The time between Leoâs flight from the house and SĂśrenâs more seemingly gracious footsteps out felt like an eternity, though he was sure only ten or so minutes had passed. At first heâd been still, eerily so, fist clenched over the counter in an effort to come down from the red hot adrenaline that had coursed through him to be accused of projecting. It took a moment, maybe two to remember which Diederich he was before he lifted his chin to apologize to Uncle Phin, asking the man if he needed any help cleaning up, though no one had touched their breakfast. He was grateful for the older manâs quiet dismissal, still touched with a hint of paternal care despite the circumstances.
Though he didnât know where exactly to go when he walked out of the house, doing that part at least felt instinctive. He couldnât just sit around with things being how they were, with Leo out there somewhere full of misconceptions and anger towards him. The world was tilted on the wrong axis and it was the one injustice among so many dealt to him that SĂśren just couldnât take sitting down. And so when he noticed the bike missing from where it had been discarded on the lawn, SĂśren felt a tug originating right from the center of his chest, pulling him up the hill heâd run down just yesterday. He contemplated taking Phineasâs bike, as he hadnât gotten to ride it much between the wayward biking lessons but the need for more buffer time with his own thoughts, and to give Leo time with theirs, stopped him.
Instead, SĂśren walked, slow trudges to imitate the pathways of his thoughts. With his eyes glued to the ground, the words âThen why are we having this talk?â stuck themselves to SĂśrenâs mind. When they were initially presented to him he hadnât been able to think of an answer fast enough for Leo to listen. Everything involved circumventing some kind of truth, adhering to some form of forced nicety and SĂśren just did not feel like doing any of that anymore. He wanted to be honest but questioned how he could do so if Leo was clearly so resistant to reciprocating. Or maybe they were speaking their truth and SĂśren simply had to come to terms with that.
His head hurt slightly by the time he reached the peak of the hill and laid eyes on his friend again. Unsure if it was from hunger or from running around in mental circles, SĂśren took a deep breath and then approached, quietly at first, and then crunching on the grass under his feet as not to startle Leo. Ordinarily he would have moved to sit beside Leo, their shoulders aligned as they always were but today he lowered himself to the ground across from his friend, not too far but not too close either. He wanted to be graced with the touch of Leoâs eyes once more, and he knew the odds of that were slimmer when they were at each otherâs sides.
âMaybeâŚâ There was a molten pit in SĂśrenâs stomach rehearsing the words at the tip of his tongue. This is the only way, he told himself. You have to, this is the only way. He licked his lips and then, âMaybe I was projecting.â His fingers plucked at the grass underneath them in a mannerism that was not his own. âMaybe my dadâs body is around all the time but his head isnât so I know what itâs like to miss a dad and then get hopeful and happy when he peaks around for a bit, hoping itâll last before heâs just...gone and I donât know why or what I did to deserve it. Like I take myself apart all the time to try and figure out which piece made him go away. So yeah, I get mad from time to time because it isnât fair and it doesnât make any sense...but Iâm even more mad because itâs one thing when I have to go through this shit but itâs a whole other thing when you do.â
SĂśren let out a deep breath, his gaze fixed on Leoâs form even if the other refused to look back. âYou asked why we were talking about it and itâs because sometimes the hardest and the worst shit tumbles out without our permission and then itâs already out there...thereâs no putting it back. Trying to is just gonna make it worse. Weâre talking about it because I donât want things to get worse, Leo. Weâre talking about it because if we canât talk to each other about it then what shot does the rest of the world have with us?â
