#spikemiller

When nostalgia stabs you in the back, it's a particularly hurtful kind of betrayal. I doubt anyone will have the same experience as I did watching Adventures in Dinosaur City but if I can discourage one person from viewing the film, it’ll be worth the time I spent reviewing it.

When Timmy (Omri Katz), Jamie (Tiffanie Poston), and Mick (Shawn Hoffman) get sucked into the world of Dinosaur City. They are horrified to find that their cartoon heroes, Rex (voiced by Patrick Labyorteaux), Top (voiced by David Jolliffe), and Forry (voiced by Rob Sherwood) are nothing but a bunch of losers at the mercy of the mysterious Mr. Big (also Labyorteaux). When Big steals a device that will cause a chain reaction and destroy Dinosaur city, the teenagers must convince the dinosaurs to rise against the tyrant and his army of cavemen.

Although I saw Adventures in Dinosaur City years ago, I didn’t remember anything about it except for the cover. We’ve got a rockin’ leather jacket-wearing T-Rex standing next to his buddy Tops. Rex is giving some kid a high five while his herbivorous friend gives a cheerful thumbs-up. “Fun for the whole family!” a starburst exclaims. What we have here is a typical late 80’s, early 90’s costume adventure movie with teenage protagonists. The jokes are bad, predictable, and immediately demonstrate how little thought was put into them. If someone is stupid they get called “Einstein” or “Bird Brain” even though I doubt the world of Dinosaur City has an actual Albert Einstein in it, or birds for that matter. There’s a lot of annoying characters saying one-liners in an attempt to make you gloss over how awful the plot and production are.

This is a story where things just happen. The kids find out that there’s a problem and decide to meet their idols Tops and Rex (someone must have busted out their thesaurus for those). From there you can predict everything. The girl with the ponytail and the glasses will lose them and lo and behold, she’s hot. Never mind that she wouldn’t be able to see anything, it’s time for the two older teens to fall in love. That couldn’t have happened before because they weren’t in the movie yet. The character arcs are so lazy you’ll be begging for something - anything - unexpected. I know I was. Then my wish was granted.

This is a film simultaneously so predictable you’ll be bored out of your skull, and so badly written you can’t tell what’s coming next. We’re told that Rex’s father (King) used to be a hero until Mr. Big arrived. Now the faceless Mr. Big rules the world and King has disappeared. What do you make of this setup? Perhaps a Star Wars-like reveal? Actually no. Mr. Big is just some random dinosaur. Basic movie and story-telling rules don't apply!

There’s no logic to the flow of ideas in Adventures in Dinosaur City. It's like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - and not only because they both have a scene where a bunch of reptiles talking in a bar. Combined with the Ghoulies-like bartenders, it’s freaking me out. How long have I been writing about this film, how many minutes wasted on a cheap cash-grab riding on the tail of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? The performances are terrible, and inexplicably so. There’s no way Timmy, Jamie, and Mick are young enough to sit through an episode of the Dinosaur City cartoon they're such big fans of. Maybe younger actors kept getting distracted by the horrendous lip-synch or the creatures' tails almost falling off in the fight scenes. They needed "pros" to keep a straight face.

At best, the sets and special effects in Dinosaur City are ok. That’s if we're being generous and disregarding the standards of 1991. Under any kind of analysis, the puppets and costumes don't cut it. The technical elements, acting, storytelling, are all abysmal. This film lures children with the promise of exciting adventure and a probable franchise (complete with catchphrases and signature cheers) but it disappoints on all accounts. I hope I never have to speak of Adventures in Dinosaur City again. (On VHS, November 29, 2015)