#spen.sys

a steddie fic stevie started writing is so goddamn good- like why the hell are ze so self conscious about xyr writing? i’m here so invested it’s so good oh my god

i personally want to rip stevie in half when she apologizes for living freely and actually not thinking about rambling or anything. it infuriates me. like DUDE get your fucking shit together and don’t give a fuck because you will be free and happy forever that way. live and love for you babe it’s your life and you live it how you want to

we’re dissociated as hell btw. it’s pretty much a blur of me and stevie because of it but i feel like we’re managing pretty well for what it’s worth

okay to be fair about this whole pronouns situation i thought it was obvious that anyone can ask any of us about our pronouns? like isn’t that a thing people do? ask about pronouns? and especially if we’re friends! i don’t care man look at me do you think i really will get upset about anything lmao

sorry to be sappy but i think this whole system thing is just about loving depsite if you really feel a connection to it or not. it’s a communal effort to keep all of this fucked up shit together. and it’s about the friends you make outside of it along the way! and even if your focus is on keeping one person good then that’s just another thing you all share in common. because i do love my headmates. some of them i like better than others and most of them i don’t even know but if it will keep this show running somehow then i’ll do whatever it takes honestly. any amount of the good that comes from any of it is always going to be more worth it than the sacrifices i made. i’m happy to know i’m not just the only one who feels what i do inside or outside. it’s an experience i feel surprisingly emotional about and i think that shows a lot about how much i’m willing to do for the greater good of us. ANYWAYS! i feel extra emotional after a conversation i’ve just had and wanted to say something about my experience right now :)

girl who acts like she only cares about herself and then gets emotional when talking about her favorite headmate

i am having flashbacks to a house??? do i have a house in our headspace that i am vaguely remembering right now?

being blurry/dissociated for days is the worst thing to ever happen. it really sucks not knowing who you are or how to navigate communication through that. because like i know some of me is there but not fully and that doesn’t feel right to continue like my full self. i’d rather wait it out until something figures itself out before i say or do anything. that isn’t healthy but i just feel guilty otherwise yknow? i don’t want to speak until it’s the full extent of me. that’s probably goddamn selfish but i really don’t know how to navigate that. and god forbid i talk about something else again. it’s a lot and i want to disappear back into my little hole of no communication :(