#songxichen

Hello beloved lanlanon! It’s been five or so months since you sent this but! I have a fic for you, finally.

a gorgeous, broken gift

⛰ Song Lan/Lan Xichen ⛰ 4k words ⛰ Post-canon, grief and mourning, finding something close to peace

(with massive thank yous to @needtherapy, @rynezion​, and @kevinkevinson​ for beta reading 💙)

Lan Xichen has known many kinds of silence.

He knows the space between sips of tea and polite nods. He knows the solemn quiet of shared loss and the breathless joy of shared secrets. He knows the stillness after a kiss, after a promise. After it’s broken. And intimately, he knows the brittle distance of a sect who will not tolerate the honest clamour of grief.

He has lived his entire life in things unsaid, but Lan Xichen has never known a silence like Song Lan. For the first time in four years, he finds himself curious.

There are fractures, small at first, in the tedium of Lan Xichen’s life as Song Lan slips into it. They converse in passing, Lan Xichen with his atrophied words, and Song Lan drawing characters in the air with clean strokes of light. He is concise and eloquent, and Lan Xichen wonders if that was true before he lost his voice.

Meeting by chance turns into meeting by intent, and when they talk, they discuss doctrine and poetry over tea or Song Lan describes Wei Wuxian’s latest research while they walk in the garden pavilions.

It feels very nearly ordinary.

After several weeks, Lan Xichen realises he has spent the time cataloguing Song Lan’s expressions, subtle as they are. He can tell the difference between a pause to deliberate and a pause to disagree, spot suppressed frustration and subdued amusement, and he can recognise when the conversation strays too close to the source of sadness that never leaves Song Lan’s eyes.

It’s a furtive thrill to learn someone new. And it’s a lingering ache to see so much of himself reflected there.

Oh good! Because in this house we live for pain :’D

(Like the pain of Lan Xichen having a tangled, messy relationship with music after he learns the truth about Nie Mingjue’s death, but still finding some reserve of strength to play a Song of Clarity for Song Lan when he needs it. Just, you know, for example.)

Is there a real life song? Anon, I have a playlist. First, obviously, is Venus by Sleeping At Last (where the title of my fic is stolen from).

I mean:

I was a billion little pieces 
'Til you pulled me into focus 
Astronomy in reverse 
It was me who was discovered

Like you said, seeing and being seen!

It also features Bones by Josh Record and Long Awaited Sigh by Flip Grater, as well as Handmade Heaven and End of the Earth both by MARINA. (Those last two are @rynezion’s fault and she is much better at music than me so you should check out her playlist.)