#somethinghonest

I can feel hopelessness impressing itself upon every aspect of my being and I want so badly to be able to push it off. 

 I don’t feel like myself. I keep waiting. I know based on past experiences that if I am not happy with something then it is up to me to change my circumstances. I am the CEO of my own life and it is up to me. 

The hopelessness springs from the man in my life. The one I crave so deeply. Is that my ego talking? God I feel things when I am near him and with him. His voice penetrates through me. When we are making love I feel everything all at once. Still I can’t shake the feeling that I am walking into something that I know is wrong for me. He is in a relationship with someone who is not me. I know this is some form of self-sabotage and torture but I kept doing it anyway. Why?  Why do I only feel these things this deeply for those that are not available to me? I am trying to figure that out. I am trying to tune in and see it. Where does this come from? How can I understand?  Sometimes I don’t want to admit this hopelessness I feel about actually getting that good stuff with someone because I worry about saying something and making it true. I don’t want to keep attracting this same thing into my field. I really don’t. I want the real, raw, good stuff. But I want to feel that passion as deeply as I do for these men that are so wrong for me? Why is it never both? Am I contributing to this self-fulfilling prophency. 

Of course I am. How do I stop? 

Hi, my name is Marta and this is Something Honest.  Today is the first day of an experiment that starts here, with me.  If you want to play along there's only one rule:  No lying.  Not even to yourself.  No faking it, no exaggeration and no understatement.  You can tag, you can share, you can contribute (and I hope you will!) but everything about this has to be true.  Even if it's not pretty, even if it's not exactly what we want to see, I want to know if something totally honest can grow in a culture that's addicted to the lie of public image... Ah wait, in all honesty there is one more rule.  You can't be mean.  Not to yourself or anyone else. The idea is to see if we can be totally honest and still be kind. 

Do you think people even want to see something really honest?  Not brutally honest, it doesn't have to be brutal to be real but it doesn't have to be overthought or overworked to please everyone either. Just something simple, something that's beautiful or useful or true just the way it is... Do you think that's worth anything to anyone out there?

#somethinghonest #saysomethinghonest

If you want more follow and check out the full post:

i was tagged by the lovely @dammit--solas. Thank you so much <3

Name: Theodora

Nickname: Dora, Doritos. @daughter-of-fire-and-ink likes calling me Red Priestess :P

Star sign: Virgo

Gender: Female

Height: 170ish?

Favorite color: black

Time right now: 3:06 am

Current location: my bed

Average hours of sleep: 6-10 hours

Lucky number: 17

Last thing I googled: xbox 360

Number of blankets I sleep under: one

Favorite fictional characters: pls don’t make me choose between my children

Favorite book: lotr, asoiaf, the song of achilles

Favorite artists/bands: imagine dragons, sleeping at last, arctic monkeys

Dream job: writer

What I’m wearing: my pjs

Random fact: i love tea sorry solas

When did you create your blog? this november my blog is still a baby

Do you have any other blogs? @winchesxer is my supernatural blog, and it used to be my main one, but i use this one more lately. @legolhas is my lotr one, @achielles is my aesthetics one.

When did your blog reach its peak? i dont think it has yet, it’s still smol.

What made you decide to get a tumblr? i don’t remember why i initally joined tumblr but i made this blog about a month ago because i am obsessed with dragon age

Do you get asks on a daily basis? I WISH

Why did you choose your URL? because i’m obsessed with solas 

List six movies you can watch any time:

1. Lord of the Rings 2. Breakfast Club 3. Pulp Fiction 4. Pride and Prejudice 5. Brokeback Mountain 6. Anything Disney tbh

Nothing happened. By that I mean, l did not get ensnared in an awful and dangerous physical situation. But sometimes we are left with invisible marks that alter the way we see ourselves.

Criticism, silence, withdrawal of affection; that can be the most terrifying kind of control. 

Sometimes it takes a little while before we can rebuild. Sometimes it takes a little distance before we can see clearly what his actions and words were doing to our behavior and our sense of self -  making me doubt my abilities and self-worth.

But I am rebuilding and I can say with certainty that I feel myself coming back. 

I am grateful that I listened to my intuition and cleaned house before it was too late. 

I have not been myself these last few days. I keep searching within you, but I won’t find myself in there - I can’t. That’s not where I am. Maybe only part of me, sure. I can’t reconnect to my true self by looking for independence or confidence in you, even though you are wonderful, really, you are. I must look for myself within me. I must look for security and strength within me. 

If I feel sad or unhappy with something it’s on me to fix that. That’s not your responsibility. 

I’ve been going through some changes and re-evaluating certain things. I feel a little lost. I am admitting that. Not with work and not with you but with me. 

All of my time has been work and you, back and forth. It has made me forget certain things. I don’t want to forget anymore. 

You are going away for a little while. I think it will be good for us. At first I was sad, I knew I was going to miss you. But I also think it will make us miss each other and then when we reunite it will be hot, hot fire. 

I try to be so considerate of you but right now I need to be considerate of me. 

xx