I got this one done early because by Thursday afternoon, I’ll be 3 sheets to the wind down in Nashville, Tennessee. By kickoff, I’ll most likely donning a cowboy hat and speaking with a Southern drawl - or maybe just slurring my words.

Let’s get right down to brass tacks, gentlemen. To the lines!

Scott at Sam +2.5

Well that was one for the record books. Sam couldn’t crack 50 as he put up the 4th lowest score in Danzaville history. Congratulations, Sam.

Scott is atop the standings at 3-0 with Goose. Yes, I know, what you’re thinking, “who has Scott played? Look at his points against, he’s had a soft schedule.” Now you listen here, Scott’s got a cock like an Alaskan Bull Moose; it’s long, girthy, and covered with fur. And while that has nothing to do with anything, he can only beat who’s in front of him, and that’s exactly what he’s done. 

Steven Beavis at Rin Tin Tin -6

Beave’s staunch loyalty to the mediocre players he loves finally paid off, as Fuck Fuck Fleener had a big game. A sign of things to come, or a flash in the pan before reverting to his 1-catch-for-7-yards former-self? Rick has faced some steep competition and sits at an unlucky 0-3 as a result. It’s a mad world out there, Ricky…It’s a mad world… 

Romper Stomper at Dan the Man +1.5

Dan, I know you’re in 3rd place and you have a respectable point total thus far. But, I just looked, and your team kinda fucking stinks.

But you have two good defenses, which is nice. I think Roggleypoo is going to take the first leg of this season’s Hebrew Hammer Bowl, headlined by new RB1, Christine Michael. Named like a girl, runs like a man. Shabbat Shalom.

Matty Ice at Robertus Maximus -4

Despite drafting 4 show ponies with his first 4 picks, Matty is already down to 2. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s putting his fate this week on the feeble shoulders of Kirk Cousins. I don’t want to be in the Manchisi residence if things go downhill on Sunday. Rob arguably has more to be mad about than 0-3 Rick. He’s second in the league in points, but sits at a paltry 1-2. One more week til Brady comes back, and hopefully (for Rob) one more week of Tevin Coleman savaging touchdowns. 

GAME OF THE WEEK 

Goose at Paul -1

Oh my! Is that Goose in first place?!?! Why yes it is! At 3-0, He’s already surpassed his win total from last season! (Side note - going 2-11 takes a real special level of incompetence. Good job.) Well enjoy your super happy fun time while it lasts, baby bro. That’s all coming to an end this week. I couldn’t be more overcome with joy that it’s me who gets to go against the Great Goostano sans his Green Bay double-dip. 

Our teams are basically mirror images of each other. But I’m nervous about Monday night. You have two studs going (OBJ and Rudolph the red zone reindeer) and I’ll just be sitting idle, fervently refreshing our box score. But then again, that feeling when you grab hold for dear life on Monday Night with nobody going and come out with a win is a fantastic one. That feeling goes a little something like this: