#spntrash

Some time passed by, it almost felt like a whole narrative apart, when he smiled again. Tears were shed, bonds felt like breaking, and his sanity was nonexistent, and Dean spoke his small but loud truth: I'd rather have you, cursed or not. He felt seen by Dean. Castiel knew Dean forgave him, but it was not only it, was it? Castiel smiled, shyly, but powerful. It was like smiling for the first time. It was warmer, cozier, and felt truer than ever before: Dean wanted Castiel by his side, even when he felt and was useless. Dean Winchester, at the possible end of their lives, wanted Castiel to fight with him. How could anyone avoid smiling over that?

Then, Castiel smiled as some humans would: to show excitement. Castiel wanted to be a hunter, and so he told Dean. But it was less the idea of hunting, it was not about helping humanity to cope against the so-called abominations. It was all about Dean Winchester, as he had told Castiel before that he wanted to fight by his side. Castiel could die for Dean, Castiel wanted to protect him, not only when convenient, but every day. Maybe it was Castiel's chance to protect Dean from all harm. Castiel smiled to reassure Dean that he wanted to be a hunter, when all he wanted was to be by his side.

Next time, all that Castiel needed to smile was one word over the telephone: everything. Castiel, for the first time, smiled thanks to Dean without him there to see it. Or, was it the first time? Maybe it was the first time Castiel would admit it to himself that Dean’s existence made him smile. And this smile was natural, easy, obvious, just by listening to Dean Winchester. This smile came with the warm, cozy and absolute feeling on his being, but also brought a beautiful and confusing movement inside him. Humans talked about this, refering to them a butterflies. For Castiel, everything felt like the first earthquake created under the fury of nature and God, just easier and better. Scary, inevitable and absolute. Love was the weirdest natural disaster.

It was the end of an era, and Castiel not only smiled, but laughed. It was more like a consequence of alcohol than anything. The brothers were drinking too, they were all together remembering Jack. He was gone, he was dead, and Castiel felt numb. But there, they agreed to free themselves just for a while. They ate, drinked, talked and laughed like never before. But Castiel saw Dean's pain, he saw his guilt and his anger, the same as always —even when he shouldn't—. Castiel wanted so bad to laugh shamelessly under other circumstances, without the pain and the regrets. He wanted to laugh with Dean, alone, completely, engrossing. He wanted Dean.

Then, Castiel was sitting next to Dean in the bunker. They had a reason to celebrate thanks to Jack. Cas felt closer to happiness than before, but not enterly; at least he knew he shouldn't be completely happy. Castiel made a deal, and it was fatal. But there, they were having their little-fantasy moment, a parentheses from everything and everyone. It felt like home, having a drink with him, talking. They discussed Kelly's faith in Jack, a faith that Castiel always shared. There, Castiel saw Dean, he really saw him. Dean was fixated on revenge, when he only perspired love. Dean, so wrong on his own perception. Dean, so beautiful and perfectly human, was victim of the ultimate mistake: self-hate. And there, Castiel also knew Dean was far from happy. Castiel couldn’t conceive a happy world where Dean couldn't be happy, too. Castiel wanted Dean to be happy, with or without him; but it was far from possible. Castiel smiled, a hurting smile that, he knew, Dean wouldn't even try to analize. Castiel smiled, feeling nostalgia over an inexistent memory, imagining sitting right next to Dean, drinking, watching him, under the same room... but kissing him, both old and together, and happy. Castiel smiled to Dean, but he was not really there.

The last time Castiel smiled at Dean, everything was said without words, just as Dean did with his powerful, sunflower eyes. Dean remained speechless, beautiful as ever. It was confusing for Castiel to smile while crying. For Castiel, smiling always felt intrusive. He couldn't control it, it was such a warm, cozy feeling, the one that evoked his lips to give up. This time, it was different. Castiel was not smiling victim of his impulses, but by premeditated decision, an act so human and divine. He wanted to tell Dean it was alright. He wanted to make Dean smile as much as Dean made him smile all the time they were together. Castiel knew that Dean had more experience feeling happiness, feeling sadness, feeling, in general. But it was Dean the soul that provoked feelings over an ethereal being. Dean, the acclaimed sword, felt more like Eros’ arrow to the angel. Castiel existed as long as time, but Dean helped him live for the first time. Castiel was done, he was gone already, even before the Empty. He was gone on love. He was gone on Dean, and it was not happiness, it couldn’t be only that. It was bliss. It was peace. It meant everything. Castiel wanted Dean to remember him smiling, just as Castiel remembered Dean when he was alone. He did fell in love with humanity, and it was worth it. Castiel loved him so much, giving up his own existence was worth it. It was warm, cozy and absolute, it was Dean. Just Dean.

Inspired by this twt thread