#spacfessions

Callie and Arizona have been, individually, my two favourite characters since about season 5. This I think is important because to my recollection theirs is the only relationship on the show which I whole-heartedly loved as well as loving the characters by themselves (for example, with jolex: I love the ship, love alex, but not jo by herself and similarly with japril: I love jackson, love april, but never like the ship itself especially etc.)

I also really like Eliza? She reminds me SO MUCH of season 5 Arizona (maybe without the authority issues) but I also think this is why her and Az get along so well- they seem to understand each other’s pace and thinking. Obviously Az has been through a lot since s5, and im hoping that this can be a beautiful opportunity for us to see her character development through essentially exploring a relationship with a version of her old self.

I also like Eliza because I really appreciate how she wasnt shoe-horned in like Penny, Lauren, Leah... obviously she isnt there to create conflict in the same way, but it has really surprised me that I would EVER be open to Az being in a relationship with anyone other than Callie, and a part of me is massively shipping them so hard.

But back to Calzona- the fact that we were told that they were to be endgame, the fact that Callie is alive somewhere, the incredible story we couldve seen of Az and Callie reconciling and falling in love again... its heartbreaking. 

I used to do rewatches of seasons 5-8 (Calzona golden years, obvs) but now even a gifset makes me just have to take a moment to think about how much i loved them and miss them.

So here is the other problem I’m having: I miss Calzona and I miss Callie (omygod i miss callie) but everyday since she has been off the show my respect and love for Sara has grown from all the simply incredible work she is doing. Sara saw that she has a following, a brand, and uses her celebrity in the most incredible ways. I remember when her ‘other projects’ were rumoured to be albums or a return to Broadway, but they’ve not been attempts to exploit her brand to do other stuff but exploit her brand to do good. this is the most commendable thing a celebrity can do with their fame and Sara recognising that and doing that to her fullest is truly commendable.

Oh yeah- the problem. The way I see it, I currently believe the following but they cant all be true. and that’s painful:

1) I like Mibbins/Elizona/whatever we are calling it

2) I love Calzona

3) I miss Callie

4) I am so proud of everything Sara is doing since leaving the show and I want her to continue

5) Calzona should be endgame

6) Arizona shouldn’t be made to wait around unhappy for a million seasons

this fandom is so amazing and helpful and reassuring; we have laughed, cried, anticipated and obsessively attempted to draw radical theories over random details together. But in the last month or so I’ve really seen the splits and for the first time I don’t know where I fall. I see the die-hard Arizona fans cheering her on, I see the Calzona fans calling everyone else traitors, I’ve seen the people saying “Calzona was great but AZ should be happy” and I agree with them all....

maybe this is part of some process of trying to get over calzona. but this isnt real life (lol) i dont want to get over them. At the same time, I cant help looking at some of the Crowen and Merder fans in dread. 

I think most of the ones about me being insecure are not true anymore and were written when I was in a much darker place, whereas the the weird ones about raw noodles and my feet being in pain are still integral parts of my identity.

Needless to say, I completely blame this website for most of my insecurities and allowing me to sit there wallowing in them. Ive mentally broken away from tumblr and I feel much happier for it and started tackling my issues instead of posting them online.

Like my first spacfessions were a year ago when I was going through hell in just about every aspect of my life but about three months ago when I wrote number 28 and decided to change, everything got better.