#spn reader insert angst

We’ve been doing a lot of hunts recently… I think it might be Dean’s way of keeping me distracted. Especially since Christmas and your one year is approaching. It’s definitely been a hard year without you and I truly miss you.

I love you dearly and I’m still trying to find a place in my mind where I can forgive myself, but I just can’t. I know if you were here you’d try and help me through this all, but I know you’re in a better place. I know you and our son or daughter are up in heaven right now getting to live the happiest moments you could ever dream of.

I bet you’re preparing to celebrate Christmas with “me.” You’re probably decorating the tree with Christmas lights and stringing them all throughout the bunker as well.

I still remember the moment that I first fell in love with you. We had been dating for awhile, and even with our hunter lives you still craved the normal things whether it be holidays, mini vacations, or even just the ability to sleep in and take a day to do laundry or something. We were on a hunt in Colorado- a wendigo case to be exact.

It was December and the city was holding a light parade, and had a decorated tree in the square. You begged and begged us to see it. However, the answer was always the case had to come first. But deep down, Dean was going to cave and I was too so Dean made you a deal. The case was to be finished first then we could all go see the lights. The look of disappointment on your face when you realized we missed that parade…. We felt horrible, but then your eyes lit up. You dragged us out of the car and to the square to see the tree. The entire place was decked out in lights and decor. The tree was enormous- larger than me which you had to point out. You ran towards the tree, almost tripping over your own shoes in the process. I reluctantly followed, wanting to make sure you’d stay safe. We stood by that tree looking up at it, taking in all the ornaments and decorations on it.

I fell in love with the way your eyes sparkled and reflected the multi-colored lights. You practically glowed in the December snow; outshining the tree in my eyes. Your smile could melt away all snow and turn it into spring.

Dean and I were never that big into Christmas but you completely changed that for me. So when the next year rolled around, I was the one to drag you out of bed. It was early in the morning and you were freezing, begging for us to stay in bed longer. I know you just wanted to stay close to me and curl up in my arms. My excitement and energy had you curious and freaked out. You kept checking my face to see if I was sick, but it all made sense later on.

I bought us coffee and breakfast before we hit the local store to by all sorts of lights. We ended up with more than just lights. You bought a small tree, ornaments, and even a wreath. When we returned to the bunker we started on decorating. All sorts of colored and white lights were placed all around the bunker and especially in our room. You put me on light duty so I could hang them in places you couldn’t reach. While I did that you were on tree duty and placing the wreath up in the library.

Dean came shuffling in, rubbing his eye with the palm of his hand and a coffee in the other. He was puzzled to say the least… He grumbled out questions as to why we were doing this, but he then realized it wasn’t just you. Dean had gave us a tired, grumpy smile and helped you with the tree. He even joked that we could shrink Cas down and make him the tree topper. It was indubitably one that would have Cas confused.

I even remember when it was way into the months April when spring was here. The lights were still up throughout the bunker, but you always liked to turn them on some nights. It was one of those nights in particular. Your sleep patterns were off, your emotions haywire, and there were times that I thought you were catching a bug. But you came into our room and I saw a look in your eyes that I had never seen.

You could face countless monsters and possibilities of certain death, and you would still hold your ground even if you were scared. In that moment you were terrified and practically shrunk where you stood. I could’ve sworn I seen you slightly shaking. Your fingers were pulling and picking that the hem of your shirt.

It was a nervous habit that I had hardly ever seen. The only other time before this moment was when you confessed your feelings to me with a fear that I wouldn’t reciprocate them.

But when your mouth opened your voice shook and tears formed in your eyes. I got off the bed, setting my book aside not caring that I hadn’t marked the page as I made my way towards you. I set my hands gently on your shoulders hoping to anchor you and possibly catch you if you decided to fall to your knees. I could feel the slight tremble in your body as you looked up to me with tears finally rolling down your face.

You were scared to tell me you were pregnant…..

You knew what your pregnancy would bring. You would no longer be able to hunt and travel with us. We talked all night after you told me. We curled up in bed as you laid your head on my chest, crying and mumbling any and every possibility. I knew what they were- but you were laying them out and they were becoming far too real way too quickly. I had to slow you down and rub your back, kissing your head gently to calm you.

I wasn’t ready.

And neither were you.

We went to bed early in the morning and slept on the idea. When we woke, we didn’t utter a word to each other as we stewed in our thoughts over it. With one look we both knew.

We weren’t backing out of this.

I had worried I was going to be a horrible father and mess up. I feared that I would be the reason you would-

Those two months flew by in the blink of an eye.

You were bunker bound while Dean and I went on hunts. I often stayed up reading what I could about the pregnancy and parenting, but each time Dean was the one to give better advice than the books. After all, Dean did raise me.

Dean and I would try to find quick and easy hunts that way we wouldn’t be away for too long.

But of course, the pregnancy and the bunker made you antsy.

Then our biggest fear became a reality.

You left and word was out in the world of what was to come.

A shapeshifter had found out about your pregnancy and they hated Dean and I. In the past we had killed this shifter’s child but they had gotten away.

You were out in town buying a few things and the shifter saw you.

God, Baby I wish I was there… I was--

My hands started shaking as I felt my vision blurring. Tears rolled down my nose and dropped onto the paper.

I was supposed to protect you and keep you safe. It was my job to do that for you and our baby…. I know you probably could’ve protected yourself and I’m sure you put up a fight, but keeping you safe was something I told myself I’d do from the moment you became mine. I would take a bullet for you and take any injury to come your way if it meant you could walk away unharmed. I would do anything no matter the cost if it meant you got to keep on living and breathing.  

I am so sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I let myself down and I can and never will forgive myself--

“Sammy….” Dean’s voice was gentle as he walked in.

I pushed myself away and I felt his hand fall on my shoulder as the tears began to pour. Had I continued writing the paper would’ve been soaked.

“Why don’t we go put up some lights around the bunker? Maybe drink some eggnog and watch a movie?”

I looked up at my brother, nodding slightly. “I just- I miss her so much Dean….”

“I know,” he said rubbing my back. “We should go see her.”