#squishy rants

so who else is really fucking upset about thisvid removing all the good content (aka the scat)????? they really moved on it so fucking fast, too

TW: S/A, neglect, mommy issues, trust issues, etc.

(This is really just my last resort to getting all this shit off my chest. Also this will mention my deadname so yeah)

So when I was 8, my mom met this guy named Josh, he was okay. He tried to be like the dad I wish I could’ve had, but one night, he snuck into my room and locked my door. Then he told me I was dreaming and for me to put my face in my pillow, so I did, then I felt my pants going down and something rubbing against my… “tunnel.” I asked him what he was doing and he told me not to worry about it and to keep my face in my pillow, or he’d make me keep it there. I got scared and put my head back in my pillow and he put his hand on my back, gripping my pajamas. After what I could only assume was half an hour or so, he left. I told my mom about it but she didn’t believe me, not only that, but she guilt tripped me into talking about it with him. He started crying and saying stuff like “I’d never do such a thing” and “I see you as my own daughter, Emery” and so on and so forth. My grandma and aunt Lys believed me though, so I’m grateful for that.

The S/A went on for four years (it stopped when I was 11) the last time he did it was when his 5 year old son was visiting. He had him stay in my room while he took me to his and my mom’s room, sitting me in his gaming chair and wrapping my mom’s bandanna around my eyes, he told me we were gonna do a taste testing thing, he said he didn’t have a spoon though so he’d have to use his finger. He told me to get all the peanut butter or whatever it was on his finger off it. It was normal til the last time, he put, what I can only assume, was his dick in my mouth which obviously caused me to choke and pull away. I went to take the bandanna off and he told me to wait, I heard a zipper and then he said I could take it off. He asked if I was okay and I started crying a little and asking “What was that-?” He reassured me that it was just his finger (but I didn’t feel any nail SIR.😒) A few weeks later and he was put in jail for selling edibles at home or something.

After he was put in jail my mom was like “Well, now I hope you’re happy. Now your brother doesn’t have a dad to look up to! Does that seem fair to you, Emery?” As if all he did wasn’t just leaving my little brother in my room to watch TV and leaving me to take care of him while he just sat in his room playing video games. My mom has been a big fear of mine since I was 6, she has rarely been a good mother to me , or to anyone for that matter. Because the moment I was born, she left me to be my grandparents responsibility just so she didn’t have to worry about me. Even now she still expects my trauma to have just *POOF* vanished! As if that’s how it works.

And just a couple hours ago, her and ex boyfriend number 13 (yes, I keep count) got into a pretty heated argument and broke up. And because I’m emotional and a fucking crybaby, I obviously started crying in my closet, so I called my best friend and drew some quote art. But seriously, trauma doesn’t just resolve itself if the problem is away from the victim/victims. It takes time and effort to help the person get better and find a good coping mechanism for it (like therapy, drawing, writing, crocheting, writing, reading, etc.).