So, taking just a moment away from my normal weird reblogs and such, hi guys. I know thereâs only 8 of you and now I realize I know only actually about 2 or 3 of you.Â
I know I donât do personal posts much, but Iâm thinking about making a side blog for my art. Iâve really wanted to do that for a while and one of my friends has already done it, so Iâm thinking of just going for it.
Since this is kinda my main blog now, I figured I post here about it in case anyone might be interested. Iâll post the link to it once itâs up and I actually have a drawing or two on there.
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So im really conflicted right now. I have a close friend who was on Facebook yesterday and saw a old school mate post a video of herself rapping saying âniggaâ. My friend is black, I am however Mixed. But i still find offense to this word, as my family, and my husband, and his family is black. So my friend, comments on this video and says âwhy are you saying niggaâ just like that. Nothing more. Our school mate replyâs saying basically there is nothing wrong with that, because âNicki, Young Dolph, (whoever that is) and Gucci Mane say it, so its discrimination for you to say i cant say it because im whiteâ My friend does reply letting her know basically its not okay for you to say that, and its not discrimination for me to tell you, you shouldnt be saying it. This girl, has not only one, but 2 guys we went to school with come to her defense, and i quote stated that âits just like saying dudeâ. This goes on for a while, my friend and other person trying to let them know this isnt right, it was used as a derogatory term towards our ancestors, and our grandparents, our PEOPLE and it shouldnt be used by anyone, but especially by white people, who put our people in slavery, and called them this name, to devalue and dehumanize this group of people. I dont feel it should be used by black people, or white people. I do see that there is the issue of, well your people say it, but you dont want us to say it. I get and understand that, that is not why i post this, or feel somewhat conflicted. I feel conflicted and very upset about the situation because of what happened next. After a few comments back and forth things took a turn for the absolute worse. 50 or more comments of harassment, My black friend was called a âNappy headed whoreâ, âa nigger,â âignorant nigger,â was told âoh youâll get your nigger friendsâ, âtypical nigger move,â was told âyeah yall are niggers,â and âI will slit your throat and fuck itâ, she was called a âblue gum toad,â ive never heard that before, but it sure was said the other day. She was told âniggers cant get a job,â and this is all by the same 2 guys who wanted to prove that âits okay for white people to say niggaâ but then turned around not even seconds later to say these things. There was so much more said, when another female jumps on the post as well, to say the same things pretty much, and said that the word âniggerâ means someone who is ignorant, which another person responds by asking, would you call your white child that if they did something ignorant which of course she replies yes, we all know thats not true. Basically im conflicted right now, because i really want to drag all 4 of them through the mud on every social media outlet possible. People say that racism doesnt exist anymore. i love the âi voted for Obamaâ âi love black peopleâ not everyone is like this, i know, but theres a huge majority of people who are. This needs to be stopped!!! My friend is tough, because she was able to hang in there and take the punches, but I couldnt have done it. She did however cuss them out, which is to be expected, but NOT ONCE did she ever use a racial slur towards them. I feel that this needs to spread like wildfire. This girl goes to Texas Tech and I want her expelled. I want her to rot, and the 2 males that came to her defense, I hope they burn in hell for saying those things, because you want to be down, and you want to be able to say nigga, but you dont see how its not okay ever, because the same term you use as like âsaying dudeâ is the same term you use to talk about us, degrade us, and put us down. That is NEVER okay. and I want the world to see them for who they really are deep down inside. and Im torn, do I post everything for everyone to see everywhere I possibly can, or do I let it be, because we cant change the world? Â
Honestly, I think I'm just plain pathetic. Basing my self-worth on how much other people value me. I've never been asked out, never had any romantic relationship, nor have I even had my first kiss. I can't help but think there's something wrong with me. Like, if no one likes me, why should I like myself? I don't have enough friendships to fill that gap. I'm the type of person who puts a ton of effort in being friends with people and making sure they're all friends with each other. But even then, that doesn't make me feel complete. I just want to be smothered with genuine affection. I want it to be painfully clear that I am loved. Not, "oh, you feel unloved? Let me give you a hug and then I'll go back to what I was doing." But I know that people don't work that way. Its not fair for me to ask someone to put in more effort just because I can't see what I mean to them.
Donât mind me, feel like writing a reflection post.
Iâd be lying if I said relationships were a piece of cheese. Relationships are hard work. They require you to put all your trust, love, time, loyalty, etc, in another person that you view as one of the most important people in your life besides God, family, and close friends. They require you to have a lot of patience, understanding, communication, and compassion.
A relationship will have itâs ups and downs, as you already know. Sometimes fights over little things, or sometimes fights over an important issue. What Iâve learned when it comes to fighting, or bringing up topics to complain about, is that sometimes things are better left unsaid. I always thought that it would be good to bring up things that bug you because communication is so important. But Iâve been told before that some times you gotta hold back. Just cool down and ask yourself if itâs really worth it. I mean of course you should bring up things that are going to really effect the relationship like if you were mistreated or whatever, but if the problem isnât so detrimental, then maybe it isnât worth getting both people mad over.
Another thing I realized that is important is to be understanding. Itâs very easy to assume. Donât make an âassâ out of âuâ and âmeâ. Many times we misread somebodyâs text or facial expression. Or we misunderstand their intentions. Hereâs where communication is also important. If actions were clearly conveyed through talking, then maybe there wouldnât be room to assume what the possibilities could have been for that action. But then again, you should be understanding for whatever reason they give. And if itâs their choice, you canât help it. Just take their word.
Yes, that brings us to trust. Trust is so so so important!! Without trust youâre gonna go out of your mind! You should trust this person that you love and who loves YOU. Past relationships donât transfer to your current one (you would hope you picked a better guy!). I have my trust issues, as well as a good share of insecurity. Iâm trying to work on it. LOVE YOURSELF.
One more thing I just thought of is to listen. Listen to what your bf or gf is saying. Love is expressed in many different ways.
Oh, one last thing to take home. Donât make the relationship about YOU and YOUR happiness. Youâre in a relationship to make the OTHER person happy, and in turn, they should make you happy. Donât get sucked into depending on them. Donât over analyze. One person should not be doing more than the other. Remember to take care of yourself.
Best. Band. Ever. The Good Left Undone is always my favorite to hear live because it was the first song by them I listened to. I was so hooked to this song I didnt even think it was possible to enjoy music that much. Rise against have taught me a lot and pretty much molded me into the person I am today so thank you rise against for creating such fantastic music and lyrics and sharing them with the world. The crowd was so insane and their was SOOOO much energy coming from the band and the audience and it was such a great night probably the best day of my life next to when I met Tim #sorrylongpost #imhonestlysohappyrightnow #IWANNABUGEVERYONEABOUTTHIS #riseagainst #lookatthebottomtwopicsteheheh
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 Well my Valentines day was actually a lot better then I thought it was going to be when i woke up. i hugged my crush in algebra 2 (football player, and honestly its not even a crush im in love with him<3)Â
 Then i performed, in front of basically half the school, for comedy sportz and did amazing
 Then i went with all of my best most closest friends to wing-stop and ate food, hit on guys(even though i didn't i didn't... i don't think i can handle that rejection) played truth or dare, talked, and basically had fun like teenagers should!
 And now im finishing with some tumblr... so i wasnt alone on this valentines day... not really :)
After different taste tests of all the instant coffees out there, all the stimulants that were recommended for the cramming sessions, all the pimples and blemishes that dominated the vast expanse of my face, all the recitations, the hundreds of hours at class and the multitude of readings that were dumped on our heads- finally- I am graduating.
But as each day goes by and the prospect of graduating gets bigger and bigger, I canât help but feel this unknown gut-wrenching swoop that comes when I see or hear things associated with graduating. I see a toga-swoop! There it is. I see a âNOW HIRINGâ sign for God know what position in bright, bold, letters-my stomach does another backflip. I see a poster for a bank with a guy in a toga beaming so wide like he can conquer the whole world with a single smile- and I feel that small but definite swooping motion yet again.
 Oh itâs terrifying alright.
While most would gladly rejoice and plan ahead for things like slaughtering a cow in lieu of their graduation, I am part of the few who incessantly worry about graduating. No, not worry. Terrified is the much more fitting word for me here. Itâs like an annoying fly that hums near your ear every now and then, following you wherever you may go. And it grips me with a numbing paranoia that creeps in on me whenever it has the time to-which is most of the time.
I am terrified because I am scared at the possibility that after three months, I will belong to the large âunemployedâ bracket of our countryâs workforce. I am scared that maybe I will belong to the 69,114,358 Filipinos who are jobless (the latter number being a calculation that I did which was based on actual statistics while I was writing an article for our school paper). Twenty one percent of that number are college graduates-yippee for me! My college degree is a degree that when people hear, it always gets followed comments like âWow! Ang galing mo naman!â or âGrabe, mahirap yan!â or the expected âSo, Maglo-law ka after?â question.
When I was younger, naĂŻve, fresh from high school and still dreamy beyond reality, I wouldâve piped up and immediately gushed about my plans to immediately go to law school and conquer the world of justice after I passed the bar exams with flying colors and unicorns and rainbows. Fast forward a few years later and you have this sardonic kolehiyala having second doubts with law school because frankly, her family couldnât afford it.
 So there goes my high school lawyer ambition, squished bit by bit with the unnerving reality of expense, necessity and unfortunate circumstances.
 Circumstances like my father losing his job, my older sister moving back in with us, with her two children after her marriage disintegrated, and the loans that my mother had to get in order to pay off all our expenses.Â
Graduates of my course were quick to point out that it was hard to land a job, especially in our province that is still hovering in the cusp of developing into an urbanized, business-centred one. Though some of them are lawyers now, the majority went off in opposite directions, landing jobs that they didnât expect to have in the first place.
I wasnât scared of all the things that they said before, but now, as the reality of being in the ârealâ world continues to deliver small slaps to my face every now and then, it all suddenly started to creep in.
What if I donât land a job immediately? What if I donât manage to go to Law school? What if Iâll end up being a burned-out college graduate with no trace of ambition left in me whatsoever bundled up in a curb side, looking lost? What if Iâll actually feel lost? âŚor be lost for that matter.
On a recent trip to Manila, I saw how harsh it would be to be for a person to be unemployed, homelessâŚhelpless. The uninvited thought of me, being in their situation popped into my mind as our jeep wheeled off towards Baclaran.
 It sent weakening shivers down my spine.
 In less than sixty days, I will be graduating from our provinceâs State University.
 I realize the fact that graduating from a State University meant that the four years of my tertiary education was subsidized by the Government. I am at last, graduating with the help of the taxpayerâs money- the Filipino nationâs money. I owe my education to my countrymen.
 That debt of gratitude alone is enough pressure to weigh down my shoulders as a graduating student. That and my motherâs expectations, along with my two older sisters who are professionals in their certain fields, and my dad who, a few weeks ago, asked me what my course was. Bless his soul.
Still, I am terrified. Terrified of facing my demons, whether I will proceed to law school or not, whether I will study for a Masterâs degree, whether I will work while I study, whether I will teach or not, whether I will still write or not-the sheer number of possibilities, whether it be good or badâŚterrifies me. My friends and familyâs reassurances, thankfully, help me retain my sanity as the hypothetical fly of uncertainty whizzes by my ear every now and then. That and my dreams for travel, education, a better life and getting lost in the worldâ various wonders while I walk, inch by inch, through it.
Dreams, a person once wrote, are not worth pursuing if they do not scare you. I am glad that I am terrified. It means that all of the things going on in my head really are worth pursuingâŚand even though Iâm scarred, and Iâm young and Iâm not a graduate of a swanky, top University, it doesnât mean that I will not strive to get what I want out of this life.
