly felt love for her. What a wonderful strong woman. She was everything you could ever hope to be. It was so important to see women like her in the workforce. “I’m not sure how much he gave her, but she’s pretty delirious. Her body temperature is high due to the increase of Norepinephrine released in her brain. We should probably take her to the hospital and have them check her heart rate and her blood pressure,” he reported. “I love the way you talk,” you giggled, “your words are always so fancy and so smart. I hope one day I can be as smart as you.” Spencer gave Emily a look and they both let out a small stressed laugh. 

You couldn’t help the headache that was raging war on you when you woke up. You let out a groan of tiredness when you tried to get yourself up. You felt like a soggy heavy noodle. You opened your eyes to see you were in a hospital room. Images from the night before flashed before your mind causing your headache to intensify. You swung your legs over the side of the hospital bed about to try and get up to see if someone could help you get home. “Glad to see you’re up,” a voice spoke from the doorway. You raised your face up slowly to see none other than Spencer Reid. Your real life knight and shining armor. As fast as relief and safety flooded you, shame and embarrassment replaced it. You looked away from his gaze quickly and hoped he wouldn’t ask about it. “JJ had me bring some clothes you can change into,” he motioned to the bag in his hands. You nodded still not looking him in the eyes “thanks,” you got up slowly and grabbed the bag. You went to the little bathroom in the corner and changed into jeans, a tank top and a sports blazer. When you came out of the room you saw Spencer looking over your medical chart. Once again a rush of shame filled you as flashes of the past night flooded your brain. Spencer sat down in a chair that was close to your bedside. Instantly you knew he was the one who moved that chair by your bedside. You decided to sit down on the bed. You nervously played with the rings on your fingers, twisting them back and forth. “You look much better,” Spencer looked at you. You nodded, not really knowing how to answer him. The shame you felt was deep, of course you looked better than you did last night. “How are you feeling?” He asked you. You knew that this question was coming, and you were ready to lie through your teeth. You didn’t want to delve into what had happened, but the sound of Spencer’s concern caused you to look up into those deep brown eyes you desperately avoided. You couldn’t lie to the eyes you were so madly in love with. “I… I don’t know,” you whisper, “I don’t know how to feel right now. I was almost raped, Spencer. And I should have been scared and filled with fear but all I can remember was wanting it. I wanted it so bad,” you whispered while returning your gaze to your fidgeting hands. You heard Spencer get out of his seat and felt your heart drop. He was leaving, he didn’t want to be around a now damaged person. But then you felt the bed sink next to you and looked up to find Spencer sitting there with concern in his eyes. A soft sad smile graced your lips. “All I feel right now is shame, how can I feel bad for myself if the only memory I have from it is pleasure?” You asked yourself more than Spencer. “You shouldn’t feel shame. It’s not fair to yourself. Everything you felt last night was artificially made. You had no control,” he whispered. A small mocking laugh left your lips and you shook your head in disagreement. More tears fell from your eyes because of the kindness Spencer was showing you. “Its been such a long time since I’ve been happy. It felt nice to feel happy like I did last night. Even if it was artificial, “ you confessed. Spencer didn’t know what to respond to your confession. It broke his heart knowing you didn’t feel happy, and that in a sick way you enjoyed last night. “MDMA causes greater release of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Because of the excess release of these neurotransmitter levels, it causes the brain to significantly deplete its sources of the neurotransmitter. This contributes to the negative psychological aftereffects of taking MDMA,” he responded, and from the look of the confusion on your face he translated, “You are not able to produce happiness right now. That is why you feel like you haven’t been happy in a really long time.” You looked at his brown eyes, and recalled, “I love the way you talk.” You heard him let out a small laugh. 

Getting on the jet was terrible. The way everyone stared at you like you were about to break, was causing you to panic. You couldn’t even produce a smile to comfort them. Instead you gave them a small nod, and went to the back of the jet away from everyone. Spencer, gave you space even though all you wanted was him near you. You wanted him next to you, to feel supported. It wasn’t until 10 minutes after the jet took off for everyone to fall into their usual routine. JJ, Tara, and David sitting around the table, Matt already working on his report so he could get back to his family. Luke was on his phone probably checking in with his dog sitter, and Spencer was talking to Emily. Everyone was okay, just another case in their back pockets, but for you right now you felt anger and sorrow. You put your team through an unnecessary amount of stress and struggle, and yet they all seemed fine. Even Spencer who in some sick way you thought would be struggling the most looked fine. It wasn’t fair that your emotions were so confusing. You wanted the team to be fine, you didn’t want to be the reason to cause them pain or stress, but also you didn’t want them to be okay because if they could be okay after something like this happening you then maybe they didn’t care for you like you thought they did. And the feeling of neglect ate away at you more than anything. 

Emily was the first to come talk to you on the jet. Spencer sat on the opposite end of the plane pretending to read after he was done talking to Emily. He tried to tell her about how you were feeling. He warned Emily about all negative effects of MDMA. As in most situations he used his knowledge to help him figure out the best course of action, this was no different, except that it was you. When it came to you he couldn’t ignore the feelings that shadowed his thoughts. He didn’t know how to help you, other than give you a moment to yourself. Emily told you that she wanted you to take 30 days off, with some bureau provided therapy with an evaluation at the end. It was something you were not happy about. You couldn’t help but feel like you were letting the team down. By going on leave, the team would be down one less person, but with that thought came the one about if they end up doing better without you then you were unneeded. It was wrong of you to think that way. You knew that, but your brain kept taking you to dark places you didn’t want to be in.