#solipsis

***

I spawned on a rocky hill overlooking a lush green valley. I knew I was in the same sector as Isaac, so he shouldn’t be too hard to find, unless he quickly moved on to another area of the map.

I was struck, as I often was, by the beauty of the virtual world. Not all of them were like this. I pity the man who manages to get stuck in some sort of virtual hellscape. Once I rescued a guy who’d trapped himself in a lake, and was stuck continually drowning and respawning. Not exactly a fun pastime.

But this area was colorful, pleasant, and intensely vivid. I walked down the hill into the forest, scanning for any signs of movement. There was only a squirrel, crossing the path, and the movement of small white butterflies through the sun-streaked atmosphere. The leaves were bright red and orange and waved in a gentle wind.

It’s a funny feeling, being alone in a VR. After a while you start to feel a little trapped—even though you have miles and miles of open space, and perfect liberty. I guess it’s just a bit strange to know that however far you go, whatever you see, whatever you discover—really, there’s nothing out there. Nobody except you.

I kept walking.

He probably saw me before I saw him. He was at the top of a cliff overhead, clearly busy at something, but I was too far away to tell what. I waved my arms to get his attention. A few moments later, he had noticed me and started to descend around the side of the cliff, tacking back and forth on the dirt trail. I waited for him.

When he got to the bottom he strode up to me casually. “Haven’t seen you before. What’s your name?”

“Benjamin,” I introduced myself. “But call me Ben. I’m search and rescue. I’ve been sent by your mother to find you. Do you know how long you’ve been in here?”

He gave me a long, piercing look, and I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind. Finally he said, “Yeah.”

“You do?” I said. “It’s been thirty-six hours. What seems to be the matter? Are you having some kind of issue with the neural interface?”

“Nothing’s the matter,” he said. “I could come out any time I want to.”

“Not for long,” I said. “Your body’s getting rapidly dehydrated, and malnourished soon too, at this rate.”

“I feel fine,” Isaac said, and turned around and started walking back toward the mountain.

I was momentarily dumbstruck. How could anybody actually be this stupid? “Isaac!” I shouted. “Listen to me. You’ve got to pause. Take a break. Come out. Take care of yourself.”

“If I go,” he said, starting to climb, “They won’t let me come back. Anyway, why should I listen to you? You’re just an NPC.”

“What?” I followed him up the path. “How could you think that? Why would an NPC say any of the stuff that I’m saying?”

“Because,” said Isaac, “The AI learns from conversations with me. It parrots things back. Words. Phrases. It eventually starts to sound like me.”

“I’m not an NPC!”

“NPCs don’t know they’re NPCs.” He climbed over a rock, and I walked around it. I couldn’t let him get away from me.

“So you’ve had this conversation before? Holy shit, how often do you try to convince the NPC’s they’re not real?”

“Pretty often.”

“Eesh.” I shook my head, slightly weirded out.

By that time, we had gotten to the top of the ridge. I climbed up onto it after Isaac, and for the first time got a good look at what was there.

There was a dog. It was a wolfhound or a mutt of some sort, a grayish color, and it was lying on its side, bleeding. However, it was clearly still alive, and it growled when it saw Isaac. I knew it wasn’t real, but the sight of it still made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Not so for Isaac. He turned around and picked up a rusty longsword he had left lying on the turf. As the dog tried to crawl away, he stabbed it a few more times. It whimpered piteously.

I lurched forward. “What?! St—”

“Why do you care? It’s not real. It’s not like it can feel anything.” Isaac turned on me, holding the longsword.

I backed off a pace. “I know, but… why are you doing that? Is that what you were doing? Killing the dog?”

“Who cares?” said Isaac.

“I… It’s…” it was hard to explain. “What the hell,” is all I said.

“Listen,” said Isaac. “Have you ever been – I don’t know why I’m asking you this – have you ever been on the edge of a tall building? And as you look down, as you look over the edge and feel the wind and the distant rushing of the cars below, you hear, in spite of your reason and your common sense, one voice. And do you know what that voice says?”

I looked back at the wolfhound. It was twitching in a pool of blood.

“Jump. That’s what it says. Not because you want to die, or anything like that. Just to fall into the void, just to know what it feels like to cross the line, to do the one thing that you must not do. And that’s what I do, Ben. Because I can.”

And with no further hesitation, he thrust the longsword through my chest.

***

I woke up sputtering in Isaac’s bedroom. He was still lying next to me on the bed, and his breaths were shallow. His eyelids fluttered.

I looked back to his mother, who had pulled up a chair and taken a seat near the door. “What happened?” she asked.

“I need a break,” I said.

“Did you find him?”

“Yes.” I took off the headset and stood up, stretching my limbs. “Maybe a coffee.” The look I shot at the sleeping Isaac mustn’t have been entirely kosher, because his mother stood up as well. “Is something wrong? Did you speak to him?”

“Yeah.” I pushed past her and out into the kitchen.

She followed me. “What did he say?”

I went back to the front door without answering and slipped my shoes on.

She ran to me. “You can’t just give up! Please, you have to help my son!”

I looked her in the eye. “What your son needs is a therapist.”

She grabbed my arm. “Please, stay. I’ll make you a coffee.”

I sighed and slipped my shoes off. “Okay. I’ll try again. In one hour.”

***

The next time I spawned it was in the same place as before. But when I walked back to the base of the cliff, I couldn’t see him.

I climbed up the top, keeping a lookout for Isaac. I’d have to keep my distance when I found him – I didn’t want to get stabbed again.

The wolfhound was still there at the top, lying still and dead. I headed further up the mountain, continuing to search. Obviously he was still in the same area of the map, or I wouldn’t have spawned here.

Finally I spotted some movement down in the valley. It had to be him. I picked my way down the slope. He headed toward me.

When he was within earshot, he shouted to me. “Ah! I’m glad you’re back.”

I blinked. “Why?” I shouted back.

“You were slightly interesting. I was starting to wish I hadn’t killed you.”

“I had to come back. Your mother made me. It’s time to go.” I tried to look as stern as possible.

He kept coming towards me through the long grass, and I backed away a little.

“I came back,” I said. “That must prove I’m a player.”

“Nah. It just proves you’re important enough to the story that I can’t kill you off for real.”

I glared at him. “Fine. Even if I’m an NPC, you have to realize that what I’m saying is logical. If you don’t go back to the real world, you’ll die. You’re already thirsty and weak.”

“I won’t die.”

“You will!”

“I will not.”

“You must know I’m a person. Why do you bother to argue with me if I’m an NPC?” I tried. “How does that benefit you?”

“Got to keep my mind sharp. If you don’t have your mind, you don’t have anything. That’s how it is when nothing is real.”

I gestured to the sky as if it were the portal to home. “That’s why you’ve got to come back with me,” I said. “Back to the real world. Your family is waiting for you. They’re worried about you. Even if I’m not real, they are.”

“You misunderstand me,” said Isaac, and he swung his sword at the grass, making me flinch. “Nothing is real. Nothing. When you’re in here long enough, you start to understand.”

“What?” I took another step back from his sword.

“This place is just as real as any other. How can you prove that there’s a difference?”

“You’re insane.”

“Maybe.”  Isaac started heading off in the direction of a stream at the base of the mountain. I took care to follow at a distance. “Or maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m the only thing that exists. And if I am, I can’t die. Can I?” He waded across the stream.

“Doesn’t follow.” I crossed after him.

Isaac tossed his longsword on the ground. “I’m tired. Carry it.”

I looked at the sword, surprised. Part of me wanted to refuse to be his pack mule, just to prove I had my own will. But I knew I’d never convince him. If I took it, maybe I could find a way to gain an advantage on him.

There was a cave opening in the mountainside, and Isaac ducked into it, continuing to speak. “If I am the only thing in the universe, then I am uncreated. I am self-existent. If nothing but me is real, that means everything around me is my own creation. Therefore, I can’t die. I’m a god.”

Isaac had found the back of the cave, a skeleton, and a few bags of sand. His back was to me as he picked up a gold coin. This was my chance. I stepped up and pointed the sword at his neck.

“Sorry, bud. Time to quit the game, or I’ll force-quit you the only way I know how.”

Isaac stared at me for a second. Then he laughed.

I swung the sword at him. It bounced off his neck and was thrown from my hands.

“You think you can take me by force?” Isaac laughed. “I’m level thirty-six and I know every cheat code in the book. I can unlock creative at will.” Trees sprouted around us in the darkness of the cave. “I can do anything I want.” A black stallion had appeared in the cave entrance, and he mounted it. “I can…” He raised a hand in my direction.

I started trying to move out of the way, but it was too late. A gigantic boulder had dislodged from the cave ceiling. It could have crushed me, but instead I was thrown back against the cave wall by an invisible force. The boulder rolled forward, pinning me none-too gently against the wall. My feet dangled above the ground. I struggled to breathe, and the longsword fell from my fingers.

“Let me go,” I grunted.

Isaac just looked at me, as if to survey his handiwork. Then he rode away. As he went, an avalanche of dirt fell down over the mouth of the cave, covering it completely. Everything was pitch dark. The boulder continued to press against my chest.

I’ll be crushed, I thought, but soon I realized I wasn’t going to die. Isaac simply meant to trap me here, alive, forever, so that I could neither follow him nor respawn.

Unfortunately for his plans, I wasn’t actually an NPC.

“Computer,” I said. “End game.”

Are you sure you would like to quit your current session? All progress since your last save point will be lost.

“Yes.”

***

I jerked awake in the chair next to Isaac’s bed.

His mother still sat across from me. “Why is he not back yet?” was the first thing out of her mouth.

“Ma’am…” my mouth was dry. I licked my lips. “The only person who can bring your son back to you now is your son.”

“What?” She paled furiously.

“He doesn’t want to come. There’s nothing I can do to make him come. I’m sorry.”

“No! You’re lying!” She stormed across the room and started shaking Isaac by the shoulders. His body jostled limply. “Wake him up! There has to be something else you can do to wake him up!”

I felt bad saying it, but it was true. “I’m sorry. I can’t. The best thing you can do for him right now is take him to a hosp—”

I froze.

Isaac’s mother was holding the power cords to his machine in her right hand.

“No!” I shouted as she pulled.

Isaac gave a spasmodic gasp and jerked. His eyes opened. But they were blank. They stared at the ceiling.

“Isaac!” she shouted. “Isaac, baby, look at me!”

Purest of Pain A painfully long process

Seven years of blood, sweat and tears, but now it’s time: the first full-length album of Purest Of Pain will be released on the first of March. De band of guitarist Merel Bechtold (also known from Delain, MaYaN and The Gentle Storm) completed ‘Solipsis’ partly using a crowdfunding on Indiegogo.

Purest Of Pain was founded in 2008, and it’s only 10 years later that they’re launching their first full length album. But they’ve made a name for themselves with Merel Bechtold as their leader. After winning second place in the local band contest Clash Of The Titans, the band already released the EP ‘Revelations In Obscurity’ (2011) and the single “Momentum” (2013). Purest Of Pain also opened concerts for Unearth, Suicide Silence, and Textures, got nominated for a 3voor12 award in the category of Best Liveact, and even reached the spotlight during Buma Rocks! in 2014. On top of that Merel and her bandmates also represented The Netherlands at Wacken Open Air the same year.

Merel, why did we have to wait so long for ‘Solipsis’? “I’m a perfectionist and a control freak, and actually I was constantly bitching that it wasn’t good enough. Apart from that, everyone was still in school at the beginning of the recordings, and we still don’t have the support of a record label so we have to work with a very limited budget. You have to be very creative with everything in that case. At first we used programmed drums, after drummer Joey de Boer joined the band we definitely wanted to have him on the album. After we played at Buma Rocks!, I was asked to play with The Gentle Storm, and later also joined MaYaN and Delain. That way I could perform again instead of spending 90% of my time answering e-mails and other management business. The Purest Of Pain album was pushed to the background because of this, but it never left my mind. Gathering the band on the other hand, wasn’t easy. I even got a burn-out because of all the chaos and stress. All of that caused the long wait.”

How would you like to describe the album? “It’s a Scandinavian sounding metal album of high quality, mixed by Mantis Audio and mastered by Jens Bogren. The music is in the line as bands like In Flames, The Faceless, and Amorphis. My musical taste has changed a bit in the meantime, but this album contains a very important musical period for me. ‘Solipsis’ is the first real album that has music I wrote myself. Being able to share this now feels amazing. What I’m going to do after this isn’t clear yet, not even for myself, haha!”

Besides Merel Bechtold, Purest Of Pain is: singer Jesper de Kruyff, guitarist Michael van Eck, bass player Frank van Leeuwen and drummer Joey de Boer.

The track “Terra Nil” can be streamed on Spotify, Google Music, Youtube, etc. ‘Solpsis’ will be released on the first of March 2018 on CD, LP and digital download, pre-orders are available on the website of Purest Of Pain.