Admissions
La’ an laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling waiting for sleep to finally take her. Despite her exhaustion, she couldn’t get her mind to settle long enough. She turned to the dresser a few feet away from her, staring at the top drawer, one she kept empty. The sole item in the drawer was a clean pair of black socks, neatly folded and placed carefully in the corner as if to leave space for more in the future.
Beside her, the bed was empty, a sensation La’an was beginning to realize she hated. Spending nights curled in Spock’s arms had become a solace to her and after he pulled her back from the brink while she was Vulcan, her feelings for him deepened in a way she had never felt before.
The days following, avoided long conversations with Spock if they were unnecessary, feeling too raw after the encounter, but spending so much time without him felt wrong. She spent so much time avoiding putting a label on the relationship, that she ignored the depths of her own feelings for him.
How here she was laying awake in the middle of the night wishing he was there.
“Fuck it,” La’an muttered as she slid from her bed and dragged on a sweatshirt to go with her pajama pants. She slid on a pair of slippers and left her room, heading directly for Spock’s. The entire way, she contemplated what she could possibly say to him. She had so many thoughts and ideas, it wasn’t until she was at his door and ringing his call button that she realized she had no idea how to even begin.
Before she could abandon her half baked plan, Spock’s door slid open and he stood on the other side looking just as put together as any other time, though La’an could tell he was tired.
“La’an, is everything alright?” Spock asked, his voice exposing his concern and shock at her presence.
“I’m fine. I… I just...wanted to ...see you.” La’an mentally berated herself or not even being able to speak coherently. Te admission though made Spock’s eye widen.
“Of course,” He replied, almost wistfully as he stepped aside and motioned for La’an to enter.
Stepping into Spock’s quarters, La’an didn’t move far inside, even as Spock passed her. She wrung her hands behind her back still trying to find the words she wanted to say.
“Is something bothering you?” Spock asked, bringing La’an back into the present. She looked at him with his Vulcan stoicism relaxed to display his concern. “You do not usually come to my quarters unannounced.”
La’an swallowed, then looked back down to the floor. She didn’t think she could look at him as she said what she wanted. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“What would you like to discuss?” Spock inquired. La’an could see the edges of his slippers in her peripheral.
“Us.”
“Is something in our relationship displeasing to you?” La’an could hear the fear in Spock’s voice as he asked and she felt horrible for causing it.
“No...not at all. I just…” La’an sighed heavily, then clenched and relaxed her fists. She mustered as much courage as she could and looked Spock directly in the eye. “I was laying in bed and I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was how much I wanted you to be there with me. I…”
La’an looked back down at her feet fighting to find the best words. She sensed Spock’s presence grow ever so slightly closer and it calmed her. She looked back up at him as he stared at her with anticipation. Her mind settled and the words she wanted to say began to flow from her lips.
“I don’t know if I would call it ‘love’, but I know that you make me feel safe and seen. I know your presence brings me joy and peace. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. I don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to let you go.”
La’an watched Spock’s face shift. He didn’t emote as openly as a human, but it was in the shift of his eyebrows. The way they lifted subtly and the way the corner of his lips lifted. He stepped up to La’an, reaching down and intertwining their fingers. La’an was still trying to understand the nature of Vulcan touch telepathy, but she could say without argument that holding his hand settled her unlike anything else did.
“Would you like to stay with me?” Spock’s voice was gentle, as gentle as the day they first kissed. La’an sensed there was more he wanted to ask, but he seemed thrilled at her confession, no matter how stilted it was. This was his way of accepting. She smiled up at him, squeezing his hand gently.
“Of course,” La’an cooed.
It wasn’t a grand gesture or even a declaration of undying love, but the small step of acknowledging her feelings for him was enough. As La’an followed Spock to his bed, she couldn’t help but imagine doing this every evening. The thought made her smile as she looked at Spock, a man others would consider cold and distant, a man who she knew was anything but.
Perhaps, she was ready to leave her own pair of socks in the drawer she knew he left empty for her.
