#soft malcolm

“I think she’s coming ‘round. Ensign?” The second voice was even more familiar...and very British. As I forced my eyes open and winced against the light, a blurry shape at my side began to come into focus. Malcolm. He was holding one of my hands in his and looking at me with concern. “There you are. You’re in sickbay.”

“What? Why?” My voice came out rougher than I’d anticipated, and I couldn’t help but cringe at the sound of it.

“It seems you didn’t eat anything all day prior to your hand-to-hand combat training with Lieutenant Reed,” Doctor Phlox called as he moved to the side of my bed to take some readings from the monitor. Ah, he must’ve been the other person talking when I was waking up.

“In other words, you fainted…straight into my arms,” Malcolm stated as he picked up a glass of water from a tray beside him. Helping me into a more upright position, he passed me the glass once he was sure my grip was solid enough. “You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

Glancing nervously at Phlox and back at Malcolm, I raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t worry. The Doctor caught on as soon as I carried you in here. He knows,” Malcolm said with a sheepish smile. Malcolm and I had been together for a few weeks, but we were keeping it quiet until we figured out where things were headed.

“And your secret is safe with me, Ensign. Doctor-patient confidentiality,” Phlox said with a grin before walking over to another station.

“You really did give me a fright, darling,” the armory officer murmured bringing my hand to his lips. “I’ve asked Phlox to put you on medical leave for the next couple of days. You’ve been pulling double shifts all week.”

“But I have so much wor–”

“No buts, Ensign,” Malcolm said in his best authoritative tone. “I still outrank you, you know. Whether you like it or not, you need a rest. It’s already been cleared with the Captain. I’ve taken some of my own leave time as well. You’re going to be well and truly pampered if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Ensign?” A quiet call came from the person I’d bumped into, and when I turned reflexively toward them, I saw a concerned expression on Lieutenant Reed’s face. Shit. There was no hiding the tears that were in my eyes when he was standing this close. One of his hands came up and just barely touched my arm where he’d brushed up against me. “I’m so sorry, are you alright? If I hurt you-”

“N-No, no. You didn’t. I’m...It’s nothing. I...Excuse me,” I stammered, forcing a smile as I hurried in the direction I’d been going originally. Malcolm called my name perplexedly, but I just sped up. He couldn’t see me...not like this. I didn’t slow down until I was safely behind the door to my quarters. With a quiet sob, I leaned against the wall and slid down into a sitting position.

It had all happened so slowly, and yet the realization had come too late in the process. Over the year that we’d been on Enterprise, I’d made friends, sure, but we all had to remain at a professional distance. When we’d gone back to Earth to deal with the aftermath of the Xindi attack, others had their families. Others had their friends. I had remained near the base where Enterprise was docked. When we were about to re-board the ship and I saw people bidding their loved ones farewell, it struck me like a freight train: I hadn’t had close physical contact with anyone - outside of hand-to-hand combat training - in over a year. When was the last time anyone had hugged me? Or even placed their hand on my arm?

No. No, I hadn’t allowed myself to think of that for the first few months of our journey to find the Xindi weapon. This feeling was so ridiculous compared to the enormity of the task and dangers facing us. Earth was in danger and a single Ensign was sad because she wanted a hug?

Ha. Major Hayes and pretty much anyone else on the ship would have surely scoffed and told me to grow up. So I stayed silent. It was a tense sort of feeling, as if any touch not meant to maim or injure would make me break down.

And here I was: breaking down in my quarters after a single, solitary brush on the shoulder - by our Chief of Security, of all people. Our very attractive Chief of Security who I had very unprofessional feelings about and who would doubtlessly think me weak if he saw me like this. He had almost done exactly that just now in the corridor. That sobering thought sent a shiver of fear through me. I didn’t want anyone else to see me like this, much less Malcolm.

And yet...if there was one person on this ship I felt safe telling almost anything to, it was him. Often when I envisioned somebody hugging me, my mind’s eye conjured Malcolm taking me into his arms. Without so much as a second thought, I changed out of my uniform into some sleep clothes and curled up in bed.

--

The next day was progressing normally right up until I sat down for lunch in the mess hall. I’d chosen a quiet little table in a corner out of everyone else’s way. I settled in and tried to focus on the words of the report I was meant to be skimming when somebody cleared their throat, making me look up. I swallowed nervously as I met Lieutenant Reed’s eyes. He was holding his tray of food and giving me a gentle smile.

“May I join you, Ensign?” He asked quietly, and since I didn’t trust my voice to come out in a steady manner, I just nodded my head in agreement. Now I definitely couldn’t focus on the report in my hand. Malcolm took a slow sip of his coffee and fixed me with a look I couldn’t quite read. “How’s your arm?”

“My arm, sir?” I couldn’t make myself understand what he meant.

“Where I bumped you yesterday,” he clarified and oh. Oh, he really did think he hurt me.

“Oh! My arm is fine. Like I said yesterday, you didn’t hurt me. I was...just startled. Lost in thought, that’s all.” The last part was a lie, plain and simple. After all, I couldn’t tell him what I was really feeling. I wasn’t that great at hand-to-hand combat anyway. I couldn’t give him another reason to think I was too weak to be on this mission. Malcolm’s brow furrowed, and he set his mug down.

“You’ve never lied to me before. Why now?” He asked leaning a little closer so our conversation stayed private.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine, Mal,” I said trying to sound upbeat and normal. “Really.”

He looked like he was about to protest further when an announcement rang out over the comm system.

“Senior officers to my ready room,” Captain Archer ordered, and Malcolm spared a glance at the speaker as he stood. Turning back to me, he leaned in and placed his hand gently - so fucking carefully - on my shoulder.

“This isn’t over. We’ll talk later,” he said before turning and walking out of the mess hall. Every single fiber of my being felt like I’d been shocked with an electrical wire, concentrated mostly at my shoulder where his hand had been. I placed my own hand over the spot as lightly as I could, and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Blinking back tears, I tried to shove that damned feeling back down again. There were more important issues. Like the Xindi. Or the anomalies we’d been running into in this part of space. Anything to get my attention off of how fucking amazing it felt to have somebody’s hand on my shoulder...and how much I already missed it more than I’d expected I would.

--

That night when I was finished with my shift, I put on a comfy, oversized shirt and a pair of sleeping shorts and curled up on the bed in my quarters with a book I’d brought from home. Taking a deep breath, I tried to lose myself in the words on the page and let the stress of the mission and the day melt away.

It wasn’t to be. A few pages in, my door chime sounded, and I let out a quiet sigh before calling for whoever it was to come in. The door hissed open to reveal Lieutenant Reed wearing a concerned expression. Closing my book with a quiet rustling of pages, I sat up a little straighter.

“Lieutenant. What can I do for you?” I asked quietly, and he walked slowly over to the side of the bed.

“I think we need to talk,” he said, and any chance of him having forgotten our previous conversation went out the airlock. “Something is very wrong - even Trip has noticed you’ve not been yourself since we left Earth this time round. He thought it was just the attack, but...somehow I don’t think that’s what’s wrong.”

When I remained silent for a few moments, Malcolm sat on the bed near my waist and bent his neck until his eyes met mine.

“We’re friends, aren’t we?” He asked, and I nodded my head slowly. “Then talk to me. Please. I want to help, but I don’t know how unless you tell me what’s wrong. You’ve been withdrawn...distant. You haven’t been to a movie night in over a month...I’m worried about you.”

The last sentence was almost a whisper when it came from his lips, and the shock of hearing him sound so uncertain made me feel guilty. I hadn’t meant to make him worry.

“It’s silly,” I started, but Malcolm shook his head emphatically.

“I saw your eyes last night. If it was silly, it wouldn’t have brought you to tears. If somebody hurt you, I will personally give them hell. Please, tell me what’s going on. I’m all ears,” he said encouragingly, and I bit the bullet. With a stammer in my voice I told him everything, and not once did he look at me like I was an oddity or like I really was being silly. I left out my feelings for him, of course, but I did end up explaining why I’d reacted the way I did in the corridor the night before. When I’d eventually finished, Malcolm lifted his hand and moved it slowly toward me, pausing a few inches away from my face. “May I?”

I couldn’t seem to make my voice work, so I nodded my head silently in response. A small smile played across his lips, and his fingertips brushed lightly over my cheek as they moved to tuck a few strands of hair behind my ear. With a whisper of my name, Malcolm cupped my cheek sending a shock of warmth through me.

“Why didn’t you just tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t want to help?” He asked quietly, and when I couldn’t come up with an answer, he moved closer and drew me into the warmest hug I’d experienced since I was little. I wrapped my arms around his middle and buried my face in his shoulder. The scent of his aftershave and something uniquely him calmed me and made me feel safe.

“I didn’t want you to think I was weak,” I muttered before I could stop myself, and Malcolm leaned back just far enough to look at me with a curious expression. “With everything happening...with the Xindi and the Expanse...my problem seemed so...insignificant.”

“Oh, darling, I could never think of you as weak,” he said emphatically before his lips pressed gently against my forehead. Those words and that small action broke me. I shattered into a million pieces. Tears welled up in my eyes, spilling over onto my cheeks, and I hid my face in his shoulder so he wouldn’t see. One of Malcolm’s hands slid up and his fingers ran through my hair, making me melt into him. His strong arms held me securely, and when my emotions calmed enough for me to finally look up at him, I found his gaze already on me. He smiled softly and he leaned in just a little closer as he carefully wiped my tears away. “I would do anything to help you - anything you could ever ask of me. This...being close...This isn’t silly or an inconvenience; it’s a pleasure.”

How odd. Perhaps he should see Doctor Phlox after his shift...No. No, every bit of him rebelled at the thought of someone as professional as Phlox learning of his...weakness. That’s all this was, a momentary weakness.

“Everything okay, Mal?” A quiet voice asked at his side. Only two people called him that, and since Commander Tucker wasn’t feminine like the voice he’d just heard, that left you, Ensign (y/l/n). His heart gave a rather alarming skip when he realized that you were the one to check on him. “...Mal?”

Oh, right. You needed an answer.

“Er, yes. Yes, everything is perfectly fine, Ensign,” he replied as he felt his cheeks heat up at how unsteady his voice sounded.

“You sure? You looked like you were a million light-years away...”

“I’m fine, Ensign. Thank you,” reiterated, and when he saw that you were about to say something else, he couldn’t risk you of all people seeing that he was compromised. He cut you off hurriedly. “If that’s all, return to your duty station on the double.”

Malcolm saw your smile fall, and he instantly regretted his cool, much-too-harsh tone. You hadn’t deserved him being so rude.

“Yes, sir,” you acknowledged quietly before hurrying away. Malcolm felt like a heel.

--

The rest of his shift was tedious and much too slow for his taste. As soon as it was over, he clocked out and went to the lift. Before he realized it, he was outside your quarters wondering if he should bother you or not.

“Lieutenant Reed?” He turned toward the voice and saw you looking at him inquisitively. Malcolm must have left the armory just before you did. “Is there anything I can do for you, sir?”

“I...As a matter of fact, there is,” he said straightening his posture. “Could I have a word with you in private?”

“Of course,” you said as you opened the door to your quarters and ushered him inside. After a moment’s silence, you cleared your throat and spoke. “I’m sorry about what happened earlier in the armory. I-I didn’t mean to pry, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I never meant to make you uncomfortable.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Ensign. In fact, that’s why I came here. I was unconscionably rude to you when you were only checking on my welfare,” Malcolm said feeling a little sheepish. “I suppose I...Well, I’ve been feeling a bit off today.”

A look of concern passed over your face.

“Is there anything I can do to help? You know I’m always here if you need to vent or just talk. I-I mean, I know you’re my superior officer, but I do still consider you a friend,” you clarified as you offered Malcolm a seat, which he gratefully accepted.

“Thank you, Ensign. I’m afraid I hardly deserve your kindness, though,” he admitted, unable to meet your eyes.

“Of course you do. You’ve always been kind to me. One rough day isn’t about to change that. Oh, and please...call me (y/f/n). We’ve been serving together for over a year now. I think a first-name basis is appropriate at this point, don’t you?” The way you asked him was so nonchalant. Socializing obviously came at least a little easier to you than it did to Malcolm - a fact he was infinitely aware of and grateful for. Otherwise, he might never have plucked up the courage to speak to you off-duty. Oh yes, it was you that started that first conversation in the mess hall when the two of you were coming off your shifts. Trip had made some transparent remark about fraternizing and then slinked back to engineering, leaving Malcolm alone with you. Of course, you’d been warm and had laughed at his sorry attempts at jokes. If there was anyone on Enterprise that Malcolm felt almost comfortable with, it was you. At the same time, however, you made him ridiculously nervous, because you were quite possibly the most beautiful woman Malcolm had ever been befriended by.

Alright, so Trip hadn’t been entirely wrong when he made that remark about fraternizing, but surely he could be forgiven for that? After all, you had the voice of an angel and eyes that could melt even a klingon’s heart.

“Ensign...” He paused before murmuring your name. Should he admit what he’d been feeling earlier? “I...The thing is... er, I...”

He trailed off and his cheeks heated up. Why couldn’t he speak? Your hand came up and cupped his cheek softly, sending his heart skittering in his chest.

“You have no need to be nervous, Mal. You can always tell me anything. I’ll never judge you.”

“How are you the way that you are?” The words had escaped his lips before he could think better of them, but instead of being horrified like he expected you’d be, you just smiled shyly and let out a breathy laugh. The urge was back stronger than ever, now, and before he could stop himself, he wrapped his arms around you like he’d always wanted. You were every bit as soft and warm as he’d imagined. He very nearly shed a tear when your arms went around him instead of pushing him away like you should be doing.

Because he was your superior officer. He was your superior officer, and he was hugging you.

The gravity of the situation hit him like a ton of bricks, and he pulled away rather abruptly, standing up to give you space.

“I-I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to behave in such a familiar manner. If you wish to report me to the Captain, I will, of course, submit myself for a formal reprimand-” He was cut off by your arms wrapping around him a bit more firmly this time around. Stunned, he could do little else but hug you gently and try to imagine why you hadn’t thrown him out of your quarters yet.