#something something vulnerability

Like Buck isn't this big meaningful nickname at first, right? He's just handed this nickname (because he specifically says "everyone calls me Buck now" instead of "I go by Buck now" or something) because there were 3 other Evans. It's just a way to separate him, to not get everyone mixed up at the academy or whatever. He likes it, he likes being called Buck, but he's not attached to it yet. There's no importance to it.

And then years go by. No one’s called him Evan for ages and he's settled into it. It becomes something to him, its his identity. He tells Maddie that being a firefighter is his life, that he doesn't have anything else, and so of course being Buck is also his life. It's linked, it can't be separated. He tells his parents it's "what people who know me call me." Evan isn't who he is anymore.

Then there's a shift. Eddie gets shot, and Buck gets lost, and Eddie brings on this shift that changes the entire meaning of Evan. "Because, Evan," he says, because "Buck" doesn't need to hear this. This raw, uncensored vulnerability is not meant for Buck, because Buck is the strong firefighter. He's cocky, he's confident, he's reckless, he puffs out his chest and he brushes everything off with nothing more than a hand wave.

Evan is softer. Evan is the vulnerability and the insecurity. Evan needs to know that he is valued, that he's wanted. Buck knows he is. He knows his people are there for him, that they need him. But Evan?

And so when Tommy comes around, and he calls him Evan, there's no pushback. There's no correction. And sure, maybe its because Buck doesn't know Tommy all that well, being 'Buck' to this guy isn't all that important, but maybe its because Evan needs the patience and guidance that Buck is too confident and aware to accept. This softer part of Buck, this part of him that reaches deep and hits the most sensitive part of his core...it really needs this.

Imagine Kaeya who accepts your confession with a wry grin, but inside his heart is racing. From excitement of course but also apprehension. He's noticed your feelings of course, and he returns them, but what made you come and confess? What do you want?

Kaeya who accepts your gifts and your adoration but seems so sparse with his own. He gives you his kisses, his hugs, his smiles, but not much else. He's a very reclusive person, you know? He likes having his personal space, so give him some time to get used to you, okay?

You accept, of course, but that doesn't stop the bitter taste in your mouth when drunkards throw themselves over him, and he lets them stay there. You remember the time you threw your arms over his shoulder, and the haste with which he removed you still stung. What was so wrong with your touch?

Kaeya who constantly presses you, swears that he is just a phase, a rendezvous. Kaeya who grins when you stumble over your words of love, and your constant reassurances. He laughs, pulls you close, pinches your waist.

He calls you cute, adorable, sweet, his snowflake. But never lovely. Never beautiful. You just want to be beautiful for him.

Kaeya who calls you shallow, whose eyes narrow in suspicion every time you wait up for him, night after night. When you rub the blurriness out of your eyes and ask if he's hungry, or if he wants a bath, or to just go to sleep. You're eager to please, and Kaeya is eager to have. You're playing this game for the long haul, aren't you? Well, so can he.

Kaeya who freezes the raindrops into the softest flurries, when he stood you up for the third time that month. A crown for the prettiest snowflake, he says. "Accept my apology, I don't want to deal with you right now." Is what you hear.

You taste the alcohol on his tongue when he kisses you, and you want to say something, but he already apologized and you don't want to cause a scene. You kiss him back.

This isn't to say he doesn't care about you! He simply adores you! He has made dozens of ice bouquets for you, in your place and his, and he always makes sure to visit often enough to freeze them once more, so that they don't melt.

He does care for you, so that is why he has to make sure you love him too. A frozen heart is a brittle one after all, he can't afford to have it broken.

You want him to be more honest and transparent? Well, he's been trying, but it must not have been enough for you. You're so demanding, and he loves you, but aren't you asking for too much too fast? Give him a chance, dear.

And you do. Again, and again, and again. You weather his snide remarks, the love bombing, the avoidance, and he just smiles at you. Like always.

"I don't even need to treat you well yet you're still here."

You stop what you were doing, go stock still. Finally you turn to Kaeya, your lover, you think, and of course, he's smiling.

"...Why wouldn't you want to treat me well, Kaeya?" He rests a cheek on a fist, eye twinkling.

"Oh, but I do, snowflake! It's just so hard though, when you ask so much of me. Makes me fall out of love with you a little."

"Love? You love me?"

Say it, you think, Just tell me once. You've never said it before. Just say it.

Kaeya shrugs.

"Of course I do. Why do you think I stay with you?"

The worst part-you are grateful. You are grateful he stays, that he comes home to you at all. Drunkards could splay themselves all over him, but it's alright because of the way his eyes meet yours from across the room.

He can drink himself to oblivion because you know how hard it is, working for the knights, and he always falls into your arms, your care, when the night is winding down.

He can smile at you with all his blithe cruelty, his lovestruck eyes, and leave you to wonder. Because at least he is beautiful when he does it. At least it is only you whoever gets this piece of him. He is yours, some of the time.