#solar vent

For the last couple of years I have had a bad relationship with food. It wasn’t necessarily the food that was the problem, rather it was the cost of it. After graduating high school my parents kicked me out over a disagreement. I started living with my best friend at the time, and their parents welcomed me into their home. However my friends parents had no responsibility to take care of me, so I never felt comfortable eating their food or drinking their beverages. I felt like I needed to prove my worth to even stay in their home. I cleaned up after my friend and helped with babysitting their nephew whenever I was asked. Things ended poorly with my friend and I ended up moving in with my older brother. But I kept that same mindset. This is my brother, he has no reason to take care of me, no responsibility for me, but my brother was insistent on eating dinner together so I couldn’t refuse the meal. But I didn’t often snack on their food or eat meals besides the ones we’d eat together. Neither my friends parents or my brother told me to be self sufficient, I’m sure they would have both been alright if I relied on them, but I became so focused on the idea that they had no reason to take care of me, that I shouldn’t become another burden on them. Eventually I left my brother’s and moved back into my parents. A year and a half had passed, and by this point the relationship I developed with food had stuck. My parents let me know that if I needed anything to let them know, and for a few weeks I did, but then a switch flipped in my head and I began buying my own groceries. I had the money to buy food, even if it was just ramen and sandwich stuff. Then I got Covid, and I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating. I felt nauseous thinking about food, and nothing ever sounded appetizing. If I forced myself to eat my stomach would be in pain for a while after until the food settled. I quit my job, due to the stress of the job, school, and the lack of energy I had due to my illness. I’ve survived the last month on the remains of my money, but it’s slowly dwindling out and as a result I’m more finicky when making purchases. I’ve been living off of cup of noddles and peanut butter because my stomach could tolerate those things but now I can’t even stomach the thought of eating them. I realize if I talk to my family about relying on them when it comes to food that they would most likely agree to help me but I also can’t imagine what I’d even ask them for. My parents eat a specific diet, and they’d have to go out of their way to pick up food that isn’t part of their diet. My food would be cheaper than there’s, but I also don’t even know what foods I would eat. Anyways instead of solving this problem I will just continue suffering until I get a new job or die of starvation. /nsrs

Realizing today why I don’t enjoy Christmas anymore. It calls for people to get together more. I enjoy hanging out with friends, but every family get together are awkward, making small talk with people you know and kind of know talking about my two least favorite subjects school and work. I spend more time hidden in a corner wishing it wouldn’t be seen as rude if I spent the remainder of the event on my phone since no one bothered to talk with me past our initial greeting. Every conversation I partake in has to be instigated by me, except for with immediate family. If I wanted to talk with someone my dad’s side of the family offers; men - talking about trucking, hunting, or some kind of project they’re working on, women - usually the women gossip of complain otherwise they talk about child care, of children - besides my baby nephew most of these children are brats. Tonight for our Christmas I got hit in the head several times, had a cousin try and shake up my soda every time I set it down, dealt with a child screaming and throwing a tantrum because on of the younger kids kept knocking over his tower, after the cousin continued to knock over everyone else’s towers. But the kids are the easiest to get along with so I usually play with them. On my mothers side we’ve got Great Grandma and her five daughters - too intimidating to talk to, they will judge me on my career choices of my education choices and tell me what I should be doing, the tweens - one of my cousins kids and their friends(?) I genuinely don’t recognize some of these kids, they’re all bratty so I never really interact with them, the misfits 1.0 - my grandmother’s family. I fall into this group and am comfortable chatting with most people in it except for one of my uncles, the misfits 2.0 - consisting of my methhead uncle and the two angry siblings who blame their mother for all their problems when she is the sweetest woman alive, I try and avoid talking to most of this group.

So to recap I’m forced into a social situation where I’m left uncomfortable no matter what I decide. But I have to go otherwise family will start messaging or calling me about my absence. I’d rather be doing my own thing but I have to participate in this social hell. Then to make things worse we add in gifts.

I’m expected to spend my money buying nice thoughtful gifts for family I barely talk to, and if I don’t I feel like an asshole because I’m no longer a child I’m an adult and I should be giving back. So I spend time picking out gifts and I spend money paying for them, I’m happy with myself because I got things I genuinely think the recipient will enjoy.

And I get my own gifts. For many years I wouldn’t make a Christmas list because there wasn’t anything I necessarily wanted. So if I wasn’t happy with my gifts, then it was my fault for not telling people what I wanted. But for once I put in effort and I made a list for those asking what I wanted. I gave suggestions of things I liked of clothing I was wearing. I got one thing that I asked for. Between my mom’s families Christmas, my dad’s family Christmas, my friend’s Secret Santa Party, and gifts from my parents, I got one thing that I asked for. And I don’t want to complain because I am thankful that I was even given something, but I put effort into making shopping for me easy. I had a relative ask me what I wanted and I told them a flannel. They asked if I wanted a flannel shirt or jacket and I told them I wanted a shirt. Well after answering some more questions the relative decided to talk with my stepmom about the flannel and my stepmom decided I needed a jacket. Jackets make me uncomfortable, they feel bulky against my arms and back and I don’t like them. My parents used to fight me to wear a coat until I stole one of my dad’s old jackets and I use that to this day. My point being I didn’t want a jacket and my stepmom thought I did because I always use my dad’s old jacket. And my relative listened to her on what I wanted over me. Why ask me if you’re just going to ignore my answers? Why should I put in effort to make a Christmas list and pick out perfect presents for others when my effort is ignored? And then to top everything off it started snowing today and I ran into something on the drive home and broke my side mirror.