#spanker

Before we can get into the story proper we get a prologue to explain the motivation for this story.

This introduces the Band of the Bland, consisting of Dr. Angst, Sitting Bullseye, Black Hole, Spanker and Tillie the Hun. Meeting in Central Park, Spanker admonishes the rest the Blandies to introduce themselves. What convenient exposition. As they introductions proceed, the NYPD raids their get together. Our ridiculous villains overcome the boys in blue and Dr. Angst, Master of Mundane Mysticism reveals their purpose. To put themselves on the supervillain map, they will assassinate the All-Night-Party's presidential candidate, Howard T. Duck.

With that painful bit of nonsense done, we join the story proper which begins with Howard and his girlfriend are being subtly removed from The Plaza Hotel. For those of you unfamiliar with New York City, the Plaza is a famous and expensive hotel that now features extremely pricey condos in addition to rooms you can't rent by the hour.

Fortunately, Beverly knows some stewardesses they can crash with until they figure out their finances. Howard is under the impression that the All-Night-Party was supposed to be paying for this and they just assumed he's rich and will take care of it himself.

Exiting from the subway, Howard and Beverly run into Peter Parker and Maryjane Watson. They ask the couple for directions and Peter recognizes Beverly. This is a no-no since he only saw Beverly as Spider-Man. Maryjane isn't exactly thrilled that Peter seems to know Howard's squeeze and Peter tries to cover by saying she just looks like someone he knows. Maryjane gives them directions to their destination to get them the heck outta there.

After trying to follow the directions, they wind up in front of Doc's Sanctum Sanctorum. We learn that Sal can't draw the Vishanti window and that he things the entrance is street level with no stoop whatsoever.

Nighthawk lets the pair in after Beverly calls him the Falcon and the remaining Defenders enter the foyer looking none to pleased.

Howard attempts to vamoose but is stopped by a hastily conjured mystic shield. Howard accuses Nighthawk of feather-envy and Doc just says he believes they have much to discuss.

Back at Dr. Angst's apartment over a massage parlor, he engages in a string of bad puns and has the group eat something called Mettle Spheres made from a metal named Promethium and it makes them stronger, for now. For the effect to remain they must continually eat balls. (See, I can do it too!) Dr. Angst can't manufacture them himself so they will be raiding Doc's Sanctum for the necessary tools.

Doc and Howard blab a bit and Howard is surprised at how open Doc is about things. Howard tells Doc he stays away from magic whenever possible and just manages to stumble on it far too often. Doc is about to let Howard continue on his quest, when Howard asks Doc to try and send him home. It's off to the Orb of Agamotto!

Doc attempts to use the Orb and is pelted with tennis balls.

Hearing noise and distress, the Defenders attempt to come to Doc's aid but are stopped by a white picket fence. This is followed by an attack by The Band of the Bland.

Upstairs, Doc may be out-cold, but is not helpless. His astral body transfers Doc's powers to Howard.

Doc is guiding Howard as our anthropomorphic duck heads downstairs into the melee. Howard casts his first spell banishing some of the opponents.

Doc is no longer able to guide Howard as Dr. Angst has shut him put with a Hannibal Lecter looking device. Dr. Angst advances on Howard and next we find out that the Defenders and the rest of the Band were dispatched to Shea Stadium to inconveniently interrupt a football game. Yes, Shea was famous as the Mets home base, but I checked and the Jets played there too.

The two sides battle it out until most of the Band are subdued. Black Hole, who has a black hole imbedded in his chest attempts to use his talent on the Hulk, but Beverly puts Black Hole's arm into his black hole and he winds up self-swallowing. That's a talent some would be envious of.

Beverly is about to pick up the hole, but Nighthawk warns her off.

Back at the Sanctum, Howard and Dr. Angst continue to battle. Howard is actually faring rather well and uses the Cloak of Levitation to bind Angst and then punches him out cold. Doc revives in time to praise Howard and offers to tutor him. Howard is like No Way! Doc then brings back the rest of the crew and the Band. Doc has even retrieved Black Hole. He lets the Band know the mettle spheres are basically a placebo and the Band are lead away by the police. I'm hoping these are the ones Black Hole absorbed earlier and Doc has freed them.

Doc offers to continue the search for Howard's homeworld, but Howard politely declines asking for a buck so he can get a ride back uptown.