#spooningafterdark

The little comment i threw in last night about women emotionally cheating had the exact desired reaction I wanted. This morning my husband asked me if I was mad at him, I simply responded no. He asked me if with my comment I was trying to tell him something. I said no. Just what I said. What he doesn’t get is that when he talks to me about my weight, it never makes me want to lose weight. It makes me want to eat more. So for this breakfast as a big fuck you to him I had the #29 at Jack in the Box. Now I’m drinking a sugary coffee. And loving every moment of it. But starting next week, I’m about to get in such good shape. I’m going to want him to think I’m cheating. I’m going to want the doubt to drive him crazy, and I can’t wait.

Hmmm ... hmmm ...

Last week I was at my company's holiday party. My husband couldn't make it . On top of that I just started with the company in March, so I'm still pretty new and need to spend more time meeting people than making sure he is alright. I decided to volunteer at this event. Another volunteer was a guy named Max. He works in a different department and I had only met him once before. He kept coming to the registration both where I was making sure myself and another co-worker always has a fresh, full glass of champagne. I had on a cute black and white fitted dress and amazing black fuck me heels. At some point in him coming to my table, he told me that I gave him flirty eye and that I needed to stop it. Now this is not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time that someone has mentioned to me that I just flirted with them. I have had guys ask me in mid conversation, "Did you just flirt with me?" My response is always, "Did I?" It's usually not intentional and most times I don't even realize that I'm doing it. So Max said this to me and I laughed. I then told him it was impossible that I flirted with him. He asked how. I said since I have been married for a few years, I've lost my touch and wouldn't even know where to begin with flirting. He told me he begs to differ and then insisted that I flirted with him again. This back and forth flirty banter went on the rest of the night . There was a lot of talks about how he wishes he met me before my husband. He needs one date with me. I should have a bite to eat with him afterwards. How attractive I am and all that. You know that's all my thirsty ass needed to hear. I wasn't all over him since it was a work event, and people know I'm married. I had on my rings too. So it was very noticeable. At one point during the night he was standing with his back to me while I was talking to a co worker. He whispered in my ear, "You've got me captive like a puppy dog. I'm not leaving your side this whole night." I cannot lie. I was IMMENSELY turned on by that. He reminded me that night of the guys I read about in my smutty books. Always touching their women. Even if it's a finger down the arm...a tap on the shoulder... Anything. Just always touching. He was doing that. Not crazy. Just always touching. It was nice. I was like a moth to a flame. I didn't go far from him the entire night. We exchanged numbers. The next day he texted me a couple of times. But as with most things, the morning after I had a different outlook. I realized what was going on and couldn't even delve into a conversation too deep with him. I felt bad and wrong. Mostly wrong to myself. I felt like I was doing myself a dis-service. Engaging in a conversation with him that has nothing to do with work just made me feel like yuck. On top of that, he's not physically my type. He was probably only about 5'7, maybe 170. Cool little build. Dresses well. Amazing NY accent. Very charming. Full thick beard. Brown skin and glasses . I'm sure I'll see him at some company event in the future. But I didn't completely self destruct so that's progress right?

•college educated •no children out of wedlock •doesn’t cheat •isn’t abusive, physically atleast 😒 •isn’t a frequent member of the club scene •has a good career •"provides for his woman" financially really is the only way he provides, but I have a full time job and work as hard as him , but if I need some extra he will give it to me , but we split our bills down the middle • doesn’t have a substance abuse problem •doesn’t have a jail record •not gay And blah blah blah … My husband thinks he’s in the top 10% of black men because of this. He then went on and told our therapist that he knows that it would be a little difficult for me to find a man as good as him. Especially a black man. He said he knows that I probably was thinking that i would get with a white man. Which in that moment, I was just thinking about not being with him. But what I need for black men to get through their damn skulls that what you are doing isn’t special! It may be special for some black men but for other cultures what they are doing is REGULAR!! It’s BASIC!!! Guys of other cultures consider all that stuff second nature! It’s basic. So basic. I just need them to relax. Relax. Be a good man. Treat your woman right. Pay your bills and taxes. Love God. Be a good and caring friend. Love your family and parents. Everything else will fall in line.

Not only am I an emotional eater, but I eat until I'm full. I eat until I'm stuffed. That's horrible. I love the feeling of being full... It's some weird satisfaction I get from it. Tonight my husband is gone. I spent the night eating 2 chicken sandwiches from McDonalds, medium fries and three chocolate chip cookies. Lordie. What is wrong with me?!

He said that I’ve put on about 30 pounds. He says that he married me smaller and he’s more attracted to me when I’m smaller. He said he should be able to tell his wife that he wants her to be smaller. I told him this is true, but his delivery of the request is terrible. Also - I told him that I’ve lost 7 pounds and he should celebrate the 7 pounds. He told me it took me 11 months to lose 7 pounds and since he knows I'm not serious he's not going to praise me for that. I'm at a loss for what to do with my relationship. Literally I have no idea what I'm going to do with him. I'm praying for a decision to appear to me. I'm praying for a revelation some kinda way.

There is a really great band named Arctic Monkeys and they have an amazing song called 505. The song is about going back to a happier time in a relationship. I’m going back to 505. If it’s a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive. In my imagination you’re waiting lying on your side. With your hands between your thighs. Then later it’s almost as if the singer is saying I’ll take you however I can get you with: I’d probably still adore you with your hands around my neck. Or I did last time I checked . I want to go back to 505. But not in my marriage. Terrible I know. But I don’t care. When I think about all of my relationships and the easiest and most simple it would have to be Eddie. We fucked good. We ate. We partied. We laughed. We hung with both families. We had fun. We laughed hard. We cuddled. We kissed. We smiled. We touched. And I ruined it. Kinda but not really. After hanging for a few months, and having all that fun, I was ready to put a title on it. He wasn’t. It was hard to have a serious talk with Eddie. Very hard. I wanted to put a title on us so bad. I wanted it to be official that I was his and vis versa. I wanted to know with confidence that it was an us and not just and me and him. Typical girl I know. Instead of just having fun and just going with the flow, I wanted to be claimed. It's almost a validation that comes being in a relationship. Like I'm good enough for someone to want to be with me. I'm good enough for someone to decide that they only want to be with me. Only call me. Only complain to me. Only fuck me. When I tried to have that serious talk with him it didn't work. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to state what you want and not settle. Nothing wrong with that at all. But damn I wish my older self could go back and have told my younger self to relax. To be present. Be in the moment and enjoy yourself. Who knows what my present would be like now.

I have a crush on my Pastor. 😩😁