Jan 28, 2020
So sick of it
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So sick of it
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September - October
Got my tonsils out. Fucking terrible, but I haven't been sick in over a month and that's a new record. Got over Mono. Got talked into joining the Air Force. Had to put my doggie down. Lost my instructor. My friend. My Mentor. My second Dad. I'm not okay. I will be okay. I've drank a lot more than usual this month. That's not usually a monthly occurrence. I don't know if I'm depressed or numb or relieved that's it's over. There's not a day that goes by I don't remember those I love, loved one's I've lost, loved one's I haven't met yet. I hope I will make him proud. All I want to do is scream and cry. Can I please win the lottery so I can go drink pina coladas on a Caribbean Island? Still really good friends with that guy I love. Wishing he'd love me back just the same. Not going to happen. Would fucking love to be a mom. Going to get two new tattoos next month? Yes at the same time. Trying to learn how to run....don't ask. Need to for basic training. Not going well.. Been a shit summer. Things need to be better and keep getting better for the next 10 years okay?
July into August 2015
So.... I haven't blogged in about a month. Damn a lot can happen in a month. So I'm going to make this as short and sweet and simple as I can. That guy that made me feel so loved? ya... he did a 180 on me. Stopped texting me as much, or at all for that matter. Apparently things I said to him were "manipulative". When I asked him what things his reply was, " several things". He makes no time or effort for me anymore. Claims he's too busy. I'm sorry, I worked 3 jobs and an internship, went to Boston, and STILL had time for him, all during July. I know what busy is, and believe me, he had time. I have Mono now, and what does he do when all I want is to be with him? Leave. Avoid me like the plague. I'm not even contagious unless he shares a drink with me or I kiss him. If I was going to give it to him it would've been weeks before I knew I was sick. His excuse for not texting or calling? He was "limiting communication" because he wanted me to " rest and heal and not worry about him". BULL SHIT. We're having a nice little talk on Saturday. Boy is he going to hear about it. Yes, I realize that he has a history of depression, but guess what?! He's not the only one. I've been depressed too. I know what that's like. I'm depressed now for fuck's sake. So, NO, I'm not going to hold much back. I shouldn't have to after he strung me along and lead me on since March, and now it's almost September and all I can feel is sad, because when I asked him , " If at the end of my waiting for you to be ready, are you still going to want me?" and his answer is, " I don't know", .... ya I don't like that answer.
I also have been dealing with my grandfather's cancer. He survived thank God. And then found out that my Instructor has pancreatic cancer. I found out two weeks before I left for Boston International tournament. Pancreatic cancer is nasty. Possibly the nastiest. It's already in his liver. I know that means it's not stage one. It's probably stage 3 maybe 4. I'm trying to be hopeful, but I'm not expecting him to survive. He taught me everything I know. I've known him more than half my life. Saw him and learned and laughed and loved him every week. And I don't know how much time I've got left with him.
I went to Boston. Competed. Took Silver in sparring and patterns. Was medic for the entire tournament. That's another mess, another story, for another time.
Now I have Mono. I've been to the ER once for it already. I had to quit my jobs. I'll get two of them back when I'm better. And I'm having my tonsils out in a week. I'm terrified.
So to sum things up : I want a guy that actually wants me. I want my Master to not have cancer. I don't want Mono. And I'm thinking about running away to join the Navy to become a Medic. But right now time with my Master is more important.
Oh, and I moved out of my house and in with my cousins. Again, another rant another night.
Just went through my laptop found all my old pictures of you when you loved me.
Tough love is never enough and I try to cover it up
And Ive tried everything under the sun
I dont know if youre happy burning up your wrists with cigarettes
House of lies and Im livin it. And Im gonna level it
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Smoking and popping pills is way better than having to deal with this depression
Lonely and sad and angry and suicidal and anxious all the same fucking time I don't know what to do.
If I looked like her I am guessing you would have stayed...boys always fall for the pretty before the intelligent.
I am angry that the only time I have cried about this was when I was drunk at a club in the bathroom. God I am such a cliche...