Jul 7, 2018
I’m actually turning in early today, kinda out of it, feeling a bit unwell, and not fully myself, I’m afraid.
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I’m actually turning in early today, kinda out of it, feeling a bit unwell, and not fully myself, I’m afraid.
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not 2 be that person but love is a good thing & i hope everything i do is done in love & that my intentions are wrought with thoughtfulness & care
🌷🥚💐Ostara🐇🌱🐣
There was a general consensus that it is mighty inconenvient for a Sabbat to fall in the middle of the work week, and we've planned our festivities for the weekend. Better a lesser Sabbat be recognized after the solar event, for the energy is there, the shift has happened already.
And the wind has been relentless for weeks, terrible cold fronts that make it feel like winter still has a hold on us. I woke up to snow yesterday. Maybe the weather needs a bit of persuasion.
Went to the store after work to pick up vittals for The Feast, because when in doubt, celebrate with food. Growing up Mom always made ham, potato salad and deviled eggs for Easter. So guess what we're having for Ostara? I thought it would be lovely to make the meal as part of "cakes and wine," bless the whole thing, give a plate as offering, eat sacred ham sandwiches over the next couple of days.
Bought flowers too, pink and white, because Sabbats have come to mean a bouquet on the coffee table/altar. Last week I felt compelled to buy a fern. His name is Yanick. He might have something to teach me, considering that my trip to the greenhouse was pretty impulsive. I'm not skilled with caring for plants.
The energy in the house has been rather still and uninspired. Not a bad thing. I think we're feeling a little aimless right now. I've been a little more accepting of that. Instead of trying to always fill it, or make it go away. Our winter is probably not done. And I'm not keen on inviting abundance of anything right now. We don't need drama, or anymore debt, or hecticness in our schedules, all the shit that comes with "abundance." I'm still purging. This entire year is just that.
I wrote some wonderful invocations. I was telling my husband about my plans for this ritual, last night in the bath. I think I don't really care to fill him in on how I plan to organize this whole thing. I cook the food, keep the place clean, take care of the laundry, cleanse the rooms, and now I take control of the ritual work. He follows my lead on these things now. As it should be, I suppose.
I'm interested to know what things other people have done for the Sabbat, or what they're planning to do. Let me know 😚 reach out and inspire me with your lovely works.
2 weeks have passed but it literally feels like months. I think my mind has distanced itself a lot from the memories of this semester so that it is less painful in the short term, but I hope moving forward I am able to look back on it fondly and remember as much as possible without feeling like crying (i’m getting there). I hope I am able to embrace these memories, the things I’ve learned, and the people I've become close to into my life in some way for the long term. Although this past semester wasn’t my most academically/career focused semester, personally it was so so valuable. I learned so much about how to let others into my life, how to be vulnerable, how to ask for help. I learned that people enjoy my presence and that I bring value to people’s lives. I learned how to be close with and how to care for others, how to live with them and how to be forgiving. I think most impactfully, this semester cemented for me the idea that I can’t make plans for my future based solely on my career goals, but I must also consider the value and necessity for love (platonic and romantic) in my life.
Yesterday, I drove up a bridge so high over the ocean that I drove through a cloud--- up and over it out the top and other side! It was so thick none of the car could see, it was surreal cause I knew I was high up but couldn't figure out where I was. Then I burst through the top and the sun was setting and the ocean was stretched out under us and clear and blue and little wisps of cloud were swirling around. It was beautiful. This time last year I couldn't sleep by myself because I was so sad. My heart had been broken and my grandfather died in a really short time. I didn't know where I was going to be in a year and I felt so beaten down and lost. Now, I've gotten into the grad program I was agonizing over a year ago and gotten all A's and helped a lot of people on the way. That same boy came back and said he loved me and then left again and broke my heart almost as bad as before, but I feel good now. I feel whole. It's terrible driving through the fog, feeling closed in, not sure if the direction you're heading is right and being scared about falling off the bridge. But now I know that it was all apart of my path, and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now without being as sad as I was then.
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Over the past year, I've found that the most important thing you can learn is to not be afraid of what people think. I don't care either way anymore, I just want to be who I am, with the people I like.
The level of our Imaan regarldess of how angry or hurt we may feel, protects us from doing things we know we will regret. Our Imaan is also our behavior filter. One with some level of Imaan will never say anything and everything that crosses his/her mind. You can always trust that they will gaurd your secrets and that they’ll have your back. Of course some of these qualities can be associated with those that don’t have Imaan. But keep in mind that Imaan is intertwined with everything that is pure and good. There is no other religion that honors, praises and encourages good moral conduct than Islam. Read your history Oh Muslims and learn what made our righteous predessors like the likes of Sultan Muhammad al Fatih, Tariq ibn Ziyad, Ibn Taymiya, Hasan Basri, and many more so successful.
Hopefully this didnt come out as rant post. Honestly that wasnt my intention. Sometimes I feel the need to share my perspective on certain topics I feel very strongly about. The correlation between high levels of Imaan and Taqwa and having good moral conduct, humilty, and modesty has always been fascinating to me. Through reading about some the lives of our hereos that lived before us, I come to realize that every single one of these great individuals shared a set of values that they upheld with their lives. They were all devout worshippers, and constanly remebered their Rabb. They were all students of knowledge and had proper understanding of their religion. And they were all known for having noble character and were a joy to all who interacted wit them.. Furthermore I came to the conclusion that the Quran and the Sunnah teaches us how to be the best humans possible.
Just some reflection on growing up...
I wonder if my old teachers would be proud of me. I wonder if I went up the hill to visit my elementary school teachers and told them who I was and who I am now, that they'd be proud of me. For sticking to who I am and becoming my old person.
I wonder if they'd even understand. I wonder if when I tell them my new name they'd look confused when I tell them I'm a boy now. I wonder if the people who were a part of raising me wouldn't accept who I've become. I wonder if instead, they'd tell me that they're happy for me. That they're proud of me for following in who I am, for making my own path.
I wonder if my junior high teachers would do the same, for either opinion. I just wonder if these teachers that heavily impacted my life would either be proud of or shun me for who I've become. Not even necessarily shunning, just not understanding why I would change in this way.
I'm thinking about this because I'm graduating soon, and I wonder. Would my teachers be proud of who I've matured into?