#solrant

20.05.2024

the thing is, i don't really want to be autistic. i don't want to be seen as such. and yet i am, by my doctors, by the government. i keep thinking i don't deserve any of this, because i'm low support needs, because i am not disruptive to society, and others definitely have it worse. because it must all be fake.

but i think that i am actually just afraid. of being bullied and ridiculed again for being weird and different. except this time people will have a word for this weirdness, i know what they say these days. 'everyone is autistic nowadays'. 'you just want an excuse'. 'you just want to be special'. it makes me not want to associate with other autistic people, so i can avoid being judged.

but i think this is a very cowardly and selfish thing to do. i probably shouldn't forgo supporting others, i shouldn't be ashamed of my community. pretending to be 'normal' probably doesn't even keep me safe, it just satisfies people who dislike me.

'oh my god you are so good at this-' no i'm not, shut the fuck up, you are not making a compliment, you are only assigning my worth to something i can do for you AGAIN and it makes me fucking SICK.

i couldn't even fucking exist without my peers thinking i think i am better than them, without resenting me and bullying me because stupid adults thought they were doing everyone a favor by always putting me as an 'example'. jesus christ, no wonder these kids hated me. no wonder people think i'm bragging when i talk about anything i did as a kid. you mention casually a milestone in life you did early because you are fond of the memory and you are met with HOLY SHIT YOU ARE SMART or JESUS CHRIST YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO DUMB. and absolutely NOTHING inbetween. there is a whole 'hating the gifted kids' crowd because the school system and authority figures constantly pit us against each other.

all i am asking is to be treated like a god damn person and not an annoyance or a reason for someone's insecurity. like, at this point just bully me and destroy my belongings, and shush me whenever i speak, it feels about the same and i won't try to hope to be friends with anyone.

no this isn't 'woe is me i was a smart kid and now i feel dumb boo hoo i feel so bad about myself' spiel, this is a cry to be treated like a human being no matter if you perceive me as pompous or overly verbose because of our differences and like i make you feel bad just by existing. i wanted to disappear because of less.