#spinningg

Everything

In the past year I realized I don’t like men. To most of my family I just showed up with a girlfriend, I came out to my dad in December, but he didn’t “realize” until last week.. idk if he wasn’t listening or what but idk how many times we had the same conversation before he realized I was serious and he told me he wants me to be happy but he wants me to marry a man after he called my ex (male) and basically told him that we need to get our shit together because we want eachother…… anywaayyy I’ve been like randomly joking about it - lightheartedly, and my mom says “you don’t have to talk about it all the time, people don’t just go around announcing that they’re gay” and I’m just like… it was a joke

My ex (female) broke up with me and just left me in May right before my birthday saying we were going on a break, and she won’t let me despite her apparent disinterest

My grandma died last month and my whole life is changing, I crashed out and quit my job so I’m unemployed, now I have to keep my mom from being in bed depressed all day, and move to Florida with her so she can babysit my niece.

On the bright side I feel like my grandma’s kindness like transferred over to me…

Idk what it is it’s probably the fact that I’m not in the closet anymore (convincing myself I’m straight, afraid of Christian guilt after my brother outed me in 2012 and I denied it) but I feel like I’m finally coming into myself and the learned introvertedness is falling away

Men still turn me on but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be with one again. My gf got me so sprung and I never realized how unhappy I was in the past and how enamored I am with her now. Idk how I didn’t realize how gay I am for all these years. Idk how we got here either, I tried to breakup with her 3x at the beginning of our relationship and prayed for her to leave me alone (I don’t pray) but here she is in my bed 5 months later and I seem to want the relationship more than she does.

I’ve been thinking

What if I take them all

It’s fine I’ll be fine

I see faces in the dark

Flashing colors and lights

Everything’s a blur

I’m not waking up

Not anymore

Not this time

The faces greet me with a chilling comfort

“You’re home now”

This doesn’t feel like home

But then again, when have I ever?

Am I dreaming?

Am I alive?

OH No this is just like waking life

I’m still numb

I want to go back

But then again, I don’t

Maybe my next life will be better

But maybe I still have time to feel

Maybe I won’t experience so much pain

But maybe they did care

Did they?

I went from showing everyone, to hiding from everyone

Neither way was effective

They never came to help

They never did and they never would

If they did they wouldn’t know how

As much as they try

Or say they want to

It’s never the right time

Until it’s too late

I wake up

In a hospital bed

My head pounding

I survived

And so the cycle begins again

Just let me go back to sleep

Another day of pretending

To belong in this world

What was the point of any of this

What’s the point of anything