#somesense

just a few weeks left till the end of the year; and those will be intense; at least by my standards;

the intensity starts now; I have basically two points of focus and that's that;

one of those points is a girl; i keep thinking about her; i will do something about this; if she likes me, i and my cluelessness enter the world of relationships; if she doesn't, my misery increases, but then i focus on the other stuff, which is the second point (everything else; that's the second point; so i've divided all stuff into two categories: the girl and everything else; so that says a lot about my percieved importance of things);

i don't know, i don't want to get too much into this before anything is clear, because i'm afraid that i will suffer; fucking hell, i'm quite fucked up in the head; it's just the feelings, i can't handle them that well; most of the time, i think i don't feel much; but when i start feeling something, it overpowers me; the feeling takes me in its grip and i have trouble staying composed;

control, control; i try, but fuck, it gets hard; i feel drained;

i'm trying to make sense of all this; the life; and i don't know; what it should be for me; me being alone, slaving away as a gear in someone's big machine -- fuck that; i want something meaningful; i want to find significance in all this fucking shit; fucking life, this fucking life; this fucking shit;

there's a lot beautiful things; and things worth living for; but if i can't keep the overall positive attitude, they go further and further out of my reach; and then i'm left alone in a very negative place; i find comfort in detachment, but the more i detach, the harder it is to go back; no, i don't know what i'm blabbering about;

it'd be nice to have someone; to share a part of the experience of living with; it'd be nice;