#soys fic

I made dinner while the kids sat in the living room doing their homework, and I could tell Thad was getting caught in the rip current of teenage conversation. “Thad! Can I get your help in here for a second?” I asked. 

Thad nodded and headed toward the kitchen. “What do you need?” Thad asked. 

I looked over at them and leaned down so I could whisper to him. “They’re gonna keep talking over you if you let them,” I whispered. Thad gave me that sad, wet cat look with his big amber-ish eyes, and I frowned. “Tell them to hit pause. Let them know that you have something you want to say. You do have something you want to say, don’t you?” 

“I do, but I don’t wanna be rude,” Thad whispered. 

“You aren’t being rude. You did a whole lot of listening already. Take up for yourself,” I insisted. “Be gentle about it if it makes you comfortable, but don’t be a pushover.” I watched him go back to the living room. I listened to them start up again, and Thad raised his voice slightly to tell them he had an idea, and they both went silent for him. I smiled to myself before rinsing my rice. I could tell they were alright kids because it only took that one statement from Thad to get them to slow down a little bit. 

**

Thad’s friends left after dinner, and as soon as they were out the door, Thad gave me a hug and went straight to his room. I chuckled to myself, thinking I was a little closer to winning him over. It was weird how much I liked having a son. I was proud of the little changes in him when he learned something new. It was the kind of joy I imagined people got when their babies took their first steps or said their first words. He did the rest of his homework after his shower, and he returned to the kitchen looking for leftovers. “Finished with your health project?” I asked. 

“Yeah. Thanks, Dad,” Thad whispered. 

“No problem. I used to be that kid who never got to finish a sentence. I know how it feels. Looking for leftovers?” I questioned as I took the bowl out of the fridge. 

He fixed himself a plate before apologizing to me. 

“What’re you sorry for? You didn’t do anything,” I replied. 

“You didn’t get to call the insurance people today,” Thad explained. 

“Oh… Well, yeah… But I can always do that tomorrow. Don’t worry about that,” I replied. 

**

I took off work the following day, and I sat at the office, trying to fill out the paperwork and talk to the people at the desk about the son that suddenly appeared in my life. For whatever reason, all of those human services offices hire the worst possible human beings to deal with stressed-out adults. “He’s a freshman in high school. He’s fourteen,” I said for maybe the thirty-fifth time. 

“Name?” the man asked. 

“Thaddeus Thawne,” I replied. 

“Thaddeus?” the man chuckled. 

“It’s a family name. Can we stay focused? I took off work for this,” I replied. Huge mistake. Getting frustrated always makes these jerks worse. I leaned forward and shut my eyes to keep from punching his lights out for what he said after that. 

Something about the condescending tone people working there had when they talked to people made me mad enough to kill. I hated feeling small. It brought me back down to the feeling of being denigrated and beaten down by my so-called family. I went back to being that insignificant little boy, forced to swallow the torment of my siblings and the violent abuse from my parents. It was almost bad enough to make me want to turn to crime again, but I couldn’t do that to Thad. I couldn’t let him grow up with a criminal for a father the way I did. I knew I could be better than that, but it still made me grind my teeth at the thought that these people were getting away with demeaning me for being poor and an ex-con. It wasn’t good enough for them that I was doing my best to make an honest living for myself and a kid that I didn’t know existed up until a week or two ago. It wasn’t good enough that I was a man with dignity and feelings. I was just an impoverished case number to them, and I could taste their disdain for me. Even worse was the smug look on their faces when they read Thad’s name on paper. I was ground down over that time, and I stopped feeling angry, and I started to feel defeated. I had to swallow it. I had to endure it because I needed the help. We needed help. 

I had to keep reminding myself that it’d benefit Thad to have healthcare. Kids get sick all the time, so it was my responsibility to make sure he’d have everything he needed. Especially food. With my paychecks and the way he ate, I knew I was going to need SNAP to feed us both. He hadn’t been there all that long, and our groceries were running kind of low. I didn’t want him to worry about that, so I didn’t bring it up again. I just told him that I was going to get his healthcare stuff sorted out. I toughed it out even though it left me feeling tense and sour all day, and I managed to get confirmation that we were approved. After that, I went for a run at the park, and then I went home to check my voicemail. 

I didn’t get any messages, so I took that time to make dinner. I took the time to make something special for him because I didn’t want him to feel bad about me taking the day off to do things for him. To be honest, I think I was a little antsy being home alone, too. I had to keep busy because I felt like crying every time I sat down. I don’t know why I felt that way, but I just couldn’t bear to be idle without Thad at home. 

Then, I turned on the TV, and the first story I saw on the news was a story about some kid getting taken by CPS, and I turned the TV off and held my face in my hands. I wanted to cry, but I was like a well that ran dry. I was so hurt and offended. I didn’t have any emotional energy left. I had to force myself to finish cooking before heading out to pick Thad up. I couldn’t even smile when he got in the car. 

“How was school?” I asked. 

“It was okay. Dad? What’s wrong?” Thad asked in reply. I shook my head. 

“It’s nothing. I’m happy to see you. We’re gonna do laundry tomorrow, and I um… I made you a special dinner today. I wanted to show you how much I appreciate you being around,” I stated. Thad looked at me and frowned. 

“You don’t look happy. You smile when you’re happy. You look tired,” Thad observed. 

“I’m in no mood to talk about it. Just know it’s not your fault. I’m just on edge about some stupid junk that happened earlier. Take my word for it. You’re a breath of fresh air to me. I just need a little bit to bounce back. It’s not you,” I reassured him. 

I wished I could’ve smiled, but I couldn’t shake how I felt. I didn’t even make it all the way home before I started to lose my grip on my emotions. Some idiot cut us off in traffic, and I pulled off to the side of the road and started cursing and pounding on the steering wheel because it was all I could do to keep from hurting somebody. I just wanted somebody to know I was a person, too. Then, Thad did something I didn’t expect.