#sorrynot

These past few days have been such a rollercoaster ride, hands down. You know how when you first start dating and everything is so colorful? You get all giddy in your stomach, you’re head over heels falling for him and you don’t know how it could get any better than this? That this is what it has to be like in the fairytales. And then you get used to him, you see him every day, you move in together, go on vacation, spend every night together and then slowly but surely without you ever really noticing the silence creeps in. You stop texting every day except for “how’s it going? are you doing okay?” and when you get home, there really is not much to talk about. And then you start thinking.. is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? If it is like this after three years, how’s it gonna be 20 years down the road? And you start overthinking. And you start getting sad. And you wish you had the balls to pack your stuff and leave. Not because you don’t love him anymore or aren’t okay with your situation, but because something is missing. Because he is taking you for granted. Because you are crying on your side of the bed wondering what you did wrong that things turned out this way and his only response is “let’s go to sleep”. And you wonder if this is what they call a “toxic relationship”, where he’s pushing you down more than he’s pulling you up, and where he makes you question yourself, your decisions and your thoughts every step you take - or is this mad love?

The fact that he is texting other girls is killing me, don’t get me wrong I do feel the need for him, but maybe, just maybe, this is me living this life for three years. This is me being used to it and legitimately not knowing the last time I was happy.