Oct 3, 2018
senior year is just me getting high and eating chocolate chip dunkers from trader joe’s
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senior year is just me getting high and eating chocolate chip dunkers from trader joe’s
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I DID IT!! After 3 and a half years that feel at once like a blink of an eye and a lifetime, I finally have my BA in Art History and a minor in Literature!! Still unsure as to how I pulled this off and managed to graduate early tbh. I think about who I was when I moved in in August 2014, so small and innocent with a truly unfortunate haircut, thinking I wanted to study Philosophy and also being generally confused about what I wanted out of life. For a long time, I put myself into situations I didn’t need to be a part of just so that I could simply be a part of something. For a long time I thought that going to this university would be the best thing I would ever do, but now I see the deep cracks in the facade of my university and all of the problems with it. This isn’t a perfect institution. But honestly, what university is? This school has given me such sadness, anxiety, competitiveness and jealousy, and I kind of hate that. But it’s also given me a broad liberal arts education, given me access to all of the culture and art in this great city and given me the support from faculty and friends to pursue my dreams of further education. And now I have some semblance of what I want in life (and that’s mostly thanks to abroad, honestly- another thing I’m thankful to my university for facilitating.) I want to be strong, and brave, and intelligent but not cocky about it, and I want to do the best I can in life and wind up where I’m supposed to be. And I think I know I will. The future is a hazy wavy mess. I have no fucking idea what happens next. I am scared that this is the best thing I will ever do. But I also know that that’s not true; I have a whole life ahead of me. Maybe I won’t change the world; in fact, I know I won’t change the world. But maybe I can change one person’s viewpoint or uncover something new about an artist or just simply be kind and considerate and be the best me I can be. And that’s all I can hope for for now. Now, let me just celebrate my BA! FINALLY!!!
[lol this not an attractive picture in any way] well today I unexpectedly completely moved out of my dorm and checked out and everything (was going to spend the night in my room tonight but I’m not anymore) and I will officially never live in a dorm again HOORAY!!! Did get quite stressed and panicked about getting everything into my dad’s car, and we did it, but I had to keep a painting over my head for the entirety of our drive to the hotel (lolololol what is my life tho??) Keep feeling overly nostalgic about things that don’t matter, and the tiniest things too, like the walk to the library and taking the bus to work. And I know that I shouldn’t be feeling sad and this nostalgic and that it’ll be great to have this chapter behind me, but damn, that doesn’t help this irrational nostalgia at all. Graduation tomorrow!! Stay tuned for some classic cap and gown pics lol.
it is 1pm and it is snowing outside and I have to get a bagel and go to the library and write a 10pg paper that is due in 36 hours and yet I am still lying in bed with no motivation to do this project and I am so mad at myself for being annoying to people, and mad that once I leave college I can’t be independent again for a while, and mad that my best friend isn’t texting me back and mad that my other really good friend, who works in the culinary world in NYC, will never understand a lot of parts of me because she just doesn’t care at all, I can’t send her pictures of art or quotes from books or whatever bc she just DOESNT care, and I’m annoyed that I don’t have anyone to share this love of books and art with who loves it as much as I do, but I’m also annoyed that if I did have a friend who was studying art history I know I’d be insanely competitive and jealous of any successful thing they did, and I’m mad that I’ll be done with college in 6 freaking days and I am still lying in bed, sad beyond belief, and feeling so alone in this big city and this big world
but. Just gotta get my ass to the deli, Starbs, and the lib and then write a shit draft of this paper. One thing at a time.
ok scratch what i posted yesterday, i actually do think that it’ll be so hard to not have my university be a part of my identity anymore once i graduate and to not call DC home and to not have an academic institution to hide behind and jesus christ i never had a fantastic time at this university, like seriously looking back, i can think of some fabulous days and experiences (a ball at the National Portrait Gallery! Zoo Lights! a million visits to NGA! seeing Mulaney live!) but also SOOOOO much self-hatred and doubt and jealousy and depression, all of which were literally fostered and practically encouraged by this institution itself, and i’ll be so happy to have my BA but.... this was my life for practically 4 years. i am such a different person than i was when i entered uni- that 18 year old girl is practically unrecognizable to who i am now. and i’m proud of how i’ve grown, and how this institution has made me the person i am today. but i also know that parts of me are really fucked up because of it. and idk i’m feeling really mixed up right now.
t-minus 12 days lololol i’m stressed
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Ever since all of this bad stuff began to happen when my grandpa hurt himself last Sunday (10 days ago), I haven’t been able to think straight. I keep getting so mixed up in my head and doubting everything I’ve ever held close to me. Do I really want to go to grad school? Would I even be able to make it in academia? I’ve been running full force towards this goal since freshman year of undergrad, but is this actually what I ultimately want? And further... I’m scared as fucking hell for the next two weeks. I think exams will be fine- and my painting final project will be okay too. I’m really nervous about my papers tho, particularly my Manet Impressionism paper, which keeps giving me intense anxiety because it’s due in a week and a half and I have no ideas of what to write. And I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I do know that I will write it- I have written more papers in less time before. But I’m still so nervous for all of this and so scared. And i wish I didn’t have to go through all of this while still grieving my grandpa and having all of these doubts and putting together grad apps and having anxieties about relatively small things. I just want to be able to think clearly again
my grandpa has been dead for 3 days now and everything feels very, very, very surreal and weird. it still doesn’t feel real to me that he’s just... gone. i keep expecting him to be just upstairs, reading his magazines and newspapers. but no. he’ s gone. literally forever. and that just doesn’t feel real to me... his wake is tomorrow and his funeral is on Monday. and i’m so scared for tomorrow, i don’t want to go to a wake and see his body without his spirit inside of it, i won’t really mind the mass but then that’ll mean that it’s REALLY all over. and as much as i enjoy seeing my little cousin and my parents and my family that lives on the other side of the world this week, god i just keep WISHING that this didn’t have to happen, that i could have been happily complaining about school and going to work back at uni this week, that i could have taken the fast Acela train home next Tuesday and had my grandparents pick me up at the station, made my favorite dinner together and gone food shopping on Wednesday before my parents arrived, had dinner and watched the parade on Thanksgiving, then gone shopping on Black Friday. for the past three years, Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday strictly because of how much i enjoy going to see my grandparents and having the comforting and peaceful holiday there with them. and now, this year, my parents won’t even be here for Thanksgiving and it’ll just be me, my grandma, and my aunt. and nothing is normal anymore, everything is different, i’m so stressed out about schoolwork and my Manet essay on top of literally everything else and i just started filling out my grad apps online bc i’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to be easy on myself and i! am so! stressed and upset and omg i just want to feel okay and normal again but i don’t think that’ll ever happen again????
Yesterday I met my best friend after my classes were out for the day and we walked to Dunkin to get coffee and breakfast sandwiches at like 4pm lol then the curiousity about TSwift’s new album completely took us over and so we went back to her place and she downloaded the album and we made brownies and tea while it was downloading and then listened to it in the dark in her room and wow what an amazing album tbh, what a ruthless and strong and beautiful piece of art!!! Say what you will about TSwizzle, but I’ll always love her a lot. Then we talked a lot about nothing really too important, and watched an episode of B99, and then an episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, and finally we walked me back home in the bitter, bitter cold, and I felt pretty happy but also so nostalgic. I graduate in five weeks. Five! Freaking! Weeks!!!! And I’m not prepared??? At all?? I don’t want to leave this city?? I don’t want to leave my best friend again?? I don’t want everything to change so drastically!!! I am so excited about finally being DONE but also really so so so nervous. And I don’t have any cute or snappy ending for this, that’s just it. I’m sad and nostalgic but also really happy at the same time and idk what I feel anymore. Bye