There was a heavy weight in Fai’s chest when he looked at Sakura and Syaoran, already well aware of their fate, but now he was finding that weight was there when Kurogane came into his field of vision.  He didn’t know why; of them all, wouldn’t Kurogane be the one with a happy ending- he’d go back to the country he loved, that he never wanted to leave and it sounded as if he had people that cared for him there.  A good care, not the care that Fai experienced in Celes with Ashura. That weight, that block became heavier and heavier and as time wore on, Fai realized it was because he wanted to be part of that happy ending with Kurogane.  That was impossible, though, and he continued to smile widely and try to quash all these feelings that welled up within him.  With the kids, he could try to justify his distance, but it was for naught.  He had no justification for trying to keep distance between him and Kurogane with the exception the man could easily kill him if he wanted.  Kurogane didn’t respect this distance, though, in fact, he went out of his way to obliterate that distance whether intentionally or not, Fai couldn’t figure him out.  And that was frustrating because Kurogane seemed to be having no trouble figuring him out.  

Fai already felt as if time was slipping away from him, he knew he wouldn’t have much more time with this Sakura and Syaoran and he began to wonder how much more time would he have with Kurogane?  Certainly not enough time to figure out Kurogane.  When they arrived in his country, would the ninja simply elect to stay there and wave the other three off with Mokona? The pressure built in chest as he found himself getting deeper and deeper into things, much more intertwined with these other travelers than he wanted.  To the point, they were no longer travelers, more like friends and even beyond that, he wondered if this is what a family truly was.  Was this how it would have been in Valeria if things had been different?  And Kurogane- he was the one Fai still couldn’t figure out; apparently, never would.  He was too scared to, afraid of what he would have to admit to himself and he knew time wasn’t on his side because Kurogane was the witch’s pawn, not Reed’s.   

He felt the hands of time squeezing him and he only found comfort in the fact that he had no plans to be alive after this was all said and done.  Because how could he live with himself after he betrayed these people, this family?  There was no way he would be able to continue living on after that betrayal; he didn’t even want to think that they might be hurt by him but, deep down, he knew they would be.  He didn’t want to but he had to and he felt so much guilt because he didn’t want to hurt them but he also didn’t want to abandon his brother, the real Fai.  He had to give this life back to Fai, he had to amend and atone for his wrong doing. And the immense guilt he felt for even second guessing himself weighed heavily upon him because what did that say about him? How could he doubt for even a second that he shouldn’t bring his twin back to life, that the sacrifice required was too great; not just of Fai, but of Sakura, Syaoran, and Kurogane? No, he couldn’t think that way and time was slipping by and he was growing closer to those three and even Mokona who he had only first viewed as a magical creation but was now actively worrying over the thing.

Then Tokyo happened with it’s ugly acid rain and horrid devastation and that world was something nightmares were made of.  He felt time constrict further around him because what on earth had Kurogane done?  Fai had finally had an escape, he finally didn’t have to suffer through the immense guilt and suffering he felt when he thought of his twin, his blood family, Ashura, he didn’t have to deal with the conflict he felt when he thought of betraying his traveling family, he wouldn’t even have need to feel anything anymore.  He would be free, free, free! He could hopefully see his brother again if he were allowed, if his brother would even want to see him.  Sakura and Syaoran would be safe and not have to feel the bitter sting of betrayal brought on by Fai.  And Kurogane- and Kurogane would be free of him because he clearly needed to be set free; that much was clear in how easy and readily Kurogane had agreed with Yuuko’s plan to save Fai’s life despite the sacrifices he’d have to make.  And Fai hated him for it because now it would all be Kurogane’s fault, he was alive now and couldn’t very well abandon his plan and how had he let this happen?  When and how had Kurogane grown this fond of him that he would save his life like this?  Was there something that Fai didn’t see, something he didn’t understand?  Fai reflected on the person he was and saw nothing but faults and efforts to push all of them away, Kurogane included but the ninja must have been seeing something totally different and Fai was at a loss.  

Then Celes happened and that was…..  Something that even now Fai had trouble grasping.  Kurogane was there the entire time, never leaving and even being willing to fight but for an entirely different reason than Fai.  And at the end, Fai had failed in his mission to save his twin, but now he knew what his twin had been thinking about at the end and Fai knew his brother held no ill will towards him.  He was sure that his brother would still be in his nightmares but not with the accusations as before.  It didn’t matter, though, because he was going to die anyway.  He figured he would finally be able to join his brother in death, but there was Kurogane again, pulling at him frantically and determinedly and Fai had his mind blown at the lengths this man was willing to go for him.  

Then there had been Nihon, Kurogane’s country.  Fai was relieved when they landed there and Tomoyo sought them out, knowing that Kurogane would need immediate medical attention and even comforted Fai as he cried over the prone figure that was Kurogane, Syaoran still holding Sakura and looking around uncertainly, unsure what to do, until he spotted the calvary heading in their direction.  Fai was worried, he waited for news of Kurogane’s condition and was relieved that he would be okay.  Now the next worries started flooding him and he wondered if Kurogane would simply choose to stay here? They were in Nihon now and what if he stayed behind?  For some reason, that twisted Fai’s heart all sorts of ways, the same as the image that played over in his mind again and again of Kurogane yanking him out of that magic sphere even as blood spewed out of him.  Why had he done that? Fai knew he had to do something and contacted Yuuko.  Yuuko looked at him with pained eyes, knowing everything that had happened and knowing some of what was in store, he was sure.  She had agreed to get him the fake arm but informed him of the price.  When he agreed, she paused and asked if he would check with Kurogane first and Fai shook his head simply stating that Kurogane hadn’t checked with him about his arm first so fair was fair.  Yuuko couldn’t disagree with that kind of logic.  Fai wanted to at least give the man something in return for all the trouble he’d brought to him before they left him in this country.  

There were hands on Fai’s as he turned the hourglass again.  “Fai?”  

Fai looked up to find Kurogane staring down at him in concern and there was something else in his eyes that Fai always had trouble believing was meant for him.  Tomoyo told him once that Kurogane adored him and Fai laughed but when he looked like that, Fai couldn’t exactly say that Tomoyo was wrong.  He hoped his own eyes reflected some adoration but he was sure his eyes only expressed awe because he was still in awe- always would be in awe- that someone thought he was worth as much as Kurogane did.  And not only did Kurogane think that but Sakura, Syaoran, Mokona, Tomoyo, Yuuko, people- there were people out there that didn’t think he was nothing but misfortune.  They all acted like they were fortunate to have met him, for him to be a part of their lives and them to be part of his.  

“Fai?” Kurogane repeated, squeezed his hands gently, waiting for a response.  Fai smiled at him, one full of sincerity and bliss and Kurogane’s mood was instantly brightened at the sight.  He brought one hand up to rake through golden hair and pulled Fai closer to him.  “What are you doing?”

“I was just thinking of time and how it slips away,” he explained.  His voice dropped to a whisper, “I used to think I’d have a very limited amount of time with you.”  Kurogane’s arms tightened around him protectively and he looked down at Fai.