#space neko

I don't think you'll ever see this, but it's how I'm trying to deal with my situation. I've been surviving, but hope fades with each new day, so far I have managed to keep you out of my head, since anything that has to do with you reminds me of feelings of guilt and shame. This ruins my days, I've even tried hating you, but I can't, so I just try not to think about you at all.

However, there's times I can't really escape from this. Wandering around a shopping mall and seeing other couples tears my heart apart, to think I did that with you... but that won't come back. It's even worse when some days I wake up to realize i was dreaming about you, it can easily stay in my head for the rest of the day. I haven't been crying that much, but when I do, the tears are hard to let out, even when I want them to.

I never went back to stalk on your profiles anywhere since our last exchange, because I know it would make it worse on both of us, so I'm writing this in a mix of hoping that you'll see it, but also not wanting you to see it, which is kinda paradoxical.

I'm more alone than ever before in my life, or maybe I just feel that way, the thought of suicide lingers, but I just can't push myself to end my own life, which to be honest, seems more like a method of not-so-eternal torture than a good thing.

I'll always hate whoever you choose to be with that it's not me, but I try to get by thinking you won't face the same or worst pains that you had to when you were with me. Deep down, I hope they're better than what I was, and that they'll make you happy, as according to my broken promises.

There is nothing left but hurt and regret inside of me, and I've been trying to keep it all inside. I don't want to bother people anymore, maybe it's because I can't have the courage to say it was mostly my fault and how. If these feelings were to fade with time, it's not working.

I wish I got caught in a timeloop between February 8th, 2016 and February 14th of that year. That would be better and happier than whatever left is at store for me.

I really wish you're not like me anymore, having someone else with you is probably helping, at least I want to believe that. Don't let me ruin anything for you anymore.

If I somehow worry you, please don't try to contact me. There's nothing to be done. Facing you again will only be a way of playing with my heart. It'll go away soon, and then I'll be distracted just existing and doing something until the next depressing crisis.

See ya, space neko.